## Chapter 130
“At least give me a chance.”
“What kind of chance?”
“Let’s date, Eunje.”
“You really…”
“There are so many things I want to do with you. The moment we kissed, the relationship you knew was already broken. So just give me one chance.”
Like each of them standing in place, the emotional gap between their different perspectives showed no signs of narrowing. Mo Eunje took a deep breath and exhaled silently, long and thin. If Tae Igyeol was going to be emotional, then at least he should remain dignified, keeping his composure and making mature decisions.
“Igyeol. Let’s not waste our emotions. I don’t want to lose you.”
“It’s not a waste of emotions. I will never lose you.”
“That’s not something you can guarantee. Friends and lovers are different.”
“There’s no difference. You said dating someone else wasn’t as fun as hanging out with me. So instead of just hanging out, let’s date too. It’ll be way more fun than just hanging out. I guarantee it.”
“Please talk some sense.”
Tae Igyeol dropped his gaze and let out an empty laugh. It would have been better if it contained resignation, but his hand was subtly rubbing Mo Eunje’s ankle. An unidentifiable sensation began to slowly climb up from his ankle. Just as he swallowed dryly and tried to ignore the subtle stimulation, Tae Igyeol raised his head and met his eyes with a profound gaze.
“I’m your first love, aren’t I?”
“No, you’re not.”
“Sigh… Eunje. You can reject me now, but don’t deny your past feelings. I know I was your first love. You liked me too.”
Whatever evidence he was basing it on, his tone was full of certainty. Cha Hyunwoo flashed through Mo Eunje’s mind momentarily. He was probably the culprit behind this. There was no point in further denial as Tae Igyeol wouldn’t believe him anyway, and at this point, he didn’t want to keep denying the feelings he had in the past. Repeatedly denying his own feelings felt too unfair to his eighteen-year-old self who had gracefully suppressed those emotions on his own.
A hot surge was about to rise from deep in his chest. Before being consumed by the dull heat that started where Tae Igyeol’s palm made contact, Mo Eunje pulled his ankle free from Tae Igyeol’s grasp and stood up, placing his feet on the living room floor. He took a deep breath and ran his fingers through his hair haphazardly, trying to shake off the lingering sensation by moving around as if marching in place.
“…Fine, that’s right. You are my first love. So what? Then you must know why I immediately buried those feelings and got a girlfriend.”
He didn’t want to hurt Tae Igyeol like this. But given how adamant Tae Igyeol seemed, refusing to give up unless firmly rejected, he had no other choice.
“Eunje, please… Just accept me. I’m begging you right now.”
His ash-gray eyes, filled with desperate yearning, wavered and rippled deeply. Tae Igyeol, who had always been strong and confident, looked fragile and precarious. Begging didn’t suit him. To prevent him from clinging to unnecessary hope and suffering through another painful period, Mo Eunje needed to cut things off completely right now.
“No. You’re putting me in a difficult position. You should have suppressed it. You should have endured it and not shown it. Why couldn’t you hold it in and had to reveal it!”
How could I have held it in…
The last words only lingered on the tip of his tongue, unable to be voiced.
“Tae Igyeol, you’ve completely ruined the world I’ve been desperately trying to protect. Date you? Are you in your right mind?”
“Eunje. If you don’t accept me, I can’t see you anymore.”
To bring up the possibility of losing him if he didn’t accept the dating request was the height of audacity. Tae Igyeol had touched on Mo Eunje’s greatest fear.
“Haah… Why are you being so extreme? Igyeol, please… Let me ask you something. Stop this, okay?”
“Then how am I supposed to see you? Even now, I’m dying to touch you and kiss you.”
“You really… So you’re saying you really won’t see me as a friend? Are you sure you won’t regret it? Can you really live without seeing me?”
“I’ll regret it. Fuck, I’ll regret it until I die.”
Tae Igyeol, revealing his raw emotions, roughly ran his left hand through his hair and sighed. Then he stood up, looking directly at Mo Eunje as he continued.
“But I’m not confident I can be around you without doing anything. So if you don’t accept me, I can’t see you anymore.”
“Are you threatening me now? How can you say that!”
Though he had hoped to keep this between just the two of them, Mo Eunje had no choice but to bring up the most worrying practical issue.
“How can you only think about yourself? Don’t you think about our parents, your parents?”
“No.”
It was such a resolute answer, without a hint of hesitation, that it was astounding. He seemed to completely fail to understand why Mo Eunje was pushing him away.
“Hey. How can a person be so self-centered?”
“What can I do if I worry about others? Should I run away and ignore my feelings like you do?”
