7.
I noticed the strange pieces scattered around when my eyes snapped open. When I turned my ankle, a stiff pain came. While threading my legs into panties covered in bodily fluids, I discovered a small scrap of paper. Looking around, irregularly torn pieces were decorating the floor like decorations. When I scraped together the paper scraps and roughly matched them, a picture formed. The black ballpoint pen marks looked familiar.
Hope turned into despair.
The world is cruelly static. Everyone except me was heading somewhere with faces free of worry and concern. I envied that they had somewhere to go. Now I have nowhere to go… I’m so fucked up like this, but why are you all so unbothered? An inexplicable resentment bloomed in my chest. If someone pricked me with a needle, Cheon Jaerim’s semen would come out instead of blood. Disgusting.
I could feel something sticky above my underwear. The clothes I’d put on were still not dry, cold as if I’d attached a cool pack. Breath endlessly came from my mouth. Cold sweat that wouldn’t dry began to bead at the edge of my forehead, and creaking sounds came every time I moved.
People walked avoiding me as I walked in zigzags. I passed people walking in the opposite direction and got on the bus. Even the bus going home was completely empty. I wanted to check the time, but I didn’t even have the strength to take out the phone in my pocket. Having come to this, I wanted to go wherever the bus took me. A bus with no destination. I hoped to be subtly erased from Cheon Jaerim, from everyone. However, even the lingering attachment I had left alone fell like the last leaf.
When I arrived at my studio apartment, my eyelids began to droop down. I sat in the damp corner of the room where light didn’t come in well and pictured yesterday’s situation. Things began to fall into place. There were some aspects I couldn’t quite accept. I rubbed around my arm with red handprints remaining and thought again.
Cheon Jaerim fears me trying to escape from him. Fears? Why? I got up from my seat and circled the same spot as if doing ganggangsullae. After doing this for a while, I reached a point that might be close to an answer. Cheon Jaerim also has a strange fear toward me. Then are we mutual?
My head hurt. Everything was a mess. Only then did I realize I still hadn’t taken off my wet clothes. I heard whining sounds. I ignored it and went into the bathroom. Seeing the yellowed tiles covered in grime made me nauseous. In the mirror with dried toothpaste and foam marks, stood a person with swollen eyes. I understood why people had avoided me. Kheung, when I sniffed, my brow tingled and a headache arose. I turned on cold water and washed my face. I’m sick of it, sick of it, sick of it. While washing my face, I kept muttering that I was sick of it.
After wiping off the moisture, I put on dry clothes. Because they’d been folded for a long time, they had creases. While pressing those creases, I looked for the yellow box tape I’d bought to pack moving boxes. After that, things proceeded without hesitation. I attached tape to the window frame the size of two palms put together. As I was attaching it, the bubble wrap stuck to the window came off. Chiiik, rip. The tape was torn dozens of times. The hand tearing the tape gained speed. The yellow box tape ran out, revealing the hard paper. I remembered the green tape inside the kitchen cabinet. Chiiik, rip. The thickness of the green tape gradually thinned. Every time the tearing sound spread, the intervals of the phone ringing became more frequent. Sweat dripped down from below my chin.
A cramped house is useful sometimes too. Looking around, I could see all sides were completely blocked. Not a sliver of sunlight came in. Seeing myself concentrating on one thing after a long time, I felt vividly alive.
The phone stopped ringing 5 minutes ago and hasn’t rung again. Cheon Jaerim is probably coming this way. Thinking of the guy who would be anxiously looking for me felt satisfying. I neatly spread the blanket I often slept on over the mattress. After that, I went to the kitchen and examined the hose part of the gas valve. The old gas hose was rotted throughout. When I pulled it with force, it made a thunk sound at the joint and easily came apart. Like in movies, I could hear the hissing sound of gas leaking. I returned to the bed and lay down on the mattress. The overall dingy house interior was like an ant hole. My body felt cold as if I’d dipped my hands and feet in cold water. I placed both hands on my navel. Cheon Jaerim and death. These two had the commonality of gnawing away at a person. I patiently waited to see which of the two would strike me first.
It was as expected. The front door rattled and moved. But since I’d locked it, there was no way it would open. He started kicking the door with his feet. Hearing the violently moving sound brought a strange catharsis. Realizing there was someone looking for me felt odd, and I wondered whether I should laugh or not that that person was Cheon Jaerim. I slightly opened my eyes and checked the entrance—the thin, flimsy brown door fluttered aimlessly.
“Open the door.”
