Han Yeoul, who didn’t even remember me, with those characters pressed down firmly with feeling, ultimately made me crumble.
I wanted to run to Han Yeoul right away. Just when I was about to stand up, unable to wait any longer even though I said I’d wait slowly.
My phone rang loudly. I couldn’t answer the phone for a while and just stared at the name ‘Oh Yeonwoo’ on the screen. It was because I had an uneasy premonition.
“Yeonwoo hyung.”
When I barely answered, at the news Hyung Yeonwoo conveyed in an urgent voice, I left the workshop as if bursting out.
—Labor has started.
Those words were like a signal flare to run to Han Yeoul. There was no longer any reason to wait, no reason to suppress my heart and turn away.
“Uncle Irang, Geumsan Island. Please find out the ferry schedule to Geumsan Island.”
Gripping the steering wheel and heading to Incheon Port, I called Uncle Irang. I had to hurry to Han Yeoul. Not long after, I got a reply from Uncle Irang, but it was hopeless. The ferry going to Geumsan Island today was already cut off.
I urgently stopped the car and racked my brain. What should I do? What should I do to get to Han Yeoul right now?
“Uncle, helicopter. What about a helicopter?”
—Seonjae. The helicopter is somewhere else right now.
“Then what should I do? Can you at least look into a private boat?”
In my urgency, I unknowingly pressed Uncle Irang. Even though the uncle wouldn’t be relaxed in this situation either. That’s when it happened.
“Oh, Uncle. Wait a moment, I have a missed call.”
It was second hyung. Hyung, who normally had no reason to call, called me. Right, if it’s hyung, he might have some method. I quickly pressed the call button.
“Hyung!”
—Yoo Seonjae, we’re transferring Yeoul.
As soon as I answered the phone, I couldn’t easily understand what second hyung was saying and asked back blankly.
“What?”
—Yeoul. We’re transferring him to Hankook University Hospital. I heard from Yeonwoo. We’re going to dispatch the doctor helicopter right now. So you, hurry and come to our hospital.
“Seonjae, are you okay?”
Looking at me pacing back and forth restlessly, Uncle Irang asked. I roughly nodded and Uncle Irang sighed watching me continue to move.
“Well, how could you be okay?”
Han Yeoul and Hyung Yeonwoo, who came by helicopter, entered the operating room as soon as we made eye contact. Even though I knew that male omega births were always by surgery, I kept getting anxious thinking something might go wrong.
Uncle Irang and second hyung both tried to reassure me that it would be okay, but the trembling didn’t easily disappear.
“Both Yeonwoo and the obstetrics doctor who just went in are all skilled specialists in our hospital.”
Second hyung sighed and said.
“You, don’t you trust Yeonwoo?”
Even though I knew he was saying it for my sake, second hyung’s voice was so sharp that I unknowingly frowned.
“Don’t worry. Yeoul and the baby will be fine.”
Second hyung looked straight at me and said. Hyung’s eyes were directed entirely at me. Those eyes were so strong that I could only nod.
“Yeonwoo is trying his hardest. He doesn’t want to… lose a child twice.”
Doesn’t want to lose twice. It seemed like second hyung’s will was also contained in those words, so I ended up bursting into tears.
“I’m sorry.”
I finally convey with feeling the words I couldn’t say for so long.
“I’m sorry, Hyung.”
Second hyung just patted my back without saying anything. It’s okay, everything’s okay. It was as if he was saying that.
“I’m sorry, Hyung.”
To the apology I could only keep repeating, hyung answered with a patting hand. It’s okay, everything’s okay.
“Han Yeoul-ssi’s guardian?”
In that moment, as the operating room opened and a voice called for me, my mind went blank. I didn’t hear the baby’s voice, so anxiety struck me, wondering if something had gone wrong.
“Over here.”
When I barely moved my trembling legs and approached the nurse, she said with a brightly smiling face.
“Congratulations. It’s a son. You’ll be able to know the expected trait type in a week during the newborn checkup. The professor, patient, and baby will come out soon. Please wait a moment.”
“Ah… thank you.”
