# Chapter 16
He went to a corner of the rooftop where there was an ashtray, put a cigarette in his mouth, and pulled the lighter wheel. With a hissing sound, the red ember began to burn the long white stick. Even knowing that Mo Eunje hated the smell of cigarettes, this was one habit he couldn’t quit.
‘I don’t like the smell of cigarettes, but when I see you smoking, it’s kind of sexy, so I wonder if I should try it too…’
For such a casual comment that Mo Eunje had thrown out without much thought, Tae Igyeol still habitually smoked these harmful cigarettes.
“Hoo…”
The acrid scent spread as white smoke dispersed into the air.
The day he had decided to put an end to his unrequited love after properly fighting with Mo Eunje was the first time he’d picked up a cigarette. It was summer when he was eighteen, around the end of the rainy season, and it was the day Mo Eunje got his first girlfriend.
He remembered the fight itself, but having been extremely agitated, he couldn’t recall well how they got to that point. Though not entirely clear, he seemed to have felt his world collapse when Mo Eunje was disappointed that he wasn’t congratulating him about having a girlfriend, and then he’d become heated.
That day, Tae Igyeol realized that his and Mo Eunje’s orientations could never be the same. The faint spark of hope he’d been harboring in his heart until then completely died out. Cruelly, the only qualification Tae Igyeol was permitted was that of a friend—nothing more, nothing less.
For a month, he lived as if he and Mo Eunje were strangers. It felt like the meaning of life had completely disappeared. Frequently, his chest felt tight, breathing became difficult, and he felt like his heart might stop. Before falling asleep, emotions he’d barely managed to suppress throughout the day would burst forth, and tears would pour out. Even when his pillow became damp, he couldn’t stop. Neither the tears, nor his feelings for Mo Eunje.
Giving in to his mother’s nagging, he ate just enough not to die, and he hurt enough to want to die. He lost 8kg in a month. He didn’t know how much longer he had to endure this time before it would be okay. No, he questioned whether there would ever be a time when it would be okay.
Then, a month later, when Mo Eunje came to his house, his dead heart revealed its presence by pounding hard. It was the moment he realized that watching Mo Eunje date was less painful than losing him altogether.
Sitting carelessly on the rooftop floor, he calculated the time difference with Louisiana in his head. With a 14-hour difference, it was morning there. Tae Igyeol called his grandmother. Normally they would video call, but he didn’t have the confidence to force a smile, nor did he want to worry her by showing his haggard face.
“Igyeol-ah. My pretty baby.”
“Grandmother. Have you had breakfast?”
“Of course. I already ate. These days I can’t sleep much, so my eyes open at 5 AM.”
“How’s your health?”
“Good. Today I went for a morning walk in the park with Baby again.”
His American grandmother Ila still used the nickname she’d called his grandfather since they were dating, even after all these years. She said it was because grandfather was six years younger than her, but no matter how much younger, Tae Igyeol’s grandfather was not the type of person who looked like he’d be called “Baby” with his tall height, large build, and big hands and feet.
The year Tae Igyeol turned twenty, his grandmother, missing her hometown too much, went to Louisiana with his grandfather. For his grandfather, who had lived his entire life in Korea, choosing to go to America couldn’t have been easy, but he quickly departed, saying that since his wife had lived with him in Korea since their marriage, he would spend the rest of his life with her in her hometown.
“Has our pretty one eaten?”
“…Yes. I ate.”
“Is Eunje doing well?”
Just hearing his name in his grandmother’s voice made his chest throb.
Since they were very young, both Tae Igyeol and Mo Eunje had been raised mostly by Ila as their parents were busy. The person who prepared snacks after school, who told them to go play outside when they didn’t want to do homework, who took them to the hospital when they got hurt while playing—it was all grandmother Ila.
So Ila wasn’t just a special person to Tae Igyeol, but also like a real grandmother to Mo Eunje. Grandmother also knew all of Mo Eunje’s little habits just as well as Tae Igyeol did.
“Why do you go silent again when I mention the cutie…”
Just as his grandmother’s voice came through again, light seeped through the drawn curtains. Mo Eunje had returned home. It was past midnight.
“Haah…”
Loving him this much, wanting to reach him this much, wanting to have him this much, loving him with all his heart—why was he stuck in the position of a friend, not even allowed to show his feelings?
Until he brought Mo Eunje home, he had deceived himself that he could endure, that it wasn’t so bad to remain just friends, but perhaps because he’d suppressed his feelings for too long, his emotions were overflowing in an instant. He no longer wanted to stay just friends with Mo Eunje.
