# Chapter 100
On the day of sending Jiman off, my eyes opened earlier than usual. After tossing and turning all night and falling asleep only in the late dawn, my head was far from clear. As I got up, shaking my blurry vision, I saw Jiman quietly sleeping beside the bed. Outside, it was silent without even the sound of wind, and a peaceful smile was gently placed at the corners of his lips.
How long had he been here? Jiman was always like that. At the end of lonely times spent alone, he would always quietly approach. Keeping the space beside me, he would share the long, long night. Whenever I looked at his eyes that seemed like they would never change, my violently shaking heart would find its center. A person who says everything will be alright in any situation. A person who truly makes everything alright just by being nearby. Sending him away couldn’t be easy.
I carefully covered him with a blanket, trying not to make a loud sound. After gazing at Jiman’s softly closed eyes for a few more minutes, I carefully left the room. The sun that was just rising illuminated the corridor diagonally. Hunching my body in the somewhat chilly weather, I quickly moved my steps. Until I reached Jiman’s room, I deliberately tried not to think about anything.
His room was emptied smoothly as if it had been robbed. His few belongings were neatly packed in a corner. Looking at the room with not a trace of him left, I became a bit sad. It was difficult to imagine Jiman wandering around this empty space. I wished there was at least one object that could remind me of him.
But in the next moment, I noticed packages neatly lined up along the wall. If not for the carefully written notes attached, I would have thought they were part of Jiman’s luggage to take with him. I picked up one of the packages without a moment’s hesitation. Tears fell from my eyes as they followed Jiman’s densely written handwriting.
What he had organized were medicinal ingredients for me. To me, who would no longer be sick or face death’s door, Jiman was still a physician. Small indigestion, colds, stomach pain that comes when you worry too much about something, bloating, muscle pain… Detailed descriptions of minor symptoms and the necessary medicinal ingredients for each occasion were written. He seemed to want to take away all my pain as he left. Even in the moments when he would be far away from me, wishing that I would heal my pain through Jiman’s touch.
Wiping my tears, I opened his bag. I could quickly find a small notebook containing his years of effort. I sat at the clean desk and turned the pages. The notebook was as neat and meticulous as when I first saw it. Dried leaves attached to each page quietly revealed their meaning. When I reached an empty page, I quietly picked up a pen. My hand, which moved slowly at first, soon gained speed. And so, hurriedly, I poured out my heart. All the gratitude, love, and sincerity that I couldn’t express even when he was in front of me were written down.
In every path Jiman takes from now on, new herbs will be added to this notebook. Proving his time flowing vividly even after leaving me. But among them, my letter will always remain. My sincere writing, carefully containing the time I spent with Jiman, will quietly live and breathe in the middle of his book and be with him forever. No matter how far away, I hoped that the numerous loves between Jiman and me would remain here. Only after writing the final sentence did I truly become ready to let him go.
I cleaned the desk and got up. To happily send off something precious from me.
* * *
“Do not hesitate to write if you need help.”
“Yes, Your Highness.”
Jiman bowed gratefully. Kadilen, ignoring the royal etiquette, bowed back to him. Their gazes, filled with deep understanding and respect, met briefly and then parted. Jiman was now staring blankly at Rio, who was hiding behind my back. Although no one rushed, Rio hesitated until he finally opened his mouth awkwardly.
“…Don’t go.”
Everyone burst into laughter at the small voice. Jiman came over with big strides and lifted Rio up. The child’s face, which would usually giggle, contorted and eventually began to sob. Despite the sorrowful crying, Jiman calmly comforted Rio.
“I’ll keep in touch often.”
“What if I miss you…”
“I’ll miss you too, Rio.”
Rio’s small hands were firmly holding onto Jiman. Jiman, allowing himself to be held by the child’s hands, said:
“And I’ll be waiting. Let’s meet when you become a better doctor and a more wonderful adult.”
“Okay…”
Rio quietly nestled into Jiman’s arms.
“Please send herbs often too.”
“I’ll send them until you’re sick of them.”
During the soft embrace, Jiman steadily looked at me over Rio’s shoulder. I recalled the final greeting I had prepared. I had memorized it word for word, wanting to convey my feelings of support and care for him exactly as they were. However, right now, receiving his subtle gaze, no sentence came to mind. My mouth opened and closed repeatedly.
“I’ll be going now.”
