I should go to a deserted island. Preferably somewhere far from Seoul.
I wanted to avoid passenger ships. The reason I wanted somewhere I could drive to if possible was also because I didn’t want to leave traces.
After going in like that and settling on an island, meeting people and building relationships, I gradually moved to smaller and smaller islands. They were places with no hospitals, where most of the residents were grandmothers and grandfathers, but I actually liked it for that reason. The affectionate elderly people launched boats themselves for the poor pregnant omega and took me to islands where they had acquaintances. Thanks to that, I could move around without leaving traces.
Yet even so, every time I left an island, I left behind one of my belongings. While not wanting to leave traces of my movement for fear Yoo Seonjae would find me, I left behind objects containing our memories one by one for fear Yoo Seonjae would forget me.
It’s funny how I, who left on my own, was afraid Yoo Seonjae would forget me and didn’t know what to do. Shameless and brazen.
“But still, I… I hope Seonjae finds me.”
Muttering to the baby in my belly, I wrote in a diary every day. How boring and quiet my daily life without Yoo Seonjae was. And how much I was thinking of and loving Yoo Seonjae.
I was also afraid that during the time apart from him, I might forget him. So I have to record it. This current emotion, these feelings—I had to pour it all into the diary so I could clearly remember it in the future and not repeat it again.
Whether because of imprinting or pregnancy, I didn’t know, but the physical pain got worse day by day. I vomited even eating a little, got dizzy even moving a little, and often collapsed. In the midst of that, I was still hungry, so when mealtime came, I ate things like gimbap or bread, and even that I vomited once my hunger subsided. I had no energy at all. I was scared that I might die before giving birth to the baby.
Regardless of my condition, the baby in my belly grew vigorously. Occasionally when I received treatment from public health center people who came to the island, they said the baby was healthy. I was fortunate. How could there be anything more fortunate than the baby remaining healthy without any particular problems even after several months passed?
“Choco, I’m really glad at least you’re healthy.”
At my words while patting my belly, I felt something move softly near my navel.
“…Huh?”
The subtle feeling of movement, like a water droplet bursting, gradually became clearer. It was fetal movement.
“Ah, Choco.”
Tears poured out. Can I be somewhat relieved now? I cried and smiled with joy while caressing my belly.
I tried. I was happy that heaven seemed to acknowledge my efforts. After crying and laughing like that for a long time, I missed Yoo Seonjae again.
“Seonjae, sob, Seonjae.”
After crying like that, when I thought there really wasn’t much time left, I was overcome with sleepiness. And when I woke from sleep, I had forgotten everything.
Not knowing who I was, I met Kim Yeonghyo and came to the mainland, met Dr. Yeonwoo without recognizing him and built a new connection. I went up to Seoul and met Yoo Seonjae, and pathetically, not remembering anything, I hurt Yoo Seonjae again.
“Even after meeting again, Seonjae loved me.”
Even though I didn’t remember anything, I clung to one word Seonjae said and abandoned him and ran away again.
Now, it’s really time to go back. To my Seonjae who has been waiting for me all this time, together with our child.
*
“…Seon, jae.”
“Yeoul! Are you coming to?”
A heavily cracked voice calls for me. I was continuously anxious watching Han Yeoul not waking up for longer than expected. What if Han Yeoul can’t open his eyes like this? If he leaves just me and the child behind…
Even though it couldn’t be, bad thoughts kept forcing their way into my head, so I held the hand of Han Yeoul lying with his eyes closed and prayed and prayed again.
To come back quickly. To come back quickly to where the child and I are waiting. That even if he still doesn’t remember me, it’s okay, just come back safely.
“Seonjae.”
Moisture mixed into the voice calling me. Han Yeoul’s heavily swollen face looking at me after barely opening his eyes is so pitiful. I answered while stroking Han Yeoul’s face.
“Yeah, I’m here.”
Han Yeoul looked at me for a long time feeling my touch, and tears welled up in his eyes.
“Seonjae.”
“Yeah, Yeoul.”
