# Chapter 64
‘Hmm. About ten at most? Sometimes more. Why?’
‘…It’s nothing.’
He’d been told that Suhyun was the only one who had a high matching rate with Jiwon as a Guide. There had been others before, but they eventually found appropriate Guides and made exclusive contracts.
This meant that the Espers who were now coming to Jiwon all had dedicated Guides, so they weren’t in a state where they absolutely needed guiding.
Then why did they bother coming to the center? Weren’t they all like him? Weren’t they coming to the center because they wanted to rely on Jiwon’s kindness, just like him?
‘Is something wrong? You don’t look good.’
‘Nothing… it’s nothing.’
But the Esper he’d encountered earlier had been happy to see him. If they had the same goal, shouldn’t they feel unpleasant when meeting other Espers, like he did? To the point where they couldn’t manage their expression.
‘So you’re still getting guiding at the center? That must be inconvenient.’
‘No, it’s not.’
‘Well, I guess it’s worth the trouble. Guide Jiwon is S-class, so his guiding is really good. I have my own dedicated Guide, but his guiding skills are so exceptional that I sometimes want to go to the center to get guiding from Guide Jiwon.’
An Esper he met in a dungeon smiled lightly while talking about Jiwon. He didn’t seem to have any thoughts about other Espers receiving guiding from Jiwon.
It was Suhyun who felt down instead. Thinking about it, he probably felt unpleasant back then too.
Why did he feel this way?
Was it because Jiwon was his only Guide and he felt like he might lose him? Because he wanted to continue receiving guiding only from him? Why did he only want to receive guiding from Jiwon? Even to the point of deliberately tangling his wavelength.
‘What are you thinking about?’
‘Pardon?’
‘I think my hand is about to break, right now.’
‘Ah…! I’m sorry.’
‘Haha.’
Having unconsciously gripped Jiwon’s hand tightly, Suhyun felt dismayed as he faced Jiwon’s smiling expression.
It was because he realized that he wanted to monopolize not just the Guide, but the person named Moon Jiwon.
Since when had it been like this?
Suhyun couldn’t gauge when it started, nor did he know how to make these feelings disappear.
Rather, he found himself wanting more with each passing day. He wished Jiwon wouldn’t guide other Espers. He wished they wouldn’t have to meet in the first place.
He wanted to be the only one to feel Jiwon’s warmth. He didn’t want to share it with anyone.
‘Good work. Take care on your way back.’
Suhyun lost the warmth he felt from Jiwon before he could properly define his feelings.
‘…How annoying.’
For what someone else might laugh off as a trivial reason, Suhyun could no longer feel the warmth in Jiwon’s smiling face and touch.
It was when he directly witnessed the moment when the face that had been smiling at an Esper who had finished guiding froze coldly.
‘You, your expression hardened earlier. Are you not going to do it properly?’
‘It’s because you suddenly clung to me. Just do what we agreed on.’
It was because at that moment, Jiwon overlapped with his parents who didn’t even talk to each other while pretending to be a proper family outside, pretending to love each other.
It was a time when the feeling of liberation from the end of the play hadn’t even faded. The suffocation he had felt throughout his upbringing rose up again.
The problem didn’t end there.
‘Are you feeling alright?’
‘……’
‘You’re especially quiet today. Are you sick?’
‘No.’
Just as his family had deceived everyone, a suspicion bloomed that Jiwon might also be deceiving him.
Fear arose at the thought that Jiwon’s actions, tone, and expressions that he had felt were warm might all be well-crafted, not sincere.
‘Our son is our treasure. How could we not love him?’
To others, Suhyun would have appeared as the being his parents cherished the most. But Suhyun was no different from a decorative item.
Then what was Suhyun to Jiwon?
‘I just don’t want to see Guide Jiwon-nim often. I haven’t heard any rumors.’
He didn’t want to know. Whatever it was, it would be different from his own feelings.
Suhyun prepared to run away from him faster than anyone. It was painful to be reminded of his parents, who showed fake smiles toward him, every time he saw Jiwon.
‘Because I don’t like it.’
He knows it was a somewhat harsh statement. He felt uncomfortable at the thought that he might have hurt Jiwon for a trivial reason.
When he eventually set foot in the center, pretending to give in to the Association’s persuasion that he should at least receive guiding, Suhyun pondered for a long time how he should treat Jiwon.