As I watched the nurse’s back as she turned and entered the operating room again, my legs gave out and I collapsed right there.
“Seonjae!”
Uncle Irang was startled and supported me as I collapsed.
“I’m, I’m fine. I just relaxed a bit.”
Looking at me barely standing while leaning on Uncle Irang, second hyung’s face, which always seemed rigid, gradually relaxed, and then he smiled broadly. It was truly the first time in a long while I’d seen hyung’s smiling face.
The moment I saw that smiling face, it felt like all the knots coiled deep in my heart melted away. I could finally clearly feel that my sincere apology had already reached second hyung.
It was me who couldn’t let go of my heart, who couldn’t approach hyung. Getting close to hyung again was such an easy thing, so why had I been afraid of it?
“Congratulations, Yoo Seonjae.”
“Hyung.”
My vision blurred. Second hyung stretched out his arm and thoroughly messed up my hair.
“Thanks for making me an uncle.”
*
I had a dream.
In the dream, I was heading somewhere. I couldn’t know exactly where it was, but one thing I could know for certain was that my heart ached.
“Seonjae… I’m sorry.”
I kept crying while calling Yoo Seonjae’s name. I didn’t know whether I spoke the name out loud or just thought it inside, but I kept thinking of Yoo Seonjae.
Riding the bus, riding the boat, while walking—the whole time I only thought of Yoo Seonjae.
After moving for a long time and reaching a familiar room, I realized this dream was the memory I had lost.
As soon as I arrived at the room, I unpacked. There wasn’t much to unpack. Just one backpack was all.
I looked in the mirror. The me in the mirror had a much more haggard face than now. I couldn’t know exactly whether I hadn’t slept or hadn’t eaten, but with hollow eyes and sunken cheeks, I looked like a patient to anyone.
I dry-washed my face and sat down as if collapsing, taking deep breaths. I felt sick. Bile kept rising. After swallowing several times, I couldn’t bear it and ran into the bathroom. I vomited what was in my stomach and sat on the floor, crying for a long time.
Memories flooded my mind. After telling Yoo Seonjae I wanted a divorce, I immediately left home and went straight to the company to submit my resignation. Leaving behind the confused people who didn’t know what was going on, I immediately took a bus to Incheon.
I paid for everything in cash. Because I thought Yoo Seonjae might track my card usage and come find me.
I thought I shouldn’t leave traces. For the baby’s sake, and for our sake. The divorce was also words thrown out for that purpose. No matter what, it was certain Yoo Seonjae would search for me. But as long as we were divorcing, Yoo Seonjae would ponder the reason or hesitate for a moment, afraid to face me when he thought my feelings had changed.
Even though I vowed again and again not to have lingering attachment since I’d decided to leave like this, my head was full of thoughts of Yoo Seonjae and tears kept flowing. How ridiculous. I wasn’t the one abandoned—it was Yoo Seonjae.
The first place I went was Yeongjong Island. Since I’m afraid of the sea, even Yoo Seonjae wouldn’t think I’d run away near the ocean. Still anxious all the same, as soon as I got off the bus, I reset my phone and threw it in the trash.
I was anxious that Yoo Seonjae might find me, but what made me most anxious was the fact that I might return to Yoo Seonjae. If I kept looking at my phone, I kept missing Yoo Seonjae. I couldn’t help it. The phone was full of our memories, so no matter how I scrolled, it was all Yoo Seonjae.
I knew better than anyone that if I kept looking at Yoo Seonjae’s face like that, I’d eventually press the call button. So I shouldn’t hold it in my hand.
I stayed one night at a guesthouse near the beach. I didn’t plan to stay there long. I was going to go further south. At first, I thought about going to the airport like this and leaving for overseas. But then my movement route would be recorded, and it was obvious it would only be a matter of time before Yoo Seonjae found me. And the more immediate problem was my condition.
Contrary to my plan to leave quickly, I stayed there for a week. It was because my physical state wasn’t one where I could move.
I recalled Dr. Yeonwoo’s words that most extreme heat omegas miscarry their children. Is this how it happens? Losing the baby while my condition collapses and I languish like this?
I’m scared.
