Even knowing I’d definitely get hit if caught, I thought it would be okay if I could see the child eat deliciously and smile. The pain would only be momentary anyway.
“The tangsuyuk is really delicious. You’re hungry, right?”
The child was sobbing and crying, but soon nodded his head slightly. I thought about wiping away the tears flowing down his round chin, but stopped, thinking he’d dislike it and find it disgusting if I approached.
I took money from Dad’s wallet and called the neighborhood Chinese restaurant. Then I ordered one jjajangmyeon and tangsuyuk. With the amount in the wallet, I could only order those two things.
I was only bigger than my peers at the time and had no talent for calculations, but I could calculate Chinese restaurant prices incredibly well.
“How is it? It’s delicious, right? Hm?”
Soon the delivered jjajangmyeon and tangsuyuk arrived, and I asked while sharing them with the child. The child hastily grabbed and ate the tangsuyuk.
“Kwon Yujin. But where do you originally live?”
“……”
“Which elementary school do you go to?”
“……”
“What do your mom and dad do?”
The child didn’t answer any of my questions.
“I’m in 6th grade at Seongha Elementary School. My birthday is May 2nd. I’m the tallest in class. Oh, and I’m good at soccer.”
“……”
“Isn’t that amazing?”
Again, the child said nothing. When I kept bringing my body close asking ‘huh?, huh?’, he looked at me for a moment before turning his gaze away.
“Don’t stick to me. You’re disgusting.”
“……”
Only then did I silently scratch my bumpy face. Whether a scab had peeled off, it stung and hurt.
And that night Dad came home. Dad immediately noticed the money had disappeared from his wallet. It was a natural sequence.
Worried he might hit the child, I confessed that I’d touched the wallet as soon as Dad checked it.
Dad immediately struck my cheek. He also kicked my stomach with his foot. He cursed, saying I was like my mother, like a damn rat only thinking about frivolously spending other people’s money.
My nose bled and my ears rang, but still, I was glad the child didn’t get hit.
After that, the child no longer attempted to run away. He didn’t tell me I was disgusting and dirty either. He told me which elementary school he originally attended, where he lived, when his birthday was, to me lying limply exhausted. Also that among snacks, he liked chocolate.
As time passed, I learned many things about the child. Except for the violence that flew whenever Dad was in a bad mood, they were truly good times. When I came home from school, Kwon Yujin was at home. The child tied to chains like a beast waited only for me to come home from a certain point.
I liked that. I liked it so, so much.
Kwon Yujin couldn’t run away like Mom or other friends. To be honest, for me, those 216 days were incomparably happy.
This was where my sin lay. That’s why I was Dad’s accomplice.
The day I released the child was November 25th, the child’s birthday. I felt like giving the child a memorable birthday present.
Not things like ramen crumbs or milk or bread distributed at school—I wanted to give something better. It would be nice if the child smiled because of it.
What could I do to make the child happy? In reality, there weren’t that many options. I’d never received one yet, but they say people usually eat cake on birthdays.
But there was no money. After I stole money last time, Dad no longer left his wallet at home. I couldn’t buy even a single piece of chocolate that the child liked most, let alone a cake.
While thinking hard for a long time, the thin chains wrapped around the child’s hands and feet came into my view. Because the skin was scraped whenever he moved, the skin around the child’s wrists and ankles was raw and red.
What if I released those? I imagined the child moving freely. It looked very nice. Then naturally, a scene of the child playing energetically outside followed.
But if I carelessly released the child and Dad found out, it wouldn’t end with just getting hit briefly. Just imagining Dad’s angry expression made my breath quicken and my knees weak.
But today is the child’s birthday. Besides, just for a moment, wouldn’t about 5 minutes be okay? Dad wouldn’t know I released the chains in that time. My thoughts kept leaning that way.
In the end, while Dad was out, I released the chains binding the child and took him out to the entrance.
“Taeyoung hyung. Where are we going?”
“We’re going somewhere nice. You can put on shoes, right?”
“Mm. But the shoes are small. Why are they small?”
“Then wear mine.”
“I don’t know how to put these on.”
“Come here. I’ll do it for you.”
