Every time my legs curled up, bright red handprints remained on the outside of my thighs. I inhaled with a gasp. I could feel the finger fiddling with the hole entrance wriggling to open the inside. He laid me down by spreading my right thigh to the side with the hand that had been tormenting one nipple. Then he shoved it in at the timing when I exhaled.
“Hueuk!”
“Breathe.”
Cheon Jaerim acted like a nurse tapping the buttocks before giving an injection. It wasn’t breathing but deep breathing. I brought my bound hands near my solar plexus. My hands trembled. Moreover, every time I inhaled and exhaled, I could feel the sense of length filling below getting deeper. The feeling of semen clumping inside the hole was strange. The finger that entered inside poked around here and there without considering the other person. Then when the finger bent like a hook touched a certain point, strength entered my waist. Cheon Jaerim noticed different strength was applied to my body and pressed that spot firmly as if doing acupressure.
“Aah! Ugh! I-I don’t like it!”
A strange sound burst out. Every time the finger persistently tormented me, my dead cock moved as if stretching. Every time Cheon Jaerim’s wrist between my legs got faster, wet sounds started coming out. The roughly moving finger knew no end. I stretched out my gathered hands to try to grab Cheon Jaerim’s wrist. I was planning to stop him. But before I could raise my upper body and bring my hand nearby, my head touched the pillow again.
“Ugh! Ah! D-don’t!”
“Wow… you’re getting seriously wet.”
The hole widened to the side and one more finger entered. Cheon Jaerim’s palm turned toward the ceiling. And like widening the diameter, he spread his fingers and started thrusting. I screamed like a madman. But the sound actually bursting from my mouth was a moan that would come out of porn. My body tormented by the fingers was colored with a sense of exhaustion. The thick joints pulled out and a leaking sound came from my open mouth. I laid my legs that had been trembling with pleasure straight down. It was a feeling I’d never experienced in my life. Cheon Jaerim reached his arm and rummaged somewhere next to my head. He was opening and closing the nightstand drawer next to the bed. After poking around here and there, he frowned as if there was nothing to find and withdrew his arm.
“There’s no condom so let’s just do it today.”
Today? There is no next time for you. Before I could let him know that, a mass of flesh touched the hole entrance. I shook my head. I don’t know since when, but tears were pooling at my temples.
“Don’t cry.”
Cheon Jaerim stuck his head right next to mine. Even if I wanted to shake my head hard, I couldn’t move because of the guy who propped his arm by my opposite ear. Because when I turned my head, my lips touched as if kissing his forearm. I could feel Cheon Jaerim’s cock, too terrible to even look at, opening the hole and coming in. Thanks to being loosened with fingers, it passed through easily, but the foreign sensation filled up endlessly. A “huk” sound burst out. If it came in any further, it would touch my organs. I could see my hand trapped between Cheon Jaerim’s and my body turning pale.
“Hueuk, huk… ugh!”
“They say the first experience has to hurt a bit to remain in memory for a long time…”
I couldn’t hold back and bit the shoulder by my mouth with all my strength. The shoulder that entered my mouth stiffened for a moment. But as if telling me to bite more, it came closer into my mouth. Cheon Jaerim stayed still with his shoulder against me until my breathing entered a stable orbit. I had no choice but to catch my breath counting the stars before my eyes like an idiot. Around the time I could feel myself slowly calming down, Cheon Jaerim pulled back his waist. Then as soon as I exhaled going “phew,” he pushed in to the root.
“Ahhhng!”
“Ah…”
Sounds burst out simultaneously.
It was the sound of both sides being seized by exclamation.
“Ah! Ngh, nngh! Ah! Ah!”
Every time Cheon Jaerim’s cock rubbed its side against that strange, lewd spot where fingers had passed, my chest twisted.
“Every time I thrust here, it makes wet sounds, doesn’t it?”
“Ahh, hah, ngh!”
“Something else would suit hyung better than this.”
