When I was young, not knowing any better, I used to roam the forest like it was my own backyard.
That’s how I ended up going through something awful. After that, the forest became something I feared. Once I’d grown up, I’d lived as a human, so it had been a long time since I’d spent a night in the woods.
Pasusu—.
“Weong!”
Who’s there!
My body jumped at the sound coming from right behind me. But all I could see was grass and trees. Just as I was about to lower my bristled fur—
“Auuu!”
Wh-what? A wolf? Was that a wolf’s howl?
I startled and looked around. Since when were there wolves in Korea? And it was right nearby, too. Ah, could it be the wolf guy? But it didn’t sound like just one. It sounded like two, maybe even three. My eyes trembled with unease.
On top of that, the sound of someone pushing through the underbrush, getting closer, kept growing louder. My pupils blown wide, I watched the spot with eyes full of wariness.
I’d been bracing myself, tense all over, but the one who appeared was my owner.
Huh? Why is my owner…? Don’t tell me he’s here to catch me….
The owner who appeared before my eyes looked nothing like what I’d imagined. His hair, always kept so neatly in place, was disheveled and damp with sweat, and his usually immaculate clothes were covered in dirt and clinging leaves. He was even breathing hard, out of breath.
I blinked, dazed. Most importantly, he didn’t look angry.
I’d imagined him sending his subordinates to find me while he clicked his tongue about what a troublemaker I was — I never imagined I’d see him out here searching for me himself. And looking this disheveled, no less. He was in such a state.
He searched for me until he ended up like that?
I couldn’t make sense of it at all. I raised myself up slightly to get a better look at him. He hadn’t spotted me yet, but he was looking around as if he knew I was somewhere nearby.
That’s when the faint sound of my paw shifting echoed quietly. I’d held my breath to avoid being noticed; it was a sound so faint only I should’ve been able to hear it.
And yet he immediately whipped his head around. Our eyes met.
He didn’t look angry, but the instant I locked eyes with that glowing yellow gaze, my body froze on reflex. Strangely, though, his eyes seemed to settle gradually. Before long, the glowing yellow eyes of the tiger shifted back into the human eyes I was used to seeing.
He blinked several times. Like someone checking whether what was in front of him was real or just an illusion.
Once he was certain he’d found me, the tension eased from around his eyes. Then he let out a sigh that seemed to come from somewhere deep in his core.
“Ahh, baby. How could you just run off like that? You scared me.”
My owner called out to me in a gentle voice. But my heart was pounding strangely, and I took a step back.
“Eoreok!”
Whoa!
“Baby!”
It was only after my foot slipped that I remembered, belatedly, that I was perched on an unstable branch. I’d nearly fallen backing away like that. Embarrassed at having shown such an undignified moment, I glanced at my owner, only to find him looking more relieved than I was, like a man whose heart had dropped and then settled back into place.
“Baby, you have to be careful. You’ll get hurt.”
There was more worry in his voice than reproach. He didn’t take a single step closer from beneath the tree, just reached his arm up toward me.
“Come here quickly.”
I looked down at him from up in the tree. Which meant I could see his expression all the more clearly. He could’ve easily overpowered me with strength alone, and yet he was waiting.
And… he was worried about me.
There’d been a time when my mother’s face, searching for me, had looked exactly like that. Every time I went missing, she used to search for me wearing that same expression. My mother had been my family.
But you’re not, owner. So why are you wearing that face?
I couldn’t make sense of it, so I just stared at him.
Did you only look for me because I’m collateral? Weren’t you supposed to be mad at me for hurting that man who said he was your brother?
His voice was low from his ragged breathing, but the gentleness and worry woven into it couldn’t be hidden. Even though I’d been ignoring his carefully outstretched arm for a long while now, which must’ve hurt, he wasn’t pulling it back.
But the image of him angry was still vivid in my mind.
Was that just my imagination, then? But pheromones don’t lie.
“Meow, ang, nya, nyanyang.”
Listen. If you weren’t mad at me earlier, then what was it about? Why’d you even let your pheromones loose like that? Do you know how scared I was? Do you know how terrifying it was when you got angry?
All the words I’d been holding back came pouring out at once. It was less a protest than a whine, closer to fussing. Even I was confused about why I was getting on his case about this. He wouldn’t understand a word of it anyway.
