Ch 5. Yeon Seonha
Beep—
Tinnitus rang out.
It was a painful sensation enough to shake his skull. Hongdan’s thoughts stopped there.
The word ‘child’ shattered reality. The cozy, warm imagination crumbled and returned as a fierce torrent.
I’m crazy.
Enormous contempt, disgust, regret.
All this self-loathing consumed Hongdan.
The breathing he’d been struggling to maintain grew rapid.
“Hm? Did you call me?”
In the midst of it all, his eyes met Yeon Seonha’s. The gray eyes that held him were still full of innocent light. Because it was no longer unfamiliar, no longer unpleasant, Hongdan felt even more suffocated.
He immediately stood up. He just needed to escape this space quickly. His body moved before his head could give the command. His already pale skin completely lost its color.
“Hongdan…”
Bang—!
The affectionate call was cut off by the violent sound of the door.
“Hah… hk, hk…”
Having successfully fled, Hongdan gasped for rough breaths. The bed was just three or four more steps away, but his legs trembled as if he’d walked a thousand miles. Leaning against the old bedroom door was the best he could manage. Fortunately, there was no sign of anyone following. Hongdan wrapped his head with both arms.
He was confused with himself.
“No… I hate it, I hate it.”
No, rather, he wished he were confused. What his emotions, his actions were indicating was far too clear.
“I hate it, really…”
He, toward Yeon Seonha, after being treated like that, and again that bastard.
“…Huu.”
The sound of swallowing sobs filled the house.
It was already a night that had stretched long ahead of winter. That darkness was far too arduous for Hongdan.
So much so that he dared not even picture spring.
***
In the end, Hongdan, who’d stayed up all night, rubbed his stiff eyes. Because he’d left home at dawn to avoid running into Seonha, he had to answer each colleague one by one who greeted him saying ‘Why did you come so early today?’ Even that was a struggle since he could only barely recognize people after blinking his eyes three or four times. He didn’t even recognize Team Leader Shim until he roared “Reporter Choi!” and had to start the new week with his superior’s warm attention.
He already felt exhausted even though work hadn’t started yet.
He gulped down the sigh that was about to pop out habitually along with his completely cold coffee. Even that only tasted bland like spoiled barley tea. In the end, heavy breaths quickly built up again.
Knock knock—
Just then, someone tapped on Hongdan’s desk.
“Reporter Choi, look at me for a moment.”
It was Team Leader Shim, who’d been boldly ignored by a new employee who hadn’t even been with the company for a full year.
It was natural to be tense at the unexpected summons. Because of that, Hongdan’s characteristically thin double eyelids briefly appeared then immediately disappeared.
Had he come to personally bestow grace upon the youngest employee who seemed to still have his mind elsewhere even after being given the cold shoulder? Or was he going to feed him a new serving of cold shoulder wrapped in the packaging of encouragement?
“Ah… yes.”
Whatever it was, one thing was certain—it wouldn’t be sweet words. Hongdan forced himself to stand up, fighting against his body that kept trying to sink downward.
***
“What?”
Ah… what the hell.
“Team Leader, I’m sorry but that’s difficult. I have an interview with Director Baek Seyoung this very afternoon. Team Leader, you know Director Baek is passive about media exposure. Who knows when another opportunity like this will come. Even if it does come, of course we’ll be excluded. Who would agree to this kind of shabby treatment?”
What did I do so wrong that my life is this continuous stream of shit?
He was so heated that his temples burned hot. Because he was a not-so-great servant, having to bite his lips to swallow curses at the end of every sentence was even more of an ordeal. Nevertheless, the anger he couldn’t quite suppress showed in blotchy colors on Hongdan’s pale nape.
But his opponent also seemed frustrated with his subordinate’s unbending attitude. Even his hair, which he always kept neatly arranged, became disheveled as he undid a shirt button.
“Yes, I know. I know, Reporter Choi. But Director Baek hasn’t released work in over 3 years already. No matter how successful someone is in the industry, if their output stops, they’re quickly forgotten by the public. And am I bringing just anyone to swap them out? It’s Director Cha Jaewon from ‘Our Tomorrow.’ Independent films pour out by the thousands every year—how easy do you think it is to sweep newcomer awards there? Shouldn’t we rather be grateful that even in this situation, he chose our magazine first?”
