At that moment, I had a vague idea of why Cha Hyunwoo’s cheek was bruised. Cha Hyunwoo confirmed my suspicion in a monotone voice.
“My father asked if I was still going around meeting men, so I said yes.”
“Ah…”
“Voices were raised. My father is the type who raises his children strongly anyway, and he’s also the type who can’t look favorably on his only son meeting men, and anyway. So that’s what happened. He’s still vigorous even at his age.”
I couldn’t say anything because Cha Hyunwoo’s expression saying all this looked so devastated.
“That’s all it is. There won’t be any family gatherings for a while, so it’s okay.”
“Should I apply medicine for you?”
At my question, Cha Hyunwoo nodded and brought a first aid kit from home. I applied ointment to a cotton swab and gently applied it to his split lip. Since a scab had already formed, it didn’t seem like it would be particularly effective, but I still hoped this ointment would have at least some effect.
“Don’t you have medicine for bruises or anything?”
“I don’t have anything like that.”
At Cha Hyunwoo’s words, I brought the back of my hand to Cha Hyunwoo’s cheek. As if there was heat on the bruised area, the cheek touching my hand was warm.
“Hyun-ah.”
Cha Hyunwoo called me. When I turned my eyes to meet his gaze, Cha Hyunwoo carefully grabbed my wrist and lowered it. I noticed the opposite cheek from the bruise had turned red. …Surely the bruised cheek would have been like that too normally.
“…Your hand.”
“…I’m sorry.”
“No.”
Cha Hyunwoo moved his mouth as if he had something to say for a long while. I was curious what he would say, but what Cha Hyunwoo said after a long while was this:
“…Let’s eat something.”
After saying that, Cha Hyunwoo immediately got up from the sofa and went to the kitchen. I watched Cha Hyunwoo’s back for a moment, then followed him in.
***
Cha Hyunwoo simply heated up and served food. It was the result of barely stopping him from cooking. However, Cha Hyunwoo wasn’t really focusing on eating.
“Does it hurt?”
“…Hm? No. Is it good?”
“It’s good.”
Since Cha Hyunwoo’s mind seemed to be elsewhere, I stopped trying to say anything more and just ate the food. Though I’d come looking for him impulsively because I was worried about Cha Hyunwoo, it would be overstepping to add more talk about family matters. …Plus, knowing that Cha Hyunwoo liked me, I didn’t want to cross the line any further.
“I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“Actually, there was nothing good about asking so impulsively… Maybe you didn’t want to talk about this kind of thing, but I was a bit pushy.”
Cha Hyunwoo listened to my words and subtly furrowed his brows. Then he put down his spoon and suddenly pushed back my bangs with one hand. Cha Hyunwoo’s hand held plain worry.
“…Hyun-ah. I think you’re being strange.”
At Cha Hyunwoo’s out-of-the-blue words, I reflexively asked back:
“What?”
Cha Hyunwoo still had a worried face. Worried? Rather, in this situation, I should have been worrying about Cha Hyunwoo, yet he was.
After hesitating for a moment, Cha Hyunwoo said to me:
“You’ve been acting like your mind is somewhere else the whole time. Is something wrong?”
…Something wrong? There were plenty of things wrong. The world had suddenly turned upside down. And the only clue I thought I’d grasped had hidden away again before I could properly dig into it. Eun Haejin, Jung Yoonseo, and even Cha Hyunwoo in front of me were all completely different from the original work, and all of it had happened because of the butterfly effect that was just me. Even though I wasn’t such a great person to influence everyone.
I’d thought I roughly knew everything, but in reality I didn’t know anything at all. The belief that if I developed the story according to the original’s pattern I’d eventually return felt ridiculous. Even though there was clearly nothing to be tired about, my body was tired.
I suddenly felt like I’d been left alone in a completely unfamiliar space. If this was my mind being ‘somewhere else’…
I was being strange right now.
Without realizing it, I seemed to have been gnawing on my lips. Cha Hyunwoo’s finger slipped between my lips to prevent them from bleeding. I raised my head to meet Cha Hyunwoo’s gaze. The sense of reality came very slowly.
