# Chapter 17
“…”
“…”
“…If you called someone over, say something. Don’t just glare at me in frustration.”
Finally, Tae Igyeol spoke first. Mo Eunje was trying to carefully choose his words, considering how to bring up the topic without causing misunderstandings or fights. But strangely, despite his cooling head, a hot anger was rising inside him.
In truth, the fact that Shin Dael was his reader didn’t matter at all. The problem was this feeling—he didn’t even know what to call it—of Tae Igyeol, whom he had considered his closest person at every moment, suddenly feeling unfamiliar and distant.
If he had fought over the same issue with Gye Minho or Ban Hajun, the outcome would have been completely different. So these unidentifiable feelings arose because Tae Igyeol wasn’t just a friend to Mo Eunje, but someone truly special whom he considered family.
“Mo Eunje. Are you dating me?”
Tae Igyeol, who had somehow approached closer, stood in front of Mo Eunje sitting on the sofa and looked down at him with threatening eyes.
“…What?”
“Haah… You said you wanted to talk. What are you trying to do by keeping your mouth shut like that?”
Sighing, he rubbed his face with his large hands and roughly ran them through his hair.
Only then did Mo Eunje realize that this wasn’t something to be so afraid of. Friends could fight, feel hurt, and be wounded—so why was he being so cautious?
Perhaps the trauma remained from that one proper fight they had in high school, after which they didn’t speak for a month. He truly thought he’d lost Tae Igyeol then. It was remarkable that Mo Eunje had hung out with other friends during that time, but Tae Igyeol was truly ruthless, treating Mo Eunje like he was invisible until Mo Eunje came to his house first. Even though it must have been obvious that Mo Eunje was trying to act normal, Tae Igyeol wouldn’t reciprocate.
As if they would never see each other again.
Since then, Mo Eunje tried to let most things slide. That month of living like strangers had been so difficult and painful that he couldn’t even treat his first girlfriend well and ended up breaking up with her vaguely.
So now he didn’t want to create trouble or fight with Tae Igyeol over trivial matters. Since Tae Igyeol had a patient personality, most issues could be resolved with just a bit of sulking, as long as Mo Eunje didn’t flare up.
“If you have something to say, say it straight. Don’t try to be considerate and read the room.”
“Fine, then I won’t be considerate.”
Once his emotions had somewhat settled, his reason returned, and looking into Tae Igyeol’s precarious eyes made his chest feel cold. Looking at it coldly, it wasn’t something to be angry about from the start. As the distance between them shortened and the years spent together lengthened, he became more cautious in dealing with him.
“Sorry.”
“…What’s with the sudden apology? Weren’t you loading bullets to get angry at me?”
When Mo Eunje apologized nonchalantly, like an emotionless robot showing no real remorse, Tae Igyeol’s face showed disbelief, then quickly frowned. Once again running his rough hand through his hair, Tae Igyeol sat down on the floor. Looking up with his light-colored eyes, an unidentifiable anger burned in them.
“That’s right. I loaded bullets, and plenty of them. But for someone as intelligent and cultured as me, it seems a bit much to get angry about something like that.”
“Bullshit. So you were angry.”
“Why are you angry? Judging by your expression, I’m holding a pistol, but you’re holding a machine gun.”
“How could I not be upset? You came there earlier without even contacting me.”
Without needing to check, Mo Eunje understood Tae Igyeol’s feelings. He seemed quite upset about having his date with Shin Dael interrupted. And yet, after getting rid of the interlopers, the two of them had been together until this hour. Hiding his hurt feelings, Mo Eunje placed each of his feet on Tae Igyeol’s thighs as he sat on the floor.
“Yeah. I’m really sorry about that. I wanted to be petty because I was upset.”
Tae Igyeol’s cool palm naturally wrapped around Mo Eunje’s ankle, massaging it as if giving him a massage, spreading a refreshing sensation.
“…I’m also sorry for not telling you that Shin Dael is your fan.”
“Tell me about things like that from now on.”
“Okay.”
“But really, why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because I didn’t want to.”
The confident answer without a hint of hesitation was very like Tae Igyeol, but Mo Eunje couldn’t hide his bitter laugh.
“That’s it?”
“If I don’t want to, what more reason do I need?”
