# Chapter 179
Lee Hwan couldn’t leave his room until nightfall. It wasn’t simply to avoid Taesung, but because he had a lot to think about.
At first, he compulsively recalled matters related to regression. Then he endlessly reviewed what needed to be done next, and if that wasn’t enough, he even remembered an incredibly delicious curry that had appeared somewhere in his regression memories.
But even after rushing through all those thoughts, everything ultimately led to contemplations about Taesung.
Did Kang Taesung like curry? He did eat everything without complaint. Since he didn’t seek out and enjoy spicy food, perhaps sweet things would be better to feed him.
Come to think of it, this guy seemed to have been getting frequent headaches recently. Having heard that caffeine was bad, he should remove coffee from his morning meals.
Thus, all his thoughts circled back to Taesung, and at the very end, Lee Hwan always recalled him quietly leaving the room.
The emotion that rippled in his eyes, and his back as he turned away without a trace of resentment at being ignored.
…He wasn’t sure. Lee Hwan just…
He liked him. Just having him nearby made him conscious enough to regulate his breathing for a long time now.
Whatever relationship they remained in, Taesung had already become someone more important and precious to Lee Hwan than anyone else. Even if he deliberately ignored his feelings, he couldn’t help but be swayed by Taesung’s every word and action.
But when he actually reached out, suddenly everything went white before his eyes. His limbs acted as if they belonged to someone else, moving awkwardly. And when he couldn’t handle it, he unconsciously turned away.
‘Is… everyone like this?’
Throughout his not-so-short life, Lee Hwan had never once dated anyone. When he was young, he wasn’t even aware of such things. He’d heard there were several kids who liked him, but that concept itself was unfamiliar.
Then after his parents passed away, dating was out of the question—just surviving itself was a challenge. After the day his uncle’s family didn’t even show up for his graduation ceremony, he spent any spare time working part-time jobs, not having the mind to fool around with anyone. He always drew the line at critical moments.
Then came his first soulmate. His perfect friend in every way.
Admiration, friendship, flutter… All emotions were so intertwined that he couldn’t define exactly what it was, but Lee Hwan liked even that.
On days when he would go to his house, he felt elated from early morning. Thinking about having meals with him, playing around, lying entangled on the sofa watching TV, and exchanging trivial conversations, he didn’t even mind some paperwork he usually disliked.
After going through gates, he typically rested at his house. So he wasn’t afraid of harsh battles. Because time spent relaxing with him was waiting at the end, sometimes going through gates itself became enjoyable.
‘Honestly, that’s a bit strange too.’
Yes. It seems he had thought even then about wanting to be held tight by him. After hurriedly erasing it from his mind, he sealed it with reasons like “because that guy’s body is warm like a heat pack,” but he actually knew that wasn’t the kind of wish one would have for a friend.
Moreover, the fact that the guy who accepted all that wasn’t just dreaming of a normal friendship either.
He was scared to dig deeper. Faced with his first deep relationship, Lee Hwan didn’t know what to do. So he buried it deeply. Knowing that he would wait indefinitely. Knowing that he wouldn’t push him away, but would stay within the boundaries where he felt comfortable.
That now returned as bewilderment and a hint of guilt.
‘Damn it.’
WHAM! As he banged his head hard, a sound like someone being hit came from the pillow. Through his darkened vision, Lee Hwan also recalled memories of wandering through monster fields, checking each other’s pulses.
Even then, he had always liked him. To the extent that it was okay for him to get hurt as long as Taesung was safe. Whether it was the same for Taesung, the memory that remained deeply etched in his mind was the image of him calling out with his stomach stained red with blood.
Perhaps he had known all along that he wouldn’t be rejected by him. He was just afraid of everything.
Finally, Lee Hwan asked himself a question he had never properly faced before.
‘If the monster wave hadn’t happened…’
And if they had been given overflowing time.
‘Would there have been progress eventually?’
What ending would they have met?
Their future together, abruptly cut off. If nothing had interfered with their lives, perhaps their relationship would have been different.
Certainly, Lee Hwan had been more leisurely partly because the very thought that the world would end up like that didn’t exist. Trusting Taesung, and also trusting the world that had somehow continued without collapsing after the gate generation.
Perhaps that’s why the memories right after the first regression were always punctuated with sorrowful emotions. Resentment towards Taesung who didn’t recognize him despite having trusted him so much. The sorrow of reality pushing him and eventually separating him from Taesung.
He hadn’t told Taesung, but when those memories emerged from the fragments, Lee Hwan sometimes found his eyes welling with tears. Just the assumption that he could disappear from his memory made his heart skip a beat.
Yet, had he dared to be leisurely because he had forgotten that incident due to regression? Taking his waiting for granted again.
By the time he finished thinking, the sun had set and the room had darkened. The uncurtained window outside sparkled like stars falling with electric lights.
Lee Hwan realized that he had spent the entire day on the bed thinking about Taesung.
‘Crazy…’
As he moved his stiffened body to go out the door, he saw the equally dark house interior. Not a single light was on. Wondering if perhaps Taesung had also stayed in his room all day, he checked his door, but not even a sliver of light leaked through the gap.
9 PM. He had been like that for quite a long time. It had been a while since he had been so immersed in thought in such a safe place that he didn’t even notice the time passing.
‘Phew…’
Actually, he hadn’t planned to stay this long. Thinking about it, after sending Taesung away like that and then locking himself in his room without a word, he must have felt quite hurt.
Somehow the light in his room was off too. Could he have left the house because of it?
