# Chapter 37
“That…”
Mo Eunje was the first to break the momentary silence.
“It couldn’t have been easy to admit it…”
Tae Igyeol raised his eyes again to meet Mo Eunje’s. His dark pupils, consumed by confusion, were filled with sympathy.
“Hey. How hard it must have been, not being able to tell anyone all this time.”
Despite everything, he spoke in a casual tone, making an effort to understand. That’s the kind of person Mo Eunje was. Once he considered someone his person, he tried to embrace everything about them. When Ban Hajun spoke up, didn’t Mo Eunje immediately take his side to make sure he wouldn’t feel uncomfortable or hurt?
“Some best friend I am, being around you all the time and not knowing anything.”
“…”
“I’m sorry. You’ve been through a lot.”
Though it wasn’t really something Mo Eunje should apologize for, the moment Tae Igyeol heard the words “you’ve been through a lot,” he felt something hot rising in his throat. It truly had been a difficult time, unable to show his feelings of affection yet unable to stop liking him either.
But his one-sided love wasn’t just difficult and painful. Sometimes, he was happy just being by his side, and though it might have been insufficient, he felt satisfaction in being the closest person to him, even if only as a friend, and he was grateful for their casual physical contact.
Actually, that’s what made his one-sided love even more difficult and painful. He felt powerless, being so close yet unable to do anything, had to pretend to be just a friend to remain the closest person, and though the casual skinship excited him constantly, suppressing his desires was painful.
“Wow… Not Ban Hajun, but how could Tae Igyeol…?”
“Hey, what do you mean?”
“You just seem, well… you know.”
“Look at this guy? He’s so calmly throwing me under the bus.”
While Gye Minho and Ban Hajun engaged in pointless, wasteful conversation, Tae Igyeol continued to maintain eye contact with Mo Eunje. He felt anxious because he couldn’t read the emotions in those pitch-black eyes. He felt sorry seeing Mo Eunje was clearly holding back many questions, suppressing them. His fear was still too great to clearly answer any of Mo Eunje’s questions.
“Is Mo Eunje the only one left now?”
Ban Hajun lightened the heavy atmosphere with a casual tone. Without further questioning, Mo Eunje’s gaze shifted away. The timing was perfect. If he had maintained eye contact with Mo Eunje just a little longer, he might have unconsciously blurted out that the man he liked was him.
Come to think of it, though Ban Hajun might be casual about relationships, he wasn’t a shallow person. They always teased Mo Eunje about meddling in everything, but Ban Hajun also had a lot of compassion and often created situations. Even now, he must have seen how suffocating Tae Igyeol’s one-sided love was, so he laid the groundwork by first revealing that he was bisexual.
There was no need to go that far, but Tae Igyeol didn’t want to ignore the opportunity that had been provided. However, he wasn’t sure if revealing his sexual orientation would be an opportunity or a crisis. He knew clearly that with the right timing it could be an opportunity, but with the wrong timing, it could become a crisis, so he needed to stay especially alert.
“I think nothing can surprise me anymore after hearing any secret. Tae Igyeol was too much. My goodness…”
Gye Minho mumbled in disbelief with his hand over his mouth. “How could Tae Igyeol… Does this make any sense?” No one was listening to his continued rambling.
No matter how close friends are, they can never completely know everything about each other. It’s overwhelming just to know what’s shown, and often, people don’t even properly understand what is shown. That’s why Tae Igyeol was scared. Even if he expressed and showed his feelings with all his heart and might, Mo Eunje probably wouldn’t even suspect that he was the object of his affection. No, actually, the word “show” is misleading since he’d been anxious about Mo Eunje finding out all this time.
“I’d like to meet expectations, but I don’t really have any secrets to tell.”
Mo Eunje, who had downed the somaek that Ban Hajun had just mixed, scratched his chin with an awkward expression. Tae Igyeol had noticed from the beginning that he didn’t want to have this kind of conversation. It was a natural reaction, given that Mo Eunje was the type who believed serious and profound conversations should be had in a sober and rational state. He might even think it was pathetic that Tae Igyeol revealed his sexual orientation while drunk.
No, Tae Igyeol had heard Mo Eunje say countless times after creating embarrassing moments while drunk that he would never drink again, that if he drank again, he would be worse than an animal. By now, Mo Eunje had become worse than an animal countless times. So he probably wouldn’t consider it pathetic, though he might view it as an impulsive mistake.
“Hey, we all revealed ours, so you can’t do that. After hearing all of ours. Do you always do this?”
