# Chapter 10.
Doha knows that Jaei has been receiving psychiatric treatment since middle school. According to his parents and Jaei, he’s only being prescribed sleeping pills for a mild sleep disorder he’s had since childhood, but otherwise is in very good health. Doha also thought it was natural for Jaei, being a celebrity, to receive regular mental care.
He knows that nothing is wrong with Jaei and that he’s in a bright and healthy state. But Doha thought that if he were Jaei’s older brother instead of his younger brother, he would never have let him debut. Because Jaei was already a sensitive person, Doha found it unbearable to worry that for all the love he received, he was also receiving harsh words from others.
Jaei, who had welcomed body pillow Lee Doha into his bed after a long time, struggled to tuck Doha into his arms.
“You’ve become really, really sturdy in just a few months. Have you been exercising hard?”
Doha once wished to be as big as a refrigerator, making this wish to the refrigerator three meals a day. Then, surprisingly, he really did grow as big as a refrigerator. The 189cm boy, who had grown bigger than planned, still brought his baby-like cute face close to Jaei’s eyes and asked:
“So do you like it or not? Do you prefer me being more adult-like, or do you prefer me staying childlike?”
Jaei, who was pressing Doha’s handsome jawbone and nose with his finger before pulling his still modeling clay-like cute cheeks, smiled with his eyes folded and answered:
“I like everything. I like you whether you’re as big as a dinosaur or as small as a shrimp. All of you is pretty.”
Doha, who had been curling his body small pretending to be a baby, finally comfortably stretched his back and shoulders. Jaei continued speaking while grabbing and checking his shoulder blades and muscles.
“Your shoulders have really broadened. This is the first time I’ve hugged such a large and solid body pillow.”
Doha’s expression instantly turned cold. Since childhood, Jaei had often referred to Doha as “my body pillow.” Doha narrowed his round eyes and asked in a voice full of suspicion:
“Have you slept hugging something other than me?”
“Yes. I switch between them. Didn’t you know?”
Jaei nodded as if it was obvious. Doha, who had been glaring at Jaei with cold eyes, bit the inside of his cheek with his molars to hold back the boiling jealousy.
He had thought that there might be staff or colleagues who helped him sleep when he had to sleep on set or in provincial accommodations. Imagining Jaei and fellow actors embracing each other’s bodies to sleep was so painful he wanted to split his head open. Jaei, noticing that Doha’s cheeks had hollowed inward, tapped that spot with his finger and said:
“There are many in the built-in closet. U-shaped, C-shaped too. There’s also an H-shaped one. The one I carry to filming locations is I-shaped.”
Doha, relieved to confirm that the body pillows Jaei was talking about were not humans, sighed in relief and comfortably released the cheek flesh he had been biting. He regained a comfortable smile.
“I know that one. The green one. The worn-out one.”
“Yes. You saw it every time the making photos were uploaded, right? I hug that one when I sleep on set.”
Jaei’s face was almost no different from when he was fifteen once the makeup was removed. At a glance, he looked cold and sensitive, but on closer inspection, he had the kindest eyes and smile of anyone. It seemed that as he grew into adulthood, his gentle nature was increasingly showing on his face. Since he always maintained a slim figure through diet and exercise, his build wasn’t much different from when he was young.
Doha took a deep breath and puffed out his chest. He slipped out of Jaei’s arms as if being pushed away and embraced Jaei’s body with his strong arms. After cupping the back of Jaei’s head with his palm, he hid Jaei’s sensitive eyes and ears in his embrace.
“Let’s sleep now.”
“It’s spacious in here. Spacious.”
Jaei, suddenly drawn into Doha’s embrace, interestingly experienced the unfamiliar space. Doha exerted all his strength in his arms to prevent him from escaping and spoke quietly:
“I’ve grown, but your body has also gotten smaller.”
“I have lost more weight recently. I’m in the middle of filming.”
“Should I burst Lee Jaei?”
“No, no. Doha, please be patient. If you purposely apply force, I think I’ll really burst.”
Jaei, terrified, waved his hands and rapidly apologized for the accumulated transgressions of the past 10 years. Then he excitedly pinched Doha’s arms that had become sturdy enough to withstand being kneaded all night. Doha’s embrace had excellent soundproofing. It was an environment where other living noises except for Doha’s heartbeat were well blocked, and it was as dark as being buried underground.
Jaei, finding Doha’s embrace very comfortable and cozy, peeked out his eyes that had been buried in his chest.
“Your heart is still beating fast.”
