The words I couldn’t put in the letter scattered into the air.
I sent every single letter I wrote to Han Yeoul without fail. I deliberately didn’t write my name. I didn’t want to burden Han Yeoul. I only hoped that my small daily reminiscences would become new memories for Han Yeoul.
Writing letters to Han Yeoul had now become the most important part of my daily routine. After finishing work, I open the window before writing a letter. When the smell of wood that had filled the space escapes and outside air comes in, I take a deep breath and then begin writing the letter.
I couldn’t work long today. It seemed to be because I hadn’t slept. When I’m in the workshop, Han Yeoul’s absence doesn’t feel that significant, but at home it was unavoidable.
Since Han Yeoul left the house, I hadn’t slept in our bedroom. I kept sleeping in the room Han Yeoul used alone before we got married. That room where Han Yeoul had been confined until recently still had his pheromones remaining.
The more nights continued where I searched for Han Yeoul while feeling his traces, the more I couldn’t sleep. It was hard to fall asleep. I felt like if I fell asleep like that, even the little remaining scent of Han Yeoul would disappear.
But I didn’t write such stories in my letters. I tried to write only ordinary stories in my letters as much as possible.
—The letters sent to Yeoul are from you, right, Seonjae?
Through a phone call from Hyung Yeonwoo a while ago, I learned that Han Yeoul was reading every letter without fail. Even without writing my name, Han Yeoul recognized my handwriting immediately.
—I’m not certain, but it seems memories are vaguely returning. It’s probably because the due date is approaching.
My heart beat fast at Hyung Yeonwoo’s words. Han Yeoul is gradually remembering me. With just that fact alone, I felt like I could wait a hundred years.
I carefully folded the letter I’d pressed down hard while writing and put it in my bag. I stopped by the post office, mailed the letter, and moved on. I had somewhere to go today.
‘Han Furniture’.
I stood still and looked at the name on the wooden nameplate hanging on the building wall. A modest building with just a nameplate hanging there without a sign. It was the company run by Han Yeoul’s father.
I finally had the courage to visit Han Yeoul’s father, whom I’d deliberately avoided while searching for Han Yeoul all this time. As soon as I took a deep breath, opened the door and entered, my eyes met with Han Yeoul’s father who was pacing by the door.
“Ah, hello.”
“Oh, Seonjae. You came.”
We awkwardly exchanged greetings. I followed Han Yeoul’s father as he silently moved his feet to the reception room. Han Yeoul’s father, who brought me a cup of warm tea, quietly looked at me for a while without saying anything.
“Are you okay?”
Before answering, I thought for a moment. Should I say I’m okay? Could I say my current state was okay?
But I eventually said it.
“Yes.”
Looking at me answering briefly, afraid my throat would choke up if I spoke longer, Han Yeoul’s father nodded with sympathetic eyes.
“It would have been good if we knew Yeoul was pregnant, both you and me.”
“…”
“What’s with cutting off contact even from his father? That harsh kid.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s not something you should be sorry about, Seonjae. It’s my fault for not being a father he could trust and rely on in that situation.”
“No, Father.”
Han Yeoul’s father hung his head and said nothing for a long time.
“Dr. Oh Yeonwoo is gradually informing me about Yeoul’s condition.”
“Yes.”
“It’s fortunate though, isn’t it, that Dr. Oh is beside Yeoul.”
“…I should have been there. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t say such things.”
His throat must have been dry as Han Yeoul’s father took a sip of tea.
“I also thought Yeoul wouldn’t be able to have children. No, I hoped he wouldn’t. Because I knew better than anyone what happens when an extreme heat omega has a child.”
“…”
“I should have been honest with him. I feel like I didn’t know enough about Yeoul even though he’s my child.”
Han Yeoul’s father, who sighed and tried to hide his reddened eyes, was pitiful.
“He’s a child strong enough to handle everything, but I just thought of him as a very fragile child. It’s all my fault.”
“It’s okay, Father. Yeoul is enduring well, so don’t worry.”