“Now that I think about it, that’s true? Next time we do this, let’s make Mo Eunje go first.”
“What? You jerks have no decency? I never agreed to do this, and before I could even stop you, Ban Hajun, you ass, you were the first to spill. Who asked you to? Ah, suddenly I’m craving something spicy. I don’t have a secret, what do you want me to do? Should I make up a lie— Oh? I just remembered. I got hit on.”
Mo Eunje, who had been excited and agitated from the attacks by Ban Hajun and Gye Minho, suddenly muttered with a blank expression as if he’d just had an epiphany. Tae Igyeol couldn’t believe his ears. They were together almost 24 hours a day—when could he possibly have been hit on?
“You traitor! I got exposed, but you got hit on? Can you still call yourself my friend? This isn’t the time to brag; it’s time to share secrets.”
“Don’t get excited. It’s not bragging, it is a secret.”
Tae Igyeol completely agreed with Mo Eunje. He didn’t care whether Gye Minho got rejected or not. The problem was that Mo Eunje said he’d been hit on, but Tae Igyeol hadn’t known anything about it until now. This was clearly a secret. Tae Igyeol’s fist clenched. But thanks to years of practice acting, he could maintain a poker face and speak in an emotionless voice.
“From who.”
“…Well, I got a call from writer Seong Giha.”
“How did he get your number.”
“He said he asked the ‘Book of the Month’ PD? He said he felt really sorry about the live broadcast day and wanted to apologize properly.”
“Is he deaf? Fuck, I clearly warned him to go through the agency.”
An emotional curse escaped Tae Igyeol’s lips. He was angry that this had happened despite even Manager Yoon stepping in and handing over a business card. Moreover, even though they were in the same profession as novelists, they clearly had separate agencies, and he wanted to punch the PD who had so easily given out the contact information.
“Mo Eunje, do you have paranoia? Can you explain how an apology call counts as being hit on?”
Ban Hajun prodded Mo Eunje while signaling with his eyes to Tae Igyeol to calm down. Tae Igyeol wanted to know every detail of the conversation, but then again, he couldn’t predict what he might do if he found out, so it might be better not to know.
“At first, he apologized, saying he had been disrespectful that day, and I kept saying it was fine. But then he suddenly started talking about his preferences and kept asking me out for a drink. He said he was a good person and that I’d see differently if I met him. His pronunciation was already a mess, so I think he was drunk.”
“If he found your number, he should just apologize. Why is he flirting like that, that fucking bastard.”
“Whoa, whoa. No giant outbursts allowed.”
“Are you crazy? Is that what you want to say right now?”
“Why are you making such a fuss when even I, the person involved, am calm about it?”
Mo Eunje let out a hollow laugh and downed his somaek. Once again, Ban Hajun signaled with his eyes to take it easy. It was a bit of an overreaction unless he was planning to confess to Mo Eunje right now. But what could he do about feeling angry?
If anything, it was fortunate that writer Seong Giha had called while drunk. Mo Eunje wouldn’t respond to advances made under the influence of alcohol. If Mo Eunje were the type to fall for such tactics, Tae Igyeol would have drowned himself in alcohol daily and tried hundreds of thousands of times.
Mo Eunje held the principle that words you can’t say sober shouldn’t be said drunk either, so if he had received a sober advance, he might have worried about how to reject it, but since it came from a drunk person, he didn’t even care. That’s why he had forgotten about it and only just now remembered.
“Mo Eunje. Change your number.”
It was frustrating that this was all he could say.
“The agency also told me to change my number first if I felt uncomfortable.”
“Wait, isn’t he that openly gay writer?”
“Yes, that’s right.”
Gye Minho tactlessly brought up a sensitive word in front of someone who had just confessed to liking men. Mo Eunje slightly nodded and briefly met Tae Igyeol’s eyes. Tae Igyeol showed a faint smile that only Mo Eunje could recognize, as if to say it was okay.
He had thought it would hurt to hear the word “gay” from others, but it was more emotionless and calm than expected. All the worries and trials that came with acknowledging and accepting that he was gay had already been suffered through like a fever when he realized he liked Mo Eunje. Now, he even thought that since Mo Eunje was a man, he was simply born gay, so he could receive no impact from the word.
“How do you feel about it?”
“About what?”
“About being hit on by a guy.”
As soon as Ban Hajun asked the question, Tae Igyeol couldn’t help but tense up. Perhaps this was the question he wanted to ask most but couldn’t bring himself to.
