# Chapter 102
I avoided Woosang’s quietly observing eyes. As I was tearing at the innocent sofa with my fingertips, I felt warmth coming over my hand. His hand covered the back of my lonely hand.
“You’re not trying to go somewhere again, are you?”
“…”
“You’ll stay here, right?”
His voice was trembling slightly. He seemed to have thoroughly misunderstood the current situation. Seeing Woosang thinking that I was going to leave, I felt like my throat was tightening along with him.
“It’s not what you’re thinking.”
“Then? Why are you staring at maps all day?”
“…”
Originally, I had planned to go back to where I used to live alone while he was on his business trip, to check the house situation first. If there was nothing unusual, I would suggest going together with Woosang, and I wanted to bury those messy memories as they were.
However, I couldn’t predict what scenery we would see together when we arrived at my hometown. An old house stained with blood, or a space already completely collapsed beyond recognition. I couldn’t know. And that made it even more frightening.
I gently pulled my hand away from Woosang’s grasp and placed my hand over his. Then I carefully chose what to say.
“…You remember I told you I grew up in Quebec when I was young? That’s why we came here.”
“…”
“Living in Quebec was already more than 20 years ago, and even I had forgotten about living in Quebec.”
Woosang just silently listened to the story. I was afraid to look at his face filled with nothing but silence. So I continued speaking, feeling only the touch of our clasped hands.
“Recently, as I’ve been confronting things I deliberately turned away from, I thought that someday I definitely wanted to return to my hometown once. And since we happened to be living in Quebec now. So…”
“Teo.”
“Yes?”
He reached out with his other hand and slowly caressed my cheek. Woosang’s hand, filled with coldness from fingertips to palm, represented his cooled feelings.
“Lately, we’ve been through so many things. Even counting just the big and small incidents, there’s no end to them. Right?”
“…Yes, we have.”
“But what do you want to do by going there now? If you dig up past events and get hurt again… then how much more rest period do you think will be needed to heal that wound?”
‘Think carefully.’ Woosang’s words were incredibly sharp, as if there was a knife attached to the tip of his tongue.
His words certainly had a point. There was absolutely no reason to stir up and stab our long-standing problems that we had barely managed to resolve.
Nevertheless, my mind wanted to perfectly face that time and shake off the shadows I carried.
As if drawn by an irresistible force, as if shouting that place was the final destination I had to mark.
“But I want to go.”
A deep sigh hit my face. Woosang’s impatience and complaints poured out unfiltered.
“…Then.”
“…”
“Alright. I understand.”
The voice filled with resignation made my heart heavy. But I knew that the end result was still affirmative.
“When I return from Toronto, let’s go together then.”
“But that…”
“Concede at least that much.”
At his seemingly desperate expression, I nodded reflexively. Relief and anxiety came together, but I tried not to show it on my face.
Woosang, perhaps with a headache, removed his hand that had been caressing my cheek and firmly pressed his own brow. I in turn reached out to him and pushed his flowing hair to the side.
Through the swept-aside hair, I noticed sweat beading on Woosang’s forehead. It seemed I wasn’t the only one who was tense.
He quietly rose from his seat and approached the window. Outside the window, a scene distinctly different from Paris was densely embroidered.
But such scenery didn’t enter my eyes, and only his expression reflected in the window caught my attention.
Both he with an unreadable subtle expression and I who was tormenting myself were reflected in the window simultaneously.
“…Get some rest now. You’ve been busy for weeks.”
At my words, Woosang seemed about to turn his head but soon turned away and just stood blankly by the window without moving a step.
And I, beside him, just stared blankly at his back without even making a slight movement.
***
Woosang left for his business trip.
He departed abruptly in the morning without saying goodbye and didn’t leave any particular contact.
I thought about contacting him first, but he seemed like he didn’t want to talk to me, so I couldn’t bring myself to contact him first.
Recalling that he would be away from home today and tomorrow, somehow the temperature of the house seemed to drop sharply. It was strange since it seemed there was still time before winter approached.
After quietly guarding the house until the afternoon, I came to my senses and felt like I needed to do something.
It was something I had known for quite some time, but when I felt down and stayed only at home, my thoughts became blurry as if trapped inside the house.
‘I should go out and have a coffee at least.’
So I needed to head somewhere. I slowly prepared to go out and looked at the books placed on the living room table.
And I picked up a book that I had been reading until just now. The hefty weight felt not bad. If I went outside like this and read a book while drinking coffee, I would feel better.
I thought only pleasant thoughts as if casting a spell on myself. I came out of the house and scanned the street once. I could see people walking busily and wide streets.
