# Chapter 18
“So, are you not coming back to Paris?”
I asked Bel.
“I might come back someday. I don’t know the exact date, but… this is how we live. Not just dancers but people in the arts always live without a fixed place, so you have to get used to it. It’s not easy to find places that will accept us.”
“……”
“Still, since I’m from France, I’ve been able to stay in France for relatively longer periods, but Woosang moves to a different country every few years. I’m already tired of it, so how must he feel?”
“I don’t mind it.”
“Right. You’re always like that.”
She seemed somewhat angry. I felt like everyone sitting here was a foreigner in some way.
People drifting without a fixed place. The only difference between me and them was whether one could express that yearning or not.
“But now that Teo is here, I want to try settling in one place.”
“…I see. If that’s what you want, then I guess that’s what will happen.”
“Teo, you’ll stay with me, right?”
“Yes. Of course.”
“Ha, this is the first time I’ve seen him talk like this. When I said I was leaving, he didn’t even blink, but look at him asking Teo to stay. What a jerk.”
Bel made no effort to hide her disappointment.
Woosang looked at Bel as if he felt somewhat sorry for her attitude.
“You know you’re important to me, Bel. It’s just that the feelings are different, but I still care about you a lot.”
“…I know.”
The two fell silent for a moment.
They both seemed somewhat hurt. Perhaps they had been together for a long time, and yet they couldn’t accept that their feelings for each other were different.
In between them, I felt an inexplicable anxiety.
‘What if I get abandoned someday too?’
I felt like I needed to think about how I should act if a situation came where I was suddenly abandoned by him.
At first, I had wanted to separate from him myself, and I had planned to part from him forever. Nevertheless, I couldn’t disappear from his side, and I begged for him to accept me.
‘If Woosang gets tired of me and leaves without a care, how should I live?’
The suffocating thought tormented me.
Woosang had always been a foreigner, someone who could leave at any time. But now he said he was staying in this city because of me.
He had shown no reaction to Bel’s farewell, and it seemed like a preview of my own ending.
The image of Woosang bidding me a warm goodbye flickered before my eyes.
‘Would Woosang not care if I left?’
The one left behind would wish to disappear.
Fortunately, as I was sinking into anxious thoughts, the waiter brought our food.
When the food arrived, they both lightened the mood and enjoyed the meal happily.
Woosang cut some untouched meat and passed it to me, saying it was delicious and that I should try it. The meat he gave me was truly delicious, but somehow it felt a bit fishy.
Bel watched us as if nothing was wrong. I hoped her situation wouldn’t become my future.
I wanted to be loved by Woosang. I felt like I couldn’t live without being loved.
I couldn’t remember how I ate the food at all. After such a dizzying meal and having coffee afterward, we parted ways with her.
Bel hugged me tightly and whispered:
“Please take care of Woosang.”
“…Yes.”
Her words were filled with sincerity. There was no way I could leave him, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell her that.
Woosang watched us both with a lonely expression, and then suddenly grasped my hand tightly with his expressionless face again.
Feeling his warmth, I smiled slightly.
“Teo.”
“Yes.”
“…Did you hear what I was talking about with Bel earlier? I’ve always been unable to settle in one place, moving from place to place.”
“…Yes.”
“I didn’t think it was bad, but now I think settling down might be good too.”
“Is that so? It must be hard living without a fixed place.”
Woosang looked at me with a slight smile. I met his gaze, puzzled.
“I’m saying I want to settle down and live with Teo.”
“Ah.”
I tried to think of a good response, but nothing came to mind.
“You’ll stay here, right?”
“Yes, of course.”
“Good. That’s all I need. Don’t leave and stay with me.”
“…Yes, I won’t leave.”
I smiled, glanced around lightly to confirm no one was there, and then gently kissed his lips.
Woosang seemed slightly surprised, but then smiled and leaned on my shoulder.
With that small gesture, I felt happiness welling up, making me forget when I had been trembling with anxiety.
‘Can I be happy in the future too?’
How exactly should I create happiness?
I couldn’t be certain when we had become such blind devotees to each other, but I wanted to be honest with this feeling.
“Will you stay at my place tonight?”
Woosang asked, looking at me.
“Is that okay?”
“Yes, of course.”
Come to think of it, although Woosang had come to my place before, I had never been to his home. Especially after learning that I was unfamiliar with the geography, Woosang deliberately came to where I was.
Sometimes it was embarrassing, but I didn’t dislike it. So I looked up at the sky meaninglessly, building anticipation.
After walking and chattering for a while, we entered an alleyway between buildings where people didn’t pass by, partly to escape the sun.
“Shall we rest for a moment?”
“Yes.”
Woosang, feeling hot, roughly wiped away the sweat dripping down his forehead. Although I tended to be sensitive to heat, it seemed Woosang was equally affected by it.
I looked around to see if there was somewhere we could buy water. But then Woosang grabbed my arm and stopped me from leaving.
“Why, why?”
“Just stay. We can drink water when we get home.”