He poured out his words without wrapping them in even a thin layer of packaging. In contrast, Hongdan’s mouth clamped shut. He merely hid his finely trembling fists behind his back. His black eyes looking at his opponent also grew considerably duller. Rather than simply being overwhelmed by his momentum, it was more that he couldn’t dismiss Team Leader Shim’s argument as complete nonsense.
Of course, Hongdan didn’t think Director Baek Seyoung’s impact would fall behind Director Cha Jaewon’s just because of a long hiatus. To begin with, despite a career of nearly 20 years, solo interviews could be counted on one hand, and citing that directors were people who held cameras, not people who stood in front of them, she rarely appeared at external events. As long as they brought her in, she was someone who wouldn’t be out of place on the main feature whether she was filming or not.
Team Leader Shim’s recommendation of Director Cha was surely not intended to diminish Director Baek’s standing either. Perhaps, rather than covering a giant director who’d already become an industry icon, elevating a promising newcomer might be a more desirable direction for the struggling film industry.
Even understanding all this, Hongdan couldn’t easily nod his head. The unresolved uneasiness still held his neck stiff. His poor condition also made it difficult to think as calmly as usual.
“I’m grateful. Of course I’m also grateful to you, Team Leader, for entrusting me with such a person. But Team Leader, setting aside the goodwill, I think same-day interviewee replacement is disrespectful to Director Baek. I’d rather make Director Cha the main feature for the next issue, but I cannot accept this kind of instruction. Please reconsider.”
Hongdan’s head finally bowed toward the floor. His face, pushed to its limits, was naturally hidden.
Seeing his stubborn figure bent at a right angle to the waist, it seemed he had no intention of backing down until he heard the answer Team Leader Shim wanted. In the end, he let out a rough breath and disheveled his bangs once more. This time it was close to nearly tearing at them.
The response that came after the self-harm that wasn’t self-harm was utterly raw.
“Hah… I really didn’t want to tell you this pathetic shit. I’m embarrassed for my junior, fuck.”
“…What?”
Flustered by the clear profanity, Hongdan unconsciously raised his head a little. Team Leader Shim, as if he’d been waiting, grabbed his upper body and made him stand completely upright.
“It’s the editor-in-chief’s order. Cha Jaewon’s parents are university seniors or something.”
“No, even so…”
“Right, you can’t say to trash Baek Seyoung over just that much.”
He habitually fumbled in his jacket pocket. Probably where his favorite e-cigarette was kept. This also proved that the words about to come from his mouth would be frustrating enough to make one’s mouth feel dry just thinking about it.
“If you want to keep working in this field.”
“Ah.”
A small sigh flowed from Hongdan’s mouth as he grasped the situation. Team Leader Shim also skipped any further explanation and only conveyed the essentials.
“Advertising is a given, and the editor-in-chief is getting the Taewon executive director position.”
“…”
“Even if someone’s leaving, as long as they’re here, you gotta do what they say, what else can you do.”
There was still nothing wrong with Team Leader Shim’s words. Even the lingering discomfort swirling in Hongdan’s head was wiped away as Team Leader Shim patted his shoulder.
“Anyway, sorry about this, Reporter Choi. You explain things well to Director Baek.”
“…Yes.”
“…Right. Take a moment here to sort out your thoughts before coming out.”
Plainly giving him time was his own way of consoling. Still, he didn’t try to take responsibility instead, but Hongdan decided to understand this as unavoidable human selfishness. Hongdan slowly nodded his head.
Whoosh—
The glass door with a door closer shut with a lethargic wind sound. The presence of the person who’d been with him just moments ago also gradually grew distant. Hongdan barely managed to move his feet but couldn’t leave the empty conference room. He leaned his clammy body against the large round table.
“…Why is everything so hard?”
Nothing was easy. Not work, not people. Wasn’t he even suffering like this because he couldn’t even manage himself? Hongdan found it overwhelming just to endure ordinary daily life. Did everyone live carrying this level of hardship while only he couldn’t bear it? Self-hatred came habitually too.
“I’m tired.”
His heavy head, full of various thoughts, dropped completely. Only Hongdan’s sighs piled up layer upon layer in the small space.
