10.
I lunged at him like a predatory beast with its claws out. It was you! You planned this! This couldn’t have happened otherwise. Cheon Jaerim must have orchestrated this situation from the very beginning. Choosing a major to be at the same school, on the same floor as me—it was all to lay the groundwork for this. A sense of betrayal burned through me.
It’s not that I don’t trust Jaei. But people are imperfect creatures. A heavy mouth? A mouth with a hole can’t be heavy. Secrets exist to be spread. Even the friend who promised to hide my secret eventually ran their mouth and ostracized me, didn’t they?
The day I was assigned to high school. The distant region lifted my spirits. I could finally shed the modifier “orphan.” I believed I could attend school normally like ordinary kids. The prejudice and contempt I suffered as part of a group with the orphanage kids—I could escape that boundary. But the secret was exposed in no time, and the feelings from back then began to flood over me like a deluge. Soyeon also promised to cover up my secret, but she fell for Cheon Jaerim’s sweet talk. I don’t know Jaei deeply, but I had a strong premonition that he wouldn’t be any better than Soyeon.
I hurriedly threw on my clothes. Cheon Jaerim had already approached the door and was checking the doorknob. When he pushed the lock and turned the handle on the opposite side, the round locking mechanism popped out with a thunk. It’s broken. Cheon Jaerim rattled the doorknob. The doorknob being broken was one thing, but I couldn’t stand how infuriatingly nonchalant he was. After making me erase school from my life!
“Let’s go to your place. I left something there.”
“……”
I had to go to that house first. The entire time going down the stairs, my body felt like it would topple forward at any moment. I had to destroy the camera. I’d think about what comes after later. If I could just get rid of that… The black clouds swirled in my vision like they’d been glued together.
Cheon Jaerim skillfully passed me and headed toward the faculty parking lot. Cheon Jaerim’s car was parked in a row among the professors’ cars. I quickly opened the passenger door. I fastened my seatbelt tightly. I had to calm my pounding heart even a little. Wanting to feel the cool breeze, I turned on the air conditioning.
“Aren’t you cold?”
“No.”
If I spoke at length, he’d probably notice what was going through my mind, so I answered briefly. Cheon Jaerim didn’t seem particularly concerned about what had just happened. That made me feel like I was going crazy even more. He’d made it so I couldn’t hold my head up and walk around. A law that remains eternally unchanged no matter how time flows and generations change. Even though I struggled desperately to escape from the moment I was born, it followed me around like a tail.
The underside of the bridge crossing the Han River boulevard looked dizzying. I briefly glanced at the steering wheel, thinking about whether to just get hit together by the dump truck coming from ahead and die. But it seemed too wasteful to die like this. Even if I got lucky and Cheon Jaerim died, my traces could still emerge while sorting through his belongings. I bit my nails off with a snap. Cheon Jaerim glanced at me, grabbed my hand, and lowered it. The hand beneath Cheon Jaerim’s hand trembled. I clenched my fist.
“Are you worried? He has a heavy mouth.”
“How would you know!”
I screamed without realizing it. Startled by my own loud voice that seemed to shake the heavens, I shut my mouth. Cheon Jaerim turned his head to one side as if his ears hurt. Must be pretty bothered. Cheon Jaerim, who muttered quietly, increased his speed.
“He’d at least use common sense. Wipe your sweat.”
Cheon Jaerim held out a soft handkerchief.
It had a faint scent of perfume.
“No, it’s fine.”
I wiped the sweat flowing with the back of my hand. I normally get cold easily, but these days sweat flows like water whenever anything happens. The back of my hand that wiped my skin was drenched. My collar was cold too. The air conditioning breeze made my sweat-soaked collar cool. I put it inside my shirt and wiped my nape as well.
A familiar place began to reveal itself starting from the top. As soon as the car stopped, I bounced out like a ping-pong ball. I heard Cheon Jaerim calling from behind, but I couldn’t care about that. I should be grateful I stayed still until now. The elevator was stopped at the 53rd floor. Cheon Jaerim’s place is on the 57th floor. I ran up the stairs.
Like Popeye getting a burst of strength from eating spinach, I couldn’t contain my energy. To calm my insides running wild like crazy, I had to quickly, faster, exert myself and get up there before Cheon Jaerim. My breathing started getting ragged. But I absolutely didn’t rest. As I climbed, I caught a glimpse of the elevator numbers starting to drop. I could hear signs of life from down below. I ran up urgently. The railing served as a cane. My throat felt like it would tear.
When I reached the point where I couldn’t straighten my body, I placed both hands on the stairs. I crawled on all fours like an animal. The elevator numbers started going up. My heart grew anxious. After climbing thousands of stairs without rest, my body slowly began to convulse from the tremendous exertion. Hard lumps were forming in my thighs. If I stood still, my legs would buckle on their own.
The destination gradually came into view. Heo-eok, heo-eok, heo-euk. Sounds so rough it seemed my breath would give out burst forth. My throat had already cracked like drought-stricken land. I desperately needed moisture. The elevator numbers were already stopped at 57. Cheon Jaerim had arrived first. The unsteady breathing could wait. I operated the number pad first. Cheon Jaerim had told me before, so it shouldn’t have changed in the meantime.
Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
The lock has been released.
I threw open the solid door. I could hear murmuring voices. Before they could notice my presence, I headed straight for Cheon Jaerim’s room. While running like a shot, I caught a glimpse from the corner of my eye—there was an unfamiliar person. Running as if chased by a robber, I found myself in his room before I knew it. Having reached the place I’d wanted so badly, I felt relieved and collapsed onto the floor with a thud. But I mustn’t forget the most important thing. Click. I locked the door. Following that, the doorknob turned and Cheon Jaerim called out to me. Why are you locking the door.