Ah… I could feel my mind gradually becoming hazy. Cheon Jaerim’s voice dug between my dulled eardrums. The voice that changed visually began to distort as if spinning around. I started stamping my feet placed on the mattress. Faster, faster! Huuup, huuup! I inhaled.
But before the gas could dominate me, a ‘crash!’ sound brought my consciousness back. The glass that had filled half of the brown door was crushed. A large hole like a sinkhole formed in the center of the broken window. The glass surrounding it was being etched with cracks like a spider web. One important thing was that Cheon Jaerim’s elbow was protruding through the large hole. He’d broken through it! The glass!
My eyes snapped open at the unexpected development. The sudden reality grabbed me by the collar. My hazy eyes and dull ears cleared up. A hand came in through the pierced glass window. The hand that entered the house fumbled to find the doorknob. The locked latch clicked and released. When Cheon Jaerim’s arm pulled out and came back in, glass fragments fell with a clatter.
When you watch horror movies in the middle of the night, you fall into the illusion that the back of your neck becomes cool and a chilly wind blows. Among people, some say ghosts come after seeing themselves reflected on the screen, others say they play pranks by counting your hair. When the round metal handle began to turn smoothly, I could feel that sensation after a long time.
Cheon Jaerim revealed himself. I could feel Cheon Jaerim, who entered unknowingly, sending his gaze for a few seconds. Starting from the front door to the windows, window cracks, drains, ventilation holes. He must be witnessing all the gaps harmoniously mixed with yellow and green colors and blocked.
I kept my eyes closed like a dead person. Over my closed eyes, a dark shadow swooped down. My shoulders flinched reflexively. Noise began above my head. The traces of hardship I’d worked to attach were being removed. Twenty times? Thirty times? …Fifty times? No, I heard far more sounds than this. Cheon Jaerim went around the house and quickly removed the countless thick tapes I’d stuck. Air began to circulate between the windows and doors everywhere.
“Get up.”
“……”
A cold hand taps my cheek.
“I said get up.”
I couldn’t seem to hide my trembling eyelashes. I slowly got up, bracing the bed with my elbow. As I lifted my upper body, my eyes met Cheon Jaerim’s. The pupils that met seemed to sway in the wind. However, that wind vanished in the time it took Cheon Jaerim to blink. Of course, I didn’t think this would succeed. Anyway, since meeting Cheon Jaerim, nothing had worked out, so I’d foreseen from the time I washed my face in the bathroom that this plan would also come to nothing. As expected, the environments given to me were of no help at all. A door that breaks easily with one elbow strike. Should I be moved that not a single thief has broken in until now?
Cheon Jaerim turned his back and checked the gas valve. He stared intently at the square sticker attached to the kitchen tile, then entered a number into the phone he was holding. From the moment Cheon Jaerim checked the gas valve, the subtle flow of air stopped with a ‘beep’. Despite the loud bursting sound, the surrounding noise that followed was utterly quiet.
“Making a fool of yourself alone.”
Cheon Jaerim looks at me sarcastically. It was awkward. If I’d become a corpse and never opened my eyes again, it would have been less awkward than now. I scraped down my left fingernail with my right fingernail and put my feet down under the bed.
“Can’t beggars abandon their habits? Since you were born with nothing, you’ll leave with nothing, is that it?”
“……”
“If you die like this, who’s going to deal with it?”
“……”
“Don’t tell me you expect me to do it?”
The more Cheon Jaerim spoke, the more force went into the speed of scraping down my fingernails. White scratches formed on my thumb nail hollowed in the center. It was like a time bomb. Bang here! Bang there! Cheon Jaerim’s voice pressing down was full of anger and contempt. I slid down along the edge of the mattress. Into the desolate house came the sound of “Computerrr, noteboook, refrigeratorr, we buy them” echoing. It was sound flowing from a loudspeaker attached to an old truck. That voice going around shaking the neighborhood made the house like ruins seem ordinary in an instant.
I tried not to look at Cheon Jaerim. I didn’t send even a bit of my gaze that way. Then I saw the bleak surroundings. Garbage covered in grime was scattered. No, it’s not garbage. Those broken glass fragments, that dirtied tape aren’t garbage. Those can all be recycled. Then what about me? What about me? What about me? What will I become when I die? The room won’t even sell because someone unluckily died here. What did the landlord do wrong? She’ll think bad luck has attached itself to her, right? The landlady’s resentful voice came like an auditory hallucination. Who will clean up the corpse? They’ll come all the way here to clean up someone like me… Thinking that people would see the ant hole I lived in, tremendous shabbiness began to weigh me down. Several people will lift my body and load it into a car. I’ll be buried in the ground, burned in fire, or if not that, maybe taken to an incinerator and burned. The voices and grumbling of strangers began to swell like a snowball. The shapeless shabbiness grew as big as a snowman’s body and rolled, touching my feet.