“I secretly drank coffee after taking medicine earlier.”
“I told you to quit coffee. You’ll end up drinking it even if you don’t want to when you become an adult and have a lot to do. Don’t drink it already.”
Jaei, leaving his final nagging of the day, closed his eyes and comfortably rested his face on Doha’s chest. And not long after, he fell into a sleep as if dead. Doha slightly held Jaei’s thin wrist and checked the speed of his pulse. His heartbeat was incomparably weaker and slower than his own right now. He didn’t seem to feel any excitement or discomfort in this bed.
“Sigh…”
If this relationship was going to continue like this in the future, he’d rather go back to being a child. At least then he could comfort himself by saying it was because he was too young to be an object of Jaei’s affection.
Jaei, who had been pretending to sleep like a hibernating animal in Doha’s arms, quietly opened his eyes an hour later. Just by listening to Doha’s breathing, he could distinguish whether he was awake, dozing, or deeply asleep.
Like an actor who receives hundreds of millions of won per episode, he only opened his eyes after being certain that Doha was deeply asleep, having performed a luxury sleep act. Doha had grown into a teenager who easily detoxified caffeine, just as he had been a child who didn’t get sick even after eating desiccants.
He slightly backed away from Doha and carefully caressed his soft cheeks. Then he quietly mumbled to himself. It was the same question he had asked when he first met Doha in front of the tteokbokki shop.
“…who are you?”
When filming movies or dramas, if he thinks of the other actor as “the child that human Lee Jaei actually loves,” then in that moment, the expression and breathing of someone in love comes out. If the same actor appears as a hostile villain, he could express the expression and breathing of a person filled with anger and revenge by imagining them as “that bastard I want to kill.” He could control even physical reactions just through imagination.
It was the same with Doha. Just like when acting, depending on how he thought of Doha, his body and mind actually treating him changed 180 degrees.
Everything was comfortable when he thought of Lee Doha’s identity as “Ryu Seungha.” “Ryu Seungha living under the name Lee Doha” was a kind and lovable younger brother who would remain forever cute to him no matter how old he got.
Jaei, as an older brother, greatly loved and cherished him who had suddenly appeared like an angel one day and became his younger brother. As a guardian, he wanted to raise him with responsibility and help him live a happy life with a good person for the rest of his life, even after he was gone.
However, the moment he thought of Lee Doha’s identity as “Ryu Doha” as Doha himself claimed… Jaei could not handle his own feelings. The emotion toward “Ryu Doha living under the name Lee Doha” was something too difficult to even put into words.
Jaei still didn’t know whether Lee Doha’s true identity was Ryu Seungha or Ryu Doha. So during the time when Doha was awake, he thought of him as “Ryu Seungha.” That was the more logical and rational judgment. That’s how he had been able to maintain their daily life as brothers until now.
Thinking of Doha as “Ryu Doha” was only possible when he was asleep. Because it was an absurd imagination enough to be treated as a madman by everyone in the world. At night, reason fell asleep first, and the illogical imagination that couldn’t fall asleep defined Lee Doha as “Ryu Doha who had returned to Lee Jaei.”
“Sweet dreams, Ryu Doha.”
Tonight again, Jaei concluded that Lee Doha, who had gradually grown by his side and now had a bigger body than himself, was Ryu Doha. So he had to go through another storm of emotions like a war by himself. He covered his mouth and shed tears in the darkness, and pretended to caress Doha without touching his body. He bit the tender inner flesh of his lips countless times to prevent mournful moans from escaping.
He tossed and turned restlessly and eventually stayed up all night. Having too many thoughts was Jaei’s biggest flaw. Once he started thinking, he couldn’t easily cut it off. He needed to keep his body busy to break this unproductive chain of thoughts and sleep well, but on nights when there was no schedule the next day, this inevitably happened. Neither Doha’s heartbeat nor the sleeping pills prescribed at the hospital helped.
As soon as dawn came, he groggily slipped out of bed. He washed his face and applied ointment to the inside of his lips where they had been damaged from being crushed by his teeth. Then, as a guardian, he prepared breakfast for Doha who had to go to school in the morning.
Jaei, whose reason had awakened, once again thought of Lee Doha’s identity as “Ryu Seungha, Ryu Doha’s younger brother.” As soon as he changed the definition of Doha, his restless heart calmed down surprisingly quickly. The beloved person’s blood brother was just a brother to Jaei too. He couldn’t be more than that.
Ryu Doha. The name of the person Jaei had loved for the first and last time in his life.
