“Why…?”
At the same time as Lee Hyeonseok’s answer, I felt like I was being dragged back to reality. Only after hearing his answer did emotions finally begin to fill me. I asked him with an absurd expression that I couldn’t erase, not understanding at all. My voice was so weak, as if my soul had left, that it seemed like it would scatter into the air at any moment.
“What do you mean?”
“Why… No, why the hell didn’t you tell me?”
“Do I have some obligation to tell you?”
No. Well, I don’t. My words were blocked shut. It was blocked because it was absurd. I absolutely couldn’t properly get my head together, but Lee Hyeonseok seemed completely fine. He was perfectly normal.
Seeing him so normal made me wonder if he was a psychopath. Even though he knew the fact that I couldn’t take the test, even though he could have told me that fact, I couldn’t catch even a glimpse of something like guilt. Right. As he said, he had no obligation to tell me, so he might not feel guilty either. But if he were human, shouldn’t there be at least a trace of regret for a College Scholastic Ability Test student who couldn’t take the test?
However, all I could see in Lee Hyeonseok was only suspicion. He looked at me as if I were a strange person.
I was curious about Lee Hyeonseok, but what could Lee Hyeonseok be curious about regarding me? Ah. Was he curious when I’d stab him in the back? It must be strange to him that I’m not stabbing him in the back right now.
I was genuinely thinking that way when Lee Hyeonseok fiddled with the area around my eyes. I swatted his hand away with all my strength. Even if Lee Hyeonseok beat me up for it, it was an action I wouldn’t regret.
“Why aren’t you crying?”
“What?”
“Why aren’t you throwing a fit?”
“Are you seriously insane?”
“Looking at you now, you seem pissed off and shocked…”
I had no idea where to start pointing out what was wrong with Lee Hyeonseok’s words. Could he not see my face dyed with shock and astonishment right now, or could he not hear my voice, dejected from absurdity? Lee Hyeonseok treated me like a weirdo for the sole reason that I wasn’t showing tears and wasn’t throwing a fit and lunging at him.
I was sufficiently shocked, not in my right mind, and felt worry and anxiety about my future, as well as having no face to show my parents.
But Lee Hyeonseok, for that one reason that I wasn’t expressing it outwardly enough to satisfy him… Just as he wished, strength naturally entered my fist. Would he be satisfied now if I hit Lee Hyeonseok’s face with this fist?
“See. Even now you just clench your fist once and that’s it. You don’t look like you’re holding back losing your reason.”
Certainly, as Lee Hyeonseok said, I wasn’t holding back violence toward Lee Hyeonseok. I just had such thoughts and impulses, but I was in a state where I could sufficiently control my emotions. But what was so strange about that? There were plenty of people who maintained their reason even when pissed off. And I had many precedents of not being able to hold back and running my mouth at him several times. Only Lee Hyeonseok didn’t know, but my self-esteem was broken and my pride was hurt in its own way. It just didn’t have any effect on me.
“You’re not losing your reason even once.”
“Don’t tell me you didn’t say anything just to watch me lose my reason and lunge at you?”
“Are you good at resigning yourself to things?”
No matter how absurd and dejected I was, Lee Hyeonseok listed things he didn’t understand while observing me from various angles as if facing a problem he didn’t know. I was the one who didn’t understand Lee Hyeonseok’s bastardly behavior. His face looked normal, but his thoughts were not normal.
“Can’t you hear that I’m rebelling after losing my reason right now?”
“I want to see raw emotions.”
“If you’re not in your right mind, go to a hospital, why are you wandering the streets?”
Lee Hyeonseok looked at me as if I were an idiot with a face asking if I was joking right now at my words, then clearly answered what he wanted. I mocked him to my heart’s content as Lee Hyeonseok demanded, but Lee Hyeonseok frowned as if unsatisfied. I was confused whether he had masochistic tendencies or sadistic tendencies, but either way, I didn’t understand his intent in demanding this from me.
I couldn’t even guess why, of all people, he was hoping for this from me. The one facing an unknown problem wasn’t Lee Hyeonseok but me.
“Anyway, yeah. This won’t do, is that it?”
While I was feeling pitiful about my situation, ominous words flowed from his mouth. At the anxiety of what he was trying to do by saying such things this time, I surrendered to him again, flipping like turning over a palm.
“Hyung, I don’t know what it is, but I did everything wrong. Please let it slide just this once.”
“That’s not what I want to see.”
I wondered whether to cling more, but I had no choice but to give up at his appearance of having no intention to relent. Lee Hyeonseok seemed fine at a glance, but somehow he looked a bit weak. Whether he was sick somewhere or cold, his face had gotten a bit redder than before.
Lee Hyeonseok now turned his back as if to go back. I felt like a death row prisoner waiting for the execution date, unable to say anything. It was a feeling I was even accustomed to now.
