# Chapter 27
However, not long after, Jaei came to learn about a story he had been unaware of through a screenplay written by someone else. A scene appeared that seemed to reveal the real reason why Doha had suddenly pushed him away and changed his heart 12 years ago.
C thought his own abilities were inferior to B’s. C went to A and asked about the reason for B’s audition rejection. To C, A said, “You are ruining B, and if you continue to diminish B’s talent, neither I nor any other director will cast B.” Though indirectly stated, it essentially meant that if they didn’t break up, he simply wouldn’t put B on stage.
Jaei covered his mouth with his hand to keep from screaming out loud. All this time, he had believed that Doha pushed him away because he became immersed in his role and fell in love with his co-star. He never imagined something like this had happened.
And at that moment, he could understand the meaning of the “gift” Doha had mentioned during their phone call on the day of the accident. Upon this realization, Jaei let out a silent scream, wrapping his arms around his head and curling his body. Did it mean that Doha wanted his death to be a gift to Jaei as an actor?
Making a small, pained sound, he looked down at Doha sleeping beside him. He reached out to touch his face. His fingertips confirmed the warmth on Doha’s cheek.
“Doha…”
Doha had started dating at too young an age, and so he took the drama protagonists who did their best for the ones they loved as his role models for romance. He made sacrifice and consideration for his delicate and sensitive lover his daily habit.
How devastated must he have felt when he was told that what he had done for over six years to maintain his lover’s emotional stability was actually hindering and ruining his lover’s dream? Didn’t he feel like he’d lost his purpose in life and had his very existence denied?
For him, only fourteen years old with a small world, hiding his love and making his existence fainter was the best choice he could make. Always wanting to show his best side, he removed his belongings from the room they shared with an unbearably shabby heart.
The rough draft of the unfinished screenplay ended there. It was late in the night, but Jaei knew Hong Duyoung wouldn’t be asleep at this hour. Quietly slipping out of the blanket so as not to wake Doha, he went to the living room and called him in a low voice.
“Director-nim, I’ve checked the screenplay. But we need to talk in person. I think there could be a lot of misunderstandings if we don’t discuss this face to face. If you’re available, I’d like to meet tomorrow evening.”
* * *
Jaei filled Hong Duyoung’s glass with soju. Despite claiming to be on medication for poor health, Hong Duyoung didn’t refuse the alcohol.
“It’s my story, isn’t it?”
“If it’s rude to create a work based on your story, I’ll apologize.”
“Yes, it doesn’t seem very polite. To Doha too. Why did you do that to him?”
Though his words were sharp, his tone was affectionate. Jaei was someone with a profession that involved expressing words and actions as if they were genuine, regardless of his true feelings. There was no reason to show his claws prematurely when his hatred for Hong Duyoung might last a long time. His increasingly softer smile and tone were evidence of his anger. Hong Duyoung gave exactly the answer Jaei had imagined.
“He asked about the reason for the test results first. So I just told him that the gem I discovered had lost its luster. I explained what the cause was. I never told him to distance himself from you. Telling actors to really fall in love with their co-stars is something I’ve instructed all the actors I’ve met.”
“That’s just like you, Director-nim. When you told me back then that Doha was dating his co-star, was that deliberately lying to me? Did you want to teach me about loss?”
“That’s a misunderstanding. I heard it from the staff.”
“Yes, I expected you to answer so casually.”
Jaei laughed emptily with tears in his eyes. Hong Duyoung started to defend himself about something that hadn’t even been asked.
“Let me tell you in advance, what happened between Doha and me ends there. Everything that follows in the latter part is fiction. Don’t misunderstand.”
“Of course it should end there. You shouldn’t have done anything more.”
“If you’re not comfortable with it, I won’t make it into a film.”
“I don’t know yet if I’ll be okay with it or not, since I don’t know all the content up to the ending. Tell me in detail what it’s about from now on.”
Jaei continuously filled the transparent glass with alcohol until he was drunk. Matching the pace of his intoxication, Jaei pretended to be drunk himself, though he wasn’t drunk at all. He drank half and discarded half. With a peach in his mouth, he chewed while drawing out Hong Duyoung’s story with appropriately slurred pronunciation and an affectionate tone devoid of awkwardness.
When Jaei asked about the details of the work in a light tone, as if he had shaken off all his resentment, a thoroughly drunk Hong Duyoung excitedly talked on and on without stopping. He was someone who originally loved talking about himself the most.
“Maybe it’s because the kid watched too many dramas, but his usual behavior was so unrealistic that there weren’t many usable lines from what he actually said. Getting hit by a motorcycle, and in the midst of that, calling to regret saying hurtful things? Does that make sense? Even today’s dramas would get criticized for writing like that.”