“Hah, no, ngh! Ahh, ugh!”
Cheon Jaerim pulled my cock like gum. Soon after, the hand that had been touching my cock invaded between the burning junction. Then it passed smoothly as if counting the folds of the hole one by one. Each time, my thighs trapping his waist trembled.
“Look at this. Water’s flowing out.”
“Hngh, ugh, haa…”
Cheon Jaerim carelessly wiped his fingers on my thigh. What stuck and dried on the skin was truly a glossy liquid. His cock slipped out slightly. The space between my buttocks was ticklish. It felt like something was flowing. It was either semen, or the unclear something I was dripping as Cheon Jaerim said… one of the two. I raised my bound hands and covered my eyes.
I remember seeing a group protesting with provocative placards saying they opposed animal testing. A photo of a white lab mouse with the whites of its eyes full of bright red blood. I felt like I could understand those mice’s feelings. My current appearance was no different from a lab rat. It was like being locked in a tightly closed transparent cage with only one breathing hole made. If I’d been tied up tightly with rope without even a gap to escape, I wouldn’t feel this wronged. Cheon Jaerim created a hole for me to escape through, but made it so I couldn’t escape. I felt even more grief from that.
***
When I arrived home, my legs gave out and I crawled on the floor. I barely crawled to the bathroom, opened the toilet lid, and retched. I don’t even remember with what state of mind I arrived home. The underwear I’d barely managed to put on was damp. I overcame the unpleasant feeling and sat down on the bathroom floor. I leaned my head against the cool toilet lid. I was briefly ventilated. Cheon Jaerim didn’t do this knowing I was a woman. He’d orchestrated today’s events even knowing I was a man. The afterimage of him pouncing like a madman was still vivid.
I hastily searched for my phone and found my junior’s number. My junior, who answered the phone immediately, had very noisy surroundings. The noisy clamor made me feel like I was also present in that space. Taking advantage of that gap, the words “I want to quit” came out to the tip of my chin without me realizing. But as soon as I heard my junior’s voice asking “What?”, my hand automatically hung up the call.
With my tingling buttocks barely raised, I took off my pants. I wanted to wash cleanly. I washed my face with cold water and turned on the shower. For the first time in my life, I inserted my finger into my anus. If my finger ever went into my anus, I thought it would only be at a urology clinic. I never imagined in my dreams that a place I thought would be like that would end up receiving a man’s semen. Crying while eating mustard, I pulled out the culprit that had made my underwear damp. The things sucked into the drain following the flowing water were like fog. What made me think I wouldn’t get caught? I only now realized that the absurd actions I thought I could pull off were actually as unstable as walking on a tightrope. I realized it too late.
***
I had to quickly reach a conclusion before the next tutoring day approached. With each passing moment, I felt like a death row inmate facing execution. The conclusion I reached after spending three days and nights awake was that I myself was most important. But this conclusion was reversed overnight when I opened my eyes in the morning. My immediate livelihood was the problem. The returning monthly rent and next semester’s tuition approached as burdens. Since I’d also quit my side gig at the convenience store that I’d been doing like insurance not long ago, I needed time to find work again. Should I just close my eyes tight and pretend it never happened? It’s something only I need to endure, isn’t it?
I became very impatient about the two million won that hadn’t even come in yet. I wanted to ask my junior to introduce me to another student, but I would definitely look like a weak-willed person who picks and chooses students without persistence. I ate hard bread crusts and counted down the months I’d set as my goal. If I just endure about four more months, I’ll achieve my target. Nevertheless, the biggest reason I hesitated was because I was afraid of Cheon Jaerim.
Cheon Jaerim had declared a next time to me. I even had the absurd imagination that I could receive money if I demanded compensation for mental damages, but it wouldn’t work. I need to steel my resolve. I decided to properly do only the last lesson and then come back after giving notice that I was quitting. Because there was an ajumma at the house, he wouldn’t be able to openly do terrible things like last time. With every step, countless amounts of money I would receive upon fulfilling the tutoring contract and the walls of reality kept clashing at my toes.