I went to the glass cabinet. Where among these things could it be hidden? First, I had to unlock it. I opened the drawer where I’d found the key. I must have pulled it too hard—the drawer popped out. I lifted the drawer and shook it out thoroughly. The light objects inside tumbled to the floor. Finding a needle in a haystack. I absolutely couldn’t find it. I couldn’t see that tiny key from before. I felt like crying. Ah, I can’t do this. The tears I should save need to be tears of joy.
I was taught not to touch other people’s things, but this time was an exception. Cheon Jaerim touched my things first. This is self-defense. I pulled out the chair I’d sat in while teaching him. The round chair without a backrest was a thick, hard lump of iron except for the soft cushion. It weighed more than I expected. Perfect.
Like a shot put athlete, I threw the chair toward the glass cabinet with all my strength. The thick glass made a “crash!” sound and shattered into pieces. Like twigs breaking, the body split apart and fell down. The pieces, which boasted an enormous size, piled up against each other. I approached them and knocked everything inside down to the floor. When I swept everything down without missing a single thing, the glass cabinet became completely empty, nothing more than broken junk.
I knelt down and slammed all the toys to the floor. I found the most suspicious one. A black car. It definitely moved while looking at me. Using the headlight part that blinked at me as a corner, I slammed it down with a bang. But the car that broke apart, bursting its innards, contained only small springs and plastic pieces. This wasn’t it.
I grabbed the next suspicious thing. A robot about 15 centimeters tall. I threw it against the wall. With a thud, the robot that fell to the floor also scattered its parts everywhere, spilling silver blood. I crawled and brought it back in front of me. I poked the part where its eyeball had been with my index finger, and burst the hologram pattern that formed its belly with a sharp piece of glass nearby. But there was nothing inside. Where is it, where is it, where is it.
“Is this the right key? It doesn’t fit.”
I could hear Cheon Jaerim’s voice from outside. He was trying to unlock the door with a key. I had to find it quickly before that. Crawling around the floor, I smashed the many items still remaining. The toys assembled by human hands were all made of small, thin, weak mechanisms. I felt self-loathing at the fact that I’d been scared of just these things. Every time I heard the jingling sound from outside, my hands grew busier.
“It’s not here… It’s not here… It’s not here……”
I rubbed my eyes and searched again, but the camera I was looking for wasn’t there. I rubbed my eyes again, but there was nothing. Instead, I felt my vision turning red. I rubbed my itchy eyes with my sleeve. Red blood came off on my sleeve.
“There’s no way it’s not here……”
While I sat there in a daze, the door flew wide open with a “bang!” sound. I lifted my head from my position of digging into the toys’ innards. I met six eyes. Two familiar faces, one unfamiliar face. The ajumma and a woman I’d never seen before had expressions of shock as if they’d seen a serial killer.
“……”
Cheon Jaerim had a rarely seen pale face. He was originally a pale guy, but this was a face drained of blood. I lowered my head and looked at myself. Blood was flowing from all ten fingertips. Even the wounds that had barely healed had torn open again. But strangely, it didn’t hurt. Whether Cheon Jaerim approached or not, I didn’t care and dug through the floor like an anteater.
“Don’t move.”
“…Why isn’t it here?”
“……”
“Why isn’t it here? Why isn’t it here? Why isn’t it here?”
“……”
“You hid it knowing I’d do this!”
“I’ve always told you. There’s no such thing.”
“Liar. If I get up from here, you’ll snatch it away again. Tell me quickly. Which one is it?”
“Okay, I’ll give it to you.”
“No! I’ll find it myself!”
Every time Cheon Jaerim approached, I bent my hands planted on the floor. With a crunch, the glass shards in my hands crumpled. This sound reached the ears of everyone in the room. Cheon Jaerim’s expression turned pained.
“It’s over there. The one with the flag planted in it.”
“Where, where……”
To turn my body, I turned around from my sitting position. I heard the sound of glass being crushed beneath my knees. Just as Cheon Jaerim said, a medium-sized helicopter model with an American flag planted in it was rolling around. It was when I reached out my hand to grab it. I heard the sound of stepping on glass from behind, and my body floated into the air.
“Ahhh! Let go!”
Cheon Jaerim hugged me from behind and left the room. Every time I struggled, glittering powder fell to the floor. Afraid the helicopter might fly away while I wasn’t looking, I gripped it tightly in my hand. The ajumma, who’d become panic-stricken, hurriedly disappeared saying she’d bring medicine. Cheon Jaerim sat me on the sofa and took off my socks. Only then did I see my blood-covered hands and legs. Blood had seeped in small spots into the jeans that stuck here and there.
The unfamiliar woman slowly approached where I was. The eyes looking at me like a murderer had lessened considerably, but she was still looking at me with an unfamiliar gaze. The woman’s face looked familiar. I looked back and forth between Cheon Jaerim and the woman. The ajumma set down a white box next to Cheon Jaerim. Cheon Jaerim took out medical scissors and cut away my pants. Snip snip. The cutting sound was vivid. The parts the falling pants grazed stung.
“Son, who is this slightly crazy friend?”
“Be quiet.”
“……”
If only that woman hadn’t said those words at that moment……
Could I have loved myself a little more?
A Smooth Life (Revised Edition) Part 1 End
