There were many things I needed to prepare but not enough time. The first condition was ‘how far away is it.’ It had to be a space that was hard to move to without a car. I’d already scouted out a suitable place and would sign the contract this weekend.
I said to Cheon Jaerim, who was picking up tuna sashimi: I’m going to visit the orphanage. Cheon Jaerim put the red flesh into his mouth and answered: Then let’s go together. I explained at length with an awkward expression that I didn’t want to show him such a place. Cheon Jaerim served me tuna belly and asked back, “What kind of place is it?” I couldn’t continue speaking. But did my earnestness get through? Seeing me not opening my mouth, he nodded nonchalantly.
***
‘I might be late talking with the nun after a long time.’
‘Okay.’
This time, the goddess of fate would be on my side.
The feeling of heading to a new space without anyone knowing was like an orgasm.
The house I’d been eyeing was in a very secluded spot even within the neighborhood. People really don’t try to come all the way here. I gave it to you really cheap, haha! The real estate agent with a black notebook with a blue pen stuck in it tucked under his armpit made a show of his generosity. For all his showing off, the house’s condition wasn’t very good. But with the money I had, it was far from enough to buy even a completely run-down country house, so I was reasonably satisfied. From the real estate’s perspective too, it seemed more profitable to sell rather than leave an unsellable house, so he added a bit more to the amount I proposed. I couldn’t shake the feeling of being ripped off by the experienced man, but I was in a hurry.
‘Can I find work here?’
‘If you take a car over there, there are lots of offices. You’re young, so you’ll find something quickly.’
To go back out into society, I first had to pull myself together from being distorted.
I stared blankly at the back of the bus that had just left. After sending off the real estate agent I’d been talking with until an hour ago, I was late because I looked around the house site alone. The small, rattling bus going over stones reminded me of a cassette tape with film rolling up. Most buses in this area stop before even 7 PM. At the old bus stop where one arrives every 30 minutes, there’s no route map or notice board saying when it will arrive again. I just had to wait and board. Living away from home, these were things I’d have to endure.
The sunset began to spread over the small overgrown mountain. I kept looking in the direction where the bus seemed unlikely to come at all. Meanwhile, several cars passed. To live in this neighborhood, a car would be essential. Muttering to myself, I got up from the old wooden chair I’d been sitting on. I’d wanted to visit the orphanage even if late to leave evidence. Unable to help it, I walked back the way I came. The old house had nothing in it, but it seemed better than guarding the bus stop all night.
Even though it was winter here, a faint smell of grass wafted over. Living in a place like this, I too would quickly regain my vitality.
***
I meant to lie down for just a moment but fell into a nap. I woke up with my body curled up like a pill bug. The ramie quilt I found in the old wardrobe might as well not have been there. Wind whooshed in through the cracks in the door. When I pulled the rough quilt up to my nose, it smelled musty and moldy. When I checked the time, it was 8:30. Perhaps because it was located at the base of a mountain, the darkness was even thicker.
There was a missed call from Cheon Jaerim. Only then did I remember I’d forgotten to contact him. With the plan ruined, I had to send a text even if it was a lie. I hurriedly entered my photo album and looked for a photo I’d taken before. I cropped it small so the clothes I wore today wouldn’t show well. After enlarging it to show mainly faces with the kids, I sent a text to Cheon Jaerim. It took some time to send. Having sent even a photo, he wouldn’t be suspicious.
Day by day, Cheon Jaerim’s behavior was strange. Recently, he’d even spouted nonsense like we seemed like a campus couple.
Lying on the cold floor, my whole body ached. I pulled down the small string hanging from the fluorescent light to turn on the light. However, the fluorescent light only made tick, tick sounds and nothing changed. Wondering if there might be a spare fluorescent light in the storage, I was about to open the door and go out.
Tap.
[Are you still there?]