And finally, he blurted out words that should never have been spoken aloud. As drunk as he was, he probably wouldn’t remember what he had said the next morning.
It felt like an electric shock, making his skull tingle. That sensation soon turned into heat, warming his entire head and face. Jaei pounded his nauseated chest to stop the retching and took a sip of water. He hadn’t told anyone about the content of his last phone call with Doha that day. He had only stated that he received birthday wishes. He couldn’t speak about the rest with his own mouth because it was a lovers’ quarrel. But how did Hong Duyoung know about that?
Countless thoughts flowed through his mind in a short time.
“Ah… he was always like that.”
Did he find Doha collapsed on his way home after the accident? Or was there another reason? Did he witness it but not report it? Was he too eager to get ideas, listening to what Doha said as he stood at death’s door? Because he could create a work with that character after observing the changes in a human named Lee Jaei? Did he want Jaei to lose him forever and become an actor to his liking?
Making Doha feel guilty by saying unnecessary things—his actions should have ended there. If it had ended there, Jaei would have forgiven Hong Duyoung. When he was young, he didn’t know much about adult circumstances. Only after becoming an adult did he realize that Hong Duyoung had paid an excessively large consolation payment to Doha’s parents. An amount that could settle at once a debt that the two of them couldn’t have repaid even after working for years. Was it all because he was involved in Doha’s death?
Someone lost a precious life, and someone left behind had to attempt to follow the deceased hundreds of times. For Hong Duyoung, all of those terrible things were just materials for his art. It felt like his chest was burning black, his entire body turning to ash and sinking down.
Jaei felt the vengeful feelings he had nurtured toward himself for 12 years shifting toward someone else. He laughed loudly, submerging his sobbing. With tears brimming in his eyes, after laughing like that for a while, he raised his head and looked directly into the eyes of a drunk, senseless Hong Duyoung. With a knife in his eyes instead of his hands, he answered.
“I’ll appear in it. It seems there are still things I need to know.”
The boy Lee Jaei grew into the actor Lee Jaei by consuming Ryu Doha’s blood and soul. Ryu Doha’s flesh was used as fertilizer for Jaei’s growth. A young boy whose bones and organs weren’t fully developed was a sacrifice for Jaei. The red carpet that Jaei trampled with designer shoes while receiving awards overseas for Hong Duyoung’s film was the blood he had shed.
As Jaei returned to Doha in a car driven by his manager, he blinked his reddened eyes and mumbled the same sentence over and over as if reciting lines.
“I could die for Jaei… I could… die… for Jaei…”
It’s an endlessly trite and obvious sentence. But when such a belief becomes reality, it is no longer obvious. The life of a child who said he could give his life for his loved one truly became that sentence.
“Doha, I will never die for you…”
Facing this new belief, Jaei mumbled slowly, as if engraving it on his body.
To reduce the time it took to return to Doha, he jumped out of the car and hurriedly ran toward the elevator. On that path, he was realizing the words of love Doha had conveyed to him.
You are my destination.
Doha, who learned about love from dramas, was a teacher to him. Even in his dying moments, Doha wanted his existence to be a gift in Lee Jaei’s life. Preventing Jaei from making a bad choice was more important to him than crying out in pain.
Suddenly, his own love felt like nothing. Though he acted as if it was the love of the century, in the end, it was a worthless, shabby love where he had lost nothing. Lee Jaei became an actor who stood on Doha’s corpse, and through that acting, he gained recognition and love from many people, accumulated more wealth, and obtained honor. He even got Doha back. He hadn’t lost anything at all.
He unlocked the front door by pressing Doha’s birthdate. Afraid that he might burst into tears like a child when facing him, he deliberately called Doha’s name in an even brighter and louder voice.
“Ryu Doha! Where are you! Come out quickly and greet me! The head of the household has arrived!”
Doha, who had been brushing his teeth in the bathroom, popped out. Walking over with sparkling round eyes and cutely waving his hand, he stood in front of Jaei, placed both hands on his stomach, and deeply bowed his waist to pay respects to the head of the household. Then he greeted politely.
“Woong-woong-woo-woong-woong woong-woo-woo woong-woo-woong-woong-woong.”
Welcome home, you worked hard today. Jaei could accurately interpret Doha’s words with the toothbrush in his mouth. It was a remarkable ability born from years of living together.
He didn’t want to ruin Doha’s innocent appearance, reborn without knowing sadness and hatred. It seemed right to hide the past so that he couldn’t recall the memory of death, so that he could live his entire life without knowing anything. But he also wanted to reveal the past to him, make him understand it, revive all his old memories, and release his resentment.
Anyway, he no longer had the decision-making power. Eventually, everything would flow naturally. Doha might discover the password to apartment 1002, or somehow, Doha’s existence could become known to the world, and his family members might contact him.