But this time was different. As if he really had understood what I’d said, my owner’s eyes widened slightly, and he slowly lowered his arm. With his head bowed, I couldn’t see his expression clearly, but it was obvious his lips were pressed tightly together. Even his jaw tensed, creasing with strain.
“You’re right, I was angry.”
His voice came out low, almost ominously so.
What? So you were mad!
I’d been convinced he wasn’t angry, but now that it was confirmed, my heart dropped. Then why are you even looking for me? Just as my thoughts started to scramble, he spoke again.
“I just kept thinking about how scared baby must’ve been, trembling like that. Kept thinking, why couldn’t I get here faster.”
“…Areureung!”
…I wasn’t trembling!
Do you have any idea how bravely I stood up to him? Didn’t you see the marks I left on that man’s chin?
“Don’t worry about that guy. He’s not even family. I had him thrown out, so there’s no need to be scared.”
So it turned out I wasn’t the one he’d been angry at. The words he’d spat out through gritted teeth, looking ready to kill, had been aimed at that man. I didn’t know why, but he seemed to be blaming himself for letting this whole situation happen.
“Baby, more importantly, Changgyu told me. You got thrown to the floor…? Are you hurt anywhere?”
It was certain now. My owner wasn’t actually angry at me. If anything, the worry he couldn’t hide had laid itself bare. Just knowing that put me at ease, though my ear started itching strangely, and I scratched at it hard.
“Ah, I brought the things baby likes, too.”
Maybe it looked like I was deflecting, because he hurriedly pulled something out of his pocket. Out came the sparkly butterfly toy I loved and the snacks I always used to eat. He spoke in a deliberately calm tone, but the hand holding those things out to me was trembling slightly.
It looked like he was trying to hold my attention, afraid I might run.
Now that I knew he wasn’t angry with me, I could go back to the mansion. But I knew this relationship couldn’t last forever. Spending time with him had been fun, but the day I’d have to return to reality would come eventually.
If that was the case, it would be better to part ways now. Better to leave before I got even more attached. The moment I turned my body fully away, a sound like a scream tore out from behind me.
“Baby!”
It was a name I’d somehow already grown used to. The instant my owner called out for me, my legs went heavy, as if someone had clamped shackles around my ankles. My lips parted.
“Uung….”
I can’t stay with you for long anyway. So just find yourself another cat instead of me. Thanks for everything.
As if he knew I was saying goodbye for good, my owner scrambled, flustered.
“What would it take for baby’s heart to settle….”
Realizing the things he’d brought were useless, he threw all of them to the ground.
I’d been in that position once before. Something people might’ve liked for a while, but then quickly grew bored of and left behind. Those things were objects, and I was a living creature with feelings, and yet I’d been discarded plenty of times once people grew tired of me. That was why I carried so many wounds.
Still, the time I’d spent with my owner had been happy, so I didn’t want to hurt him. If I left before things got any deeper between us, he’d be able to forget me faster.
“What is it? Did me getting angry scare you? I wasn’t angry at baby. How could I ever be angry at you. Not when you’re this small, this fragile — there’s no way I could get angry at you. Baby should grow up showered in love. Even endless love wouldn’t be enough for you, so how could I ever be angry? Hm?”
I stopped dead in my tracks. My owner’s pleading voice trying to hold me back had already started to shake my resolve, but one particular word from what he’d said struck me hard.
Love? Grow up… showered in love?
My resolve wavered. Wishing for someone to like me, to love me — I’d imagined and longed for that more times than I could count, every time I was alone. Of course, the love I’d pictured and the love my owner meant were probably different things. Loving a human and loving a pet were different in meaning, different in depth.
And to my owner, I was just a cat. And yet….
“Eung, eng, meow.”
Do you like me? Did you look for me because you like me? Me, do you, do you….
Love me?
The question that never quite became words circled endlessly in my throat. Even knowing he wouldn’t understand, a cry slipped out of me anyway, almost clinging. Something I’d always wanted but could never reach. Something I’d long since accepted had nothing to do with me.
“Of course I love you.”
That single line knocked the breath right out of me.
Love — love isn’t something that can be given so easily.
