Chapter 12. Lingering Regret Stems from Remorse (2)
They say the human heart changes from yesterday to today. Haesung pondered deeply.
‘We’re nothing to each other.’
What came to mind along with Dohyeong, who had looked up at him with those calm eyes, was Yuchan’s appearance when he answered at the production announcement.
‘Regarding questions related to Kim Dohyeong-ssi… I can’t give you an answer. If we discuss private emotions at a place meant for discussing public matters, wouldn’t there be a possibility that today’s production announcement could take on a completely different direction?’
If Dohyeong truly felt nothing for him, he could have denied it right there on the spot. He could have said they were just friends and to stop the speculation. That he didn’t want trouble from unnecessary scandals.
He was old enough and experienced enough to make that kind of judgment. He would naturally know that this industry’s position could be shaken by even a single meaningless word.
The fact that he chose to say such things was something that, no matter how much he thought about it, he couldn’t understand.
He quietly looked down at his half-filled whiskey, then plopped down on the sofa and took in Seoul’s glittering night view.
For a place he had hastily found right after breaking up with Dohyeong, it was quite to his liking. Though the living room was silent with no sounds audible, whenever he looked at the lights illuminating here and there, his mind became inexplicably restless.
When he was deeply immersed in such moments, no other distracting thoughts would surface and they would naturally settle down.
‘What does that have to do with Jung Haesung-ssi?’
Dohyeong’s words kept circling in his head.
‘Whatever my relationship with Choi Yuchan-ssi might be, there’s no reason for Jung Haesung-ssi to be concerned about it, is there?’
He couldn’t admit it even to himself.
They were already over, and wasn’t he the one who made him leave? Rather than it being anyone’s fault, they were incompatible, which was why they had come this far.
Why did everything about Dohyeong bother him so much now that it was all over? Especially when it came to matters related to Choi Yuchan.
‘Please don’t grab people like this from now on.’
No, it wasn’t just that that bothered him. The emotions that had welled up from the moment he realized Dohyeong had become cold toward him had been nagging at him constantly.
Right, because he hadn’t expected that even if they lived like strangers, Dohyeong would push him away with such a cold expression.
After being lost in thought for a while, he ended up chuckling.
What a ridiculous and arrogant sight he must be.
To soothe his burning insides, he gulped down the ice-cold whiskey.
Thud! He slammed the glass down on the glass table hard enough to almost break it, then leaned back against the sofa as if lying down.
“…How have you lived your life, Jung Haesung?”
He remembered words someone had left him once, someone he couldn’t even recall.
‘If you keep living like that, you’ll live alone forever. No one will be able to stand it.’
Only the venomous expression and the voice filled with resentment remained in his memory.
It showed just how indifferent Jung Haesung had been back then. The fact that he had forgotten everything despite that sharp voice proved it.
Dohyeong. Kim Dohyeong. That name, which had previously felt more awkward to say aloud, was today persistently forcing its way past his lips.
***
He didn’t know how those two days had passed.
Even while going through his schedule, Yuchan’s attention was entirely focused on Dohyeong.
Wherever he went, he looked for Dohyeong. Since stories about <Glass Holding Stars> were gradually starting to come out, he thought they might run into each other anywhere.
But unfortunately, there were no schedules where he would encounter Dohyeong.
To him grumbling about this, his manager had said something.
‘Unless script readings or drama filming are properly materialized, they won’t be calling Dohyeong around like they do you.’
Right, that was it.
It was still too early to call Dohyeong since nothing had been properly revealed yet, and his agency also wasn’t trying to schedule anything substantial enough to fully capture news about Dohyeong.
It was unfortunate but couldn’t be helped. This industry didn’t operate solely on actors’ judgment.
He could only desperately hope that Dohyeong’s agency would quickly schedule various appointments here and there, increasing the frequency of their encounters.
Even knowing that once filming began, they would have more time together, human greed knows no bounds.
Time passed this way until the day to shoot the poster, when he could finally meet Dohyeong, approached. He wanted to quickly go to the shop first and wait for him, but annoyingly, a morning interview schedule had been set.
It was a schedule that would start from dawn and only end around morning time.
When he asked Wootae, he said Dohyeong was going to the shop from dawn to get his makeup done early. In his anxious state, he couldn’t even remember how he had conducted the interview.
“Hyung, quickly. Let’s go quickly.”
“Why are you being like this? Anyone would think you really like Dohyeong. He’s not going anywhere.”
“Jung Haesung is there with him. Who knows what he might say. Hurry.”
At his nagging voice, his manager let out a deep sigh.
He was about to ask why he didn’t answer the part about seeming like he liked him, but kept his mouth shut.
Fortunately or not, the statement Yuchan had blurted out at the production announcement hadn’t been reported as an article anywhere. The reporters also would have known it wasn’t meant as anything special enough to make into an issue.
Of course, that also meant Yuchan’s agency had that much power. A major agency that you wouldn’t want to make an enemy of for no good reason.
