Declan didn’t answer for quite a while.
As the fiercely blowing wind subsided, the world became quiet for a moment. Though Declan’s silence made Henry’s insides even noisier.
As expected. He thinks it’s strange. It was when Henry, thinking that, tried to get up from his seat with an awkward smile.
“Who says that?”
A short, calm question came back. Henry, who turned around as if entranced, was at a loss for words at the cautious eyes that met his.
“Well…”
The man was focused on Henry’s words.
Henry’s pupils awkwardly wandered through the air. He had never directly heard the word “strange.”
But.
“There are things you can know without having to ask.”
Though it was something Henry brought out with difficulty, his face still showed incomprehension.
“How can you be certain of something you’ve never even asked about?”
“…Because it doesn’t fit.”
Henry spat out the words as if chewing and swallowing them.
Except for Declan Russell, no one had ever caught on that he liked the same sex. He had never told anyone either.
And yet, the moment Henry realized he had different preferences from others, he could naturally become aware of it.
The moment this secret is discovered, I’ll become a strange person.
“What do you think? Does it seem strange?”
Declan’s voice held neither disgust nor pity.
He threw the question at Henry as if he were a model student asking an additional question about something he didn’t understand during class.
“…I know how I look to others.”
“So what?”
“What do you mean ‘so what’? I’m the son of a church pastor, and I’m tall. Moreover, I’m not pretty like the homosexuals who appear in movies.”
Henry’s voice wavered anxiously as he continued answering his question. His head dropped toward the floor.
He was afraid, scared, and miserable.
Declan Russell was someone Henry Lowell disliked. No, he still disliked him.
The fact that he was revealing his long-held inner feelings to him made Henry weary. Then he shouldn’t speak, but at some point, he became unable to bear it without speaking.
Declan Russell had become the only person in the world to whom Henry Lowell revealed his true self.
Just because, even knowing his secret, he remained silent without blabbing about it.
He didn’t have the courage to look at Declan’s face. Henry squeezed his eyes shut and waited for his answer.
“Is that why you’re strange?”
Without betraying his wait, Declan, who opened his mouth, asked.
Even though he had just explained “the reason Henry Lowell is strange,” he still regarded Henry’s secret as insignificant.
“…It is strange.”
He said.
Henry’s head bowed a little deeper. His eyelids trembled.
His vision went dark.
It was a story he had already resolved to tell, knowing he might hear from him that it was strange.
That’s why, when he first brought it up, Henry locked the door on himself so he wouldn’t be hurt no matter what answer he heard.
He believed that way, he could be okay. Henry just wanted to confirm through him what others thought when looking at him.
But.
He wasn’t okay.
Henry clutched the grass within reach.
It seems I had expectations without realizing it. That Declan Russell might regard him as if it were nothing, that he might say it wasn’t strange.
Only after putting in enough strength to stiffen his neck could Henry barely open his mouth that wouldn’t easily part.
Pretending to be indifferent, he tried to give him an insincere question of agreement, “Right?”
“…It’s strange that you’re so desperately trying to hide what you like for such a trivial reason.”
One step ahead of Henry, he added.
“What?”
Henry, understanding his words a beat late, asked back.
“The parts you just mentioned aren’t all of you.”
He spoke in an extremely casual voice.
It seemed he hadn’t thought at all about what kind of ripple his thrown words would cause in Henry.
The strength left the hand that had been clutching the grass. Warmth circulated through his body that had grown cold.
His heart began to beat as if he had received a love confession.
“If people think you’re strange for that reason, then I must be a strange person too.”
Henry looked up at him blankly. A long time passed with their eyes meeting, and Declan turned his head first.
At his profile that somehow looked lonely, Henry found himself asking him without realizing it.
“What are you talking about? Why would you be?”
“Didn’t you just tell me that you’d be thought of as strange because you’re different from how you look on the outside?”
“That’s true, but…”
“I’m saying I’m the same. Like you.”
Declan Russell has a secret he must hide from others like me?
Henry felt doubt about what he understood. At Henry’s reaction, Declan let out a low laugh and said.
“And, even if it’s a bit strange, isn’t that okay?”
