Clean and fluffy bedding. Hot and delicious food. High-quality and neat clothes.
For some people, these were things they should naturally enjoy, but in my childhood, they were no different from a picture of rice cakes. Young children are supposed to be within the protective fence of reliable guardians, but I wasn’t, because that wasn’t my case.
I don’t know my father’s side, who gave me my handsome face, and my mother’s side didn’t try to take responsibility for me. She too lived by prostituting herself in the back alleys, so it must have been hard enough for her to take care of her own life. Thinking about it now, she might not have had any choices to pick from either.
At the very beginning, I cried waiting for someone.
But crying only makes sense when there’s care that follows afterward. If I had been stupid instead, I might not have remembered all of this. But my innate intelligence had good memory, and I remembered all those situations vividly.
Violence that came because my crying was noisy. Neglect.
The prostitutes pitied the crying child while also finding him annoying. They too had hard lives, so the crying must have been irritating. But if it was a smiling child, they pitied and adored him. It was similar to adoring a pretty doll.
That’s why I smiled.
Then, when I found out that my mother was scheming to make me work in the same profession as her, I ran away just like that.
No matter how poor you are, there are grades to misery. Prostitution was the worst among them. Since your body is the tool for making a living, it’s bound to be hard, and you’re selling that body to others. That the end would be bitter and painful was a predetermined sequence.
In that case, it was better to smear mud on my face and go begging. Choosing the lesser evil to avoid the worst. That was the choice I made as a child.
But the lesser evil choice was equally difficult except for not having to sell my body. No, in some ways it was even worse. I had no comfortable place to sleep, and the money I earned from begging wasn’t enough to buy food. My appearance gradually became more and more shabby.
“That organization took children again…”
Young beggars like me used to gather in one place and live together. Since there’s no adult care, the young ones band together. Banding together had a higher survival rate than wandering alone. The young beggars huddled together and whispered. It was a story about the gang organization that ruled this area.
“They cut off limbs and make them beg… A kid I separated from before was dragged away, and when I saw him later, one part of him wasn’t intact.”
“Are we going to get caught too?”
Seeing the children terrified, my heart also grew uneasy. If they cut off perfectly fine limbs to beg… it would be easy to gain sympathy. But in the end, the organization would extort that income too. It was a dilemma.
If the poorhouse were empty, I would try to squeeze in there, but poorhouses in every city were packed full, so there was nowhere to escape.
Putting my worries aside, I started begging again. Since security guards would come and chase us away if we were on the main street, the place we positioned ourselves was at the entrance to a secluded alley.
“Sir, please show mercy. I’m so hungry that my mouth is full of spider webs!”
I shouted the familiar phrase and looked at the passersby with a tearful face. The eyes that looked at me were tangled with various emotions. Sympathy. Contempt. Indifference. Seeing that, a sense of helplessness suddenly surged up.
Why do I have to live like this?
It wasn’t like I asked to be born. I didn’t beg to be brought into existence, yet they made me live in this shitty world. It was too unfair to end my life. What did I do wrong that I should die?
I hated being born into this world.
If only I were given a proper environment, then… I was confident I could live better than anyone else, better than those bastards dressed in neat clothes…
“You.”
Before me like that, a woman stood. Her well-maintained shoes had shiny leather toes. In contrast to my feet full of dirt and scratches, they seemed like proof of a peaceful life, and my heart was stained with jealousy.
When I looked up, a woman with an interested expression was looking down at me. I hid my true feelings and smiled pitifully at her, starting to beg.
“Sir, please show mercy with just one coin. This poor beggar has starved all day today…”
My gaunt appearance was perfect for arousing sympathy. But the woman stared at me and asked with an amused smile.
“No matter how pitifully you smile, if your eyes are full of venom, you’ll be lucky not to get beaten, let alone get money. Kid.”
“…”
Ah… The type who lectures smugly was the kind I hated most. Those bastards seemed to be drunk on their own superiority and felt some kind of mission to give enlightenment to others. Even though for a starving beggar like me, a piece of moldy bread was more urgent. This person must be that type too.