“How are our parents ‘others,’ huh? If they were really just ‘others,’ I wouldn’t care either. Why would I care what they say? But our parents aren’t ‘others.’ There’s a limit to being ungrateful, how can you be like this?”
Mo Eunje shuddered to think about how both families would react if they found out about this. Even his own parents, who lived by the motto that everyone should take care of themselves, would be in an uproar with fire in their eyes. His mother would probably be the most shocked and hurt. Having imagined this scenario several times, it wasn’t hard to guess her reaction. And since his father had said he would take his mother’s side, the situation felt even more hopeless. It would be better to remain single for life, staying by Tae Igyeol’s side under the guise of friendship, than to drive a stake into his parents’ hearts—his only son choosing his own happiness over theirs.
“Igyeol. We’ve been fine until now. Think realistically. This is Korea.”
“…That sounds like it would be okay if it weren’t Korea.”
“Don’t twist my words. Think about how disappointed and shocked the adults would be.”
“Are the adults’ feelings more important to you than your own?”
“What?”
“Be honest. What about you? Look at your own feelings first, without thinking about your parents. Nothing comes before you—not even your parents.”
This wasn’t an issue to be persuaded by theoretical arguments. While Mo Eunje agreed that nothing should come before oneself, that didn’t mean one could live thinking only of oneself. However, Tae Igyeol didn’t even give Mo Eunje time to continue his thoughts, pressing on to win his heart.
“Don’t you remember what you told Ban Hajun? You said we only live once. No one lives your life for you. Your life is yours to choose and be responsible for, so why listen to others’ opinions?”
“Hey, that’s…”
“In this one life we have, shouldn’t we at least be able to love as we please? If we can’t even do that, what can we do? You believe in living each day happily and joyfully, right?”
Mo Eunje hadn’t had a happy or joyful day since receiving Tae Igyeol’s confession. He could barely remember when he had last felt those emotions. He wanted to be happy and enjoy his time with Tae Igyeol like before, but what had once seemed natural had become incredibly difficult.
“Only as far as my conscience allows. I can’t turn my back on my mom and dad just to live happily and joyfully by myself. I’m scared. So please, stop tormenting me.”
“My feelings for you… are tormenting you…?”
Tae Igyeol looked somewhat shocked, his eyes revealing his hurt. That wasn’t the intention, but in a way it was, so Mo Eunje couldn’t deny it. Soon Tae Igyeol’s gaze fell to the floor, lingered there for a moment, and then came back up. His once dry eyes were now wet.
“Alright. Since loving you is tormenting you, I can’t do that. I love you, I don’t want to torment you. I’m sorry for tormenting you all this time. Don’t worry about my feelings anymore.”
With that, Tae Igyeol turned his back and entered the dressing room. Alarmed by the unusual noise, Mo Eunje quickly followed and found him pulling out a suitcase and packing clothes as if he was going away for a long time.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m going to stay with my grandmother. I don’t know what I might do to you if I stay here.”
“…”
“Don’t be uncomfortable at Ban Hajun’s place. Stay here until you find a new place. I won’t come back until then.”
“Igyeol, please…”
This wasn’t the outcome he wanted. This wasn’t why he had come. Despite Mo Eunje’s pleas, Tae Igyeol silently continued taking clothes out of the closet as if he couldn’t hear him. Watching his actions was so frustrating that Mo Eunje wanted to tear his chest open. Unable to believe the situation, Mo Eunje asked again, as if to make sure.
“Are you really saying you won’t see me anymore?”
“Because I don’t want to torment you anymore.”
“No, torment doesn’t mean… Igyeol, let’s not do this. This is really too extreme.”
“I’m sorry, but… this is a matter of life and death for me. If you don’t accept me, I can’t see you anymore. It would be better for both you and me if we don’t see each other.”
“Why is everything so easy for you? Why only your emotions…!”
Before his mind could even process it, his body moved on its own, reaching to grab Tae Igyeol’s shoulder and turn him around. But as soon as his hand touched Tae Igyeol’s shoulder, his wrist was seized as if bound, and his eyes met Tae Igyeol’s gaze, filled with countless emotions. His tongue felt numb, freezing his words mid-sentence. The moment he read the indescribable emotions in Tae Igyeol’s eyes, his thoughts stopped and his mind went blank, unable to think anything.
“Eunje. Even in this moment, looking into your eyes, I want to kiss you.”
This was the first time Mo Eunje had felt danger and threat from Tae Igyeol. Though his wrist wasn’t gripped particularly tight and he could easily break free, Mo Eunje was completely ensnared by Tae Igyeol’s gaze, unable to even blink, like a small animal caught in a trap. He was so frozen that he didn’t even realize he was holding his breath, unable to avert his eyes.