In the dizzy streets, I skillfully walked forward. My destination was a café I had visited a few days ago.
At the café I arrived at, whether by coincidence or not, the employee I had encountered a few days ago was brewing coffee. At the sound of the door opening, the employee raised her head and made eye contact with me.
“Hello.”
The employee immediately greeted me warmly. I walked to the counter, ordered a cup of coffee, and handed over coins. The employee received the order and immediately started brewing coffee.
“How do you like staying here?”
“Pardon?”
“You said you just moved here recently.”
“Ah…”
She seemed to remember the conversation we had just briefly in passing. I thought for a moment and then nodded. In fact, I still didn’t know anything about this city, but just meeting a kind person was not a bad start.
“Yes, it’s good. To the point where I want to stay a little more leisurely.”
“Are you staying in Montreal only briefly?”
“I don’t know yet. But if possible, I’d like to stay for a long time.”
“If you end up staying longer, come often. It’s embarrassing for me to say, but our café has the best coffee taste on this street.”
“Is that so? I will.”
The employee handed over the completed coffee with a bright smile. I received the coffee with an equally reciprocating smile.
I sat in an empty seat, put the coffee on the table, and took out the book I had brought from my bag.
Even though it was only my second visit, this hard chair and table felt as comfortable as if I had used them frequently, fitting my body perfectly.
The times I had felt such comfort in a place without Woosang could be counted on one hand. I had always lived in anxiety, and had only continued a heavy life to the extent that I couldn’t even feel that anxious emotion.
But now I was conversing with others as if it were natural, and had arrived at a distant place in search of what I wanted to do.
Looking back, so many things had really changed.
So whatever I see in my hometown, I won’t be shaken. Woosang needs to know that fact.
I erased the deep thoughts from my mind and deliberately tried to immerse myself in the contents of the book I had brought. I couldn’t concentrate at all in the morning, but the letters seemed to enter my eyes well, perhaps because getting some fresh air outside had certainly refreshed me.
As I was reading the book without moving for a long time, a small croissant was placed on the table.
“…?”
“Would you like to try this? It’s a risky act to offer a croissant to someone who’s lived in Paris, but…”
“Ah, thank you. How much is it?”
I hastily straightened my waist and fumbled for coins in my pocket.
“It’s on the house! The end is slightly burnt.”
“I see, I’ll enjoy it.”
When I smiled brightly, the employee stared at me with a dazed expression. Then she carefully leaned her head forward.
“Do you have someone you’re seeing?”
“Pardon?”
“If it’s okay, would you like to have dinner together later? I know a nice restaurant nearby…”
Startled by the employee’s words, I waved my hands. And looking around hurriedly, I said in a small voice.
“I’m seeing someone.”
“Oh, really? I’m sorry! I thought you were single since you don’t have a ring…”
At the employee’s words, I shook my head again and also apologized. I felt the heat cooling rapidly from my forehead as if cold sweat would flow.
It felt like my heart was sinking. It wasn’t that I had done anything particularly immoral, but it felt like I had already done something bad.
The sudden feeling of anxiety was unfamiliar. But I knew well where this fear originated from. If Woosang were to witness this scene, it was clear that he would torment me for about a week.
Perhaps embarrassed by my restless appearance, the employee hurriedly returned to the counter, asking me to pretend it never happened.
I briefly looked at the employee returning to her seat and doing her job, and I also hurriedly caught my breath. Only the sound of my startled breathing filled my ears.
‘Don’t think idle thoughts, don’t think exaggeratedly…’
To erase the rising thoughts, I hurriedly turned my gaze to the book I had been reading. But my already scattered mental state didn’t allow me to concentrate on the book at all.
‘Woosang isn’t even watching, why am I so tense alone?’
Even I didn’t understand this situation and emotion, so I smiled faintly and flipped the book over, placing it on the desk.
I didn’t think I could stay any longer with such scattered thoughts. I resigned myself and tidied up my seat.
The croissant she had handed to me was left alone on the table. After putting the items I had brought into my bag, I stared at the dish containing the croissant for a moment, then picked it up and took it to the counter along with the coffee cup.
“I’m sorry, even though you gave it to me especially.”
“No, it’s fine! Ah, don’t feel burdened and take the croissant with you. And please forget what I said. I was too hasty, it won’t happen again in the future.”
“…I will.”
“If you come again, I’ll give you a cup of coffee as an apology.”
The employee seemed embarrassed and trailed off as she put the slightly burnt croissant in a small bag and held it out to me. I didn’t refuse the gift that was specially offered and received it, saying goodbye to her.
