Chapter 7
A few days after Woosang’s performance ended, he suddenly had more free time, and messages from him started coming in every day. I replied to each one, and whenever he asked to meet, I went to the place we’d agreed on. But I couldn’t shake the strange discomfort that lingered inside me. It wasn’t resentment toward Woosang—it was directed at myself.
Ever since I started meeting Woosang, he appeared in my dreams every night. In those dreams, he approached me with a strange smile, and I couldn’t escape the unfamiliar sensations that followed. Whenever I dreamed of him, he stayed on my mind for days, and that fact tormented me.
I had always been indifferent to matters of affection compared to others. At the pub, I’d often seen men sitting beside me, exchanging crude jokes about sex. But I never understood their conversations, nor why I had to listen to them. What could possibly be created from mere physical contact? I had always thought it was a question I would never understand. Love, pain, emotion—all of it was difficult. So I stopped thinking about it. It was a realm I couldn’t touch.
But now, a 30-year-old man dreaming about another man—what did that mean? Was it because I was gay that I had never felt anything for the opposite sex? The recurring dreams made me wonder if Woosang was actually sneaking into my house. I had even stayed up all night waiting for him, but of course, he never appeared. When those nights passed, I would just stare at the wall, lost in my own imagination.
“Damn it.”
I hated that I had reached the point of cursing like the French, with their low-class slang. I supposed people used words like that in moments like this. Suddenly, I understood.
With a dazed mind, I quickly ate breakfast and checked my emails. A message popped up:
“What are you doing?”
As expected, it was from Woosang. Ever since he found out I was taking time off work, he had been reaching out whenever he had free time. Woosang was usually busy with overseas trips or rehearsals for performances coming up in Paris, but he had said he wouldn’t be auditioning for anything new until this fall. Because of that, we had been meeting up almost every day, wandering around the city.
Woosang didn’t have that many friends. He had many colleagues from performances and people who cared about him, but he didn’t seem to invest much interest in them. I wondered why, and it occurred to me that it might be because they were all in the same industry. Woosang didn’t want to stir up rumors, so he wasn’t the type to reach out to others first. Yet here he was, contacting me almost every day. It made me delude myself into thinking I might be someone special to him.
“I’m just sitting on the sofa.”
I closed the email I had been checking and replied from the sofa. That was it. The biggest problem in this relationship was me. I had bizarre dreams, told myself I shouldn’t see him anymore, yet when he messaged me, I eagerly replied. It was pathetic.
“Want to have dinner together tonight? I found a good restaurant.”
I quickly read his sharp reply. Lately, Woosang had developed a habit of asking around for good restaurants, and he seemed to enjoy taking me to them. I had never been particular about food, but after eating delicious meals at the places he took me, I started to understand what was good and what wasn’t.
“Sure. Where is it?”
“In the 7th arrondissement.”
The 7th arrondissement—where I lived. I happily agreed and said I’d see him in the evening.
Lying on the sofa, staring at the ceiling, I wondered what I should wear today. Before meeting Woosang, I had never given much thought to clothes or food. But ever since I met him, I had started to take an interest in those things. In particular, I had never really explored Paris, even after moving here.
Not long ago, Woosang had casually asked me about the city.
“What do you think about eating near Île Saint-Louis next time?”
I had replied, “Where is that?”
My blank expression had shocked him. After a few months of wandering around with Woosang, I now knew where Île Saint-Louis was and which museums were near my place.
I lay there for a while, lost in thoughts about Woosang, when I suddenly remembered I had forgotten to reply to a work email. I quickly sent a response. I would likely have to go on a business trip to Spain soon. In the past, I would have thought it was better to throw myself into work than to sit around bored at home. But lately, I had grown quite cynical about work.
