Goodbye, My Person
I stared at my phone screen the entire time. A red dot blinked on the map.
“He didn’t go far.”
Han Yeoul was not far from Hankook University Hospital.
Embarrassingly, Han Yeoul had run away again. He pretended to get on the elevator with me, then pushed me aside and escaped swiftly. I never imagined I’d lose Han Yeoul right before my eyes like that.
My heart crumbled.
Even if he didn’t remember me, it didn’t matter. As long as Han Yeoul was by my side, that was enough. Since they said it was temporary, it was something that would resolve with time anyway.
Eventually, he would remember me, so I vowed that once he safely gave birth, I would care for him well so he’d never think of leaving my side again.
It pained me to have to confine Han Yeoul, but there was no choice. Han Yeoul, who didn’t remember me, believed we had completely separated. I knew from experience that he could leave me at any time.
Han Yeoul wasn’t as fragile as I thought. I didn’t know when he was in my arms. I was so blinded by love that I didn’t properly understand what kind of person Han Yeoul was. Han Yeoul was cold enough to mercilessly abandon me clinging to him and leave.
If he abandoned me once, why couldn’t he do it twice?
So confining him was an unavoidable, natural choice. I don’t regret that. However, my mistake was trusting Han Yeoul too much.
The night he opened his body to me and cried out in ecstasy, I was certain. That Han Yeoul had truly returned to me. Even though he left his memories behind, I selfishly believed he still loved me and thought of me.
I overlooked that I meant nothing to Han Yeoul—that he was calculated enough to put his partner at ease and exploit that gap to escape. I didn’t think he’d use his body to seduce me and do something like that.
To Han Yeoul without memories, I was nothing more or less than a dangerous alpha he had to flee from.
Getting my phone back from me when I let my guard down, pretending to go to the hospital together while setting up an escape route. Planning everything in advance and running away—what was that expression about?
Right before pushing me and running away, Han Yeoul looked at me with a face that seemed about to cry. Even though I was the one who really wanted to cry, my heart ached so much at Han Yeoul’s face that I couldn’t even cry.
“Ha…”
Ironically, just being together for a few days made the physical symptoms from the pheromone abnormality disappear completely. The hospital diagnosed that my pheromone cycle had begun to stabilize again thanks to the pheromone showers I received from Han Yeoul during that time and our intercourse right before we parted.
As my condition returned to normal, my head cleared. Accordingly, it became easier to assess my situation.
Why did Han Yeoul run away from me again?
He definitely said it was okay. That even though he was confined, it was spacious compared to where he lived before, and there was nothing uncomfortable. Moreover, Han Yeoul wanted me. Though he tried to hold back until the end, it was Han Yeoul who seduced me.
I endured the whole time, thinking he wouldn’t be pleased about being held by an alpha he didn’t even remember, especially having relations while pregnant. I held back wanting to embrace Han Yeoul countless times and just tried to stabilize myself by feeling his pheromones beside him.
I didn’t need to do anything. Just the fact that Han Yeoul was beside me made me feel like I had the whole world. The time spent with Han Yeoul felt like a dream, to the extent that the months I spent searching for him felt distant.
But was I the only one who felt that way after all?
For a while, I had Han Yeoul’s phone. I confined him, cut him off from the outside world, and tried to monitor him until he remembered me. Han Yeoul’s phone without any trace of me was as unfamiliar as his changed phone number.
When we first got phones, we combined each other’s birthdays to make our numbers. Combining my birthday, July 9th, and Han Yeoul’s birthday, May 2nd, we made 5279. That was our phone number. Even when our phone numbers changed several times, the last four digits remained unchanged as 5279.
010-XXXX-5678.
I stared at Han Yeoul’s number for a long time and let out a hollow laugh. A meaningless string of numbers. Really, you don’t remember anything, our Yeoul.
There was nothing on the phone. Not even a single photo. All there was were Kim Yeonghyo’s number and one other phone number.
