After finishing a meal that was as exhausting as always, Hongdan was sitting inside the closet where Seonha’s clothes hung. That’s when he felt pain in his lower abdomen, as if his belly skin were tearing. It hurt so much he almost forgot he needed to breathe.
His body, which had been curled up hugging his knees, naturally leaned forward. Then, splash, an ominously wet friction sound struck his ears. Hongdan fumbled through his pockets with urgent hands.
“Ah, no…… No, please……”
Soon a hard rectangular object was caught, and with trembling hands he barely managed to unlock it and press three digits.
—Yes, this is 119. What’s the matter……
“He-here…… It’s Pyeongchang-dong xx-12, and I’m pregnant…… No, I’m an expectant parent. So it’s been 10, 10 weeks now…… Nngh…… My, my stomach hurts so much. My stomach hurts so much. Please save our baby, please.”
Every word tumbled out incoherently to the point where he wondered if he’d ever been this unable to speak. The only thought in his head was that he had to save this life. Hongdan barely swallowed down the sobs that wanted to burst out.
—Yes, understood. We’re dispatching an ambulance right now.
Today in particular, his digestion had been off and his stomach felt heavy, so he’d taken a digestive aid pill he didn’t usually eat. Had that been the problem? As an expectant parent, not checking a single ingredient and just taking whatever was given. Was the child trying to run away early because they knew they had such a stupid parent? Because they had no confidence they could be happy under me.
The more he blamed himself, the more distant Hongdan’s consciousness became. Whether what he was desperately clutching was his belly or just a lump of flesh. Whether the dark red liquid increasingly wetting below was blood or the wine Seonha liked to drink. He couldn’t distinguish anything. Reality and delusion mixed together. Even the breathing he’d barely maintained began to fade.
When the presence beyond the headphones grew faint, the dispatcher urgently raised their voice.
—Expectant parent. Expectant parent? You can’t lose consciousness now! You must stay awake even if you have to force yourself! Is your husband or a family member nearby? If anyone’s there, could you switch with them for a moment?
“No…… one. No one…… Just, just me…… I think, I’m bleeding too. When will the ambulance come? Why isn’t it here yet…… You said you’d save our baby. You promised me. I really only have this child left…… hnngh……”
In the end, tears burst out.
Tears that hadn’t come even when Seonha denied it was his biological child now flowed endlessly, wetting his cheeks.
Because it hurt so much. Because it was painful enough to want to let everything go. Because it hurt so much he’d rather die. Moisture kept welling up in his eyes.
—Expectant parent, it’s okay. We’ll arrive soon. Since you said no one’s there, we’ll break down the door and come in. It’s okay. Just talk about anything. You need to stay awake. Just tell me anything, anything you want to say. Expectant parent, you absolutely must not close your eyes, absolutely not!
“Save me…… Please save me…… Save me and our baby, please.”
—Yes, we’ll definitely save you. We’ll absolutely save you. So hold on to your consciousness. You’re doing so well right now, expectant parent.
“Save me, please…… Please save me, Seonha. Please…… Seonhaaaa……”
The plea begging for his and the baby’s lives gradually changed into wailing directed at Seonha. It was more desperate than the words asking to be saved, enough to tighten the chest of even the dispatcher listening to Hongdan’s voice. Later, only small murmurs of “Seonha, Seonha” could be heard.
Crash—!
The sound of something solid falling was heard. Following that came the sounds of multiple footsteps, voices shouting “Expectant parent! Expectant parent!” at the top of their lungs, and all the doors of this damn huge house being flung open in succession.
“Here! Over here, expectant parent!”
“Check consciousness and blood loss first, quickly!”
“Did you find the maternity handbook? I said search everything, what are you doing!”
“Okay, on one-two-three, we lift. One, two, three—”
“Expectant parent, expectant parent? You can’t close your eyes. Focus only on breathing, breathing. You must keep your eyes open no matter what.”
The voices of highly excited people buzzed in his dazed ears. His body floated up and the people around kept calling him, hitting him with their hands. Then he was moved somewhere. A white iron door closed hard, something sharp was inserted into his arm. Rubber was occasionally placed over his mouth and nose. Then again.
Sunlight so bright it hurt his eyes.
That was the end of Hongdan’s memory of that day.
“Unfortunately, it’s a miscarriage. By the time you arrived at the hospital, the blood loss was already considerable, and the expectant parent’s condition wasn’t very good either…… We tried our best, but we couldn’t save the baby. I’m sorry.”
“……”
“But the surgery went well, and if you recover properly, you can definitely meet a child again. Natural pregnancy may be harder than before, but these days the success rate of artificial insemination is quite high too. You’re still young, so if you discuss it well with your husband……”
“……”
“……Expectant parent, are you alright?”
***
“Aaaah—!”
Waking from the nightmare, Hongdan sat up screaming.
No, he’d returned. Having shamelessly forgotten and buried deep in his chest the memory he’d been forgetting, he’d returned to reality alone.
“Aaaaah! Ah—!”
