# Chapter 76
I gave Kadilen, who was looking at me with a perplexed expression, a desperate look. I glanced at Devan who usually takes my side in these matters, but he remained uncharacteristically silent. There was a quiet authority in Jiman’s words. When it came to my wellbeing, no one could ignore Jiman’s opinion. Though I wasn’t unaware of this subtle dynamic, seeing everyone turn away from me was frustrating.
“No one knows better about health than Jiman. If he’s this concerned, I’m worried too.”
Kadilen’s hesitant response was filled with kindness, as if soothing a child. Though I was irritated at being treated as fragile, Jiman clearly had no intention of yielding. If I’d known this would happen, I would have taken at least one dose of the antidote… Belated regret washed over me.
“Fine. But you have to come frequently to update me. Devan.”
“As you command.”
Devan’s playful response slightly eased the still chilly atmosphere.
Though I was bothered that I couldn’t be directly involved, it wasn’t a bad outcome. We’d quickly discovered that Arzel was deviating from our expectations, and we’d devised a way to deal with him—so the situation was rather good. Unlike moments ago when I first heard about Arzel’s suspicious behavior, I felt much more relieved now. Kadilen, perhaps concerned that I still appeared sulky, came over and smiled at me. Seeing the smooth curve of his lips, my sullen mood melted away like snow.
“I didn’t know you wouldn’t be on my side.”
When I pouted playfully, Kadilen laughed aloud.
“It’s because I cherish you so much.”
“…I know.”
“Don’t resent Jiman too much.”
“How could I possibly resent him?”
It was absurd. How could I resent someone like him? Even if he had prevented something I desired more desperately than this, I wouldn’t have held it against Jiman. Even if our opinions differed, the fact that he sincerely cared for me remained unchanged. Jiman had proven this in too many situations, in countless moments when he didn’t have to. Thinking about it, I suddenly felt a surge of gratitude toward him. Kadilen slightly frowned when he saw the expression that appeared on my face.
“That look… makes me a bit jealous.”
This time, a smile spread across my lips. Taking advantage of the moment when everyone’s attention was scattered, I pulled his arm. Kadilen relaxed and let me draw him closer. His calm gaze completely captivated me.
* * *
Rio, who had nearly fully recovered, returned to something resembling his usual self. He had regained his childlike brightness and clear face. A pink vitality returned to his cheeks with their healthy color. It was so wonderful to see Rio bouncing energetically around the hospital room. And the person who rejoiced most in this fact was Jiman.
But on the day when the child was at his healthiest, he embraced him just once with overwhelmed eyes and never expressed affection again. Having observed him treating the child desperately at every moment from the closest proximity, I found his gruffness endearing. Jiman handled Rio well, but he was shy about expressing intense affection. Unaware of Jiman’s true feelings, Rio, who had been jumping around and was scolded for it, was now sitting sullenly on the bed. Jiman was busily moving around as if organizing instruments, but he kept stealing glances at the dejected child.
While contemplating whether to keep watching their adorable interaction, I finally stood up when I saw Rio’s pouting lips. Jiman, who had been focusing all his attention on the bed where the child sat, widened his eyes in surprise.
“Let’s go out.”
“Pardon?”
“It’s not even raining today, it’s clear. Rio must feel stifled. He’s been in the hospital room this whole time.”
Jiman, who was about to mention all sorts of germs and viruses floating in the air, reluctantly gave permission as he caught Rio who ran to him. Until now, he had strictly controlled Rio from going outside, worried about his severely weakened immune system. But when the child ignored my words and began to act cute in earnest, Jiman couldn’t help but break into a pleasant smile.
“But only for one hour, okay?”
“Yes!”
I couldn’t help but smile along with Rio’s innocent, joyful tone. I grabbed a blanket and the emergency medicine package that Jiman had prepared. Following Rio who ran ahead, we stepped outside the palace to find a perfectly blue sky without a single cloud stretched out before us.
A silent wind warmly wrapped around our skin. Rio burst into laughter watching our hair flying carelessly. The sound of hundreds of leaves touching each other rang like a song. Lying down together where the gentle sunlight fell, the soft grass caressed our backs. Rio’s pale white skin beautifully shone in the generously pouring sunlight. Flower branches fell along the path where he ran, lightly fluttering.
“It’s good we came out, isn’t it?”
I looked at Jiman. He had his eyes closed and was leisurely enjoying the sunshine. The sight of Jiman lying freely in a place without any anxiety or pain was more radiant than any other appearance I’d seen of him.