Han Yeoul’s father smiled slightly and nodded.
“You’re not thinking of going to see Yeoul?”
“Not right now. Even if I go, I don’t think it would help Yeoul much.”
“His memory still isn’t complete?”
“…”
“I even think I should be grateful for the side effect coming in that way. At least Yeoul and the baby are healthy.”
“Yes.”
“He must have had a really hard time before losing his memory, but I’m glad he endured well. If Yeoul couldn’t endure it and something went wrong, I would really—”
“Father.”
“I’m sorry. You must be having the hardest time, Seonjae.”
“No. There will only be good things from now on.”
“Right. Let’s believe that.”
I repeated the words I said while comforting Han Yeoul’s father. Only good things will happen. Really… could that be possible?
After leaving Han Furniture, on the way home, I stopped by the columbarium. I stayed for a long time at the columbarium where second hyung and Hyung Yeonwoo’s child was laid to rest.
A place I didn’t tell Han Yeoul about, a place that made me reflect on my mistakes.
A place I visited in neat attire on the child’s death anniversary without Han Yeoul knowing, because I didn’t want to show him me struggling with guilt in front of the child who died because of me.
One day when Han Yeoul asked where I was going dressed up like that, I actually wanted to confess everything to Han Yeoul. That Hyung Yeonwoo lost his child because of me, and that second hyung was also deeply hurt.
The words I couldn’t say in the end for lack of courage seemed to have brought about today’s result. It felt like our today was the result of hiding my pathetic self that I didn’t want Han Yeoul to see.
“Hello, baby.”
I opened my mouth with a heavy heart in front of the nameless baby’s columbarium.
“I’m sorry. As always, today too.”
The surging sadness finally fully hit me. I felt like I could now understand Hyung Yeonwoo and second hyung’s sadness just a little.
“Thank you for sending Dad back to Uncle Yeoul.”
He couldn’t hear, but I wanted to convey these words.
“I’ll definitely protect your younger sibling no matter what. I’ll make your dads smile again too.”
The call from Hyung Yeonwoo came when I’d just arrived home and finished showering.
“Oh, Hyung.”
—Hello, Seonjae.
A voice mixed with wind reached my ear.
“Are you outside?”
—Yeah. The breakwater.
“Is Yeoul there too?”
—We were together until a little while ago, then he went inside saying it was cold.
“Okay.”
Laughter was mixed in Hyung Yeonwoo’s voice.
—He comes every day lately.
“Really?”
—Today Yeoul talked about you.
I stopped drying my hands. My heart stung a little at the words that Han Yeoul talked about me.
“What did he say?”
—The letter you sent. He said he’s glad Seonjae seems to be doing well.
“…Yeah.”
—Even though he hasn’t remembered you yet, it seems like he thinks about you all day.
Heat gathered in my eyelids. I just nodded without answering Hyung Yeonwoo’s words right away, feeling like tears would keep coming. Even though he couldn’t see.
Hyung Yeonwoo told me what Han Yeoul did today, where he walked, what expressions he made. He kept telling me about Han Yeoul even when I didn’t answer.
As if he knew I endured each day by listening to it.
It’s okay even if Han Yeoul still doesn’t remember me. Even if he forgot all of our past, Han Yeoul knows about our present.
That alone is enough. Since I vowed not to rush, waiting for Han Yeoul slowly. That was all I had to do.
Han Yeoul’s reply came several days later. Recipient Yoo Seonjae. I stared endlessly at the envelope with only that written, without the sender’s name.
I could tell even without a sender. It’s Han Yeoul. It’s a letter sent by my Yeoul.
How could I not recognize it? Han Yeoul’s handwriting that I’ve been with for a lifetime.
My hands were urgent in tearing the envelope but trembled so much that I couldn’t take out the letter easily. The letter I finally managed to tear open and take out was just one page. But after reading the letter, I ended up sobbing.
The words written in the letter were just one phrase.
[I miss you.]