Was it rather fortunate? He shook his head while ruminating on thoughts he couldn’t make sense of.
As soon as they arrived at the shop, Yuchan got out of the car and went inside while adjusting his clothes. Though he was already wearing simple makeup because of his earlier schedule, if Dohyeong wasn’t finished yet, he wanted to sit side by side and receive makeup touch-ups.
“Director-nim, it’s been a while.”
“Oh my, why has Yuchan been so scarce? Don’t tell me you found somewhere better than our shop or something disappointing like that?”
“Come on, as if. The makeup team has been expanded a bit too. I need time to drop by and move around. I’ll come by often from now on.”
“Alright, we’ll be supporting Director Na’s entire project anyway. It would be even better if we saw each other often aside from that too, right?”
Yuchan nodded and smiled brightly at the director who spoke while joking around. Then he looked around the shop a couple of times before approaching her and asking quietly.
“What about Dohyeong?”
“Ah… Dohyeong-ssi?”
With that short answer, the director’s expression strangely hardened. Sensing that something had happened, Yuchan turned around and pointed to the room at the end.
“That’s it, right? The place where Dohyeong always gets his makeup done.”
“Uh-huh, that’s right but. Wait, wait, Yuchan-ssi!”
Even while hearing the urgent voice calling him, he couldn’t stop walking. After forcibly swallowing the surging anxiety, when he walked closer to the makeup room.
“You look good. Different from before.”
He heard Haesung’s voice.
He clenched his fists tightly. It would be good if he could just go in right now and drag Dohyeong out. But he became certain that if he interfered here, the situation would become more complicated.
It would be right to watch first.
He became frustrated listening to the conversation between the two people chatting about this and that. Even when Manager Min and his manager approached and were about to ask what was wrong, Yuchan raised his hand and told them to step away for a moment.
Even when Dohyeong came out, it might be better if he was the only one to face him.
“Are you still staying at that house?”
“…It’s alimony. I have to stay there until I directly dispose of that house myself.”
“How foolish.”
He almost barged into the room right then. He wanted to ask what he knew, whether he had ever seen Kim Dohyeong during that time.
While imagining himself reproaching and criticizing him, he pictured Dohyeong looking even more despairing.
He wouldn’t want to show his collapsed state from that time. It also wasn’t what he would want Haesung to acknowledge. He suppressed his urge to go ahead and stayed in place.
Be patient, he had to be patient. Around the time he was controlling himself countless times.
“I’m doing too well for it to be a problem, and there’s no reason I shouldn’t be doing well. I’d prefer if you didn’t act familiar with me privately like this again, Jung Haesung-ssi.”
He heard Dohyeong’s voice. Along with it, he could feel Dohyeong approaching the door. Even knowing he should avoid this, his feet wouldn’t move. He only stepped back a couple of steps at most.
Should he turn his head and pretend not to know? Should he naturally enter the next room?
Countless thoughts crossed his mind, but all of them soon shattered into pieces and collapsed.
Dohyeong’s face as he emerged from the room was flushed red. The moment he saw his moistly wet eyes, all the thoughts he had built up layer by layer returned to square one.
Though he knew it was somewhat impulsive, he thought it was the best choice. Yuchan grabbed Dohyeong’s wrist and pulled him into the empty adjacent room.
It happened in an instant.
“Choi Yuchan.”
Dohyeong’s voice that followed seemed stained with tears, and watching him like this was unbearably difficult.
He pulled Dohyeong into his embrace while trying to gather his crumbling heart. He was grateful that the door against his back felt particularly cold.
If it hadn’t been for that, he might have lost his reason and released his pheromones. Though he was skilled at pheromone control, whenever his emotions started running wild, pheromones would burst out before his fists.
Especially in a situation like this, the possibility was even higher.
“Yuchan-ah. Why are you doing this, Choi Yuchan?”
He could feel Dohyeong’s hands fidgeting in his embrace. Unable to touch his back or pull away from him. Only trembling, unable to move, could be felt.
Yuchan took a deep breath.
Why had he acted this way?
Why did his hands move first when Dohyeong seemed to be crying, and why did he feel the impulse to embrace him?
Though it could be emotions that were possible even between friends, it wouldn’t be an impulse that would boil up because of anger toward Haesung or tender feelings toward Dohyeong.
The chain of thoughts was suddenly cut short.
Though he was barely regaining his reason, the heat that made his chest burn remained the same.
Tenderness and upset feelings tangled together, making him open his mouth recklessly.
“Let me… do it for you.”
“What? I can’t hear you well. Let go of this and talk.”
He hugged even tighter the struggling Dohyeong who was trying to escape. He could feel the area around his chin burning from his body temperature seeping into his arms.
Finally, he voiced the words that had been boiling up from his chest.
Hoping it wouldn’t hurt Dohyeong, hoping his feelings wouldn’t corner him.
“Let me… become someone special to you. Let me protect you. Dohyeong-ah.”
