I don’t know why that was so hard to say. But Chae Jinyeong just looked at me quietly for a moment, then curved those pretty eyes into a smile.
His face, nose scrunched up as he smiled, looked like it was saying what’s the problem? I think that was when I finally understood. The promise the two of us had made as children was just that — a lighthearted joke between kids being kids, nothing more than a bit of fun. There was no need to carry it seriously, as though it were real.
A pointless thought surfaced and I let out a hollow breath. Just then, someone came and settled in beside me.
“Hey.”
I’d been looking down at my phone — I lifted my head. A neatly worn uniform and an imposing height caught my eye. He looked like someone who played sports, yet strangely his impression was gentle, matching the softness of his voice rather than any roughness.
Embroidered on one side of his chest was the name Jin Woojin. His was a face I didn’t recognize at all, and I looked him over for a moment before finally lowering my phone and answering.
“Hey.”
“Sorry, but would it be alright if I sat next to you? I transferred here not too long ago and I’m not sure which seats are taken — but I think I need to sit in the back because of my height.”
He was right. Of the back-row seats, the only one left was the one next to me. Compared to Chae Jinyeong, Jin Woojin was around the same height, which meant the middle or front rows would be even harder for him to sit in. I knocked the desk lightly with my fingertips, as if to say it was no problem.
“Yeah. Sit down. I thought you looked like someone I hadn’t seen before — you’re a transfer student.”
It wasn’t common to transfer in during third year. Figuring it must be awkward for him, I gave Jin Woojin a smile to help ease the tension at least a little.
If Jinyeong had been here, that seat would naturally have been his — but it seemed ridiculous to say no when I didn’t even know if he was coming or not.
I could already picture the sulky face Jinyeong would make if he showed up late and saw someone else in his spot. I tilted my chin toward the nameplate with my name on it.
“Seeing as we have the same moving class, you must be from the class next door. Our math teacher is pretty strict — if you have any questions, feel free to ask. Though I’m sure there’ll be plenty of other people who’d help you out.”
Jin Woojin thanked me and sat down. Since he didn’t have an assigned seat yet, he’d probably had to think pretty hard about where to sit.
Jin Woojin kept his gaze on my face without saying anything. The stare was starting to feel like a bit of a weight, so I rubbed my chin and squinted at him.
“Why are you staring like that? Like you’ve got something to say.”
“Yuhan, are you by any chance an Alpha?”
Being asked if I was an Alpha by someone I’d just met happened fairly often. I’d come to realize in high school that because my height and build weren’t small, I could come across that way on the outside. When Chae Jinyeong and I were out together, we’d gotten our numbers taken by Beta and Omega college students more times than I could count.
It wasn’t a sensitive question for me, so there was nothing stopping me from answering.
“No, I’m a Beta.”
“Sorry if that was rude. I was wondering if you might be an Alpha. I’m a Beta too.”
Jin Woojin let the corner of his mouth lift as if relieved. I tilted my head slightly as I watched his eyes curve downward at the corners in a pleasant way.
Jin Woojin also had the look of someone who could pass for an Alpha. Separate from the gentle air he gave off. Instead of saying it was fine, I just shook my head. I could tell why he was asking about secondary genders.
Omegas and Alphas were better off with each other. Betas with Betas.
And as a Beta myself — even if I had close friends with different secondary genders — in the end, the person I’d be with would be a Beta.
…So what will Chae Jinyeong turn out to be?
Chae Jinyeong still hadn’t manifested, but whatever he turned out to be, I knew I wouldn’t be able to let go of him. Just like now.
No matter how much taller than me Chae Jinyeong had gotten, the image of him when he was little was still clear as day in my mind.
Chae Jinyeong needs me by his side.
Because to me, Jinyeong was still someone I needed to be next to. Someone I had to protect.
I looked back down at my darkened phone screen and pulled up one corner of my mouth. My reflection in the screen looked, almost comically, far more displeased than it had when I’d been talking to Jin Woojin just moments ago.