What if it had been a wrong assumption? What if Jiwon looked at him with hurt eyes? How should he apologize?
Until he opened the door to the center, Suhyun was dizzy in the whirlpool of concerns.
‘You’re here?’
‘……’
‘Sit down, we need to do guiding.’
But when he actually faced Jiwon, Suhyun realized that all his worries had been useless.
Nothing had changed about him. Jiwon smiled as if nothing had happened. It was the same smile Suhyun had always seen.
But Suhyun no longer felt that smile was warm. Rather, he disliked it because he knew it was a fabricated smile. So he wanted to break that well-crafted expression.
He couldn’t help but notice that he was becoming more angular and twisted as time passed. But Suhyun couldn’t change his attitude. He wanted Jiwon to crumple his face and get angry.
Maybe he thought that would be a more special treatment. While keeping him at a distance, he still wanted to be a special person to him.
Because he had come to like Jiwon from a moment he couldn’t even pinpoint. He wanted to be special to him in that way, at least. Even while knowing that what he liked was just Jiwon’s mask.
At that time, Suhyun believed that if they continued like this, his feelings would soon fade. Now that he knew Jiwon wasn’t a sincere person, his affection would quickly disappear.
“So don’t even think about it.”
But that was arrogance.
“It’s lonely.”
Suhyun’s feelings were still intact. Rather, they were becoming more solid with each passing day.
His feelings, which hardly disappeared even before making an exclusive contract, were instead running wild after Jiwon became his dedicated Guide.
Despite the years Suhyun had spent turning away from Jiwon, disparaging him as someone who showed false smiles to deceive others and should never be trusted, Suhyun still liked him.
“Esper Suhyun-nim.”
How could he dismiss and turn away from Jiwon’s face, filled with worry and anxiety for him, as fake?
“Don’t think anymore.”
Suhyun slowly closed and opened his eyes.
He had just run away out of preemptive fear. Jiwon had never shown him a false smile from the beginning. Only now, after being cruel for so long, Suhyun had to admit that fact.
“Don’t worry about anything.”
It took too long to face him properly.
Only after facing the uncertain reality that he might not be able to protect Jiwon right now, that he might actually kill him this time.
“If you keep your mouth shut, I’m really going to get angry.”
His feelings had swollen beyond the point of no return. Suhyun wanted to protect Jiwon more than anyone.
So he wanted to push Jiwon away and handle this matter alone. And he wanted to send Jiwon back to his comfortable workplace where he originally belonged.
To do that, he should have firmly shaken his head. Unfortunately, Suhyun couldn’t do that. Unnecessary arrogance that he wanted to keep Jiwon by his side and protect him, that he thought he could do it, was shaking him.
Arrogance breeds anger. He shouldn’t have been confident that he could protect Jiwon.
“…You have no fear.”
But Suhyun couldn’t abandon his greed. While he had been so good at cutting Jiwon off with words about not wanting to be together all this time, he couldn’t do it when it actually mattered.
It’s a terrible desire. Even while thinking that he could kill Jiwon…
“It’s because I’m so scared that I want to stay with you.”
“…Haah.”
Suhyun let out a long sigh. The wavering eyes under slightly curving eyelids, full of anxiety, tormented Suhyun.
No one knows which choice is right. But Suhyun had no choice but to comply with Jiwon’s wishes, who was anxious that Suhyun might shake his head.
“Do as you please.”
“That means you won’t go alone, right?”
“……”
“Answer me clearly. You won’t go alone, right?”
“…Yes.”
At the firm answer given in a small voice, Jiwon smiled brightly.
He hadn’t changed at all from the beginning. His smile was still like sunshine, always warm. That warmth took his breath away and made his heart ache.
Now Suhyun couldn’t even make the slightest effort to shake off his feelings. The aged emotion had already firmly taken its place.
“Good.”
“……”
“I’ll definitely protect you.”
At the sweet voice, Suhyun lowered his head.
How could one not like such a person?
Suhyun liked Jiwon so much. He was a perfect and amazing person, to the point where his past self, who had dared to think Jiwon was similar to his parents, seemed horrible.
“That should be my line.”
As if there had been no choice from the beginning, Suhyun declared. Because he would never let him die.
“Make sure you keep that promise.”
Jiwon’s voice trembled slightly. He was still smiling brightly.
