# Chapter 12
Time passed quickly.
After parting with Woosang, I consciously pushed thoughts of him to a corner of my mind.
Since killing emotions had always been my specialty, I could avoid thinking about Woosang more than expected. But whenever I ate at home or occasionally went for a walk, I inevitably thought of him.
The delicious ham Woosang had introduced me to became my favorite ingredient, and the decent bakery he had shown me became my regular store.
Looking around while walking down streets where sunlight poured down dazzlingly, people were all walking with smiles, excited about something.
It was also Woosang who taught me that people live more happily than one might think. Recalling all he had shown me, the feelings I had that I really liked him seemed like they had been false.
‘Perhaps I was blindly worshipping the first person who spoke warmly to me when I first encountered the world.’
I snickered.
Spending time like this, I didn’t want to go back to Woosang anymore.
Someday, if there came a time when I recalled Woosang again, I wanted to meet him not before my eyes, but in some corner of a newspaper.
Thinking about it, I was captivated by his dance and that’s why I spoke to him.
So now I just wanted to love the first image of him that I had liked.
I would correct what was wrong.
I had to.
“…”
A scream rose from inside my throat, but I deliberately ignored it and strangled myself.
Pain was the only way to escape from the current agony.
***
One day, as I was spending my days monotonously, I suddenly craved the delicious pasta I had eaten before.
The pasta sold at the restaurant in the Marais district, which Woosang and I frequently visited, was our favorite food.
The only noodle dish I had normally eaten was the 5-euro packaged fried noodles from the Chinese restaurant in front of my house, so the pasta I first ate at that restaurant felt special.
I was worried about possibly running into Woosang there, but if I went at opening time, I probably wouldn’t encounter him.
Thinking about him made my chest so tight it was painful to breathe.
I wondered if working would help, but if I made a mistake while working in this state, it would be harder to fix.
I sent an email to my business partners telling them not to contact me for a while and hadn’t opened my mailbox since then. I had turned off my phone long ago, so I could live completely cut off from the world inside my house.
I read the books I had postponed while meeting Woosang one by one and occasionally looked at the scenery outside the window.
My appetite disappeared, and I wasn’t even hungry unless I thought I should eat.
Yet, even at times like this, I kept thinking about the pasta I ate with Woosang, so I thought I might be able to eat that.
October was ending, but the sun still didn’t set until around 9 PM.
I desperately wanted to fall asleep, but even the sunlight didn’t help me.
I put down the book I was reading, put on a T-shirt from the wardrobe, and lightly touched my hair. Then, looking at the mirror, I suddenly remembered him telling me that glasses suited me well.
I occasionally wore them for disguise, but my eyesight was originally good, so it was difficult to understand when he said glasses suited me.
‘I thought only people with poor eyesight wore glasses.’
Then, passing by an optical shop recently, I saw the word ‘fashion glasses’ and wondered if glasses could be a fashion item.
Without thinking, I took out the glasses that I had put away in a drawer and tried them on.
“It’s strange.”
In the mirror stood an unfamiliar man I had never seen before. With glasses on, I looked like an ordinary student from some university.
I was about to take them off because of my awkward appearance, but since this look made me feel like an ordinary person who could be anywhere, I thought it would be okay to wear them.
Just carrying my wallet, I went outside, and the sunlight painfully poured down on my head.
Riding the tram, I absent-mindedly looked outside and around me, but people were all burying their heads in their phones, not even glancing at the scenery outside.
Only I was looking straight ahead at the outside scenery.
Only I, only I was once again a person detached from this place.
After getting off the tram, I wandered the streets and vacantly scanned the stores. There used to be quite a few interesting stores, but now I felt no particular excitement for them.
People who were looking at a store selling flashy accessories in front of me gasped at the prices and turned back, so I approached to check the prices. But I couldn’t particularly distinguish whether these prices were expensive or reasonable.
Compared to bread or fruit, they were certainly outrageous prices.
After lingering for a while, I arrived at the restaurant. When I entered, there were quite a few people, probably because it was lunchtime. Fortunately, Woosang wasn’t inside.
I let out a small sigh and sat down following the employee’s guidance, then looked at the menu.
But thinking about it, Woosang always recommended the menu to me, and I answered that I would have what he suggested, so I couldn’t tell which menu item was the one I had eaten then.
Not knowing what to order, I stared at the menu intensely, and an employee stood in front of me, silently looking down at me.
“Um, excuse me… What’s the most popular menu item?”
“Most sell well.”
“Ah, I, I see… Then… Among the pastas without cream, what’s the most popular…?”
