Beep—
As he opened the large front door, the savory smell of food greeted Hongdan. He abruptly stopped his steps that had been hurrying inside.
“…What’s this?”
Did Seonha order someone to prepare a birthday table separately?
But no matter how much he strained his hearing, he couldn’t hear the characteristic busy movements of the employees. It was as if someone had deliberately dismissed them. Bubble bubble. The sound of liquid boiling from the kitchen was the only noise.
Hongdan obediently changed into his indoor shoes and turned around. He carefully moved his feet in case whoever was in the kitchen might be startled. While also removing the pointless expectations that were naturally building up.
It couldn’t be.
Thump.
Despite his resolve to stay calm, his heart beat rapidly.
Even if it is Yeon Seonha in the kitchen right now, he’d just be setting out food that those people prepared in advance, right? Since it’s also the first birthday after marriage, he’d just be at the level of sharing a meal together, right?
Hongdan gathered and regathered his heart that was disgracefully trying to unravel.
But the closer the distance got.
Thud thud thud.
The thicker the pheromone scent embedded between the food smells became.
Thud thud, thud thud thud.
His heart beat more and more fiercely. Hongdan deliberately took a long deep breath.
No, it’s not. Since I’m so uncomfortable with the employees, so they just dismissed everyone so I could eat comfortably…
“You’re here?”
But as if mocking such efforts, Seonha was standing in the middle of the kitchen holding a ladle. What’s more, his proud pure white shirt had quite a few stains that couldn’t be ignored. Anyone with even a bit of sense could easily predict where the source was.
“…”
Obviously it would be the things set here.
With a dumbfounded face, Hongdan looked once at the long dining table filled more than halfway, and once at Seonha who was still busy boiling soup. Soon Seonha, feeling that gaze, also lifted his head to meet his eyes.
Seonha’s lips lengthened. There was no smile that looked so composed.
“You wore those clothes.”
No.
“They suit you well.”
It was splendid.
More than any other time.
Among all the moments of Seonha he’d faced, right now—a mess with various traces—looked the most wonderful.
Hongdan still couldn’t give any reply. He stood motionless in the place where Seonha welcomed him. If he hadn’t gestured first, he probably would have continued rooting there until the long summer sun set.
“Sit.”
Seonha woke Hongdan with a low voice. Only then did all of Hongdan’s muscles resume operation. He answered with a small “Okay” and took his seat in his usual spot.
“Did you make all this?”
Clack. Hongdan grabbed the sleeve of Seonha, who was setting down his utensils, and asked.
Honestly, he already knew the answer. Nevertheless, he wanted to be bothersome on purpose and looked up at Seonha with eyes hazily filled with expectation.
Pfft, a pleasant breeze leaked from Seonha’s lips.
“Isn’t that obvious? If not me, who else would do this?”
…Obvious.
Seonha tossed his reply lightly and indifferently, just like he’d left his gift this morning without a word.
But Hongdan, chewing this over carefully, soon felt something hot surging up from the pit of his stomach. Afraid of being caught with his flushed face, Hongdan lowered his head deeply. Fortunately, Seonha had already turned around and headed to his seat across from him, so he didn’t see.
Swish— The sound of chair legs smoothly sliding and seat leather settling was heard. Soon Seonha poked at the sloppily served side dishes with his chopsticks.
“Try it. It was fine when I tasted it, but I don’t know if it’ll suit your palate.”
Still, as if nervous about the first meal he was serving, Seonha was looking at him with his body leaning far forward.
Hongdan scooped up plenty of the warm, steaming white rice as ordered. Then he lightly dipped it in the seaweed soup broth generously filled with beef before slowly bringing it to his mouth. He could see Seonha’s Adam’s apple descending greatly then rising. So perhaps that’s why.
Clank.
“What? Not eating?”
He wanted to put down his spoon for no reason.
“Why is it obvious?”
Rather than the meal right before his eyes, he wanted to act a bit more spoiled.
Since Seonha had handled that earlier question without difficulty, a vague belief arose that he might answer this childish question too.
Like a child throwing a tantrum about side dishes, Hongdan pulled his body far from the table and asked once more.
“Why is it obvious that you make me food?”
“What are you suddenly talking about? Just try the food.”
Seonha’s eyebrows squirmed greatly, as if he found Hongdan absurd for suddenly latching onto his words. But the more he did so, the more stubbornly Hongdan shook his head.
“I won’t eat until you answer.”
“Ha. What kind of stubbornness is this?”