Making the time I had prepared seem futile, Jiman put Rio down and said goodbye. Even as he picked up his luggage and was just turning around, my head remained frustratingly blank.
“Jiman, wait!”
At my urgent call, Jiman looked back at me. I had stopped him rashly, but my lips still wouldn’t part.
“So…”
Looking at me standing like a fool, Jiman smiled affectionately. With a gentler voice than when he was comforting the child, he whispered to me.
“You don’t need to say anything. I know everything.”
“…”
“You may remember me for a lifetime, or you may forget me. Just make sure your heart doesn’t hurt. I will be doing well.”
It was a voice as soft as clouds and as warm as sunlight. I finally couldn’t hold back and rushed to him. Despite the short distance, Jiman’s body was pushed back by my force as I embraced him with all my strength.
“Don’t talk as if we’ll never see each other again. We will definitely meet again. If you don’t come, I’ll go to you.”
“…Then I’ll be waiting. Ludin.”
With that calm whisper as his last words, Jiman left the palace. Watching his receding back, I realized he had never shown his back to me before. The back of someone who had never done so was more chilling and also more poignant than anything else.
* * *
The palace was quiet for a while. Even though only two people had left, my heart felt empty and lonely. I spent most of my time with Wimu, Rio, and Kadilen. I knew they were worried about my melancholy, but I couldn’t easily forget the emptiness. I tried to create reasons to smile forcibly, and I tried to be enthusiastic about new things, but nothing was easy. The vacant places of Devan and Jiman were so large that I even felt a desperate fear that nothing could fill them as they were.
“His Highness is looking for you.”
One day, the court attendant delivered Kadilen’s summons to me. These days, he had many busy days and only showed his face briefly in the evenings. Since it was rare for him to look for me in broad daylight like this, I headed toward him with a feeling that was half happy and half worried. As I opened the door and entered, something suddenly flew through the air and jumped into my hand.
“Kadilen?”
It was a sword.
A handle with beautiful patterns and a smoothly extended scabbard. When I revealed the blade, my name and his name were neatly inscribed. It was a sword I had never seen before. Seeing my perplexed eyes, Kadilen smiled lightly.
“Let’s go out.”
With that firm and brief explanation, Kadilen left the room. I followed him with a dumbfounded feeling as he walked far ahead. The hurried footsteps led to the open space where I had once shot arrows with him. Between buildings, a small lawn was shallowly spread like a secret fortress.
“Why here…”
Before I could finish my sentence, Kadilen’s sword came to my neck. Seeing his serious face reminded me of the moment when I first met Kadilen. Back then, he had also recklessly put his sword to my nape. Just like that appearance, fearful yet dazzling, Kadilen was looking at me tirelessly. Soon, a playfulness appeared in his eyes.
I drew the sword I had received from him. A few more attacks and defenses followed my counterattack. The metallic sound reflected off the building walls, resonating in the air like an echo. I wanted to block his sword, which came flying like a dance, by moving quickly, but distracting thoughts soon intruded in my mind. The more that happened, the more fiercely Kadilen pushed me.
“Focus on the tip of the sword. Between you and me, place only the sword.”
It was advice characteristic of him. His sword, drawing clear curves even in this moment. Strangely, as I followed it, my heart grew lighter and lighter. Sweat flowed and breath quickened with the ceaseless movements, but the hand holding the sword became sharper and clearer every moment. When I repelled his sword with strong force, Kadilen stopped with a satisfied smile.
Only then did my vision see just one person. The world seemed so full with just Kadilen that nothing could wedge into our gap. He was clearly holding me and supporting me just by existing. He was someone who would vividly and firmly keep his place even if my eyes were covered by misty breath or sometimes by gently settled fog. The moment I knew his conviction and belief were directed at me, life led me more clearly than before.
“No sword is needed. There should be nothing between you and me.”
With my final strike, Kadilen’s sword fell to the floor with a clang. I dropped my sword as well and approached him. Large hands grasped me as I came closer. Maddeningly affectionate and at the same time overwhelming touches were repeatedly embracing me, saying one thing.
Love.
I learned love from him, and he learned it from me. Love for people, for life, and for each other.
Every journey to be taken with him was valuable and gratifying. I will live life following his footsteps, and sometimes being his milestone. Not forgetting to hold each other’s hands, I will practice what I have learned, and also what he has learned. And so, I will be breathlessly happy for a long time.
He was my eternal teacher and lover.
[Kadilen’s Disciple]
The End.