Thud, thud, thud.
“I came after receiving a call.”
A man wearing a gray vest stood holding a large black equipment case. On the vest the man wore, a company name was embroidered in blue thread. When I turned my head to look at the white tile wall, it was the same company name. This was the reason Cheon Jaerim had been silently waiting for something. I hesitated and raised my butt to stand up. However, the man approached the kitchen while pretending not to see me and Cheon Jaerim. My butt that had lifted from the floor sat back at the edge of the mattress.
The man who came carrying the equipment case with a clatter showed no sign even seeing the house strangely in disarray. As if it was a common occurrence, he calmly checked the gas valve and took out his tools. Was it the company policy not to touch customers’ private lives? Was he a man indifferent to everything? If both hypotheses were wrong, I thought perhaps such things happened frequently enough that he’d gradually become numb.
The man’s work took quite a long time. Cheon Jaerim stood still in place until the man finished moving busily with clicking sounds. The guy with his arms crossed and eyes tightly closed had an expression of pondering something deeply. Even when the man who finished the repair tried to explain, Cheon Jaerim treated him like a transparent person. The man looked at me once. Our eyes met as I sat there vacantly. The man saw my state, then without a word took out his business card and placed it on the sink.
“I’ll be going.”
With a greeting, the man left and once again only Cheon Jaerim and I remained. Thud thud thud sounds came again, and the man’s footsteps grew distant. Cheon Jaerim opened the eyes he’d been closing. I lowered my head and only looked at the innocent floor. Silence is golden. Like gold, it began to heavily squeeze this situation. I wouldn’t feel this way if he’d gotten angry like yesterday and driven me to my limits instead.
Beyond the top of my head, I heard a rattling sound and the sound of metal objects in a drawer clashing. Cheon Jaerim was opening the drawer attached under the sink looking for something. Every time he rummaged, clanging sounds came. What Cheon Jaerim rummaged through and pulled out was a fruit knife a bit longer than an adult man’s hand. Seeing him holding that in this chaotic situation, my teeth started chattering. There was no way my small trembling that began shaking on its own could be conveyed to the guy seized by madness. After seeing him, my mouth opened for the first time.
“Don’t come.”
“But these days you seem to be living well enough. You said there were many times you couldn’t even eat ramen because gas didn’t come out.”
When that fact was rehashed through someone else’s mouth, I lost even the face to maintain. Cheon Jaerim began to get closer. I couldn’t budge as if glue was stuck to my butt and feet. Wind breezed in through the open window. Goosebumps rose under my thin clothes. Cheon Jaerim bent his knees under the bed and looked up at me. I wanted to show I wasn’t scared. Cheon Jaerim, who’d been looking up at me from below, gently pushed my shoulder and climbed on top. My body naturally fell over, and the edge of the mattress touched behind my knees. My waist was bound between Cheon Jaerim’s thighs. When my legs bent at ninety degrees, strength went into my waist when I moved my body. Cheon Jaerim placed one of my arms beside my side and fixed it again between his legs. It felt like my body was tied tightly with rope.
Cheon Jaerim picked up the knife he’d carelessly thrown on the mattress again, grabbed my remaining wrist to the side and fixed it. Only then did I begin to sense what he was trying to do after preserving me. I writhed, jerking my waist like someone having a seizure. It didn’t work at all. Like a nurse waiting for a patient to show their butt before giving a shot, Cheon Jaerim waited until I became calm.
When my movements became feeble from exhausting myself, Cheon Jaerim bit the back of the knife in his mouth and rolled up his sleeves. I had no choice but to look up defenseless. Even my legs that had been flailing in terror stiffened. If I struggled, it felt like the knife in front of my eyes would fall and cut me. Meanwhile, his sleeves went up to his elbows. Cheon Jaerim took the knife from his mouth and lowered his upper body. We got close enough for each other’s breath to touch our faces.
Are you wronged? Cheon Jaerim asked. No, I’m not wronged. I answered in a trembling voice. When you think about it, I’m the one who created this situation. It’s something I did. I’m wronged, but I can’t tell anyone I’m wronged. Cheon Jaerim sucked my lips pressed in a line with a slurp as if sucking fingers. Cheon Jaerim raised the knife and aimed it above my wrist. I felt a cold, sharp sensation on my wrist.
“……!”
“I’ll cut you so it doesn’t hurt.”