In the end, Chae Jinyeong didn’t come for the rest of the day. The moment school let out, I headed straight for his house without even changing out of my uniform.
My feet moved toward his house on their own. Part of me kept telling myself he’d be fine — but before I knew it, I was running.
Looking at the sky as the sun sank lower, I felt a tightness in my chest. I think today was supposed to be a late day for his aunt too. I didn’t even know if there was anyone at home with him.
I hesitated at the front gate, but in the end my hand moved first. Jinyeong was the one who’d given me the password, and we’d both let ourselves into each other’s houses dozens of times before.
I entered the code out of habit and stepped inside Chae Jinyeong’s house.
Even as I walked down the hallway, every light in the house was off. It was quiet enough to make me wonder if Jinyeong wasn’t even there. I would’ve been relieved if it turned out he wasn’t sick or something was wrong — but the silence coming from that darkened space felt strangely eerie.
It reminded me of something from elementary school. When I’d found out that Jinyeong’s parents had suddenly had to leave to care for their grandparents, and Jinyeong was going to be left alone. On our walk home from school that day, I’d asked if he was okay, and he’d just nodded.
We’d kept in contact after going back to our own houses, but I was still worried. The distance wasn’t even far — I thought it’d be better to just bring him back to my place so we could sleep there together, and I’d gone to Jinyeong’s house without saying a word. It was a house I’d visited plenty of times. When I’d punched in the password Jinyeong had given me and stepped inside, the whole place had been dark.
The atmosphere was so cold it felt like stepping into a haunted house, and just as I startled — I heard a sound from somewhere. A soft, stifled sobbing. The moment I heard that voice, every bit of my fear vanished. I walked in with purpose, opened the door, and found Chae Jinyeong sitting curled up on his bed.
Knees drawn to his chest, body folded in on itself, tears falling steadily from those pretty eyes. The moment I saw that, my heart dropped straight to the floor.
Hey, Chae Jinyeong… why are you crying. Hm?
That was the first time I ever understood what it felt like to have the blood drain from your whole body. I rushed to Chae Jinyeong and pulled him into my arms. The moment he saw me, those already-large eyes went even wider — and then he collapsed into my chest. He sniffled against me and grabbed onto my arm.
…ly.
What?
Being… being alone is… lonely…
I remember holding him close, offering him my warmth, and thinking to myself — I’ll make it so Chae Jinyeong never has to feel lonely. Never has to cry.
After that day, I was always with Chae Jinyeong. And that was just how it was.
So now too, I was thinking — as long as he wasn’t alone, it was fine. I’d ask him later what had happened. Just as that thought crossed my mind, a small sound came from somewhere inside. A low, strained moan — something between the groaning of someone in pain and the panting of an injured animal. It was coming from Chae Jinyeong’s room.
For a moment, my heart went cold. Before I’d even finished the thought, I moved quickly and opened the door to Chae Jinyeong’s room.
“…”
Chae Jinyeong was curled up on the bed, barely alive. His arm was thrown over his face as he gasped, and his shirt and blanket had been flung to the floor — he was running such a fever. His heaving body trembled like it could barely hold on.
“…Chae Jinyeong?”
At that, Jinyeong’s body gave a start, and the hand covering his face slowly lowered. The moment our eyes met, I was rooted to the spot.
That glass-white face, usually so pale and clear, was twisted in pain. The skin around his reddened eyes was streaked with tears. His eyes looked like they might spill over any second, his hair was plastered to his forehead with sweat, and his lips — bitten raw and red — were unbearably sensual.
What… is this…
Chae Jinyeong was glaring at me through tear-blurred eyes. His long lashes trembling. Resentful felt like the more accurate word for it. Then, from behind tightly clenched lips, he spat out in a choked, grinding voice:
“Please… just… is this still a dream…?”
“…”
“…Don’t come in. I don’t… want to…”
Something was off. Something felt charged, electric…
I’d never seen Chae Jinyeong like this before.
The young Jinyeong I knew. The kind Jinyeong. The gentle Jinyeong… had never worn a face like this.
“I don’t want this…”
