# Chapter 61
I calmly gazed at his regret.
“Does it still pain you to think about that time?”
He didn’t answer. Instead, he asked me.
“Aren’t you in pain?”
For this question, I could give a definite answer. I had spent considerable time contemplating our relationship. I had gone over all our moments countless times, sometimes blaming him, sometimes myself. But no blame served any purpose. I thought about one clear fact: even if I went back to that time, I would have saved him at any cost. Even if I had used a different method, even if the situation had become more complicated while searching for a better way, I would not have forgotten my gratitude toward him.
“I was, at times.”
It would have been a lie to say I was never in pain.
‘Can you prove it?’
I hated him for not trusting me even after reading all my emotions.
‘Do you… truly wish for death?’
I resented him for looking back at me too late.
“But not now. I’ve achieved what I wanted. Your Majesty is alive like this.”
My goal was to save him. For that goal, I blinded his eyes. I acted to the best of my ability and saved him while crumbling miserably. In that process, my actions were a series of lies. Until Kadilen completely lost trust in me. And when his blinded eyes were finally opened, he didn’t blame me. He thought of his own mistakes first. He regretted terribly and tried to take my pain. He said he would do anything for me. I received back all the affection I had poured out.
He was the Kadilen I knew. If he had truly been a worthless person to me, the truth wouldn’t have mattered in the first place. There would have been no change of heart the moment my devotion was revealed. Our relationship was a mix of mutual salvation, love and hate, and wrong choices. Now that I could put everything in the past, I could choose one of them. What I chose wasn’t hatred.
Hating him was more difficult than being hated by him.
“…Ludin.”
Kadilen looked at me with trembling eyes.
“Do you want to make me cherish you forever?”
“…I don’t understand what you mean.”
His low voice desperately echoed in the room.
“Shouldn’t you resent me… shouldn’t you try to distance yourself from me?”
“Then don’t distance yourself.”
Now that we could finally see each other without hatred, I couldn’t let him regard me as an eternal object of atonement. I wanted to become someone who could walk alongside him, at least like Devan and Wimu. A relationship where we wished for each other’s happiness and didn’t hesitate to help.
Fearing that he, standing still, might run far away from me at any moment, I urgently grabbed his clothes. The plan to escape was over. I clearly recognized my heart that had leaned to one side while embracing Jiman. But now I couldn’t let Kadilen leave me.
“There was a time when I survived with Your Majesty’s help. That’s when I first thought of you as a mentor. I was truly grateful for so much. And then eventually…”
Unable to continue my words, I looked at him. His cool eyes that made my heart tremble just by touching them, the red lips that had exchanged painful words, the straight neckline – his beautiful appearance like that.
In the end, I fell in love with him. It was a fact that would never change. I loved his straightness, his clarity, his beauty. Although I faced a changed situation while putting all emotions behind, I was definitely happy loving him. Because I received life from him.
“As time passes, wounds heal, but gratitude isn’t forgotten. So please stop suffering and continue to remain as my mentor. You don’t need to feel guilty toward me.”
“…”
“I’m still your disciple.”
Despite my desperate confession, Kadilen’s expression didn’t brighten. Rather, with an even more wavering face, he let out a small sigh.
“Ludin. I don’t regard you as a disciple.”
An awkward smile followed.
“Not once have I treated a disciple with such feelings.”
“…”
“You were the first.”
He gently clasped my hand that was holding his clothes.
“That’s why it was such an awful mess.”
A bitter smile crossed his face. Kadilen squinted his eyes for a moment as if recalling something. When he opened his mouth again, his calm voice was filled with too many emotions.
“The love I knew wasn’t like this. I was so ignorant. If I had known, I wouldn’t have treated you carelessly. Rather, you are my teacher, Ludin.”
The love he knew.
It was Kadilen’s past that I didn’t know. His expression recalling it was darker than ever.
“You know it well since you taught me. It’s not about wanting something. But it’s not easy to endure.”
He gently caressed my cheek with his other hand.
“I find it hard to breathe just looking at you.”
“…”
“Is it always like this?”
I looked perplexed at his endlessly wavering eyes. He caressed my face as if cradling a fragile glass. I couldn’t move, as if consumed by his passionate emotions. After a long silence, I finally chose to be honest with him.
“After knowing Your Majesty’s feelings… I also had many concerns.”
“…”
“But now…”
Could I tell him that I still loved him? I was grateful that there was a present and a future with him. But I couldn’t be sure how that feeling differed from what I felt for others who were dear to me. I cherished him as I cherished everyone. Perhaps feelings for him might still be crouched somewhere within me, but at least not now. I didn’t have enough certainty to respond to his emotions.
“I know. I should be grateful that I can remain by your side, even as a mentor.”
Kadilen slowly lowered his hand.
“I’ll arrange a meeting soon so you can meet Arzel. I called you to talk about that. I don’t know how the words slipped out…”
“I’ll try to speak well with Arzel.”
I nodded, gathering my awkward emotions. Kadilen slowly distanced himself from me again. Strong restraint was contained in his steps as he returned to the table. Painful air followed as if barely suppressing something with each breath.
“If I become more greedy, remind me of my past mistakes.”
Reaching the table where he had been working, Kadilen extended both palms to support his body. His head pointed toward the floor.
“So that I can engrave again the fact that I cannot have you.”
“…”
“But sometimes I think like this.”
He remained silent for a while. His bowed head, seeming in distress, made it impossible to see his expression properly.
“…Your Majesty?”
At my worried call, he finally raised his face. Still turning his back to me, Kadilen continued in a low voice.
“I want to go back to before I obtained the throne. I’d say I don’t care about this position if instead I could promise to never hurt you.”
“…”
“A foolish thought, isn’t it?”
I couldn’t bring myself to answer.
* * *
The opportunity to contact Arzel came quickly. The meeting Kadilen had arranged was a grand council where all nobles gathered. It seemed he had expanded what would normally have been a gathering of only ministers, claiming the agenda was important. It was a good opportunity as I could observe the behavior of other nobles while discussing Arzel and Luan’s matter. We needed to identify if there were any other figures to be cautious of inside and outside the palace besides him.
I dressed more carefully than usual. Since the goal was to announce that I had switched to Luan’s side, I needed to give a different impression than before. After preparing expensive attire with Jiman’s help, I visited Rio’s sickroom once more. The child was sound asleep.
“He’s been sleeping more.”
“He complained of chest pain, so I used a painkiller. I’ll watch over him, so you can go.”
Jiman reassured me. Remembering the pain that had tormented me so severely, I clenched my fist painfully. It was too strong a pain for a child to endure.
If I could meet Luan again through this contact, I planned to demand that he prove the existence of the medicine. If he gave it willingly, I intended to test it myself first and then immediately use it on Rio. If it showed the same effect as last time, Rio would recover his body for a while. For that, it was important to face Arzel well today.
“Ludin.”
I turned toward the doorway at the voice calling me. Devan was quietly leaning and watching me. I was planning to attend the meeting with him. He also needed to consider ways to gain Arzel’s trust.
“You look pretty today.”
I ignored Devan’s playful voice as I walked out. He followed behind me, laughing softly. I could feel Devan’s gaze looking me up and down appreciatively from behind. With him continuing to chuckle, I snapped sharply, feeling annoyed.
“I don’t intend to play along with your jokes. Focus.”
“Ludin.”
But disregarding me, he called my name once more. I raised my eyebrows. However, he curled up the corner of his mouth and whispered softly.
“Relax. You’ll do well.”