“What’s the reason it’s obvious to serve me food?”
“Are you a question mark serial killer?”
“What?”
“I’m going crazy, really…”
Seonha, who had been looking at the sparkling eyes directed at him, soon let out a deep sigh and rose from his seat. He sat right next to Hongdan and forcibly shoved the spoon he’d put down into his mouth.
“Mmph…! Ah, really!”
Hongdan’s expression immediately crumpled. Instead of an apology, Seonha put a piece of kimchi in his mouth. Then he immediately prepared the next spoonful.
“You idiot, I’m your only family now.”
Scooping rice even bigger than what Hongdan had taken earlier.
“Where else would you get a birthday meal if not from me? Of course I have to serve it to you.”
He cut the galbi into bite-sized pieces and held it out again.
“It’ll be annoying to answer every year, so memorize it properly this time. I’m your husband, and a husband is family.”
There wasn’t a single gap visible in the spoon.
“…”
Hongdan stopped moving his jaw diligently and looked down at the rice filled as much as Seonha’s devotion. Then a warm hand rested on the back of his head.
“Don’t swallow it all at once just because you’re upset, chew thoroughly.”
That hand stroked and stroked his hair that had been all ruffled.
It seemed he would continue until he swallowed everything he’d received from him. At that moment.
“…Sniff.”
“…What? Are you crying?”
Something he’d been holding onto the whole time snapped. Hongdan’s tear ducts couldn’t hold out any longer and released their tears.
“Hng…”
“No… Why are you crying all of a sudden?”
Seonha immediately threw down the spoon and lifted Hongdan’s face. His deep gray eyes resembling settled fog were full of confusion.
“Is it because I forced you to eat when you didn’t want to?”
Hongdan shook his head side to side. But perhaps because the tears wouldn’t stop, Seonha seemed to think it was a lie told out of consideration. He still wiped Hongdan’s tears with one hand while pushing away the rice bowl that had only made the mood gloomy.
“Got it, don’t eat. I’ll put this away, so for now go to your room…”
“…I want, sniff, to.”
The small mouth that had only been letting faint moans flow finally opened.
“What?”
“I want… to eat this.”
Hongdan rubbed his red eyes roughly with his forearm and pulled the rice bowl over. Seonha stopped Hongdan, even creasing his brow.
“No, I’m saying you don’t need to force yourself?”
“I said I want to eat it. You said it’s my birthday meal. So I’m going to eat it all.”
But because Hongdan glared with an expression three times fiercer and threatened him, he ultimately brought back the spoon he’d tossed over his shoulder. Then he carefully held out the rice still steaming hot with the galbi beautifully placed on top again.
“…Say ‘ah’ then.”
At that sight, emotions welled up again.
“Huk.”
Moisture pooled again in the eyes he’d worked to wipe. This time too, Seonha couldn’t put the prettily scooped spoonful into Hongdan’s mouth.
“Ah, seriously! Why are you crying? Did something happen outside?”
Yeah, something did.
I went to a nice restaurant but got annoyed because I was alone. I felt miserable thinking I seemed to be the only one who grew up never properly receiving birthday congratulations from family.
Hongdan had a heap of things he wanted to chatter about to Seonha down to every detail. But right now, the best he could do was cry while controlling his breathing so he wouldn’t choke.
“Hwaeng…”
“Are you going to eat or not?”
“I said I’ll eat—!”
“Then stop crying and open your mouth.”
“…Sniff, ah.”
“…This is ridiculous.”
Seonha sent a blank stare but never left the seat next to him. He kept feeding him rice from that spot. He also didn’t forget to occasionally supplement fluids in case his husband, who was pouring tears like a turned-on faucet, might get dehydrated. When he couldn’t open his mouth properly and food got around his mouth, he wiped that away with his fingers too.
Finally, when the rice bowl started showing its bottom.
“Done crying now?”
Hongdan’s tears had almost stopped before he knew it.
Seonha carefully gathered the last spoonful and held it out while making a light joke.
“Even if today’s food was tasteless, it’s because your tears and snot got mixed in, so don’t blame me.”
Hongdan opened his mouth without a word. Then Seonha’s piled-up heart filled it. It was the most overwhelming bite among everything he’d swallowed today. While slowly savoring it, a vague memory from who knows when surfaced in his head.
‘Convey your heart to your loved one along with their birth flower’
It was a common promotional phrase from a flower shop.
Somehow not wanting to just pass by, he’d gone right in and asked about his birth flower.