When I saw that number, I couldn’t help but laugh. It was Hyung Yeonwoo. I didn’t know why Hyung Yeonwoo’s number was saved on Han Yeoul’s new phone, but I was shocked just by the fact that Hyung Yeonwoo, who insisted he didn’t know Han Yeoul’s whereabouts, had been in contact with Han Yeoul.
I trusted him.
I thought Hyung Yeonwoo not telling me about Han Yeoul’s condition was truly out of duty as a medical professional. I never once thought it was to put me in a difficult position or draw out my despair.
After all…, can he not forgive me? Like second hyung?
With my heart torn to shreds, I installed a location tracking app on Han Yeoul’s phone. I didn’t know when I’d return the phone to Han Yeoul, but I thought that if Han Yeoul disappeared again, this time I wouldn’t just wring my hands helplessly. I didn’t think I’d use it like this.
“Still looking at it?”
I raised my head at Uncle Irang’s voice. After Han Yeoul disappeared, I immediately contacted Uncle Irang. The moment I contacted him after not being in touch for a while since Han Yeoul returned, Uncle Irang said he knew intuitively. Han Yeoul disappeared again.
When I showed the app screen with his location to the uncle preparing to go find Han Yeoul, Uncle Irang seemed relieved. At least we wouldn’t be wandering around looking for Han Yeoul without knowing where he went.
I shook my head at the uncle saying we should hurry to where Han Yeoul was. Now that I’d confirmed where he was, that was enough. Now wasn’t the time to move yet.
“But you really won’t go?”
“No.”
Uncle Irang sighed. He must have felt sorry that after managing to find and bring him back, I’d lost him again like this. He must have been surprised by Han Yeoul’s unexpected symptoms too.
“Then when are you going? You’re just going to leave Yeoul like this?”
“No. I have to bring him back.”
“When.”
“When he no longer thinks about running away.”
Uncle Irang spoke to me as I continued staring at the phone screen.
“…You might really lose him this time.”
“I know.”
I know better than anyone. Han Yeoul left me of his own will. Before losing his memory and after. What was important to him wasn’t the presence or absence of memory. Getting away from me, from Yoo Seonjae. Sadly, that was what Han Yeoul wanted.
“But I’ll still catch him.”
“…”
A heavy silence descended. After staying silent like that for a while, Uncle Irang came over and patted my shoulder.
“I thought the safest place for Han Yeoul was in my arms, but I guess that wasn’t it.”
“Seonjae.”
“I foolishly misunderstood again.”
He said he didn’t think he was confined, that he had no thoughts of running away. I believed those words were sincere. Because my Yeoul wouldn’t tell me lies.
“Han Yeoul who doesn’t remember me isn’t Han Yeoul.”
A laugh escaped me.
I felt pathetic for clouding my judgment by being moved just by the fact that he was beside me, even while longing for a past only I remembered. I should have approached more slowly, more carefully.
“You know, Uncle. The Yeoul I met again loved me too.”
“Seonjae.”
“It might sound funny, but I felt it. But even so, the reason he ran away from me must be because he remembered what I said before.”
“What you said?”
“Yeah. I said if a child came, we’d have to get rid of it.”
Uncle Irang looked at me with surprised eyes.
“You don’t need to look at me like that. I said that because I thought it was something that couldn’t happen to us. I didn’t want to see Yeoul get hurt by false hope. That’s why I said it, but I didn’t know it would come back to bite me.”
“Seonjae…”
“Actually, I’m happy, very much. That the fruit of Yeoul’s and my love came to be… I thought this would never happen in this lifetime.”
Han Yeoul’s empty space was painful, but I believe. That empty space will soon be filled. Not with one person, but two.
“So I need to tell him clearly, to Yeoul. That I want our child as much as you do.”
I returned to everyday life as if nothing had happened. I tried not to deliberately recall that Han Yeoul had left again. I knew where he was and could guess who he was with. So, let’s not rush.
Yes, that’s what I thought. Let’s not rush.
But my heart was still hell. If I could, I desperately wanted to go to where Han Yeoul was right now and drag him back like before. However, I endured because I now knew that I shouldn’t do that. Slowly, calming my heart, softening my emotions, slowly so that Han Yeoul wouldn’t be frightened of me.