Han Yeoul couldn’t say anything and just kept calling my name, but I could tell what he wanted to say. Because in those eyes looking at me, I was fully contained again.
Not Han Yeoul who had forgotten me and looked at me with empty eyes, but Han Yeoul whose eyes brimming with tears were filled full of me—I gently kissed his eyes. Hot tears flowed down from Han Yeoul’s eye corners.
“Why are you crying? If you cry now, your eyes will get bad.”
My voice trembled too as I smiled and wiped away his tears. I don’t know how long it’s been since Han Yeoul and I faced each other like this.
“I’m sorry, Seonjae.”
“…”
“Running away like that, forgetting all about you.”
“Yeoul, shh. It’s okay. Don’t cry, don’t cry. Okay?”
“I’m sorry, Seonjae.”
Making a mockery of my words not to cry, Han Yeoul sobbed loudly. Tears came to me too, so I deliberately opened my eyes wide and tried to smile while wiping Han Yeoul’s tears.
“I was scared.”
Han Yeoul’s voice trembled as he spoke between sobs.
“Even knowing you would never be that kind of person, Seonjae, I was scared you’d tell me to get rid of the baby.”
“Yeoul.”
“We even wrote a contract saying we wouldn’t have children. That was our marriage condition.”
I didn’t know that contract I wrote for Han Yeoul’s sake would leave such a big wound on him. If I’d known it would be like this, I wouldn’t have written that damn contract.
“No, Yeoul. There were no conditions to our marriage. That was just… I stubbornly insisted on it to put your mind at ease.”
“I know that too, I know—”
Han Yeoul sobs. My heart aches. I released a little pheromone while wiping Han Yeoul’s tears. As if calming down a bit, Han Yeoul’s crying subsided.
“After hearing why you dislike children, Seonjae, I wasn’t certain.”
“Certain of what?”
“Certain that you’d welcome the baby.”
“…”
“Plus, since I’m extreme heat, they said the probability of losing the baby was high, and giving birth itself would be difficult—”
“Yeoul.”
My heart aches. In the end, I gave Han Yeoul no faith. Not as a lover, not as a husband. And not as the baby’s father either.
“It’s your child—how could I have any reason not to welcome it?”
“…Seonjae.”
“It’s our child. It’s our child that you and I made—how could I reject the baby?”
I pulled Han Yeoul into my arms and patted him gently. The sobbing that had subsided became intense again.
“Thank you, Yeoul.”
“Sob, hic.”
“Thank you for enduring well.”
Han Yeoul sobs again. I gently patted his back and caressed Han Yeoul. I’ve finally embraced him. My Yeoul, my one and only omega.
“Welcome home, honey.”
After confirming Han Yeoul had fallen asleep, just when I’d left the hospital room to go look at the baby in the newborn nursery.
“Seonjae.”
“…Yeonwoo hyung.”
Hyung Yeonwoo was waiting for me in front of the hospital room. He had a haggard face. I only then realized that as much as Han Yeoul had struggled, Hyung Yeonwoo must have struggled too.
“You worked hard, Yeonwoo hyung.”
“What hard work?”
A heavy atmosphere seeped between us. Even though we’d exchanged greetings over the phone, now that we were facing each other, it was still awkward.
“Want to talk?”
Hyung Yeonwoo broke the silence first and asked. I nodded lightly and followed Hyung Yeonwoo. Looking at Hyung Yeonwoo’s back heading to the sky garden connected to the lounge, I fell into thought.
During that time, as much as Han Yeoul and I experienced turmoil in our hearts, Hyung Yeonwoo must have spent painful time too. He must have barely endured and suppressed that painful time he wouldn’t have had to experience if not for me.
“I’m sorry, Hyung.”
Hyung Yeonwoo stopped walking and stood still in that spot. To Hyung Yeonwoo’s back without turning around, I conveyed words of apology once more.
“Because of me, Hyung experienced difficult times you didn’t have to. I should have apologized properly then, but I couldn’t. I’m sorry.”
Hyung Yeonwoo turned around and looked at me. Hyung’s expression was peaceful, different from what I thought.
