“You go too.”
“Why are you doing this?”
But it seemed his position hadn’t gotten through to Gye Sajun. The way he blocked the path with an expression just as rigid as his own was ridiculous. Eventually Woojae’s voice rose.
“I told you it’s none of your business! Ah, fuck… I’m so fucking embarrassed right now and I just want to die, so before I act like a moron and take it out on you, hurry up and leave. Anywhere.”
His brutally trampled pride and unstable psyche kept producing sharp words. The shout he’d let out was pathetic—as it went on, the strength kept draining from it. He didn’t want to show weakness. He wanted to lock himself in his room alone and wallow, but even that, Gye Sajun wouldn’t help him with. He felt resentful. He wanted to physically lift and remove Gye Sajun’s body blocking the door. The guy looked at Woojae’s pockets for a moment, then seemed to give up and pointed to his own room.
“Come inside and let’s talk. If you don’t want to go to your room, come into mine.”
“Are you seriously a pervert? Do you want to be on the receiving end of me lashing out? I’m giving you a chance to leave right now, so why are you being so clingy!”
“It’s fine. Whatever you do won’t affect me anyway. That’s why I’m telling you to do it to me.”
For an instant, Woojae’s eyes wavered. Not missing that opening, Gye Sajun pulled him and led him to his room. As soon as the door closed, the body heat of him pulling Woojae into an embrace was hot. The fact that he felt secure being held in a man’s arms should have felt strange, but he didn’t even think about pulling away. Woojae, held in the embrace of Gye Sajun who was breathing while holding him, dropped the hand he’d been about to push him away with.
“Are you crazy, seriously… What am I going to do? Am I going to get expelled from school?”
At the voice trembling with anxiety, Gye Sajun covered the back of Woojae’s head with his palm. He caught his breath in the dark room, relying on the sunlight pouring through the window.
“I’m the one who hit him, so why would you get expelled?”
His eyes felt hot. Woojae unconsciously buried his face in Gye Sajun’s shoulder.
“I don’t know, fuck… Why am I like this? Fucking hell, I can’t even control myself… I just cause trouble for other people. I want to die. Just.”
Before he could recognize the moment he was relying on someone he’d hated until recently, someone he’d growled at whenever their eyes met, his body moved first. Because it had been too long since someone had held him. Because it had been too long since there was someone who would embrace him.
“It’s okay.”
The voice telling him it was okay was low and calm, and his mind, which had been all over the place just moments ago, felt like it was being organized. Gye Sajun stroked his back while still holding Woojae.
“Aren’t you going to get expelled from school too? No wait. Fuck. You’ve got such solid backing, you won’t get expelled… That’s a relief, at least.”
“You’re worried about me too?”
There was a faint trace of amusement in Gye Sajun’s question. As if it was quite unexpected. Woojae inwardly scolded Gye Sajun for smiling without substance.
“If you get expelled because of me, I’d feel fucking sorry.”
“I won’t get expelled. I won’t get expelled and you won’t get expelled either.”
“How reassuring. You bastard. Is this also friend service? Are you going to be my backing or something?”
He’d relaxed enough to make jokes. Gye Sajun chuckled and patted Woojae’s back. What kind of situation was this even, yet he wanted to settle into it. Woojae muttered like a habit.
“Ah… I want to win the lottery.”
“Why do you think of winning?”
A hollow laugh burst out. Woojae lifted his head from the shoulder he’d buried it in and looked up at Gye Sajun.
“Hey, what’s your concept? You don’t know lottery? It’s a lottery ticket.”
“…You were mumbling so I only heard the last part.”
Do you really know? Seems like you’re just protecting your pride. Why don’t you even know something like this?
“When I look at you, it’s like you grew up locked away somewhere.”
“…Similar.”
“You’re joking.”
Woojae dismissed Gye Sajun’s confession as a joke. It felt like he’d become Alice in Wonderland or something. Not just Gye Sajun, but the people here probably never even had such an obvious wish. No, they probably had no reason to even think about it. Their lives were the lottery. Woojae met the gaze looking down at him and laughed lowly.
“You’ve never thought about that, have you. Fucking bastard. So fucking… so. Ah, I think I’m weird. I’m like a crazy person.”
He could feel secure held in a friend’s arms. A friend’s comfort could make him feel better. But that stupid, or perhaps clueless ‘friend’—was it okay to think he was cute? He thought he’d felt discomfort at his height that was way taller than his own, at the gaze looking down. He thought he’d felt frustration at his words showing he didn’t know how the world worked. Why did he seem cute right now?
“What’s weird?”
“It’s weird. You look so cute to me.”
The answer reflexively popped out of Woojae’s mouth. When he thought something had gone wrong, Gye Sajun also hardened the corners of his mouth that had been smiling and pulled Woojae’s waist, holding him as he asked, pretending to be angry.
