“If you don’t have an appetite, should I get something light for takeout?”
“It’s not that…”
I just closed my mouth. This too is a pleasant outing for a time, but as the relationship continued longer with a deeper concentration than I thought, I started to think maybe I could relax a bit more comfortably. The sweet and luxurious time that was endlessly pleasant when thinking of it as a special one-time event became burdensome sometimes like a heavy full-course meal when it became routine. When did it become like this? I was choosing what to say but just gave up and chewed my lips. I was the one who said let’s meet casually.
Kang Ikwon waited even for that silence of mine affectionately. It was a look of infinite tolerance that he’d grant me whatever I wanted, and eyes that seemed to contain sincere affection.
Even for me, at this point, it seems a bit strange.
***
“Does it suit your taste?”
Instead of answering, I stared at the table.
“Don’t they normally serve miso soup here?”
“Soup…?”
“Yeah. You know, that broth they usually serve before meals at places like this. Diluted Japanese miso with tofu and stuff in it…”
Ah, he might not know about this.
Seeing the expression that he was listening hard but not quite getting it, I just closed my mouth. When would he have ever been to Mi○ya or Gim○ap Heaven?
As always, the Japanese restaurant the guy took me to wasn’t the same genre as the Japanese restaurants I knew. I thought I’d covered a fairly diverse range from rice bowl chain restaurants to hotel omakase when it comes to Japanese food, but this place I’d never heard of was, by my standards, rootless. Sitting alone in a black room papered with ukiyo-e pop art, unfamiliarly beautiful sashimi, sushi, salads of unknown nationality, and dishes too good to call side dishes came out in order. But this is strange. No miso soup or udon.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t think of that.”
No, not to that extent… You’re not my manager. While awkwardly chewing the nodoguro, when he pressed something, the sliding door opened as if they’d been waiting even though no bell rang. Kang Ikwon ordered confidently:
“One miso soup please.”
“Ah… The next course will be steamed clams.”
The server smiled brightly.
“If you need soup…”
“No, please make one miso soup separately, diluted. Add tofu too.”
“Hey.”
I stretched out my leg and kicked his knee under the table. He made a puzzled expression.
“Is there a problem?”
“Just eat.”
“No, no. It’s fine, sir. We often have customers who order dishes outside the menu. We also take special orders.”
The server answered kindly.
“Please add this as a regular order too.”
I’ll pay separately. At Kang Ikwon’s words, the server closed the door with the same smiling face.
“You could just eat the steamed clams, why make a fuss? Who pays extra for that?”
“If you want to eat it, you should eat it.”
I clicked my tongue and waved my chopsticks while looking pitifully at his confident expression asking what the problem was.
“You’re unemployed but don’t know how to save money… Not that I should talk when I’m being treated.”
“Why do you care about that?”
“I don’t really care though?”
I guess he buys it because he can afford it. We’re both unemployed, but I’m experiencing daily that our life levels are different.
But he really did spend a lot. I’ve never calculated separately, but the meal expenses for a month are probably easily…
Ah, he said not to worry, so let’s just turn it off.
Along with the steamed clams modestly placed in a single-serving earthenware pot, a separate covered bowl came out only for me. When I opened it, whoof, a fragrant smell pierced my nose along with the steam. The sweet and mild broth was not the miso soup I knew except for the color. When I tasted it, my embarrassed feelings quickly disappeared and I was filled with emotion.
“Look at this.”
Instead of giving thanks anew, I rummaged through the soup and picked up something long and soft with chopsticks. I shook it and smiled broadly.
“There’s tofu too.”
He laughed out loud. He approached and grabbed my cheek tightly and bit my earlobe. With an expression saying he was dying of love, with gestures saying he was dying of cuteness.
So…
This is a bit…
“He likes me too much.”
Thud!
“You’ll break the bottle.”
This is alcohol I’m buying with my own money for once. Whether I was serious or not, Pujo hyung snorted more vigorously than the force with which he put down the bottle.
“You’re saying it’s suspicious that he likes you too much?”
“I didn’t say it was suspicious? I think that was your true feelings coming out, hyung.”
“Making New Year’s wishes in April and falling flat. It’s so plausible I thought it was reality.”
“Hyung, if you saw what he does to me, you’d know.”