The caught wrist didn’t even budge as if a nail was hammered in. I shook my head repeatedly. Instead of words, only air burst out from my open mouth. Cheon Jaerim gave one more chance like a death row inmate’s last meal.
“Did you really try to die?”
“…Hng, n…o……”
The hot heat that had been filling the upper hand subsided for a moment. The caught wrist loosened and the sharp touch also disappeared. Cheon Jaerim stared at me piercingly. I realized the silence he was keeping was giving me a chance to make excuses.
“My head… must have gotten messed up.”
“That’s it?”
The strength confining my waist lightened. Cheon Jaerim held out his hand. When I grabbed the extended hand, Cheon Jaerim grabbed my fingers and lifted me up. Releasing the strength from my body to get up was a mistake.
“……!”
It was instantaneous. I felt a stabbing pain in my palm and the skin peeled off. I screamed “Ah!” and lay back down again. Cheon Jaerim had slashed my palm diagonally. Blood rained down creepily red. As seconds passed, the pain felt in the center of my palm multiplied. It burned as if salt was being sprinkled between the gaping wound. All the nerves in my hand concentrated in the center, and other parts stiffened as if paralyzed. I feel like I’m dying. I might really die. As blood drained out, my hand and arm paled white like blank paper. Cheon Jaerim whispered to me as I helplessly watched the blood spurting out.
“Are you scared?”
“Kkeuk, uk, heo……”
“I wasn’t trying to make it hurt.”
Cheon Jaerim brought the knife tip to his own palm. I wasn’t brave enough to watch blood burst from someone else’s hand as a live broadcast. When I was about to close my eyes, Cheon Jaerim grabbed my face.
“Kk, kkeoheuk, heu……”
“We’re doing something good.”
The more clearly the stained vision showed, the more agonizing it became. When moisture formed again, Cheon Jaerim took it away. Tears had no chance to pool, contrary to my will. When my eyes became clean, Cheon Jaerim straightened his waist. Then he deeply cut his own palm as he’d done to me. There was no sign of hesitation. I could never forget that vivid sound of the sharp blade prying and digging into the skin. Like seawater splitting in half, Cheon Jaerim’s palm tore raggedly.
“Aaaah!”
It was me who felt pain at that sight. A scream burst out naturally. Doesn’t that hurt?! Cheon Jaerim looked at me screaming instead of him with curiosity. More blood began to flow from Cheon Jaerim’s hand than from mine. The blood flowing vertically ran along Cheon Jaerim’s wrist and dripped onto me. As the red blood seeped into my clothes and soaked the fabric, I felt like I’d be dyed with his blood.
“Hng… treat, ment, kk! Too much blood, hng……”
“You won’t die from this much.”
Cheon Jaerim clearly didn’t know his hand’s condition. He looked at what came from his hand as nonchalantly as watching TV. His wound would keep opening more and more and couldn’t even be stitched if not sutured right away. Because anyone could see Cheon Jaerim’s wound was bigger, my palm pooled with blood was gradually being forgotten. I stretched out both hands and firmly grasped Cheon Jaerim’s palm. It was to stop the bleeding. However, with both of us bleeding profusely, doing this couldn’t be effective. I could feel hot blood surging as if refluxing inside the touching palms.
“I like that hyung worries about me.”
“Heuk, hng, uu……”
“Spread your hand.”
“…What?”
Cheon Jaerim began to unfold my fingers he was holding tightly. The miserably reddened hands touched as if measuring hand size. Looking at my hand that was about one and a half knuckles lower, Cheon Jaerim whispered softly, “Cute.” Cheon Jaerim, who was eerily calm, was scary.
Cheon Jaerim moved the touching palms as if grazing. The ragged skin slowly tormented my palm. It was the same for me. The area that had become sensitive as if it would tear if touched slowly swam on top of Cheon Jaerim’s palm. It was impossible to distinguish whose that bright red liquid flowing before my eyes belonged to. Fingers rubbed together and flowed down as one to the palm, to the wrist. Cheon Jaerim interlaced our fingers. The entangled hand no longer even felt pain. Our two hands were like a newborn baby covered in blood just born.
“Every time I see this wound, I’ll remember today.”
“……”
“Because it’s the moment we became very special to each other.”
Congratulations. A red tongue came out of Cheon Jaerim’s mouth after finishing speaking. Something wriggling dug between the palms. The disgustingly digging tongue licked long over my wound. It burned hot and painfully as if seared by fire. Blood looked like a tongue, and the tongue looked like blood. The very center of the tongue stained dark red and entering his mouth is my last memory.