“Grandmother.”
“Yes, Igyeol-ah.”
The inside of his chest throbbed with a dull ache. He didn’t know why he was becoming so weak and falling apart today of all days. Perhaps it was because he’d heard the voice of his grandmother, who knew everything.
“Is the cutie still making our pretty one suffer?”
“…Yes. Grandmother, I… like Eunje too much.”
As soon as he poured out his true feelings, tears suddenly came streaming down. Grandmother was the only one who had realized Tae Igyeol’s feelings even before he himself did.
&
As he entered the front door after punching in the password, the sensor light turned on. The entire house was quiet and dark. Mo Eunje went around turning on lights everywhere.
Following him, Gye Minho treated him to grilled pork belly for the first round, and then around 10 o’clock, when Ban Hajun said he’d arrived in Seoul, they invaded Ban Hajun’s officetel and ordered spicy chicken feet for the second round.
They had soju together, but it was just a light drink, not enough to get drunk. Though it was clearly just the three of them, Gye Minho kept talking about Tae Igyeol and Shin Dael, making it feel like there were five people together.
And now it was past midnight when he came home, but Tae Igyeol, who had told him not to wait since he’d be late, hadn’t returned yet. Ban Hajun had spammed the group chat after hearing what happened today, but he hadn’t read the messages, and there had been no separate contact from him until now.
Mo Eunje showered with a sunken mood. Even using his favorite body oil didn’t improve his depressed feelings. This was all because Ban Hajun had teased him too much about being abandoned by his housemate. At first, he had laughed along, agreeing moderately, but as he kept going on about being abandoned by Tae Igyeol, Mo Eunje’s mood genuinely soured towards the end.
After roughly removing the moisture from his wet hair with a towel, wearing only purple drawers, he lay down on the sofa. It was already almost 1 AM. He pressed the power button on the remote and accessed the OTT service, continuing the movie he had been watching earlier while lying with his head on Tae Igyeol’s thigh.
The movie, which had been fun when they watched it together, strangely didn’t hold his attention now. Various questions kept floating around in his complicated mind. He had never felt Tae Igyeol to be as strange, unfamiliar, and distant as he did today.
The sound of the door lock keypad being pressed came just as the ending credits of the movie, which he didn’t know when had ended, were rolling. Mo Eunje raised his upper body and leaned back against the sofa with his arms crossed. There was a matter that needed to be addressed anyway. Tae Igyeol appeared, wearing only a cream-colored jeans with a shirt, making Mo Eunje wonder if he had put his trench coat in the clothing care machine.
“You’re still up?”
“Let’s talk.”
Mo Eunje lowered his voice as Tae Igyeol was about to go straight to the bedroom after asking casually. Setting everything else aside, shouldn’t he at least apologize for hiding the fact that Shin Dael was a fan of his novel and wanted his autograph?
“About what.”
Tae Igyeol stopped in his tracks, turned his body, and met his eyes. He didn’t know what he’d been doing until this hour, but unlike when he’d seen him at the cafe earlier, he looked quite tired and gaunt.
“Don’t you have anything to say to me?”
“Not particularly.”
“Wow, seriously, where’s your conscience?”
Mo Eunje was the type who found participating in publishing events bothersome, but the one event he enjoyed enough to attend without fail was meeting readers. He was happy to talk about his writing with them, and grateful to meet readers who read his work thoughtfully. During book signing events, he would even give out bookmarks made at his own expense as return gifts, wanting to give back to his readers, even if just a little.
Having witnessed this entire process, Tae Igyeol should know better than anyone how meaningful readers were to Mo Eunje. How could he do this? Mo Eunje felt betrayed.
“I’m tired enough without you adding to it, so if you have something to say, say it properly. Don’t pick a fight.”
His mind was already tangled and troubled enough, but with Tae Igyeol becoming even more low-pressure and coming on strong, Mo Eunje had no idea where to begin.
Should he ask why Tae Igyeol never mentioned that Shin Dael wanted his autograph on his book?
No, should he ask why Tae Igyeol hid it when he knew how happy Mo Eunje would be to have a reader among their acquaintances?
No, no, should he ask why Tae Igyeol was frowning as if he was the angry one when Mo Eunje was the one who had been kept in the dark?
Though he had many things he wanted to say due to his hurt feelings and sense of betrayal, none of the questions that came to mind felt right. If the rational and logical Tae Igyeol would break the ice first, they could work through things one by one, but standing there crookedly, he seemed truly to have nothing to say, keeping his mouth shut and just throwing an indifferent gaze.