“I’ll do that for you. What about drinks?”
“Uh, um… Water please.”
“Carbonated or not?”
“Uh, um…”
“…Do you speak English?”
“Oh, no. I’m French. Then please give me carbonated water.”
The employee sighed and said okay, then quickly turned away. Never having been to a restaurant alone, I awkwardly looked around in the uncomfortable atmosphere.
I couldn’t raise my head in embarrassment that I, a native French speaker, was acting more clumsily than Woosang, a foreigner.
Not long after, the employee who took my order put down a bottle of carbonated water and a cup, casually filled the cup halfway, and then returned.
I said thank you softly, but I couldn’t tell whether the employee heard it or not.
Somehow, I felt suffocated.
After taking a few sips of water and waiting for the food, shortly after, another employee put down my food and turned away without a word.
I said thank you again and looked at the food.
The pasta was a tomato spaghetti with seafood.
The last time I ate with Woosang, it was oil pasta, and the noodles were not long but wide and flat.
I was flustered because the menu that came out was so different from what I was thinking, but since it wasn’t something I couldn’t eat, I slowly tasted the pasta.
“…”
Somehow, it tasted much worse than what I had eaten then. It wasn’t that it didn’t taste good, but it wasn’t noticeably delicious either.
Eating the food, I couldn’t distinguish whether it was going into my nose or my mouth. I forcefully drank water to swallow the noodles, but the noodles felt like they were swelling in my stomach. I felt like I would throw up everything I ate once I got home due to indigestion.
Still, since leaving food is impolite, I forcefully stuffed noodles down my throat.
Making a sad face and forcing myself to eat, I finally left some food because I felt like I really couldn’t eat anymore.
At that moment, an employee approached me and asked if I had finished, and as soon as I said I had, they cleared the plate and sighed again.
I paid the bill, adding extra tip, and came out to the street with a bloated stomach.
I thought that even if I separated from Woosang and lived alone, I would continue a better life than before, or return to how I was before.
But life without him was becoming ridiculously messy.
If I had never known from the beginning, it would be different, but having been abandoned at the point where I was gradually learning the things he taught me, I had no idea what to do.
Thinking I should help with digestion, I was walking in a nearby park when someone stopped me.
“Excuse me…”
“Yes?”
Turning towards the voice, two women were looking up at me.
“What is it?”
“Are you alone today?”
“Ah, yes. Just, taking a walk…”
As I trailed off with a slight smile at the corner of my mouth, the women giggled as if something excited them and handed me a phone. Not understanding their intention, I stared blankly at it, and the woman waved the phone.
“If you don’t mind, would you give me your number? It would be even better if you’d have a glass of wine with me today.”
“Ah, th-that…”
“Do you have someone you’re seeing? If so, we can just be friends.”
“…I’m sorry. You’ll be bored if you’re with me.”
Having nothing more to say, I hurriedly fled from that place.
After running for a while, I reached the tram, but if I got on the tram, I felt like I would vomit everything I had eaten.
Coming out into the world was indeed not a good idea.
The world was too chaotic and full of difficulties for me. Feeling stuffy, I hit my chest a few times, and while rubbing my face, I felt my glasses caught on my hand.
I realized I had worn glasses today.
“This damn thing!”
I threw away that stuffy thing and stepped on it, crushing it beyond recognition.
Seeing evidence that I was being swayed by him, my temperature rose immensely.
I’m annoyed. I couldn’t understand at all why I should harbor such anxiety.
“Haah… Haah…”
After exhaling and inhaling for a while, fortunately, the anger subsided.
The broken glasses beneath my feet were no longer visible. It seemed I had unconsciously left that place and arrived somewhere unfamiliar.
Looking around, I couldn’t tell where I was. It was a place I had never seen before. Looking at the street name sign, it was a street I had never heard of.
Trying to find my way home, I searched my pockets and recalled that I had left my phone at home.
“Phew…”
First, I looked for a nearby bus stop or tram stop, but somehow it felt like I was entering increasingly unfamiliar roads.
Still, not far away, I found a stop and read the bus route map.
Fortunately, there was one bus that went to a stop I knew. But even that bus didn’t go directly to my home.
I sighed and waited for the bus. Not long after, the bus arrived, and I was able to get on the bus and return home.
I thought for a long time on the bus.
“…I need to go back.”
There was no other way.
But trying to think of a way to return to the time before meeting Woosang, I couldn’t imagine how I, who couldn’t even eat pasta alone in a restaurant, could go back to the way I was before.
Wretchedness filled my throat.