“Not bad.”
“Be honest. You look extremely pleased.”
“Honestly?”
He slightly opened his eyes. Though his eyelids quickly closed against the sunlight spreading in all directions, a smile had somehow formed on his lips.
“I wish this moment would last forever.”
His low voice flowed endlessly with the innocent wind. It was Jiman’s always pleasant, genuinely clear voice. Refreshing birdsong echoed along the smooth rhythm that resembled him. A neat sense of calm permeated the corners of Jiman’s gently closed eyes.
“I feel more than I deserve. I only hoped to be by your side, but now I think I might be able to do more.”
“Such as?”
“When everything is over… if everyone is truly safe…”
He paused for a moment. I quietly waited for his voice to be heard again through the gently blowing wind. I was curious about what he had chosen at the end of his overwhelming supposition.
“I want to travel to distant places.”
It was a composed voice for an answer that took so long. I turned to face him again.
“Distant places? Won’t you even show your face to me?”
Jiman, still with his eyes closed, softly chuckled. It was a laugh made of tiny particles.
“I will serve you forever, Ludin.”
After that, it seemed as if the world stopped for a moment. Jiman slowly rose and approached me. Even the sunlight that fell without knowing boundaries slowed its pace like solid ice, just for that moment. The air that had been shaking its head as it passed suddenly vanished as if holding its breath. Jiman looked at me carefully with gentle eyes. With that very same gaze that had amazingly stabilized me in numerous moments, that had never lost its warmth, not even once.
“This is not a promise bound by a single emotion. Nor is it a promise that will change according to circumstances. If my heart could turn away so lightly, I wouldn’t have said I’d stay by your side in the first place.”
“…”
“So you’ll be seeing me to the point of tedium in the future.”
Though it was an indirect expression, both he and I knew what it meant. Jiman was saying he wouldn’t leave me. Even if I no longer desperately longed for someone’s touch, or if I came to love someone other than him, or if our situation changed countless times in the future. He would remain by my side to the point of tedium. I couldn’t say anything. It felt like no words could fully express my gratitude.
For a moment, quiet understanding passed between us, and finally, he withdrew his gaze. Only when Jiman closed his eyes again in a comfortable position did I exhale the breath I had been holding. His calm voice continued.
“But if circumstances improve, I want to help more people for a while.”
“…”
“When you told me to pursue my dreams, I realized how much I love this work. I also realized it while watching Rio. I want to try harder. I want to help more people.”
It was a statement that truly made me happy. No job suited Jiman better than that one. No one could do it as well as he could. I encouraged him with confidence.
“You can do it. You’re the warmest person I know. Everyone will be grateful for your help. Like me.”
“And you, Ludin?”
“Me…?”
Jiman suddenly changed the subject. He stared at me intently and asked leisurely.
“When everything ends well, what would you like to do?”
My mind, which had been focusing on imagining him pursuing his dreams, stopped for a moment. When everything ends well… I had vaguely thought about it, but it wasn’t a specific plan I could tell someone about. I gazed at the brilliantly shining sky and fell into thought. It was a blue sky that wouldn’t allow even a dot of brush stroke.
“I want to live.”
Words I hadn’t expected rose up through my throat. It was a poor answer compared to the serious consideration I’d given. However, Jiman silently waited for my explanation. I struggled to express the unidentifiable emotion that filled my heart.
“It sounds a bit strange saying it like this… it’s not a depressing story. Just…”
“…”
“I want to live properly. With everyone. Happily.”
I tried my best, but that was all I could manage. I just wanted to live.
Now, sincerely.
Whether under a blue sky like this or a rough sky full of malicious dark clouds, it didn’t matter. I wanted to continue living. To breathe with everyone, to grumble occasionally, sometimes leisurely, sometimes intensely. I wanted to savor being alive.
“Now my time has become as precious to me as it is to you. I’m going to fill that time doing my best.”
I felt Jiman’s gaze. I faced him with a confident expression.
“I’ll love earnestly, and repay diligently. Be prepared. You might find me too annoying later.”
He smiled the most beautiful smile I had ever seen.
“That will never happen in a lifetime.”
It was the best day. A perfect day when I couldn’t be any happier. It was amazing how I could be this happy even though nothing had been resolved yet. I loved all our conversations.
“It was good that we came out.”
And it seemed Jiman shared the same thought.
