When Henry, who had deliberately taken a slow shower, entered the room, Declan was alone arranging bedding on the air mattress. Only then did he realize with an ‘oops.’
While he’d left Declan alone in the room, it seemed Margaret had stopped by.
“…Just leave it. I can do it.”
“Dry your hair.”
Declan, who glanced at Henry with a side-eye, said casually. Somehow it also felt like a scolding, so Henry pouted his lips and dried his hair.
Then, watching Declan sit on the air mattress after finishing organizing, Henry cautiously spoke up.
“…I can sleep there.”
“What?”
Perhaps because it wasn’t heard properly, buried in the hair dryer noise, Declan looked up at Henry sitting in the chair and asked back.
Henry lowered his head. He brought his mouth close to his ear and said it once more. While pointing to the mattress Declan was sitting on.
“I said I can sleep on this. Won’t it be uncomfortable?”
Their eyes met. At the closer distance than expected, Henry was a little flustered even though he was the one who did it.
Perhaps Declan was the same, as his eyes widened a bit before returning to normal.
“…I don’t mind either. Sleeping here.”
At the answer that flowed out after a slight silence, Henry nodded.
“Okay, then. Do as you like.”
Henry stopped operating the hair dryer. He unplugged the cord, organized it and put it on one side of the desk, then stood up.
“I’m turning off the lights.”
Click. Henry flipped the switch. Darkness came.
Henry familiarly found his bed even in the darkness and lay down. He turned to face the opposite side from where Declan was lying.
A suffocating silence continued. All of Henry’s nerves were concentrated behind him.
For a while, rustling sounds were heard occasionally, then at some point, no sound was heard except breathing.
He was the homeowner, and Declan was the guest, yet why was he being so conscious?
Was it because he’d been tense and anxious all afternoon, worried that Declan might bring up the secret about him to his family? Strangely, sleep wouldn’t come.
In the end, unable to overcome the silence, Henry, who had plenty of things bothering him, opened his mouth first.
“…Hey. Are you asleep?”
The answer he’d believed wouldn’t come back reached Henry’s ears very slowly but clearly.
“No.”
Silence descended again. Henry chose and chose his words for quite a while before asking.
“Why did you say you’d come to our house?”
“You invited me.”
“I invited you thinking you’d refuse.”
“Then you shouldn’t have asked.”
Henry shut his mouth tight. It wasn’t wrong.
“…If you’re uncomfortable sleeping, tell me. I’ll switch places with you.”
“That’s not what you want to say.”
Henry turned his face toward Declan without realizing it. His eyes, which had grown accustomed to the darkness, quickly found Declan.
Declan was lying turned toward Henry’s bed. Because he hadn’t thought he’d be looking at him, Henry was a little surprised.
He didn’t particularly avoid it. Averting his gaze first felt exactly like losing.
“…Why didn’t you say anything?”
“About what?”
“You know.”
“I need you to say it to know.”
Even though you’ve already noticed everything. It’s not like you’re teasing someone.
Irritated, Henry threw off the blanket and sat up on the bed.
“That I liked David.”
Henry whispered as quietly as possible, in case the family outside might hear.
“Ah, that.”
Declan answered as if he’d only realized it after hearing Henry’s words.
“Why past tense?”
Then he asked. Why?
Henry somehow felt Declan’s eyes boring into him were gleaming. It was surely an illusion though.
“…He’s getting married.”
“So what.”
“What do you mean ‘so what.'”
“I heard David has been dating his girlfriend for a long time.”
Henry understood what he meant. It would mean, what was he saying now after having a one-sided love for someone with a lover all this time.
“…They’ve probably dated for 4 years. Maybe. But secretly liking someone with a girlfriend is a bit different from liking someone who’s getting married.”
Henry spoke as if it were obvious at Declan’s words and frowned.
“Is that so.”
At Declan’s low words, Henry let out a small hollow laugh.
“You’re saying something dangerous?”
“Well. If everyone gave up just because the other person is getting married like you, why would affairs exist?”
Declan’s answer was unusually long. It was sophistry, but not entirely wrong, so Henry had no choice but to agree.
“That’s true.”
The conversation cut off. Henry, who somehow felt the quietness was ominous, urgently opened his mouth.
“I never thought about telling David. And there won’t be a time when I do in the future either.”
“How many years have you liked David?”
“…I don’t know. Probably over 6 years.”