“Is there something that’s not going the way you think? You didn’t even know you were being strange until I told you.”
“…Me?”
Only then did a stinging pain come from my bitten lips.
Thinking about it, it was natural. Without even realizing it myself, I seemed to have fallen into a strange delusion that I was judging the situation as an objective person. A hollow laugh escaped. Well, I couldn’t be an objective person.
Without knowing it, my threshold for strange things itself had risen, so I’d vaguely thought I was okay.
“…I don’t know. Some strange things have been happening lately, but there’s no way for me to know, and I’m worried about it and I think I’m a bit complicated.”
“Is it something you can change right now?”
“No, no.”
“Is it serious? Family matters or health, studies, or graduation? …Friend problems?”
“No, no. It’s not something that has to be resolved right now. But just…”
“Then how about trying to relax a bit more? I don’t know if I’m in a position to say this, but.”
Cha Hyunwoo was right. There was nothing I could solve by agonizing over it right now. Even though it was an obvious fact, I seemed to have just been buried in the situation. After hearing from another person’s perspective how strange I’d been, it became an opportunity to reflect on my own state instead.
“I guess I’ve been overwhelmed.”
I honestly admitted it.
“Can you tell me what’s going on?”
I briefly fixed my gaze on Cha Hyunwoo’s finger still positioned near my lips. Cha Hyunwoo also seemed to realize the position of his hand only then and hurriedly moved it away. I stared at Cha Hyunwoo quietly, then nodded. And immediately added:
“But not now—I’ll tell you after I know a bit more in detail.”
“If it’s hard to answer, you don’t have to tell me.”
Cha Hyunwoo said calmly. I chuckled and shook my head.
“I’ll tell you.”
I wanted to tell Cha Hyunwoo someday too. But I couldn’t answer now. Cha Hyunwoo looked at my expression and nodded. When the corners of Cha Hyunwoo’s mouth went up even slightly, I felt somewhat relieved.
“Don’t smile. Your lip will split open again.”
“Okay.”
Well, that was one thing, but Cha Hyunwoo getting hurt was a different problem. I sighed and said:
“I hope you don’t get hurt.”
“Hm?”
“By your father. Even though I’ve never really had conversations with my father so I don’t know well. I don’t know your father… I just hope you don’t get hurt. You can like men. That’s not wrong.”
Cha Hyunwoo listened to my words and moved his mouth as if he had something to say. Without realizing it, I felt myself getting tense.
However, Cha Hyunwoo ultimately didn’t say anything.
***
“Then I’ll be going.”
“Okay. I said I’d drive you.”
“I’m going to walk for exercise.”
“Should I walk with you?”
“Please just rest.”
I declined Cha Hyunwoo’s offer to drive me and just walked home. While walking quite a long distance, I clearly organized my thoughts.
When I actually thought about it, there wasn’t much to it. Find out, and tell. It was natural. Of course, I didn’t know how long it would take to find out, or whether I’d be able to know completely, but it seemed I could just talk about exactly that much. Whether the other person would accept it after that wasn’t something that would be solved by worrying about it now, nor was it something I could control.
“It’s simpler than I thought.”
I muttered without realizing it. I stretched once and calmly entered my home. Once I decided not to worry about things I couldn’t control, my mind felt at ease.
I simply washed up, cleaned the house, then crawled into bed. I suddenly became curious about Lee Hyun. From what kind of person he was to where he might be now. But this too wasn’t something I could know by worrying about it.
***
Time passed quickly. It had already been two weeks since Eun Haejin became a new employee at J Company. Since Eun Haejin had been hit with overtime and company dinners from his first month, it was hard to see his face. Occasionally when I finished closing and Eun Haejin also finished work, we’d talk on the phone.
“Hey, Haejin. Nothing special happened today?”
[…A lot happened… Fuck.]
On my way home after finishing closing, Eun Haejin called me, and when I answered, Eun Haejin’s voice seemed a bit different from usual. His pronunciation seemed to be slurring too… Is he maybe?