It’s a bone-chilling reality. When I faced Cheon Jaerim again, my legs trembled. The pain from that day came crashing as terror. Even a mentally healthy person would want to enter a temple and recuperate after experiencing such a thing. What was at least reassuring was that the ajumma making clicking sounds in the kitchen was there. That alone was comforting.
As always, the sliding door was wide open. I could see the messy bed. Come to think of it, I should have been suspicious from the fact that a kid who was supposed to study would wake up in the early evening. When one thing started bothering me, another suspicion endlessly floated to the surface.
“I thought you wouldn’t come…”
I didn’t pretend to listen no matter what Cheon Jaerim said. What filled my head was how to bring up the notice that I was quitting. If I just did today, I would have finished a month’s worth of lessons. At least two million won would come in. I decided not to be swayed by the words of a guy worse than beasts.
“You shamelessly even wore the wig. Is it because of the ajumma?”
“Open your book.”
Was I a shameless person as Cheon Jaerim said? If you think about it, it’s not wrong. What could I do when I needed even a single penny? Since the ajumma knew I was a woman, I had to wear the wig until the day I left.
“Why are you so prickly?”
“Don’t talk nonsense.”
“You loved it, even rolling your eyes back.”
Cheon Jaerim laughed while propping his chin. My angry hands trembled. Is this how kids who grew up without lacking anything act? It was the polar opposite of me, who had learned and personally practiced concession and sharing from the orphanage.
“You know what? Hyung’s hole is so fucking tight, it’s like it was made to fit my dick.”
“Hah…”
Just endure two hours, just two hours… My eyes, which were hypnotizing myself, kept turning toward the pencil case. I wanted to take out the cutter knife inside and split open from the top of that guy’s head. So I wanted to dissect his brain to see how he could say such things without his face changing color. Cheon Jaerim grabbed my chair with his crossed legs. The chair scraped the floor as it was pulled.
“You’re pretty even without wearing this, noona.”
Cheon Jaerim twisted my hair around his index finger. The wig slid down on the forceful index finger. I couldn’t stay there any longer. I left the workbook open on the desk and stood up holding my bag that wouldn’t even close properly. But the moment the chair moved from the floor, the distance narrowed again and my buttocks collided with the soft cushion on the chair. Cheon Jaerim had hooked the chair leg with his foot. The hand that trapped my tilting side was like a trap.
“Ajumma!”
The sound of slippers dragging grew louder near the door. Cheon Jaerim, with his chin resting on his hand, turned his head to the side and continued speaking. I lowered my eyes. Cheon Jaerim’s left leg, crossed over his right knee, swung dangling.
“You can leave work early today.”
“Now?”
“Didn’t you say it’s your daughter’s birthday?”
“Oh my, look at me. Then ajumma will go? Teacher, finish the lesson well before you leave.”
I couldn’t turn around as if a huge snake was wrapped around my neck. As soon as Cheon Jaerim finished speaking, the ajumma started getting busy to leave work. From the moment she left the room, I could hear the sound of her taking off her apron. I wanted to cling to those feet. I wanted to cling and throw a tantrum telling her not to go. I wanted to beg her not to leave me alone in this house. But of course, everything in this house wasn’t on my side.
As the house became desolate, Cheon Jaerim stuck even more closely. I slid up over Cheon Jaerim. The bag that had been precariously hanging from my hand fell helplessly to the floor. The miscellaneous books inside spilled out with a clatter. Cheon Jaerim, who leaned his face against my back, bounced his knee up and down. Then due to the reaction, my knees naturally spread left and right. I brought my spreading legs close together again. Then…
“Don’t pull out, you fucking bitch.”
Vicious curses flew at me. The strong hand wrapped around my waist was as firm as iron chains connecting slaves’ ankles. When I became docile, Cheon Jaerim became gentle again.
“Turn your head.”