“But why didn’t you tell him?”
Declan asked Henry casually. Henry stammered with a horrified expression.
“Are, are you crazy! How could I say that!”
“Why?”
“He’d definitely hate it.”
“You’ve never said it. Why are you so sure?”
“Well… I’ve known David since we were young. Our parents know each other too, so if I said it, it might reach my parents’ ears. And above all… what if it becomes awkward?”
Declan had no answer. It was a face lost in thought.
Henry thought it was truly fortunate to be having this conversation after the room lights were off. If the lights had been on, surely from his entire face to his ears, everything would have been red.
“Now you answer too.”
Henry said in a sulky voice. Declan recalled what Henry had asked at the beginning of this conversation.
“…Not really. What’s the point of telling others? It’s your private life.”
Henry, who had been looking at the man with a tense face, showed a deflated expression.
“…Isn’t it more worth telling because it’s private life? If you had said it, maybe… rumors would have spread throughout the school, and my quarterback position might have gone to you.”
“Why would I do that?”
One of the many scenarios he’d imagined alone. Even though he brought it up in front of Declan, the reaction that came back was utterly bland.
He was at a loss for words. Far from a special reaction, it was even more so because Declan had eyes no different from usual.
Enough to make himself, who had ruined his entire daily life for 2 weeks worrying about when the rumor would spread, feel like a fool.
“…You won’t tell in the future either?”
Declan spoke as if he’d heard something useless, grabbing the blanket and turning over.
“I won’t. Such a bothersome thing.”
Henry stared blankly at Declan’s back without lying down.
Then, that time at the gym when you told me not to come, it wasn’t because you found me dirty or despicable, but it really was because of the basketball hoop, right?
The unasked question lingered in his mouth.
The only noise that could be heard in the severed conversation was the sound of the clock’s second hand moving in the room.
How much time passed like that? Before he knew it, Declan’s breathing changed to a regular rhythm. Declan’s broad back repeatedly swelled and deflated in sync with his breathing.
Henry, who had been watching him, flopped down on the bed with a thud.
Like that day in the science lab, somehow it was terribly hot, so he threw off the blanket that had been covering his body. His heart was pounding.
Henry thought it was because embarrassment had come to him since, for the first time in 6 years, he’d honestly brought up his one-sided love out loud, and it happened to be Declan who heard it. In fact, the urge to open the door right now and run to his brother’s room came over him.
Henry closed his eyes. After opening up and talking, he felt refreshed, but still, strangely, sleep wouldn’t come.
In the end, Henry ended up spending the night with his eyes open.
It was the first time in Henry Lowell’s life, which was approaching 18 years.
***
The next day, Henry and Declan sat side by side, ate cornbread with bean soup, then departed for school. The car was quiet.
Henry, who hadn’t slept all night, started dozing off before long. Occasionally the sound of Margaret and Declan’s conversation was heard, but he couldn’t understand it as he struggled with sleep.
“Lowell, we’re here.”
A low voice heard from beside him. Henry opened his eyes.
After driving for about an hour, Margaret’s car had already arrived in front of the school. Declan looking at him, and Margaret looking worriedly through the rearview mirror.
Sleep fled in an instant.
“Didn’t you sleep well at night?”
At Margaret’s words, Henry readily nodded.
“A little.”
“Hurry up to the dorm and sleep.”
“Yes, I will.”
Clunk, Henry opened the car door first and got out. Declan also got out after him.
Margaret got out of the driver’s seat and hugged Henry tightly.
“Take care of yourself. If you want to come home, contact me anytime. I’ll come pick you up.”
Henry hugged Margaret back. Since vacation wasn’t far off, they’d see each other soon, yet she seemed unable to shake off her worry.
“Yes. Get home safely. And contact me if anything happens.”
“Okay, okay.”
Margaret released her hands that had been wrapped around Henry. Then she asked Declan.
“Would it be okay if I hug you?”
Declan, whose eyes had widened for a moment, slowly nodded.
Knowing that Margaret liked to hug and take care of each child who came to church, Henry casually waited for Declan and Margaret to finish their greeting.
Margaret smiled benevolently and approached Declan, hugging him gently.
“It was nice to meet you. If anything difficult happens, come visit anytime. You can think of me as a substitute for your parents who are far away.”
“…Yes.”
Declan’s answering voice somehow seemed to have moisture in it. Henry thought it must be his imagination.