A text came from Cheon Jaerim. ‘Yeah.’ As soon as I sent it, I could see it was read. As I wondered whether to wait for a reply, a photo arrived. Because not only wifi but even 3G didn’t work well, only a white empty box appeared where the photo should be. I held up my phone and moved it around every corner of the ceiling like sending signals to aliens, but the empty box didn’t fill. Eventually I opened the door and came out. Roughly cramming my feet into shoes, I paced around the yard. The empty box became blurry and began to become clear gradually from the bottom.
With a ‘tap’ sound, one more message arrived.
[I ate dinner with the nun earlier.]
The completely filled photo was a picture taken together of the nun and Cheon Jaerim.
[Did you know I was coming and hide in a mousehole?]
That’s when it happened. Along with a rattling sound, I heard the sound of gravel being crushed outside the rusty green gate. Most of the residents’ houses in this neighborhood are far apart. Coming this close meant either they took the wrong road or they lived in this house—one of the two.
Without even taking off my crookedly worn shoes, I ran into the room. I pulled hard on the doorknob of the room that didn’t even have a lock. Even the sound of swallowing sounded like thunder striking, so I blocked my uvula with one hand. The car sound got closer and closer. The closer it came, the brighter the light entered.
Holding the doorknob and trembling, I heard the engine turn off. When the engine turned off, the surroundings fell into darkness again. I can’t see the other shoe. I hurriedly opened the door, grabbed one rolling shoe, and came back in. If I just stay quiet like now, Cheon Jaerim won’t think it’s a house where people live. My worry became reality. I heard the car door close and shuffling footsteps. With a sound of old joints, the gate opened.
From about this point, I wasn’t in my right mind. Despite the cold night wind coming through the crack in the door, I broke out in a cold sweat. I clutched the round doorknob like a rope descending from heaven and cried out hundreds of times inside: Please, please, please, please, please, please. Later, I couldn’t even tell if I was crying out inside properly.
The phone I’d carelessly tossed beside my thigh made a sound louder than thunder and spun on the floor.
[I can see your shadow lol]
[Should I come in or will you come out]
Everything was ruined. Only then did the white barrier as thin as Korean paper come into view. Cheon Jaerim had come to find me. From when he sent the photo with the nun? No, Cheon Jaerim might have known from the moment he readily permitted me when I said I was going to the orphanage. Day and night had reversed. The feeling of liberation that had been sprouting like new flesh in my heart just a few hours ago had disappeared early on.
Cheon Jaerim’s shadow grew larger in front of the door. Continuing to hold onto the useless doorknob wasn’t about some pathetic pride. All the muscles in my body stiffened at the fact that once again there was nothing I could do.
Knock, knock.
I heard knocking above my head. I gently let go of the doorknob and retreated as if backing away. Bracing myself behind with both hands, I pushed the floor wildly with my feet. Not knowing when it came off, even one shoe was rolling far away. The yellow linoleum stuck to my sweaty palms. If I just kept retreating like this, I’d collide head-on with Cheon Jaerim opening the door and entering. I changed direction and crawled to the left. And I sat right next to the door. It was no different from the way infants think—that if they hide their head, their body can’t be seen. I raised my knees and buried my head between them. I wiped my sweaty face with my sweaty hands.
It was quiet outside, but the black shadow was still outside. Cheon Jaerim was waiting for me. Was he giving me time to hide? If so, the inside of the wardrobe would be safer than the floor. I crossed the black shadow coming in long and bright like moonlight. I heard a deflating laugh from outside. Every time my knees hit the floor, a weak popping sound came from the floor. The sound of the old floor breaking. Cracks were forming.
I crawled over the ramie quilt and flung open the wardrobe door. When crawling over the ramie quilt, I kept slipping as if stepping on an oiled place. I reached my hand into the wardrobe and climbed up like someone clinging to a building wall. I arrived completely inside and quietly closed the wardrobe door. The surroundings became quiet once again. The bright moonlight hid behind the back of the wardrobe. As soon as the wardrobe door closed, the room door opened. Like a seeker finishing counting and looking for the culprit, Cheon Jaerim only started moving after all my activity was finished.