I nodded.
Standing in a gap between the bustling streets and watching people pass by somehow made my mind calm.
Woosang, perhaps feeling the same way, just watched the passersby.
Before I knew it, Woosang brought his hand to the tips of my fingers and gave me a look. Feeling that intense gaze, I debated whether I should turn to look at him or not.
But just then, someone was entering this narrow alley. Startled, I pushed away Woosang’s hand and looked at the person coming in.
It seemed like someone trying to pass through the alley. We twisted our bodies slightly to let the person pass.
But instead of passing by behind us, that person just lingered in front.
I tried to peer at the face of the man wearing a hat, curious. He was slightly bulkier than me, with a lower eye level.
Somehow, the shadow of this unfamiliar person felt familiar to me.
‘There’s no way I’d know someone familiar in this city, strange.’
Suddenly, anxiety welled up.
I pushed Woosang behind me and took a proper look at the person standing in front. As I lowered my gaze to look at his hands, indeed, the man was missing his index and ring fingers on one hand. The unfamiliar man raised his head and met my eyes.
“……!”
He was a colleague who used to work with me.
I held my breath and maintained eye contact. At that moment, the man was taking out a small knife from his pocket.
It was a familiar sight.
That knife, frequently used by my colleague, was a favorite tool that he had been sharpening and using for years, claiming it fit well in his hand. It was something I had held once before, so I could remember it. But seeing that object in this situation, it felt like my head was being filled with something.
Its incongruous appearance paralyzed me. Tension filled my body completely.
Familiar, yet equally unsettling—I took a deep breath at the sight of that object. Why he had come here, how he had found me, none of that mattered.
Because right now, I could instinctively feel that this man was going to threaten me.
Thump. Thump.
The man, holding the knife, approached me as if nothing was wrong. Unfortunately, the alley wasn’t wide enough to move comfortably. He seemed to have been counting on this.
‘I mustn’t panic.’
I can’t do that right now. I instantly relaxed my body and thought about what I should do.
Just then, Woosang pushed me and stepped in front of me.
“Ah, no, get out of the way!”
At the sight of his back, it felt like all the blood in my body was draining. My fingertips and feet grew cold enough to ache. My body, which had never tensed up before, seemed to be rapidly shrinking.
The man lunged at Woosang who was standing in front. I needed to move. Of all times, my body wouldn’t listen now.
It felt like I was falling somewhere.
The man’s body trembled violently as if stabbing Woosang. Woosang was also trembling like the man. Ragged breaths filled the alley.
“……!”
Woosang looked pained.
I couldn’t do anything. My mind was turning completely white.
Just moments ago, we had been happily walking down the street, but that happiness had crumbled to the ground and was turning black.
“……ugh.”
A groan escaped from Woosang’s mouth. Though I couldn’t understand what was happening, I moved my body and struck the colleague’s face hard as he stood in front of Woosang.
Whack!
My heart was beating as if it would burst. Despite knowing I shouldn’t get so excited, I couldn’t calm my excitement. I hurriedly turned Woosang around to face me.
Woosang was holding the knife in his hand.
One of his hands was covered in blood, as if he had grabbed the blade. Fortunately, it didn’t seem to have pierced his abdomen.
Though my colleague was somewhat older, he wasn’t someone who would lose in terms of strength. It was surprising that Woosang had managed to take the knife from him, but come to think of it, Woosang would often support his entire body with just one arm when dancing and move as if it were nothing.
Relief and anxiety filled my throat. I wanted to take him to the hospital right away, but remembering that my colleague was right behind us, I positioned Woosang behind me and looked at my colleague.
“…Why did you come all the way here? We finished the last job without any issues.”
“For someone who hasn’t answered a call for a while, you sure talk well.”
Contact. Come to think of it, my head had been so full of Woosang’s situation that I had been ignoring all my colleague’s calls. But even so, him coming to find me was an incomprehensible situation.
We weren’t affiliated with any organization, and after Hund died, we hadn’t been receiving many requests.
Both my colleague and I had been gradually withdrawing from this line of work. So I couldn’t understand why he was attacking me now.
“That doesn’t explain this situation, tell me. I’ll listen.”
I approached and stomped hard on his hand.
Crunch.
He didn’t scream, just listened to the sound of his bones breaking. I paid no attention to that and crushed his hand even harder.
“…Cutting off contact as you please, did you think you could find your happiness?”
“Happiness? What nonsense are you talking about?”
“When you ignored my calls, I thought I should also quit this job, ugh… if you had continued living like a half-cripple as before. But, bringing some homo bastard around, trying to be happy, it’s unforgivable.”
“…I don’t recall touching your family.”
An unbearable anger rose from the pit of my stomach. I had lived my entire life working like a dog, living on my knees.
Just as I was beginning to understand what the world was, someone appeared who wanted to trample on my happiness. Someone who was striving to take away my happiness had sprung up.
‘My happiness, which is still uncertain.’
My mind seemed to be turning pitch black.
