Yeojin came out to the NSP entrance and quickly caught a taxi. He told the driver the destination address. It was where Seo Haeju’s old house was located.
He had to find Haeju before the soldiers did. As Director Im said, if the soldiers found Haeju, they might shoot him on sight.
He had to prevent that.
***
Whenever Yeojin saw Haeju, he thought of his younger brother Seokhyeon, who had died five years ago. Was it because he first met Haeju on Seokhyeon’s death anniversary? Haeju happened to be the same age as Seokhyeon.
But Seokhyeon and Haeju had nothing in common. Haeju was more handsome and had a bigger build. Seokhyeon was a rare skin disease patient, so his entire body was covered in large and small black spots, and his physique was small and frail.
Their personalities were also opposite. Seokhyeon, who had been ill for a long time, had a gloomy, sharp, and irritable personality, while Haeju was gentle and docile.
Yet when he saw Haeju, he thought of Seokhyeon, and so he particularly cared about Haeju.
Yeojin was kind to other quarantined people, but he was especially kind to Haeju. Like a baby duckling following the first person it sees, Haeju trusted and followed Yeojin, and he couldn’t have been cuter or more adorable.
Even when he was blankly spaced out, when he spotted Yeojin, he’d come running with a bright smile—the sight was so lovely. It was just cute how he’d smile brightly saying “Doctor, Doctor” and cling to him with that big body, acting cute.
Yeojin liked Haeju. When he saw the pure, clear, and pretty boy melt into a smile just from seeing him, Yeojin’s heart melted too.
And Haeju also really liked Yeojin. You could tell just by looking at the boy’s affection-filled eyes toward Yeojin. Haeju was always, constantly, everywhere looking at Yeojin. He’d stare intently at Yeojin with those clear, pretty eyes. When Yeojin felt the gaze and turned around, Haeju always existed at the end of that gaze.
When their eyes met, Haeju would reveal his white teeth and smile bashfully.
“Why do you stare at me so intently like that?”
He’d asked once. Then Haeju had blushed his white cheeks and said.
“Because you’re pretty, Doctor.”
Yeojin had laughed.
“What are you saying? You’re prettier, man.”
“No. I’m ugly. I’m not pretty.”
Even wearing quarantine clothes like prison uniforms, the boy had a sparkling appearance, yet twisted his body saying he was ugly.
“I’ve never seen anyone as pretty as you, Doctor. You’re prettier than the older sisters and brothers on TV. You’re white and sparkling and like an angel, Doctor.”
When he first heard that, he seriously wondered if the psychological shock had damaged even the kid’s aesthetic sense cells. But after hearing it a few more times, it sounded like a child saying “My mom is the prettiest in the world,” so he dropped his concerns.
At first, the intently staring gaze was awkward enough to be burdensome, but later he got used to it. He reached the point where he could calmly work whether Haeju came to the treatment room and stared at Yeojin or not.
Haeju didn’t mingle with the people in the quarantine building, and instead of going outside during exercise time or free time, he came to find Yeojin. Even when told to get along with people, Haeju said he only needed the doctor.
“I hate everyone else. I like you the most, Doctor.”
“You’ll become an outcast like that, you know?”
“I don’t care.”
“You’ll be lonely without friends.”
“I just need you, Doctor.”
Each time, Yeojin would casually laugh it off. It would be a temporary emotion anyway. It would be that kind of emotion where a puppy only looks at its owner and only loves its owner. Whether he chose the path of becoming a Special Civil Servant or chose to go to Jeju Island Quarantine Center, when he went out into the bigger world, mingled with many people, and met a pretty person of the opposite sex, it would naturally disappear.
Sometimes Haeju would reach out to touch Yeojin’s body, brush up his hair, or stroke his cheeks. Like an animal acting cute to its owner, he’d cling to and rub against Yeojin. Yeojin didn’t mind at all. Sometimes it was bothersome, but he didn’t show it and indulged the boy’s babying well.
Haeju was just cute, lovable, and pitiful. As days went by, he grew attached to Haeju, and he even felt anxious about the approaching day when he’d part with the boy.
How will that kid live without me? He worried again, just as he always had when his younger brother was alive. Haeju also seemed like a delicate, delicate child who couldn’t live without his care, just like his younger brother.
Yeojin’s feelings toward Haeju were similar to the feelings he had toward his younger brother.
But were Haeju’s feelings the same kind as Yeojin’s? He thought they would be. He thought Haeju’s feelings would also be pure. He believed so even after the incident on Haeju’s birthday. He thought the kid had gotten excited, mistaking the identity of his emotions.