“Where could you be?”
I heard the sound of looking around the room that was just over 1 pyeong. As Cheon Jaerim’s footsteps got closer, I pressed closer to the wall that wouldn’t recede. The space was so cramped that if strength left my knees, the door would open by itself.
“I’m really angry today.”
“……”
“If I find you, I’ll spank your butt?”
“……”
“I’ll count to three.”
“……”
“One.”
“……”
“Twoo.”
“……”
“Two and a haaalf.”
“……”
“Two and a half and a haaalf.”
“……”
“Two and a half and a half and a haaalf……”
“……”
“Three.”
And the wardrobe door opened wide.
Before I knew it, the full moon filled and brightly illuminated the inside of the room.
“Ah… when you’re like this, I can’t get angry again.”
I was pressing my mouth hard with both hands to hold back tears about to burst out. I realized I was trembling when I saw Cheon Jaerim’s arm holding my shoulder shaking faintly.
“I won’t forgive you even if you cry.”
“……”
Cheon Jaerim grabbed my arm and pulled me down. I came down naturally like water flowing down a cliff. The ramie quilt I’d been covered with and sleeping under until just now was completely dirtied by Cheon Jaerim’s shoes. Cheon Jaerim bent down and examined my face sitting sprawled out. Then he roughly rubbed my face.
“I want to cry too.”
“……”
“I trusted hyung and let you go, but what if you crack pumpkin seeds behind my back?”
“……”
“What are you doing coming to a place like this? Serving coffee?”
“……”
“These quiet, secluded places are scarier.”
“……”
“Eaten without anyone knowing?”
I shook my head and moved backward. Having moved, what touched my back was the hard wardrobe wall. Cheon Jaerim straightened his upper body and swept his hair back. The hair settling down calmly was very peaceful, unlike this situation.
“Get up, let’s go home.”
“I, don’t, want, hng, kuk.”
“Don’t piss me off.”
Cheon Jaerim grabbed the back of my neck and forced me up. I staggered like a scarecrow with one broken arm. The peaceful country house was full of traces of invasion. The moment I was caught by him, my knees buckled several times. When I turned around, I could see my ruined homestead. I clasped my hands together and begged desperately. When my hands rubbed together, what returned was only a face cooler than Dracula. Cheon Jaerim sat me in the passenger seat and fastened the seatbelt. As soon as the car door closed, I unfastened the seatbelt. But before I could even open the car door, it locked from outside.
We exited the winding trail. The car headed toward the main road. It registered rationally that this situation wasn’t fiction. The tears that had been flowing as if someone had turned them on stopped like a lie. My face looking out the window was swollen as if stung by bees and was filthy.
Where we arrived wasn’t home. It was an apartment I’d never seen before. Cheon Jaerim parked smoothly, then went outside and opened the passenger door. When the seatbelt was unfastened, a sound like a scream burst from my mouth.
“I, ah, don’t, wanna go, I’ll stay, here.”
I exerted strength and clung to the seat. Before Cheon Jaerim, my stubbornness was as light as a single flower. I was dragged along almost trailing on the ground. I’d returned from soft dirt ground to rough asphalt ground. I began to miss the smell of earth I’d smelled there.
The unfamiliar place boasted a luxurious elevator like when I first went to Cheon Jaerim’s house. I barely managed to stand centered. However, the hand holding me didn’t relent at all. Seeing the arm caught by him, the tears that had barely stopped seemed to rush back again. I intermittently inhaled and exhaled. I felt like an asthma patient. I shouldn’t think this, but I even thought it would be better if I were a severe asthma patient and died right here from respiratory distress. As soon as the elevator stopped, I escaped outside the open silver doors.
Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
Cheon Jaerim pressed the eight-digit password at high speed.
Soon after, the empty space swallowed us whole.