“Well. There’s one more thing to look forward to left.”
I didn’t want to take my anger out on Lee Hyeonseok. He was an inhuman bastard and a person who made me lose interest, but anyway, it wasn’t Lee Hyeonseok but Han Taeseok or Cheon Jaekyung who orchestrated me not being able to take the College Scholastic Ability Test. I was genuinely sincere. It wasn’t that I had no resentment, but it wasn’t to the extent of lunging at him without distinguishing front from back.
But the moment I heard Lee Hyeonseok’s words, I thought, ‘I should show him something.’ Otherwise, I didn’t know what Lee Hyeonseok might do for his own satisfaction, or he might stand by even knowing something bad would come to me. He might wait for me to go crazy with anticipation like a child waiting for a Christmas present.
I picked up a red brick lying carelessly on the ground, prepared to get beaten just enough not to die. Then I ran to not miss Lee Hyeonseok. I was worried I’d miss Lee Hyeonseok, but he was on a call. I couldn’t hear the content, but it didn’t seem to be a pleasant call as I heard a voice full of irritation.
“If you come, know that you’ll really die.”
Lee Hyeonseok ended the call with those words. Then, as if tired, his body swayed slightly. As if planning to rest briefly, I saw him entering an alley that came into view. I also followed him into the alley. I could see Lee Hyeonseok’s neat back of the head.
Lee Hyeonseok sensed a presence and turned around, but I was first in smashing his head with the bright red and hard brick. A loud crack filled the alley. I swear, I didn’t intend to kill him. I just had the full thought that if it was about this much, he’d get beaten enough not to die and lose interest in me.
“Who, who…”
“Haa, haa… Phew.”
“You, you Seo Jiwoo…!”
The shock must have been quite big as Lee Hyeonseok pressed one arm against the wall to keep his body from collapsing and glared at me with difficulty. Fortunately, Lee Hyeonseok didn’t pass out. If he had passed out, it definitely wouldn’t be getting beaten enough not to die, but getting beaten enough to die.
Since I ran quite hard, I looked down at Lee Hyeonseok who was struggling while catching my breath and pressing against the wall. Was it too much? Blood trickled down his head. I thought I had done as Lee Hyeonseok expected.
“If it’s this much, are you a little satisf—”
“Meow!”
“?!”
Lee Hyeonseok must have been quite shocked as he couldn’t continue his words properly, so the moment I was about to ask first, a stray cat popped out. Whether it had been sitting above, the cat meowed cheerfully and lightly jumped down using surrounding objects as stepping stones.
And the last thing it used as a stepping stone was Lee Hyeonseok’s shoulder. The stray cat used Lee Hyeonseok’s shoulder as a stepping stone to jump, and with that recoil, Lee Hyeonseok was pushed forward as is.
The stray cat was very quick, so all of that happened in less than a second. Naturally, neither I nor Lee Hyeonseok could prepare for what the stray cat was doing, and especially he was in a state where his head had been smashed by me and he was even bleeding.
Unable to overcome the recoil from the stray cat, Lee Hyeonseok hit his head against the wall once more and ended up collapsing. It was a light enough bump that no sound could be heard, but it seemed I had properly hit him. Moreover, thinking about it now, Lee Hyeonseok’s condition didn’t look that good either.
“Lee Hyeonseok!”
Startled, I called out to Lee Hyeonseok and crouched down. I tried to shake his body to wake him, but having picked up somewhere that it’s not good to shake the body of someone who received a shock to the head, I just called Lee Hyeonseok’s name a few more times. Lee Hyeonseok was tenacious enough to not completely lose consciousness. But his condition was very poor.
“Cra-crazy… You to me, real-really…”
“Shhh. Lee Hyeonseok, if your blood pressure rises now, you’ll really say goodbye to life. Let’s calm down, okay?”
“Fuck, hands off. Be-before… You, first…”
“Shhhhh.”
Since I’d never heard good words from his mouth, I blocked his lips with my index finger. Naturally he swatted it away, but I kept blocking his mouth. Perhaps right now I was in a state of not being in my right mind as he wanted.
“Wait, I’ll call 119 now…”
“No hospital!”
Since I didn’t intend to kill him anyway, when I tried to call 119, Lee Hyeonseok stopped me.
“Huh? Really trying to say goodbye to the world?”
“Hospital… No one… Somewhere with no one…”
At my question mixed with confusion, Lee Hyeonseok grabbed my collar and spoke in a low voice. As if it was his last remaining strength, Lee Hyeonseok ended up passing out after those words.
“……”
And so I was placed in a scene that would get reported if anyone saw it. It seemed that rather than suicide from despair over not being able to take the College Scholastic Ability Test, I had committed murder.