It was natural for a guy at that age to get excited and pant over nothing. He thought it just happened because he got swept up in the atmosphere. The words “I like you” that Haeju said were words he’d heard to the point of boredom before.
“Does your heart beat fast and stuff when you think of me too, Doctor?”
Haeju’s appearance at that time came to mind.
“For me, when I think of you, Doctor, my heart beats fast, I get out of breath, my mind goes blank, and I feel like I’m going crazy.”
Haeju’s appearance, blushing and moaning, was far from pure. The sense of discord, as if the child in his arms had suddenly become an adult. In the clear, clean eyes that always looked at Yeojin endlessly, an instinct that Yeojin knew well glistened.
Sexual desire.
Haeju panted by himself and eventually couldn’t contain his boiling instinct, reaching out to Yeojin. The boy who had smiled purely and innocently without a blemish got excited and licked Yeojin’s lips and touched his body. The hands touching Yeojin’s body were large. The thick, strong arms that didn’t budge even when Yeojin struggled to pull away. The large body that clung and pushed against him.
The Haeju of that moment wasn’t just a cute and lovable child. He was a man. An adult male who harbored sexual desire for him. If Yeojin hadn’t swung his fist then, who knew what he would have been subjected to.
No. Haeju just couldn’t control his momentary excitement.
Even if his mind is a child’s, his body is an adult male’s, so it couldn’t be helped. Haeju was at a vigorous age where he’d get excited even if the wind just brushed by. Even if his feelings toward Yeojin were pure, he was at an age where his body’s reactions couldn’t be pure.
Even after being subjected to such a thing, Yeojin deliberately denied it and turned away from the truth. He wanted to believe Haeju’s feelings were still pure.
But turning away wouldn’t change anything. He had to acknowledge it. That the feelings Haeju had for him were a different kind from his own feelings. That the meaning of “I like you” between Haeju and himself were different things.
Actually, there had been many suspicious points before that. Haeju would engage in skinship with Yeojin whenever he had a chance. It was a different nature of contact from when Yeojin stroked Haeju’s hair or patted his cheeks.
“Doctor, can I have you?”
Haeju looked straight at Yeojin with his big eyes and said that. He said he didn’t need anything else. He said he just needed Yeojin.
Don’t hate me. I like you, Doctor. I want to keep being with you.
After rushing at him excitedly and groaning, the guy then shed tears saying not to hate him.
Without even blinking, without being embarrassed, Haeju’s appearance as he poured out thick tears kept flickering before his eyes. It was worse because the last image he saw happened to be that face.
He’s a kid who smiles brightly so well. A kid who smiled happily just from making eye contact with me. He wanted to see Haeju’s smiling face. He wanted to hear the boy’s laughter.
Even if Haeju harbored impure sexual desire for him, even if the intensity of his feelings was different from Haeju’s, the form was the same.
Yeojin also liked Haeju. Haeju was cute, lovable, and pitiful. He didn’t really know what the directional difference between Haeju’s and his own feelings was, and right now, he missed Haeju so much. He felt like he’d go crazy from worrying about the boy. His heart felt like it would burst from worrying that the soldiers might find Haeju first and kill him.
***
Yeojin went to Haeju’s house, his maternal family’s home, his paternal family’s home, his relatives’ houses, and even the school Haeju attended. But he couldn’t find any trace of Haeju anywhere. In this day and age, Haeju didn’t even have a cell phone.
If I’d known it would be like this, I should have given him a cell phone instead of a wristwatch as a birthday present.
After walking around all day until his feet were blistered, the sun was already setting. From morning, he’d attended the meeting, been locked up and interrogated for several hours, and traveled all over Seoul, so he was completely exhausted. Until now he hadn’t even known if he was hungry, but now his stomach churned.
Yeojin entered a snack restaurant near Haeju’s school and ordered tteokbokki and kimbap. The food came out quickly. He roughly stuffed the food into his mouth just to fill his stomach. He could see students at the next table eating kimbap and tteokbokki.
Tteokbokki was Haeju’s favorite food. Whenever Yeojin said he’d treat and told him to say whatever he wanted to eat, Haeju would ask for tteokbokki. When he ordered tteokbokki with fried food, fish cakes, and sundae as a set, he’d deliciously eat it all right there on the spot.
Is Haeju eating properly? He doesn’t even have money, so he can’t buy anything to eat. It’s April, but it’s still quite chilly, so he must be cold wearing only quarantine clothes.
When he thought of Haeju, his throat choked up. His appetite completely disappeared, so Yeojin put down his utensils.