The person who had raised me since I was young had passed away a few years ago. Before dying, they left me their inheritance and told me to quit my job soon. I couldn’t understand why. Ever since I was young, they had told me that a man who didn’t work was useless, and since I was born useless, I had to do at least this kind of work. I had obeyed them. I never did what I was told not to do. If they said not to eat, I starved. If they said to kill, I killed. I was an obedient dog.
And now, the very person who had told me to live like this was telling me to quit. I couldn’t remember the way they used to look at me. What kind of expression did they have? I tried to erase them from my mind. But lately, I had started to understand, even if just a little, why they had said that. There were more interesting things in the world than I had known.
I used to think beauty and warmth were just fictions made up in books, but being with Woosang made me realize that the world had things just like the ones in stories. The “happiness” described in books was even more pleasant than I had imagined.
I opened a photo I had taken with Woosang recently. Well, it wasn’t exactly with him—it was a picture of us walking together, taken by his friend, Bel. After staring at it for a moment, I rubbed my numb chest and made plans for my upcoming trip.
***
“What are you looking at?”
“Teo, hello.”
I greeted Woosang, who was standing on the street, and he lightly hugged me in return. I hugged him back and looked at him.
Not long after we met, Woosang had tried to greet me with a hug instead of words. I had flinched, and he had asked if I disliked it.
“I thought this was normal because I greet all my friends like this. Sorry.”
“No, it’s not that… I’ve just never greeted anyone like this before.”
“Then should we greet each other like this from now on?”
“Y-Yes…? Yes.”
I had known that some people greeted each other with hugs on the street, but I had never thought it was standard. I learned something new and seriously wondered if it was true. But since Woosang said so, it probably wasn’t a lie. And so, we began greeting each other with hugs whenever we met or parted.
“I was reading a pamphlet about your next performance.”
“Didn’t you say you were taking a break for a while?”
“Auditions for performances often happen half a year or a year in advance, so I need to start looking now.”
I see.
I mumbled and walked slowly beside Woosang. Recently, after his performance ended, I had gone to see a show featuring Woosang and Bel. Bel had a packed schedule this year, so she seemed to be working nonstop. Woosang used to work year-round like Bel, but this year, he said he wanted to take it slow and was resting. Judging by that, after this fall, he might end up as busy as Bel, barely having time to eat.
So for now, I had no intention of avoiding him. Our time together was limited to this fall. After that, I would move to another city and wrap up my identity here. The reward for all the work I had done so far was having spent enough time with Woosang. These two seasons with him would likely be something I’d remember for the rest of my life.
“Teo.”
“…Yes?”
“What are you thinking about?”
Woosang smiled slightly as I stared blankly at him. Looking at the audition pamphlet, I saw it was in another language. Curious, I asked,
“What language is that?”
“German. The next audition is in Berlin.”
“You speak German too?”
“Yes. Before I worked in Paris, I was in Berlin. There’s a lot of good work there too.”
Woosang was incredibly ambitious when it came to work. He said knowing languages made it easier to land jobs, so he had learned all kinds of them. It was an effort I couldn’t even imagine. Watching him, I finally understood what he had meant by “filthy rumors.” Woosang loved dancing and seemed to want to do it for the rest of his life. So he would never want to tarnish his career with scandals.
Seeing him, usually so detached from the world, so focused on something made my heart feel strangely empty. I would never be part of this person’s life. And I didn’t want to have any influence on it. One day, when he looked back on his life in Paris, I hoped he would remember me as:
“There was this guy. His name was so common I don’t even remember it.”
That would be enough. I would never forget Woosang, but to him, I would be easily forgotten. Even thinking that didn’t make me particularly sad. He was the man who appeared in my dreams every night, smiling at me. He was the one who showed me that happiness wasn’t just something in books—it existed in reality.
But because of that, it all felt even more unreal. If I had known this would happen, maybe I should have entered the country under a more unusual name. That thought briefly crossed my mind.
“Teo, hurry up.”
I stood still, looking at the extraordinary person in front of me. I wished he would call my name more often.
