# Chapter 45
Mo Eunje briefly recalled his now-faded first love and chuckled listlessly. Naturally, he began to wonder who Tae Igyeol’s first love might have been.
First, he thought of the friends they hung out with most often in ninth grade, who they would roam around with after school. Kim Jiwan was currently in Australia on a working holiday, and Cha Hyunwoo had gotten married three years ago due to a “speeding violation.” The probability was high that Tae Igyeol’s first love was one of these two, but since they had been in different classes since ninth grade, Mo Eunje couldn’t be certain. Given Tae Igyeol’s personality, he wasn’t the type to show signs of liking someone of the same gender, which is why Mo Eunje had never suspected anything. But no matter how much he racked his brain, he couldn’t think of anyone besides Kim Jiwan and Cha Hyunwoo.
“Was your first love possibly Kim Jiwan?”
But no matter how curious he was, he couldn’t just ask so directly.
“Are you crazy? Absolutely not.”
“Huh? Did I just say that out loud?”
“Haah… Has coming to the sea made you lose your mind? Kim Jiwan, for fuck’s sake… Do you want to take a dip? Should I wake you up?”
“If not, then whatever. Why are you getting so serious? Despite the weather warming up, if I go in now, I’ll catch a cold.”
Mo Eunje smiled broadly with his eyes. What he meant to think internally had slipped out, and accidentally, he learned the truth. It seemed Tae Igyeol’s first love was Cha Hyunwoo. Now he understood why Tae Igyeol had described his first love as something he had “suffered severely” from. Cha Hyunwoo always had a girlfriend and dated dramatically every time. He had even introduced Mo Eunje to his first girlfriend, that’s how many female students surrounded him.
With this insight, Mo Eunje could fully understand why the group chat with Kim Jiwan, Cha Hyunwoo, and the four of them had disappeared. After his daughter was born, Cha Hyunwoo habitually sent photos of her to the group chat to show off. At some point, there was a persistent “1” notification, and then Tae Igyeol left. No matter how much time had passed, it probably wasn’t easy to watch his first love’s happiness. With Cha Hyunwoo flooding the chat with his daughter’s photos and demanding reactions, Kim Jiwan also left shortly after, and that’s how the group chat disappeared.
“Ah, this is ridiculous. How the hell does your mind work to come up with such thoughts? I’m so dumbfounded I can’t even speak. Listen, even if Kim Jiwan and I were the last two people on Earth, I wouldn’t like him. The more I think about it, the more disgusted I feel, seriously.”
“Giant rumination prohibited.”
“Hey.”
“I made a mistake, so stop thinking about it. I’m sorry. Really sorry. How about, should I take a dip to make you feel better?”
Mo Eunje crossed his arms into an X as if he would jump in right away, pretending to take off his t-shirt. However, even after lifting his t-shirt enough to show his navel, Tae Igyeol just watched silently with narrowed eyes and folded arms, as if challenging him to go ahead.
This isn’t right…
Mo Eunje lifted his t-shirt a bit higher, but Tae Igyeol remained silent. He should have been yelling by now, asking who would take care of him if he caught a cold from jumping in now.
No choice. Time to change strategy.
“Igyeol, stop me quickly. This is the timing where you need to stop me.”
“You’re really something else.”
In an instant, a large palm covered Mo Eunje’s face as if squeezing it before pulling away.
“Hey, my face…!”
Mo Eunje was about to show what “something else” really meant, but he quietly closed his mouth when he saw the icy glare.
“Fine, as long as you’re feeling better, even at the sacrifice of my face.”
It felt like his whole face was being ripped off, but he pretended to be magnanimous and feigned tolerance given the mood. Though he hadn’t particularly lost anything, somehow it felt like he had fought well despite losing.
Anyway, it was shocking that Tae Igyeol’s first love was Cha Hyunwoo, something he had never even imagined. But on the other hand, it made sense since Cha Hyunwoo had pretty good looks—he had briefly been a trainee at an idol agency during school, though he ultimately couldn’t debut as a celebrity because his parents wouldn’t allow it. People are generally attracted to looks when they’re young, after all.
“Can I ask my second question now? Is that okay?”
“I’m scared of what nonsense you’ll spout next.”
“It’s not nonsense, okay?”
“What is it?”
“Is it true that you dated someone without me knowing?”
This was something he had been curious about even before learning about Tae Igyeol’s sexual orientation, but now that he knew, he was even more curious. He wondered if someone who had appeared to be just a normal friend of Tae Igyeol’s in his eyes might have actually been his romantic partner.