At his words, Henry hastily shut his mouth.
If I open my mouth, it feels like uncontrollable words will burst out.
Whether what he just said was a joke or sincere, and also what he was thinking when he said it.
He wanted to know the truth, but couldn’t ask. Somehow it felt like he shouldn’t ask.
The sound of his heart, which had been beating fast since some time ago, was now ringing noisily in his ears.
It was a single sentence that passed in an instant.
The short sentence that Declan had casually delivered without much thought got stuck in his throat. Henry couldn’t swallow what he heard and chewed on it over and over again.
His head was paralyzed by the words he had lightly thrown.
I know I’m strange, but I’m afraid of being regarded as strange.
There were days when he had to constantly strive to show he wasn’t different from others.
Because only that way could he live as Henry Lowell.
Sometimes it was overwhelming, but he couldn’t show it.
At such times, Henry spent countless nights keeping his mouth tightly shut and enduring it.
Because he was such a Henry, rather than the clumsy comfort of “you’re not strange,” those words that it was okay to be strange stuck in his mind.
It was as sweet as the hot chocolate he had drunk a moment ago. It felt like his whole body would melt and eventually be consumed by the ground.
At the same time, Henry Lowell realized.
That he had once again fallen into a terrible fever.
The hatred he had nurtured based on inferiority and jealousy had become affection.
The emotion that had created a gap under the name of hatred had somehow swelled up beyond control and grown in size.
Into a form that could no longer be called hatred.
Henry exhaled the breath he had been holding silently and closed his eyes.
I wish this night wouldn’t end. I wish time wouldn’t pass.
Thinking that.
***
The cold dawn air as day was breaking. On the asphalt wet with dew, the two shadows stretched out side by side following the streetlight.
Like when they departed, Henry was walking behind Declan.
Even though they had been walking for a full hour, he didn’t feel bored. Because he was busy observing the back of the person who had now come to grip and shake his heart.
Following the path they had descended, the two grabbed the pipe and climbed onto the roof. They immediately carefully lifted the window to Henry’s room and crossed over the windowsill.
Until both of them safely entered indoors and crossed over to the bed. The entire series of events flowed like water.
Because the red sun was just now rising, the inside of the room was still dark, and the air inside was slightly cool.
We’re safely back.
Not to Margaret, not to Richard. Not even to Veronica or Iris.
Henry breathed a sigh of relief at the fact that they had safely returned without being caught by anyone.
Declan confirmed that Henry had also smoothly entered the room following him. As if he had already forgotten what had happened during the dawn, he casually greeted Henry.
“Sleep well.”
…A greeting to sleep well when the sun is just now rising. A laugh came naturally at this first-time experience in his life.
Instead of answering, Henry nodded. In truth, it was closer to being unable to.
Because he was painfully realizing that the words “sleep well” could be this ticklish.
With the greeting finished, Declan soundlessly left Henry’s room. Not even the usual sound of footsteps could be heard.
Once again, in the quiet darkness, Henry was left alone.
Henry breathed in the stillness.
In the room, along with the night air of dawn, Declan’s scent remained faintly. Henry unknowingly traced and inhaled the smell remaining in the air, one by one.
Henry’s heart couldn’t become quiet. Far from settling down, as soon as he was left alone, it was churning even more.
Plop, Henry, who had been sitting on the bed, threw his upper body onto the bed as it was.
Declan’s words, that it was okay to be strange, kept circling in his head.
Unable to overcome his anxiety, this time he suddenly sprang up from the bed. He was extremely distracted, but it was okay since there was no one to nag at him anyway.
Standing in the middle of the room, Henry anxiously repeated dry-washing his face.
The face touching his palms was hot.
How could it be okay?
Can I believe the words that it’s okay to be strange?
The fear that one person’s kindness might become his everything spread deep in his chest.
Light shone into a world that had been terribly lonely.
Because that light happened to be Declan Russell, Henry realized that this time too, he wouldn’t be able to show the brightened part of his heart forever.
Feelings that cannot be confessed to the other person will meet their end as a terrible scar.
At the fever that came without warning, Henry Lowell became lonely again.