“Hey, the first official celebrity fan of my novelist career, aaack…! My ankle’s going to break, you crazy bastard!”
The moment Tae Igyeol tightened his grip on Mo Eunje’s ankle, a sharp pain instantly shot up to the crown of his head. After kicking wildly to break free, there was a bright red handprint on his white ankle. It felt numb, as if his ankle had been paralyzed.
“I think my ankle’s broken. What should I do?”
“If you want, I can really break it for you.”
He pretended to be cute and whined, only to hear a savage response. Those hands could really snap an ankle and still have strength to spare. Especially since Mo Eunje’s ankles were thinner than those of adult males of similar build, they might break more easily.
“Just say the word. As long as you have your fingers, it won’t affect your writing at all, right?”
“…”
At a loss for words, Mo Eunje slowly brought his legs up onto the sofa, avoiding Tae Igyeol’s crazed gaze. With those gleaming eyes speaking so seriously, it seemed like he might really do it. Mo Eunje sat demurely with his knees up, crossing his ankles and covering them with his hands. Tae Igyeol looked at the hidden ankles as if disappointed, stroking his chin.
“Stop looking at other people’s ankles and go take a shower, you madman!”
Cradling his ankles with one arm, Mo Eunje threw a cushion from the sofa. Tae Igyeol dodged it easily, letting out a low laugh as he turned his back.
In the end, Mo Eunje never asked if he was really dating Shin Dael.
&
When Tae Igyeol finished his shower and came out, Mo Eunje was already properly lying in bed, asleep. Usually, even after crawling into bed and closing his eyes, it took more than an hour for him to fall asleep, so the fact that he’d fallen asleep right away showed how tired he must have been today.
Looking back, of all Mo Eunje’s appearances, Tae Igyeol had seen his sleeping face the most. Because the only time he could look at his beloved’s face without interruption, as much as he wanted, was when Mo Eunje was asleep.
As usual, Tae Igyeol, who had been quietly looking down at him, bent his waist. A shadow fell over the peacefully sleeping face as the distance narrowed, getting closer and closer. At the precarious distance where their lips almost touched, where he could feel Mo Eunje’s breath, all of Tae Igyeol’s movements stopped.
“…”
It was always up to this point.
He had tried whenever the opportunity arose, had attempted countless times, yet despite that, he had never actually touched him. He couldn’t touch him even though he wanted to.
Fearing that Mo Eunje might suddenly open his eyes, knowing that once he tasted the sweetness, he wouldn’t be able to hold back anymore, and feeling that if Mo Eunje ever looked at him with disgust, he would want to die—this was the limit of the courage Tae Igyeol could conscientiously muster.
Having the person he loved lying on his bed but being unable to even properly hold their hand, only able to helplessly look on—there was no greater torture. The time when he could be satisfied with just laughing together, sharing time, and merely looking had long passed. Tae Igyeol was a physically healthy twenty-six-year-old man with accumulated desires.
Would it be okay just this once?
Didn’t he deserve this much compensation?
Since he didn’t dare hope to be a lover, couldn’t he keep just a secret memory for himself?
He thought that years of unrequited love had trained him not to waver in the face of defenseless temptation, but at some point, he kept trying to rationalize in his own favor. As if the capacity of the heart was also limited, emotions that had been continuously accumulating without being able to show or express were now overflowing, unable to pile up anymore.
Tae Igyeol quietly closed his eyes. As if possessed by something, he completely closed the precarious gap. He pressed his lips together and held his breath. A soft, tender warmth instantly overwhelmed him. Every moment stopped.
Just a moment.
Just a moment longer.
Just a tiny moment more.
“…”
The heat that spread from their touching lips instantly spread throughout his entire body. Barely suppressing the urge to part his lips and push his tongue in, he slowly pulled away.
“Haah…”
As his held breath burst out, he felt his heart beating at a crazy pace, causing dizziness. He couldn’t believe that after having withstood all temptations resolutely until now, what madness had possessed him to do such a reckless thing.
“Crazy…”
Tae Igyeol, belatedly realizing the reality, bit his lips. Tense heat pooled in his lower abdomen. Having just come out of the shower, Tae Igyeol went back into the bathroom with his ears and nape burning. His lips felt as if they were on fire. There was no way he could sleep peacefully tonight.
The first kiss he experienced at twenty-six was both tender and wistful.
