“See, didn’t I tell you? If you just fix that habit of looking at the floor and being timid, you can do it!”
“Wh-what can I do?”
“What do you mean, what?”
I froze at the next words I heard.
“Debut, of course.”
“Of course I’m quitting— What?”
My plan was to quit being a trainee soon because I didn’t want to debut?
I belatedly realized that something had started going wrong.
Debut, what kind of bolt from the blue is this?
I looked up at Director Gye with a tearful expression that formed naturally. When I stared at him blankly, Director Gye stopped talking excitedly by himself and awkwardly scratched the back of his neck.
“You know I don’t really give compliments, right? But this time, your dance— it was really good! So many kids even flocked here to see you like that.”
“……”
“Plus, your eye contact was perfect, and honestly I thought you’d caused another accident… Ahem. Are you really Ka Jerim?”
“……”
‘I’m not though.’
Since I couldn’t answer truthfully, I slowly turned my head to hide my trembling eyes. But I had no choice but to turn my head again because of the hot gazes of the trainees staring at me while pressed closely against the practice room’s glass wall.
“Always looking at the ground, neck bent down like this, causing every accident there is— geez. I honestly regretted casting you.”
“Haha… ha.”
I see, so that’s what Ka Jerim was like. I, who was trying to imitate Ka Jerim, acted like someone determined to completely break everything about Ka Jerim’s appearance up until now. On top of that, even when dancing, I did the eye contact that Ka Jerim couldn’t do cleanly and well, and even danced really passionately…
This was my oversight for never properly meeting Ka Jerim (excluding that strange dream), not knowing Ka Jerim’s personality, information, or anything.
“Tomorrow is the last monthly evaluation of the year. You know that the first male idol group is scheduled to debut next year, right? So at tomorrow’s monthly evaluation—”
“……I think I’m still far from ready.”
“What?”
Cha Hohyeon, is this the best you can do?
But this was the only thing I could think of in the moment. I was flustered even as I said it, but more than anything, Director Gye’s expression hardened as he stood facing me, so I hurriedly continued rambling.
“I’m still very lacking to debut…”
“Next year, you’ll be in your fourth year as a trainee, you know?”
“That’s true. My dancing is also really weird…”
“Wasn’t it earlier? That was really difficult but you danced it well.”
“……I can’t sing either?”
“Why is that a question?”
Because I just became Ka Jerim so I don’t know. Thinking that while making an awkward smile, Director Gye silently fiddled with his chin for a while and stared at me.
“As expected.”
“Right, as expected I’m lacking—”
“Even humble. You really came to your senses properly this time, didn’t you?”
“……”
I’m wrong. This person doesn’t seem like he’ll listen no matter what I say.
As I pondered deeply whether the dance I performed was that impressive, I recalled that the <Jins> stage became quite an issue for its knife-like group dance. Then I covered my face as I finally remembered how sunbaes and junior singers would look at us with pitying expressions whenever they watched our stage because it was famously wickedly difficult.
Looking back, I looked exactly like someone trying hard to appeal for debut.
But for me, who really had no intention of debuting, this situation was extremely awkward, so I stood up from my seat and then politely bowed my head.
“I’m sorry.”
“Hm?”
I didn’t plan to do this right now. Yeah. If I just stay alive, anything, somehow, will be resolved.
When I looked at Director Gye with a determined face, he looked at me and asked if I had something to say. After biting my lip hard once and releasing it, I spoke with a face full of tension.
“I want to quit being a trainee as of today…”
Thump.
“……Ka Jerim?”
Thump, thump.
I tried to speak but bent over from the agonizing pain as if my heart was being torn apart.
“You bastard! What’s wrong with you!!”
Director Gye, who had been watching me from across, panicked and rushed toward me, and I curled up my body even more.
“……Haah……”
“Ka Jerim, snap out of it!”
As if someone was trying to prevent me from saying the words about quitting being a trainee, my breath became blocked and my heart started to hurt. While struggling in pain, I heard the words I had heard in that previous dream.
[I won’t make it. I’d rather die than live like this.]
[No one would know if I died, right? Should I really die? If I die? I’m scared. Do I want to live a little more? No……]
Then I heard Ka Jerim’s sobbing voice.
[Help me, help me, help me, help me.]
When I suddenly had a seizure, Director Gye shouted with a panicked face to call 119, and soon the inside of the practice room became a mess. I barely asked back to Ka Jerim inside me, who like a broken radio only repeated [help me].