But contrary to my expectations, the woman extended her hand to me. Unlike her neat appearance, her hand was full of scars, as if she had suffered quite a bit.
“Won’t you come with me?”
“I’m grateful for your grace, sir, but people should be where they belong, shouldn’t they?”
I prostrated myself flat on the ground and pleaded with the woman. To some people, that hand might look like a lifeline to escape from a predicament, but I knew.
Among the ropes extended to orphans, there are no decent ones. Even if there were, the chances of that fortune coming to me were slim. By the time you realize you’ve grabbed a rotten rope without thinking, it’s already too late.
“Are you barely 4 years old? No, 5?”
Five years old. Since my growth was stunted due to poor eating, I was surprised that the woman guessed my age almost exactly. Unless you’ve seen many young children quite often, such assessment is usually impossible. The alarm bells in my heart began to ring louder.
Regardless of what I was thinking inside, the woman continued speaking.
“For such a young brat to have venomous eyes, and the way you speak shows promise for someone who hasn’t learned properly.”
I could feel a sharp gaze landing on the top of my head. She was coldly evaluating me. Receiving that gaze, cold sweat trickled down my back.
If that woman said she’d take me, could I, a powerless beggar, refuse? While I was wondering whether I should run away immediately, the woman swiftly snatched my waist.
“No, what is this…!”
“If I try to persuade with words, kids run away. You were thinking of doing that too, right?”
I struggled hard, but with arms and legs as thin as twigs, I couldn’t escape from her. Struggling with all my might while caught was the maximum resistance I could do. The woman said with a voice tinged with laughter.
“I’m not going to eat you, not going to sell you anywhere, and not going to cut anything off. If you come with me, you can study, have a place to sleep, and won’t go hungry.”
“Let go, please let me go, sir!”
Even in this situation, having to maintain courtesy toward the woman was shitty. If she got offended and swung her fist, I would be the only one at a loss.
“Once you’ve learned everything properly, I’ll arrange a job for you too. It’s nothing suspicious, so you don’t need to worry.”
Hearing those words didn’t make my anxiety disappear. But I couldn’t escape from the woman’s grasp. Like that, I was dragged to the guild as if being captured.
My intention to run away without looking back once I arrived somewhere softened. Because that place was full of children of various ages and genders. Those being exploited can better recognize others being exploited the same way. All the children at the place I arrived at looked happy.
Happiness. It was far from me. An ideal I could never reach. Something I couldn’t even imagine because I’d never obtained it. In the end, I gave up my intention to run away and decided to assess this place a bit more.
One day, two days, three days, four days. Time passed, and I made a kind of nest for myself in the dormitory.
I should leave today, but the soft bread was too delicious. I must definitely leave today, I’d think, but the fluffy bedding that didn’t smell of mold was too good. I really must leave today for sure, but the dormitory room that wasn’t too cold or hot, that wasn’t exposed to anyone’s violence—all of this held me back.
The day I finally gave up on leaving. My name was registered in the information guild Arbor. Having become an insider from an outsider who might leave at any time, only then could I learn the identity of the woman who had brought me.
Rose Mitori. She was my benefactor.
“When will Rose-nim return?”
I wanted to thank my benefactor who saved me. Even beasts know gratitude, and I wasn’t even a beast but a human. The guild member spoke to me with a kind smile as if soothing a child, responding to my question. Thinking about it now, since I was a young child, they must have spoken nicely to me.
“The guild master is busy, so she’s not here right now.”
“Then when… will she come?”
“Who knows? If you study obediently and well, she might come and praise you.”
Those words were just like an excuse given to a young child. False hope like “your parents will return after a few nights.” But young me, who was feeling light and hope for the first time, was blinded. I clung to the guild member’s words and pushed myself harder.
“Student Carl is really amazing. Is it true you learned this for the first time today?”
And my talent shone. The talent that hadn’t been revealed through brothel and street life was more excellent than I thought. It wasn’t strange that I was seized with jealousy watching passersby. Since I was born a gem, how unfair it must have been subconsciously?
Thinking that way, pride naturally bloomed, and making efforts wasn’t difficult.