“Phew… That is nonsense.”
But this time too, Tae Igyeol sighed as if tired.
“So is it true or not?”
“Would it be true?”
“Right? I was thinking… Yeah, we’re so close, how could you date someone without me knowing?”
“…Just ask your last question. It’s about time for aunt and uncle to get off work.”
“My last question is…”
Mo Eunje trailed off momentarily. Try as he might to ignore it, a question lingering in the depths of his consciousness suddenly surged up, hovering on the tip of his tongue. Yet it wouldn’t form into words, and his hesitation only grew deeper.
“What is it?”
“…It looks like it’ll take me at least another month to find a place. Is it really okay for me to stick with you? If there’s even an ant-poop sized discomfort, tell me now.”
“If I tell you?”
“Well, I could stay here, or find short-term accommodation. Or I could enter a residence provided by the literary support program and write my new work.”
To enter the residence provided by the literary support program starting in early May, he would need to decide now. Yesterday was the deadline for document submission, but one of the board members of the executive committee was a senior writer who had guided him for quite a long time when he was preparing for his literary debut, so he might be able to work something out. The screening would start next week anyway, so if additional submissions were possible, he was confident he would get in.
“Can’t you concentrate well at our house?”
“When I decide I need to write, your house is perfect as a workspace. The chair is even more comfortable than mine.”
“I’m not uncomfortable at all, and nothing has changed from before, so do whatever suits you.”
“Really? Then I’ll stay until I find a place?”
“Go ahead.”
Mo Eunje thought that when they returned to Seoul, he should check the utilities and maintenance fees and transfer the money to Tae Igyeol. Living together was clearly a different matter from coming and going as if living there. Since Tae Igyeol liked money, if he sent it of his own conscience first, Tae Igyeol would say, “Why are you being so meticulous about this?” while feeling pleased inside. He felt good thinking he had come up with a thoughtful plan after a long time.
“Hey, but if you start dating someone, don’t hide it from me, okay? You never know what might happen, and like with Actress Shin, you might need to use me as a shield.”
Of course, even if Tae Igyeol didn’t tell him, Mo Eunje would gladly be his shield if any awkward or difficult situations arose, but he’d prefer to be told. He remembered when he was dating in the past, Tae Igyeol would call and summon him at all hours, which made him feel incredibly sorry to his partner. So he meant that he didn’t want to cause any inconvenience that might interfere with Tae Igyeol’s dates.
“Why aren’t you answering?”
“…Eunje. If I start dating, you won’t be able to not know.”
“Honestly, if you’re determined to hide it, how would I know? I probably couldn’t tell the difference between a friend and a lover even if I met them together.”
“No. Not only would I not be able to hide it, but no matter how determined I was to hide it, you would know. The whole world might not know, but you absolutely would.”
“I guess so. If you actually start dating someone, I think it would be pretty obvious.”
Just by seeing how Tae Igyeol took care of him, he was so thoughtful and caring that he would certainly be even more devoted to a lover, so it couldn’t not be obvious. Besides, after all the years of knowing Tae Igyeol, if he couldn’t notice that, he wouldn’t deserve to call himself a friend and would have to step down from that position.
“It’s spring, maybe I should try dating again too…”
It would be a bit regretful and quite lonely if Tae Igyeol started dating, but Mo Eunje planned to graduate him from butler duties. He didn’t have the slightest desire to provoke the kinds of arguments that Tae Igyeol’s couple might have, filled with words like “jealousy,” “misunderstanding,” “habit,” and “priority.”
“Oh right. You bought digestive medicine at the convenience store before we got on the train yesterday, didn’t you?”
“…Yeah.”
“You were worried I might get indigestion? As expected of my butler.”
Since Tae Igyeol was still actively serving as his butler, Mo Eunje praised him indirectly with gratitude. But somehow his mood seemed to have soured, and suddenly the prickly Tae Igyeol gave a grand yet trivial reason that Mo Eunje hadn’t expected.
“Haah… I bought it because I didn’t want to get tired, okay? It’s obvious that if you eat in a hurry and get indigestion, you’ll make me suffer. We’d be confined for almost three hours, and did you think I’d want to take care of you in that cramped train too?”
“Giant truth-bombing prohibited.”
Mom was right. Digestive medicine is just digestive medicine, what love…
Cancel what I said about it being love yesterday.
…Maybe,
Did you ever like me?
In the end, the question he most wanted to ask was pushed deep into his heart, where no one would discover it.
