# Chapter 44
“Wow, this really opens up my heart.”
Walking along the Haeundae Beach shoreline, Mo Eunje spread his arms wide toward the vast expanse of sea. The seagulls gliding over the water looked so free. Though the salty air infiltrating his nostrils wasn’t particularly pleasant, the visual pleasure made it worth temporarily sacrificing his sense of smell.
“Later, don’t just drink everything my mom gives you. Pace yourself. We need to take the train tomorrow, and I don’t want you suffering from a terrible hangover.”
“Do I look like you? You’re the one who shouldn’t go overboard drinking with your uncle.”
Tae Igyeol scolded him as if he’d heard something absurd. Last evening, they had only soft drinks since there were still hospital appointments that day. Han Seola had the most surgeries scheduled on weekends, and the same applied to Mo Yeongwoo, who worked in the dermatology department. At least on Saturdays, they only had appointments until 4 PM, so they planned to properly drink from late afternoon today.
“I hope I don’t have to listen to Mom’s Haeundae praise today. My eardrums nearly burst yesterday. How can someone talk about the same thing for two hours without even drinking?”
“She must really love it. Auntie’s complexion looked so much brighter.”
“Says the guy who kept sneaking away.”
Han Seola was clearly delighted with living in a home overlooking Haeundae Beach, bragging about it throughout dinner yesterday. It was bad enough that Mo Yeongwoo and Tae Igyeol, who normally accommodated and responded to almost everything Han Seola said, used cigarettes as an excuse to leave the table several times. The view was certainly impressive, with the open sea visible from the bedroom and living room windows, so it was worth bragging about—but enduring two hours of it was torturous.
“By the way, aren’t you looking for a place? You’ve been at our place for almost a month now.”
“Auntie said she’d contact me if a good place becomes available.”
“So you do plan to find your own place?”
“Are you that eager for me to move out?”
“…”
Though Mo Eunje had meant it jokingly, Tae Igyeol didn’t respond. Mo Eunje stopped walking and glanced sidelong at him. Tae Igyeol had also stopped, staring at the calm sea with a pensive expression.
Mo Eunje also gazed at the sea for a moment, exhaling a silent sigh. He wasn’t sure if he was handling things well. He was trying his best to act normal, but he worried that this might actually be making Tae Igyeol uncomfortable. He couldn’t quite figure out what approach would put Tae Igyeol at ease.
That was partly why he had planned this Busan trip, intending to clear the air. He thought that getting away from their familiar environment and routine might help Tae Igyeol feel less burdened and more willing to talk. Bringing up such topics at home might make even their familiar space feel strange.
“Are you uncomfortable living with me because of your orientation?”
“…What?”
“I think I’ve been too self-centered. Your privacy won’t be guaranteed… If you’re uncomfortable, I can stay here until I find a place. The biggest advantage of my job is that I just need a laptop and can work anywhere.”
“Haah…”
“Why are you sighing? Even if you told me to leave right now, I wouldn’t feel hurt at all. I’m really okay with it—I can truly understand everything, and I want you to do whatever makes you most comfortable.”
Tae Igyeol turned his head to meet Mo Eunje’s eyes. His pale gray eyes, made even lighter by the reflected sunlight, were strangely beautiful. But whether from the brightness, his eyelids soon slightly contorted. Mo Eunje wished he could put sunglasses on him. He’d brought them from Seoul, but regretted not taking them out, not expecting to stay outdoors for so long.
“You…”
Tae Igyeol began but paused, rubbing his face with his hands. The sunlight seemed to be bothering his eyes.
“How about you?”
“What?”
“Are you okay living alone with me after I told you I like men?”
“Ha, seriously. Talking nonsense again. Just because I like women doesn’t mean I like all women, right? Your sexual orientation might be that way, but that doesn’t mean you’re attracted to all men. You’re really overthinking this.”
Mo Eunje let out an incredulous laugh. He must have been unconsciously tense, because realizing that Tae Igyeol was worried about the same thing he’d been concerned about suddenly made him feel deflated. If he’d known, he could have brought it up anytime at home without wasting time.
“So you’re okay with living with me like this.”
“Are you kidding? Look, I don’t care if you like men or monsters. You’re my best friend and family. After all these years we’ve been through together, if I distanced myself from you over something like this, wouldn’t that make me a terribly cruel person?”