The shoes he’d worn 7 months ago when he came had become too small and wouldn’t fit, so I lent him my sneakers. Since he found the sneakers he was seeing for the first time unfamiliar, I bent down and put the shoes on him myself.
During this, the child hugged a blue toy car tightly and waited obediently. It was my only toy that Dad’s friend had bought before. The child particularly liked that.
“Done, right?”
“Yeah!”
“Let’s go.”
“We’re really going out?”
The child seemed very surprised at first. Perhaps anxious, he looked around warily and asked me several times where we were going.
I worried he might run away as soon as I released the rope, but that didn’t happen. The child obediently followed me and walked to the playground.
Upon arriving at the playground, the child hesitated for a moment but soon left the toy with me and went to sit on the swing. After riding the swing excitedly for a few minutes, this time he went on the slide. Then he climbed all the way to the top of the jungle gym.
Though he should have lacked energy having been locked up at home for months, the child bounced around without resting for even a second, as if excited to be out after a long time.
In the middle, his legs briefly lost strength and he fell, but he immediately got up brushing himself off and climbed up the slide.
That sight made me happier than I’d imagined. At the same time, it also made me sad. Happy and sad at the same time. It was an unfamiliar emotion for me.
Perhaps if the child hadn’t been kidnapped by Dad, he would have lived a joyful and ordinary life like now. Whenever I heard stories about his parents through the child, I thought it was quite a harmonious family unlike mine.
I sat in a corner of the playground glancing at the child’s smile, lost in thought.
Dad still hit me and the child, and the frequency of using violence gradually increased. He also frequently fought with friends over the child’s whereabouts and ransom negotiations.
If things continue like this, what will happen to the child? Can’t he just keep living at our house?
I still wanted something so malicious yet carefree.
“Hyung! Look at this. I climbed all the way up here. Isn’t it amazing?”
I was looking down at the damp dirt floor when I heard clear laughter and raised my head to face the child—my heart felt like it was crumbling.
No matter how much violence Dad wielded, the child was still like a princess just like the first day he came. His skin was white, and his round face was very pretty. Often when I cut his nails, washed him, or dressed him, the child had no part that wasn’t pretty, unlike ugly and disgusting me.
Jjajangmyeon,
Tangsuyuk,
And the playground.
That was the best I could do for such a pretty child—just those things.
Shabby and insignificant. Looking at the child’s smile, I keenly realized that. The more I did, the more the inside of my chest hurt as if someone was crushing it.
I pressed or rubbed my chest firmly. But the pain didn’t disappear. It was completely different suffering from when Dad hit me.
No one hit or stepped on me, yet the area around my solar plexus tingled. I had a hunch. Perhaps as long as the child was tied up, I’d continue to feel this pain.
“……”
What would happen if I completely released the child from here?
My imagination stretched to dangerous places.
I’d be hit by Dad. Just thinking of the fists and kicks that would come at me made my body freeze. Perhaps no matter how much I got hit, Dad’s anger wouldn’t be resolved and I might die. If I was lucky, I’d live.
But the child could become happy. I could still make the child happy.
Which would hurt more—being hit by Dad or my chest aching? Even knowing it was obviously the former, I gradually became more afraid to face the latter.
So I decided to send the child away.
“Taeyoung hyung, did you see me? Yujin can even go around once like this.”
I approached the child hanging on the jungle gym in an excited state and gestured for him to come down.
“What’s wrong? Do we have to go home?”
At my call, the child obediently came down. Anxiety and fear had already cast over his face. Like usual.
I shook my head and bent down. After briefly putting the toy car on the dirt floor, I firmly retied the child’s loose shoelaces.
“Do you remember your home address?”
“Address?”
“Yeah.”
“I don’t know. You never told me.”
“Not our house, your original house address. Where Mom, Dad, and hyung are.”
The child’s jewel-like pupils wavered. He seemed puzzled about why I was asking such a thing.
“I remember.”
But after a moment, the child answered spiritedly.
“Listen carefully, Kwon Yujin.”
“Hyung…?”
“If you run straight that way, you’ll see a convenience store. Green sign. Go in there and ask them to call the police.”
“Why are you suddenly saying that?”
“And when the police come, tell them your home address and go back.”
“……”
“To your original house.”
