Chapter 37
“Why are you here…?”
Even though I knew this was just a fragment of a memory—one I couldn’t hear or truly perceive—I still stumbled over my words. Kim Guhyeon walked slowly toward me before dissolving into smoke. I stared blankly at the spot where he had vanished.
Now, I was alone again in the Gate. As if nothing had happened, only pebbles remained where Kim Guhyeon had stood. I racked my brain, trying to make sense of what I had just witnessed.
“It’s an order.”
He hadn’t specified who gave the order, but he had called it an order. That meant Kim Guhyeon hadn’t killed “Team Leader Kim” of his own free will. Whose order could it have been? An answer I didn’t want to face kept surfacing in my mind. The mention of “Team Leader Yu” and his “second son.” After working with my father for over a decade—even if only on paper—who else could Kim Guhyeon be referring to as “Team Leader Yu” but my father? I squeezed my eyes shut.
What on earth had my father been involved in? If the system was digging through my memories like this, forcing me to relive them, then this memory must be connected to “Yu Chanhee” in some way.
“Chanhee.”
I jolted and quickly looked up. Someone had called my name in a place where no one should have been.
“Yu Hyunjae?”
I blinked slowly. Yu Hyunjae stood in front of me, panting, with his hands on his knees.
“What the…?”
He smirked slightly.
“What? Why are you here?”
“I followed you.”
“You followed me?”
“Yeah. I followed you.”
“You followed me into the Gate?”
Yu Hyunjae didn’t answer. Instead, he just smiled softly and gave a different reply.
“I followed your memory.”
“My memory?”
What did he mean by following my memory? Could Yu Hyunjae also be part of the system’s recalled memories? But unlike Kim Guhyeon, this Yu Hyunjae was actually talking to me, even looking at me and smiling.
“Chanhee, how old are you now?”
His sudden question about my age made me frown.
“Why are you asking that all of a sudden?”
“Because I need to know how far I’ve come.”
“What does that even—”
“Seventeen? Eighteen?”
Yu Hyunjae’s gentle urging left me no choice but to mutter a reply.
“Seventeen…”
“Ah, as I thought.”
He had expected as much. Yu Hyunjae smiled, his slightly drooping eyelids crinkling. Looking closely, he seemed taller and older than the current Yu Hyunjae. Would he look like this when he became a college student? I entertained the silly thought as I studied this “memory-following” Yu Hyunjae.
“I knew you’d be young, but I didn’t expect you to be this young… It’s a shock.”
“How old are you?”
“How old do you think I am?”
“How should I know?”
“Same as always. Seventeen-year-old Chanhee.”
His smile seemed more mature than it did now. I felt a little embarrassed for snapping at him earlier.
“Want to walk a bit?”
I didn’t refuse. We started walking side by side across the endless wasteland. Yu Hyunjae matched his pace to mine without saying a word. Unable to bear the silence, I spoke first.
“Did you come from the future?”
“Hmm.”
Yu Hyunjae pondered, as if choosing his words carefully. After a moment, he answered concisely.
“No.”
“What?”
“I didn’t come from the future.”
“But you look way older than the Yu Hyunjae I know.”
“I’m not that much older.”
“Then how old are you?”
Yu Hyunjae sealed his lips again before answering nonchalantly.
“Does age really matter?”
“Forget it.”
I gave up. Yu Hyunjae chuckled at my reaction.
“I’m glad you look like the Chanhee I know.”
“What do you mean by ‘the Chanhee you know’?”
“Chanhee is Chanhee. No one else—just Yu Chanhee.”
“Then you’re wrong.”
I said flatly.
“I’m not the real Chanhee.”
After muttering those words to myself across several lifetimes, I finally spoke them aloud. I had always felt guilty toward Yu Hyunjae for not being the “real” Yu Chanhee, for being something else that had taken over this body. Yu Hyunjae listened to me without responding, then hummed and crossed his arms.
“I don’t think so.”
“What do you know?”
I snapped at him, my frustration flaring.
“At least I know you’re Chanhee.”
“That’s exactly why I’m not the real Yu Chanhee.”
“Then what are you?”
Yu Hyunjae’s sudden question left me speechless.
“If you’re not Chanhee, then what are you?”