It’s completely sincere. He’s crazy about me. I asserted strongly, but it was a face that didn’t work at all.
“So what. You want to know the reason he’s hung up on you?”
“Ah, of course I’m a bit charming. But he’s, honestly, isn’t he good-looking too?”
“If you have any conscience as a human, you shouldn’t group yourself and him in the same class.”
I shamelessly ignored hyung’s point and gulped down the beer. The familiar taste spread refreshingly down my throat moistened with good food and alcohol. How could I mistake the passionate affection that flows in as clearly as this cool beer? The fact that I seem carefree is because I’m thoughtless, not because I’m dull.
“Maybe he’s just naturally a love bug.”
I muttered, recalling the man from that day who had reflected on his lover dryly without enthusiasm or anger. Was his sense of betrayal more intense than I thought after all? Was that attitude without attachment just a facet of refined anger… Because when hot love is converted to hatred, it’s also passionate.
The deeper Kang Ikwon’s gaze becomes as he looks at me, the more that thought overlaps. Recalling the expression that turned deathly pale just at hearing the lover’s name, something like sticky, unpleasant spite rose up. I’m such a shameless person too.
I was drawn to him because he seemed somewhat like me in the way he neglected his wounded relationship, and I also liked how he was completely different, but once the relationship actually started, he poured out almost worship-like devotion and affection—at least what appeared to be—toward me with such fierce intensity that even the existence of his long-time lover seemed erased. It was somehow voracious, like opening a dam that had been blocked for a long time. I thought I was just lying on a luxurious boat for a brief cruise, but when I suddenly came to my senses, I’m in the middle of a swirling rapids.
“You said this time was really well-behaved, but what useless thing are you stewing over again?”
“He is well-behaved. Just his personality?”
I propped my chin and counted on my fingers.
“Good physical compatibility, sincere, good manners… unemployed so he has lots of time but spends money well.”
“Unemployed? But he just plays with you? Going around to all those expensive places?”
“Rich unemployed people can do that.”
“Isn’t he a gold spoon living off his parents?”
“If it’s gold, it won’t tarnish, so that’s good.”
“Oh my.”
Hyung clicked his tongue.
“Seems like you just like him too much?”
“When he only does pretty things, how could I hate him?”
“Ah, then just enjoy it.”
Hyung took away the empty beer bottle and gave me a new one.
“I don’t know about him, but I know you. You’re pretending not to be but you’ve fallen deep. You’re not in a position to talk about others when it comes to being a love bug either. If it wasn’t a set with your quick-cooling temperament, you would’ve already ruined your life with romance long ago.”
Instead of denying it outright, I just smiled ambiguously and licked the bottle opening. My proposal that had been light without any plan was accumulating weight layer by layer as density built between Kang Ikwon and me. After that night when he pounded into me leaving traces of my body all over the glass, he became blindly devoted like a horse whose reins had been loosened. As if what came before was just a preliminary battle, the dates that were already rich and sweet were evolving into a paradise flowing with milk and honey. And especially in bed, really…
“Ugh…”
The man has recently become less anxious and instead become embarrassingly skillful and sensual. Just thinking about it made my toes curl and my stomach tickle. Calm down, calm down. I sighed regretfully with my lips against the bottle. Thanks to the lingering afterglow of the embarrassing recollection, even the plump beer bottle in my hand and the temperature of the glass felt strangely hot and feverish.
“Ha.”
“Why? If it’s good, say it’s good.”
“Right, it’s fucking good.”
“Already drunk? Drink moderately.”
Hyung took away the beer bottle with an expression of not wanting to deal with me. I reached out my hand to protest that childish retaliation.
“It’s only two bottles, how could I be drunk?”
“Your pace is fast.”
“Have I ever gotten drunk and caused trouble?”
“When you drink, you don’t even recognize your own face, but you talk well.”
“Wow, you’re making really misleading statements sound real.”
“Then should I call it alcohol dementia?”
Hyung, who snorted, suddenly went inside and after a while came out from the manager’s office we call the warehouse, clutching something. I narrowed my eyes and looked at the Timex sports watch in hyung’s hand.
“I feel like I’ve seen that somewhere before.”
“It’s yours, you bastard.”