[Help with what?]
Ka Jerim didn’t answer and only repeated asking for help. The madly pounding heart and the sensation squeezing my entire body were so painful that I scratched at the floor.
[Help me, help me, help me……]
I couldn’t understand at all why Ka Jerim tried to die or what he was asking me to help with. It would be nice if he would tell me, but the voice scratching at my ears continued to only chant “help me” as if it could only say “help me.”
All I could roughly guess was that something bad happened to Ka Jerim before his death, and despite having a normally dispirited personality, he endured the difficult trainee life while dreaming of being an idol……
‘Dreaming of being an idol?’
At the outline that seemed about to be revealed yet wasn’t revealed, I frowned. Director Gye’s shouting beside me was crushed along with tinnitus.
“Ka Jerim! Ah— we’re screwed. This bastard’s eyes are completely unfocused!!”
Somehow feeling like I had to check myself in the mirror, I barely stretched out my arm to support my upper body and stared at the mirror. My focus, which had been shaking so severely from the agony that I couldn’t see anything, gradually focused on me.
In the mirror, Ka Jerim was looking at me.
I was looking at Ka Jerim.
“Ha.”
That’s right. What was reflected in the mirror wasn’t me.
[Help me.]
It was the real Ka Jerim.
The real Ka Jerim was looking at me through the mirror.
At that moment, some of the things Ka Jerim experienced in this practice room came to mind.
Ka Jerim who worked hard as a trainee even among trainees who hated him, Ka Jerim who blamed himself for not achieving anything until right before his death, and even the dream he wanted to achieve until the very end.
Not all memories came to mind, but I became able to faintly grasp the outline of what Ka Jerim wanted from me.
It was that he wanted me to achieve the dream he couldn’t complete in place of the dead Ka Jerim.
“……If I do it. If I do it, won’t it work?”
“Ka Jerim— Ka Jerim!! Are you conscious? Are you okay now?!”
“Still, using such a terrible method……”
What if he told me.
Ka Jerim’s emotions pour down on me. Only then could I know how desperate he had been. Even the despair and pain from the frustration of his dream were considerable, to the point where just recalling it made my breath catch.
‘What exactly led him to suicide? Why did he make that choice when he craved it so much? I can’t understand.’
But Ka Jerim didn’t tell me that much. I lay prone and groaned, then took a deep breath when I felt the tinnitus subsiding. My heart still throbbed, but now it was somewhat bearable.
“Ugh…… Director-nim.”
“Huh? Are you okay now?”
When I tried to raise my stiff body, Director Gye jumped in surprise and supported me. My whole body ached. My head hurt, and my ears were ringing.
“……Ah, yes.”
“What was wrong with you?”
“Was, was the dance too hard?”
“What? Does that make sense, you bastard!”
Even I thought it was a ridiculous excuse and let out an empty laugh. Director Gye was dumbfounded seeing me sitting there laughing when I had been acting like someone about to die just moments ago.
“Haha……”
“Is it funny? Is this funny?”
Director Gye said how can you laugh right now— and told me something about 119 coming so I should go get examined at least.
“When 119 comes, tell them where it hurts. And if you’ve had any problems from before—”
“Director-nim. What time is the monthly evaluation tomorrow?”
“—tell them properly if there was anywhere that wasn’t feeling well, and the monthly evaluation is at what ti… huh?”
Director Gye looked at me with an incredulous face, but I spoke without caring about that gaze.
“What time should I come for the monthly evaluation?”
“No, what are you saying in the middle of all this? And you said you wouldn’t do it earlier.”
After lying spread-eagled on the floor, I roughly rubbed my face that was covered in tears I didn’t even know when I shed.
“Director-nim is right.”
“About what?”
I didn’t like that he stopped me from trying to quit being a trainee with such a terrible method.
“Four years means it’s time to debut, doesn’t it?”
But when I tried to quit being a trainee, I had no choice but to change my mind because of Ka Jerim, who was very sad and in pain. What right did I, who had only been in this body for one day, have to throw away all the countless hours he had poured into his dream?
Of course, as Ka Jerim, I tried not to step foot in the entertainment industry because I was afraid of the unbridgeable gap where when I faced Cha Hohyeon’s connections, they wouldn’t know me but I would know them well. But at the same time, the image of Ka Jerim who always drew and dreamed of the stage kept being drawn in my mind.