But as Lee Hwan scratched his head and went to the living room, unexpectedly, he saw someone sitting like a statue on the sofa in the fallen darkness.
‘!’
Lee Hwan took a step back. His startled heart fluttered in response.
‘Kang Taesung…’
He was so deeply immersed in thought that he couldn’t even hear the sound, fixed in one place like a pillar of salt.
‘This guy, why is he there like that…’
The kitchen he glanced at was at least lit. Several dishes were placed on the brightly illuminated table. A considerable amount, not as if meant for one person, on slightly moist dishes as if they had been repeatedly heated and cooled.
Lee Hwan stood dumbly looking at it, then his words caught in his throat and his lips quivered.
‘…’
Could it be that he couldn’t bring himself to call him, and just waited there until he came out? Since they had always eaten together until now.
Though it had been a while since he finished thinking, his heart fluttered again. He took a deep breath, but it didn’t feel refreshing. As he turned his head, he saw Taesung still serenely lost in thought on the sofa.
A face without even a flicker of movement. He looked just like a person who had fallen asleep with his eyes open.
“…Kang Taesung.”
But when Lee Hwan approached him and called in a locked voice, surprisingly, his pupils slowly moved. Slowly, like a statue that had just received life.
His eyes widened slightly as if he had instinctively followed the sound before belatedly recognizing Lee Hwan. His shoulders moved to turn his body, and from there, his stiffened body began to loosen smoothly.
“…Joo Lee Hwan.”
After a long moment, his voice, calling in response, was calm and gentle. Lee Hwan didn’t answer and approached him further. A chill that rose with worry seemed to scratch down his back.
He was surprised to see Taesung so lost in thought for the first time. But what was even more startling was the fact that it looked too familiar.
This was already the 8th round of regression with only him having memories. During the seven rounds of regression unknown to Lee Hwan, how long had he been lost in his own thoughts alone?
‘Damn it.’
Thinking about that suddenly became unbearable. Lee Hwan looked at him for a while, then silently sat down beside Taesung. Then he rested his head on his shoulder.
It was better when he sat with his legs up, curling his body into a ball. Listening to Taesung’s breathing, a stillness that was somewhat more comfortable than before enveloped the living room.
“Why are you like this?”
Taesung, without answering, just turned his head and took a deep breath. Since the regression, he had often sniffed Lee Hwan’s scent like this. Even though he would smell familiar since he washed in the same bathroom with the same products in his house.
Though Lee Hwan thought it was strange, he didn’t stop him. Hadn’t there been quite frequent cases where each other’s body scent, warmth, and very existence were comforting?
Before long, Taesung slightly raised his hand and timidly fidgeted with the ends of Lee Hwan’s hair. Cautiously, as if afraid he might run away if he did more.
‘…’
In the end, Lee Hwan pressed his head more firmly onto Taesung’s shoulder. He also pressed his legs close to him to prevent Taesung from hesitating and withdrawing.
Then there was another long hesitation. After much deliberation, Lee Hwan opened his tightly closed mouth.
“I’m… just like that.”
The voice that burst out sounded unfamiliar, unlike his own. Lee Hwan gulped down saliva, making his Adam’s apple move greatly.
“Since I’ve hardly ever been close to anyone, I don’t know how proper relationships beyond friends or colleagues progress.”
Until getting a job, he didn’t even have decent friends, and afterward, everyone was just like distant serfs of Naru. Only Taesung had approached him with interest and gotten this close.
So he had never learned, and there was no one to teach him. The difference between a friend and something more seemed worlds apart, but whether one just leaped over it like a snake crossing a wall, or climbed up step by step like stairs…
“Until I understand and accept what I’m feeling, I can’t do anything. Just, that’s the kind of person I am.”
His voice trembled a little. He was more nervous now than when entering a narrow, dark gate.
He hadn’t intended to tell him all this in detail. Lee Hwan had always wanted to look good to him, not appear weak by revealing such an unpleasant past.
But the moment he opened his mouth, the stories he had accumulated flowed out like a confession. The aspects he had tightly concealed to become perfect alongside the seemingly perfect Taesung.
As he was biting his lips, suddenly his face felt warm. Taesung’s hand, which had been carefully touching just the ends of his hair, was now gently cradling Lee Hwan’s cheek.
“I know. I already know.”
His low voice vibrated through his body. His tone showed not a hint of resentment.
The calm face of Taesung, glimpsed sideways, was so familiar that Lee Hwan felt like they were back in those peaceful times before the regression when they used to joke around.
Somehow, it sounded like he had been waiting for him all along. From before the world roughly collapsed, when their lives were smooth, until now after repeated regressions.
Damn it. Thinking like that made him feel increasingly strange. His heart tickled again. He had always thought Taesung’s body was hot, but it seemed like he himself was the truly hot one.
Lee Hwan tried to calm down with several long, deep breaths, but finally gave up and slowly turned his body, placing his hand on Taesung’s thigh.
“What I mean is, so.”
“It’s okay, Lee Hwan. I just…”
And he completely turned his head to face him. As if disappointment had never existed, he once again held worry and understanding in his dark eyes.
The dense eyelashes below them. The sharp nose bridge and strong, sleek facial lines. The red lips that kept coming into focus clearly, as if enchanted.
Lee Hwan exhaled a moist breath as his insides tickled.
“I like you.”
A voice that escaped impulsively at the same time.
“I’ve been liking you.”
With those words, Lee Hwan grabbed Taesung’s shoulders and pulled his face towards himself.