I thought hard for an answer. If I wasn’t Yu Chanhee, then what was I? What had I originally been? I couldn’t remember. Maybe I had forgotten after enduring so many lives, or maybe it was the system’s doing. Since I couldn’t answer, Yu Hyunjae smiled and said,
“See? You are Chanhee.”
“I’m not.”
“You can’t drink Americano, right?”
The question came out of nowhere. I nodded absentmindedly.
“You won’t be able to drink it even when you’re older.”
“What?”
“You can’t even pet cats, can you?”
“I can pet them.”
“But you’re scared of them.”
“How do you know that?”
“Because you’re Chanhee. You’ll always sit in the back row at the movies. You’ll always find a matching bookmark when you read. And you’ll always need two pillows when you sleep.”
“Hey, hey—”
“Am I right?”
I stared blankly at Yu Hyunjae, who was reciting my habits as if he knew me inside out.
“How do you know all that?”
Those weren’t Yu Chanhee’s habits—they were mine. Habits that only I, not even the people of this world, including Yu Hyunjae, should have known.
“Do you still think you’re not Chanhee?”
Yu Hyunjae smiled gently, as if trying to reassure my confused self.
“Then—”
I reached for the hem of his clothes. Surprisingly, my hand passed right through, as if he weren’t there at all.
“Are we… dating in that memory? Are we happy?”
Yu Hyunjae blinked.
“That’s… not important.”
“It is important. To me.”
“Why is it important if I’m not your future?”
“If you’re not my future, then what are you?”
“I’m a memory.”
I looked down at my empty hand. No matter where I reached—his clothes, his shoulder, his face—nothing was there. A memory? Then why was a memory that didn’t exist appearing to me? And why did it look like an older version of Yu Hyunjae? I was even more confused than when I had seen Kim Guhyeon. I didn’t know what to believe anymore.
“How can I have a memory I don’t even—”
“Can people remember everything?”
Yu Hyunjae asked me. I shook my head. Whether intentionally or not, every time I returned after dying, Yu Hyunjae never remembered anything. I had begged the void for him to remember, but memories didn’t return so easily.
“Can you really say you remember everything?”
My legs gave out, and I crumpled to the ground. Yu Hyunjae, still gentle, knelt on one knee to meet my gaze.
“You need to think carefully, Chanhee.”
His hands rested on my cheeks. I felt no sensation, yet somehow, it felt warm.
“You need to remember. You need to.”
I closed my eyes tightly and bowed my head. Yu Hyunjae added softly, his voice tinged with sorrow.
“I’m sorry. For burdening you with this.”
A smile tugged at my lips despite the gravity of the moment.
“You always say you’re sorry.”
For a long time, I stayed hunched over, doing nothing. Fortunately, the Yu Hyunjae from the memory waited patiently. After about ten minutes, a slightly hoarse but gentle voice called me back to my feet.
“Chanhee.”
I lifted my head at his call. Yu Hyunjae was fading away. The memory was ending.
“Just as the current future outside the Gate can’t become me—”
Yu Hyunjae looked down at his disappearing hand, his face weary yet resigned, as if he had known this would happen.
“The Chanhee I’m trying to protect now doesn’t have to become your future.”
“……”
“I’ll protect my Chanhee, so you protect your present.”
Yu Hyunjae was now half-dissolved. I watched him silently, unable to add anything more. It was an oddly sad and surreal moment.
“I understand.”
At my reply, Yu Hyunjae smiled brightly. It was like a warm spring breeze blowing miraculously over the wasteland. As I watched the last fragment of him vanish, I heard a strange noise behind me. Turning around, I saw a finger-sized hole forming in the sky.
The black hole swirled, growing larger. I took a step back and watched as the sky tore open, revealing a blurred landscape beyond. The Gate’s exit had formed.
“Chanhee!”
The first face I saw after crawling out of the exit was Yu Hyunjae’s. I stared at the seventeen-year-old Yu Hyunjae. His face was the same yet undeniably different from the twenty-something version I had just seen. Medical personnel quickly checked my condition and asked about my health. Among the crowd, I spotted my father, my mother, and even Cha Suhyun. Cha Suhyun looked uneasy. I ignored them all and lay down obediently on the cot.
For now, I needed time to think.