“I’m cute? Do friends even say things like that to each other?”
A gaze trying to figure something out was searching his complexion. Like a detection dog looking for evidence. Woojae avoided those eyes and changed the subject.
“They do. I think Bang Minwook is cute too.”
“That doesn’t make me feel good.”
It was true. Right, hadn’t Bang Minwook been quite adorable at times? Woojae roughly fabricated experiences he couldn’t even remember. There must have been… cute times. After all, they’d been living together for a month.
He didn’t have specific memories, but for now, he had to be able to say ‘cute’ to a friend too. It was time to push him away now, but strangely, he didn’t want to separate. It was because he’d missed body heat so much. Originally, people gain security through physical contact. Woojae made excuses vaguely and crumpled Gye Sajun’s clothing in his grip. The body that stiffened with a start was still warm.
“Since you’re already lending it to me, just stay still for a bit. It’s been a while since someone held me.”
Gye Sajun obediently didn’t resist Woojae’s words and continued to offer his embrace. How long had he been held in his arms—he still didn’t want to separate, but Woojae’s reason made his hands release their strength. Gye Sajun must have felt it too, as he let go of Woojae’s body and stepped back.
“…Have you calmed down a bit now?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s too bad. No more excuse.”
The lingering feeling from the other person’s body that had been touching him until just before remained faintly on Woojae’s chest. Only then did he feel his heart jumping like it was on a seesaw.
‘Right, it’s better to have some distance. At this rate, I’ll really become a homo bastard.’
Without much response, Woojae looked at Gye Sajun’s chin. It was too embarrassing to meet his eyes. Somehow, he’d shown an unseemly sight in front of him again. He needed to leave this place quickly. Gye Sajun, watching Woojae turn his back, spoke.
“Go Woojae, I get that you have a lot of pride.”
Woojae also stopped with his hand on the doorknob. It was difficult to face his expression, but he wanted to hear what he had to say.
“Yeah.”
After the short answer, Gye Sajun swallowed once and spoke again. It was a moment when the silence felt excessively long.
“Think of it as repaying the debt for me helping you today and listen.”
“…What is it.”
Was he going to give advice? He thought that perhaps he too might tell him not to cause trouble for other kids. In the end, he was an outsider here. He felt newly lonely. It was when Woojae chewed on the bitterness and put strength into the hand on the doorknob.
“Learn to exercise from me. I’ll teach you.”
At the unexpected statement, Woojae took his hand off the doorknob and turned to look at Gye Sajun. It was difficult to read any signs on the face darkened by the backlight from the sunlight. Woojae deliberately sharpened his edge even more, pretending to be unfazed. Because his thought that he should distance himself from him too hadn’t changed. Even if what happened just before was because he’d gone crazy, anyway, he shouldn’t get close to Gye Sajun anymore either. If it was repayment for helping him, that was right.
“What exercise am I going to learn? Do I look weak? You don’t know how hard package loading and unloading part-time work is. I’m someone who’s done manual labor too.”
His pride was hurt hearing that from a young master.
“Hey, earlier I held back because, fuck, he was a sunbae so I wondered how I should hit him.”
“Learn self-defense. I’m telling you I’ll teach you.”
Gye Sajun proposed firmly to Woojae who was deliberately acting tough. There was no trace of social skills in his commanding tone. You’re really you too. Woojae looked at his ‘friend’ who was beyond help and kept his mouth tightly shut. To such Woojae, Gye Sajun added in a voice that seemed to have peeled back a layer.
“I’m worried, so.”
At the words of concern for him, Woojae’s heart weakened again. His tightly pressed lips trembled faintly. Woojae couldn’t see Gye Sajun’s face properly, but for Sajun, it was different. He could clearly see Go Woojae’s face. The hurt face, the lonely eyes, even the lips wanting to lean on someone—all of it.
“And hang out with me. I’ll take all your venting.”
Perhaps it was words dripping with selfish intent. Though Woojae had no way of knowing.
***
He couldn’t collect his thoughts at all. He somehow returned to his dorm room, showered with cold water, and sent a reply to the worried message from Teaching Assistant Im saying he wasn’t feeling well so he couldn’t make it today. After sending a thank you reply to the kind response saying to rest well and see him tomorrow, evening had already passed by. He wasn’t hungry.
Woojae decided to go to sleep early, using today’s fatigue as an excuse. Since Minwook hadn’t returned yet, he left the desk lamp on. Relying only on the light coming from outside and the desk lamp in the room, he burrowed into bed.
To replace the sensation of being held in Gye Sajun’s arms, he bunched up the blanket and hugged it. The soft, fluffy blanket was slightly chilly, having been abandoned in an empty room all day. It was worlds apart from Gye Sajun, who had been firm and hot. The area around his chest, which showed no signs of calming down, felt strange.