‘June 24th… 24… Ah! It’s verbena. The flower language is family harmony. You must be like a gift to your family, customer.’
At the time, he’d immediately let out a cold sneer. But now as that memory surfaced, an innocent smile seeped out without him knowing.
Hongdan called out to his partner with a face clearly infused with happiness.
“Seonha.”
He was taking something out of the refrigerator. Soon he turned around slowly, holding a large cake box.
“Yeah, why?”
That was splendid too. Hongdan floated pretty crescents in his eyes.
“Thank you for celebrating my birthday today.”
And also for becoming my family.
***
But two hours later.
“Ha… Seriously.”
The fluffy atmosphere was nowhere to be found.
Seonha was hardening his face while holding a steaming mug, and below him Hongdan was groaning while clutching his bursting stomach. It was because despite eating lunch twice, he’d stubbornly emptied half the cake as well. The letters ‘pathetic’ were clearly embedded in Seonha’s eyes looking down at him.
Thud.
Seonha set down his mug on the side table and asked seriously.
“Are you being kind of crazy today?”
Hongdan only mumbled “Uhhng…” without the strength to argue. Inwardly, he also felt resentful that he had to waste this precious day like this because of his useless body.
I have so much I want to say. I want to convey things I’ve kept bottled up alone all this time.
I want… to be together a bit more.
Hongdan forcibly hid his protruding lips and looked up at Seonha stickily. Instead, he kept blinking his eyelids, asking him to quickly read these inner thoughts.
Whether Seonha really noticed this or not, soon he sat down occupying a slight edge of the bed. Then while brushing away Hongdan’s disheveled bangs, he gestured with his chin at the cup he’d brought.
“It’s chamomile tea. It’s good for settling your stomach, so drink it slowly.”
Hongdan briefly considered whether to pull over the hand gently brushing his forehead. His fingers hidden in the blanket became busy.
“You’re not going to tell me why you cried earlier, right?”
Seonha pressed the reddened corners of his eyes with his ring finger. Hongdan only rolled his eyes around, not knowing where to start the story.
If he laid out all the past stories, it would seem too pathetic. But if he just summarized today, he’d seem like a petty adult jealous of a child.
Hmm…
Hongdan chose and chose his first words. But as the silence lengthened, the other party seemed to have judged that he didn’t want to bring it up. Seonha shared warmth for a while then soon withdrew his hand and rose from his seat.
“Rest.”
Huh?
“I’ll be in my room, so if you need anything, call…”
No!
Hongdan urgently grabbed Seonha’s forearm. It was such a firm strength that even Seonha, who didn’t lose in size to most people, had no choice but to sit down again.
Seonha looked over Hongdan with a worried face, wondering if the stomach pain had returned.
“Why, do you need something now? Should I just call a doctor?”
Hongdan shook his head vigorously. Still uneasy, he hugged the arm he’d grabbed tightly and mumbled.
“Fa… mily, you said.”
At the somewhat out-of-the-blue word, Seonha’s head tilted.
“So?”
“You said it first…”
Connecting the words one by one, Hongdan felt like his heartbeat was louder than his own voice.
He worried whether he was speaking properly. But thinking that if he didn’t convey his feelings now, he’d keep putting it off, he moved his lips for now.
“Then that… just, can’t you come in here?”
“…”
“It’s weird for family to use separate beds.”
He didn’t remember well after this.
The blanket was just lifted wide open and Seonha dug into the place warmed by his body temperature without hesitation. Then while embracing the body that was half the size compared to his own bulk, he seemed to have said something softly. Hongdan also poured out all kinds of trivial stories, but stories he’d long wanted to chatter to someone.
After conversing like that for a while.
“Choi Hongdan, look at me.”
Did their lips overlap soon after?
“Arms.”
Coming to his senses again, were they undressing each other? Were they pressing their stomachs together? Was he crying beneath Seonha?
I’m not sure.
Anyway, after that day, in this vast house, there remained exactly one bed only in Seonha’s room. Only that fact was certain.
His room, which had lost its bed and purpose, was transformed into a study modeled after the interior of the library he frequented. On that day when Seonha showed him the space he’d spent a month preparing, he seemed to have embraced this solid back until it broke, just like today.
Hongdan loved Seonha like that.
He loved Seonha who promised to willingly become his family, the fence he was having for the first time in his life.
It was a love finally embraced after running through countless weary summers.
June 24, 2021.
This day was Hongdan’s twenty-fourth birthday.
And it was also exactly the 100th day since they got married.