As he’d told Gye Minho, Tae Igyeol’s attraction to men didn’t harm him in any way, and no matter how close they were—even closer than family—he had no right to condemn Tae Igyeol’s sexual orientation. Though he’d been shocked, that was merely an error in processing new information; nothing about him had changed before or after learning this. That’s why he wanted to accommodate whatever Tae Igyeol wanted, and actually could accommodate it. So the only thing he could do for Tae Igyeol was just one thing.
“Don’t forget that I’m on your side. Whatever you do, I’ll support you unconditionally.”
“…”
“Ugh… that’s so cheesy. I’m getting goosebumps in broad daylight. Look, I literally have goosebumps. See?”
Mo Eunje extended his arm toward Tae Igyeol. He’d only conveyed his sincere feelings, but it was so awkward that he actually had goosebumps rising on his arm. Tae Igyeol let out a laugh and swatted his arm with his palm.
“Hey, shit! Ow, that hurts. You’re just stupidly strong…”
Honestly, it didn’t hurt that much, but Mo Eunje glared at Tae Igyeol with wide eyes and made a fuss. As always, Tae Igyeol looked at him with contemptuous eyes, and Mo Eunje did his best to glare back intensely.
He hoped Tae Igyeol wouldn’t suffer because he was a little different from others. He didn’t want him to be hurt. He didn’t want him to be in pain. He wanted him to know that his mere existence was precious and valuable, and to enjoy emotional luxuries to the fullest.
He just wanted Tae Igyeol to be happy, always.
“But why aren’t you asking anything?”
“Huh? About what?”
“That day… you must have been really surprised.”
Tae Igyeol said quietly as they slowly started walking again. In truth, Mo Eunje wasn’t just surprised that day—he was extremely shocked. But what could he do? His own mind must be less complicated than Tae Igyeol’s, who was the one actually experiencing this. This wasn’t something for him to debate. It was Tae Igyeol’s unique life that deserved respect above all.
“Will you answer if I ask?”
“…If it’s something I can answer.”
“Okay. Then I’ll ask just three things I’m most curious about.”
“Then I’ll answer just three questions.”
Thousands of questions came to mind, but Mo Eunje narrowed it down to three that Tae Igyeol might be able to answer without too much discomfort. If Tae Igyeol shared willingly, he could worry and discuss it together as if it were his own issue, but he didn’t want to dig into Tae Igyeol’s already difficult feelings just to satisfy his curiosity with questions that might be hard to answer.
“Alright. First question.”
“…”
“Since when? No, when did you know?”
“About 10 years, I guess… I was in 9th grade.”
“What? That long ago?”
Mo Eunje was genuinely surprised. It was almost as shocking as when he first heard Tae Igyeol say he liked men. His heart ached thinking about how long Tae Igyeol must have been struggling with this secret alone.
“Wait, how? Weren’t you going through puberty then? You weren’t just confused because of hormones?”
“Is that your second question?”
“No! I’m canceling this question. This isn’t a question. It’s just a stream of consciousness, talking to myself.”
“Your self-talk sounds a lot like questions?”
“That’s just my way of speaking. You heard my inner thoughts only because your soul is pure. This doesn’t count.”
While responding nonchalantly, Mo Eunje tried to recall when they were sixteen. But no matter how hard he thought, there weren’t any special events or issues. He and Tae Igyeol, along with two others, always hung out together. After school, they would rush to cram schools or internet cafés together, or go to grandmother’s house when Tae Iden was busy with his schedule.
“I suffered badly from my first love. That’s how I knew.”
“Hey, why are you answering! I said it wasn’t a question. This is you answering on your own, so don’t include it in the questions. My second question is still valid.”
“…Whatever.”
Tae Igyeol reluctantly agreed to Mo Eunje’s nitpicking. The gentle spring breeze from the sea softly enveloped the two men.
First love…
For Mo Eunje, even the fact that Tae Igyeol had a first love was news to him. Of course he must have had one, but Mo Eunje had never tried to find out or been curious about it. For some reason, he just assumed Tae Igyeol wasn’t interested in such things.
But now he says he had a first love. And not just that, but that he suffered badly from it. They had stuck together like twins during their school days, so it was puzzling how he could have missed something so significant.
But soon he could easily accept it. Mo Eunje had never told Tae Igyeol about his own first love either. Though it was a brief period, it was the only time he had ever wanted someone so intensely and tenderly. The reason his feelings for subsequent partners weren’t as strong was probably because he used his first love as a standard, and everyone else seemed relatively lacking in comparison.