How had he been able to forget all this time? How could I? How could I as a parent?
Hongdan clutched his chest and wailed even louder. It was pain as if his whole body were being torn apart, just like that day. He scratched fiercely at his intact skin, as if telling himself to just be torn apart and die like this, to be ripped to shreds and disappear without a trace.
“Nngh…… Ngh…… Urk! Urk……!”
“Choi Hongdan!”
After repeated groans, Hongdan soon began to heave and dry heave. Seonha immediately ran into the room. He seemed to have been guarding in front of Hongdan’s door the whole time without going into his own room.
Forgetting Hongdan’s warning that he’d kick him out of the house if he entered the room one more time, he fiercely pulled the unsteady Hongdan into his arms. Then he released his pheromones with practiced ease.
“Hongdan, Hongdan? Look at me. Look at me and breathe, okay? Breathe, Hongdan.”
But that only made the memories of clinging alone buried in thick scent even clearer. Hongdan squeezed his eyes shut against the afterimage trying to become vivid again and repeatedly shook his head.
“Go away…… Please just go…… Why are you doing this now, why…… Why are you touching someone who was living well and driving them crazy, whyyyy—!”
Hongdan pushed Seonha away with all his strength. He pinched and scratched the arms firmly binding his body. He mercilessly hit the chest where he kept feeling familiar warmth. Nevertheless, Seonha didn’t move away at all. Rather, he clung more stubbornly.
“I’ll go once you calm down a bit. I can’t go yet. When you’re a little calmer than this, I’ll go then. I’ll go even if you ask me to stay. Just bear with me for now, okay?”
“Why…… Why now, why like this now. Why are you doing this only now…… Why.”
Why didn’t you hold me like this then? When I needed you most, why didn’t you embrace me like I’d break then? You should have done it then. In the scariest moment of my life, in the loneliest moment, you should have been by my side then. You should have comforted me when you were my husband. You should have soothed me. You should have loved me. Before we became strangers like now. Before we became like this, you should have been kind to me.
The sorrow he’d endured alone all along burst out in an instant. Even knowing that the guy holding him now wasn’t that Yeon Seonha but just a bastard who’d become an idiot, Hongdan couldn’t control his surging emotions.
“You son of a bitch. You fucking bastard. You’re truly the world’s worst trash! Who are you to treat me like that! Who are you to make me so lonely! What did I even do wrong! What did I do wrong to you that I have to suffer enough to want to die until now, why!”
His clenched fist repeatedly struck Seonha’s solid chest. A body that once seemed like it would never collapse no matter what—he just hated it now. He hated it most in the world because it seemed like no matter how much he wounded it, not a single scratch would remain.
Seonha pulled Hongdan closer and stroked his small head. Then he whispered in his ear the words he should have said a year ago.
“Yeah, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Hongdan. I was wrong. It’s all my fault, Hongdan.”
“If not for you, our baby would have lived, you know? If you hadn’t just made things hard for me, if you hadn’t stressed me out by sleeping around with other guys! If you hadn’t just treated me like a slut! If you’d just been home that day. Really, if you’d just been there…… they could have lived. I’m saying they really could have lived. I was, I was so scared alone…… I was really so…… hnngh.”
The touching places gradually became wet. Before he knew it, the fist that had been striking his chest had lost strength and was half-open. Seonha fitted his left hand to that right hand and conveyed another apology.
“I’m sorry for making you struggle alone. I’m really sorry.”
“Sorry my ass…… What good does that do now?”
“Still, I’m sorry. I’ll just keep apologizing. I want to keep doing that, Hongdan.”
“I don’t want to hear those words from you, you bastard.”
“I know, I’m sorry.”
“I said I don’t want to hear it, so why do you keep…… urk.”
The movement of rubbing his head, saying he didn’t want to hear words that were way too late, stopped. Soon, his shoulders, which showed his frame clearly due to not eating properly, began to tremble finely.
The trembling was transmitted directly to Seonha. Along with the guilt that had been weighing down Hongdan all along. Only then did Seonha vaguely realize the weight of what he’d lost.
“Hnngh…… Ngh…… Sorry, I’m sorry…… I’m so sorry……”
Therefore, he also instinctively realized that the owner of these sobs wasn’t him.
“I’m sorry…… I’m so, so sorry……”
Perhaps it would be even more unreachable than his apology conveyed to Hongdan—Seonha noticed at once.
“Nngh…… Urk.”
So he just kept saying it endlessly. He whispered softly in Hongdan’s ear until the crying stopped, the heaving stopped, and the irregular breathing gradually spread out evenly.
Honestly, to say he fully understood everything Hongdan was feeling right now would be a lie. He’d questioned from the start whether he even had such paternal love. But seeing Hongdan so miserably broken approached him quite frighteningly.
“It’s all my fault. So resent me, not yourself.”
He held the constantly collapsing body and conveyed his clumsy sincerity all night.
“Scratch me instead, Hongdan.”
Like a year ago, he forcibly pieced together what had already shattered.
