# Chapter 99
With a somewhat dazed expression, Bel looked at Woosang.
“If you felt I had no feelings for you, that’s wrong.”
I could tell at a glance that Woosang’s emotional words were sincere. His sincerity always contained desperation.
So Bel, facing him, would understand his emotions just like I did.
Just then, I noticed his slightly trembling fingertips. But I didn’t sense complete anxiety from that sight.
“Making me say such embarrassing things, you’re not trying to turn your back on me, are you?”
“…Of course not.”
“If you understand, then that’s enough.”
As the two relaxed their expressions, my tightly constricted chest gradually loosened.
The two stood silently for a while, then cleared their spots with composed expressions as if they had never revealed their true feelings.
I could have cleared my spot too if my bottle was empty, but I hesitated about whether to get up due to the still-full bottle.
Woosang, perhaps noticing my full bottle, took it from my hand, silently emptied it along with Bel, and extended his hand to me.
“Let’s head back now. It seems the weather has already become chilly.”
“Indeed.”
“Bel, are you going back now too?”
“Yes.”
I obediently took his outstretched hand and rose from my seat. I got up awkwardly and received the gazes of the two.
Under their unrelenting gazes, I somehow felt a bit embarrassed. I wondered if I should say something too, but nothing suitable came to mind.
“Let’s go back now.”
Bel spoke in a light tone. And with just those brief words, I felt that her stuffiness had been somewhat relieved.
That was fortunate. A sense of relief enveloped my body at the fact that we could leave this place with comfortable hearts and come back again.
“Teo.”
“Yes?”
“My offer to pretend not to know you if you break up with Woosang is still valid. Keep in touch.”
“…Thanks. But I don’t think that will happen.”
Like someone who had forgotten how to speak, I added words bit by bit. Embarrassed by the words I had spoken with difficulty, I walked ahead of the two. And soon after, Woosang followed me and stroked my back.
Watching this silently, Bel suddenly stopped in place and didn’t move. When the sound of footsteps stopped, Woosang pulled my arm to make me stop too and approached Bel.
“What’s wrong?”
“Actually, you two go in first. I’ll come in separately a bit later.”
“Why? Let’s just go together.”
“I want to think alone for a bit.”
At her words, Woosang anxiously clenched his hands, seeming to measure what he should say. Seeing Woosang fall silent, Bel hastily waved her hands as if flustered.
“I really just want to think alone. No special reason. I’ll walk a bit and come in before it gets late.”
“Will that be okay?”
“Yes. See you later.”
I was puzzled by her evasiveness, showing a troubled face after having seemed to settle everything with a relieved expression just moments ago, but on the other hand, I understood her feelings.
Bel hesitated as if about to leave, roughly rubbed her face, and exhaled a long sigh. Then she took a step closer to Woosang and spoke.
“I’m sorry about earlier today. I got needlessly emotional… You know I didn’t mean it, right?”
“…Yes.”
“Then that’s fine. Go in quickly. See you in a bit.”
As if embarrassed by her apology, she couldn’t properly meet his gaze and left for the main street without even waiting for a response.
“She really left.”
Like Woosang’s muttered words, not having expected her to vacate her place like this, Woosang and I were at a loss, as if abandoned.
As we reached the front of the house, Woosang let out a long sigh similar to the one Bel had earlier, watching her back grow distant.
Despite his endless-seeming sigh, Woosang didn’t seem to harbor any stuffiness. His expression instead looked refreshed, as if he had finally put down a heavy burden he had been carrying.
‘Has Woosang ever made such an expression?’
I couldn’t remember. Even if he had, I might not have noticed due to lack of leisure, or I might have turned away.
I was glad I could see him showing signs of happiness.
After staring at Woosang’s face for a long time, he seemed uncomfortable and suddenly erased his expression, covering his face slightly with his arm, perhaps embarrassed.
“Why are you looking at me like that?”
“Oh.”
“Is there something on my face?”
“No. It’s just that I’ve never seen Woosang make a face like that before, so I was fascinated.”
I reached out to lower his arm and examined his face again. His expression, which had briefly appeared, had already vanished, returning to the usual Woosang.
“What kind of expression did I make?”
“Like someone who had put down a heavy burden somewhere.”
At my words, Woosang opened his eyes wide and then laughed refreshingly. Since I rarely saw him laugh like this either, I stared at him without even blinking for a while, wondering if I had said something wrong.
“Now you know everything about me.”
“Surely not.”
Woosang shook his head as if somehow amused, took my hand again, and led me.
The temperature felt from his palm continued to warm me, as if it wouldn’t disappear in the cool breeze.
“It’s a good thing.”
A good thing… Though I wasn’t sure which aspect was good, if he had come to feel okay, there couldn’t be a better thing than that.
His persistent smile still shone in the dark streets. Though I couldn’t clearly guess, seeing him filled with positive emotions, I too seemed to feel various emotions rising.
“Do you feel better after talking with Bel than before? Not anxious or anything?”
“Yes, I’m fine. Now I think I can leave this place without regrets.”
I suddenly wondered if he truly had no lingering attachments. Woosang had lived in Europe for quite a long time, and he must have experienced countless events. Yet I wanted to ask if he really had no regrets.
Though he had joyfully accepted leaving because of me without any hesitation, I felt sure there must be at least one thing lingering in his heart.
“Is there nothing else bothering Woosang besides me and Bel? Still, you’ve lived here for quite a long time.”
“That’s true.”
He answered without any particular hesitation to my words.
“Even if I lived here without becoming attached to this place, it doesn’t mean there’s nothing precious to me at all. But…”
“But?”
“Though it’s awkward, I now have a place to return to, and there’s someone waiting for me, so what more do I need?”
What more would I need? The questions I had been holding gradually disappeared at his satisfied expression.
Though I wanted to hear more detailed stories, we had already arrived at the house and he was opening the door, so it seemed like it would be too long a conversation to ask now.
After entering the house, Woosang and I tidied up the messy place and took showers in turn.
Afterward, while waiting for Bel to return, we sat on the sofa and watched the streets glowing with unextinguished lights.
After silently listening to the noise made by cars passing on the road, I stared at Woosang, who seemed deep in thought like me.
He was following the scenery outside the window with his eyes, disregarding my gaze. Then, without any warning, he caressed the worn tips of my fingers.
“Now that we’re leaving together, I want to say this.”
“…”
“I don’t fully trust Teo. I didn’t in the past, I don’t now, and I probably won’t in the future.”
There was a stronger pressure on my fingertips in his grip.
“I’m saying this for Teo’s sake, but also for my own. I’m not perfect, and I will never be perfect in the future. I want you to know that for sure. Even if we fight and slander each other…”
“I know what you’re trying to say.”
I knew it very well. We had always depicted perfection to each other and to ourselves, and we had learned, little by little, that perfection doesn’t exist in this world.
I knew better than anyone else why he was reminding me of that fact again, even though I understood it well.
Now we are about to embark on a very long journey.
Surely, even when we get there, many big and small events will occur, just like in Switzerland before, and like what just happened.
If so, it was inevitable that there would be occasions where we would get hurt and suffer internally. I gathered my thoughts and released the tension in my fingertips.
“If we ever hurt each other, say ‘I love you’ instead of apologizing.”
“…”
“That’s what Woosang told me before.”
Right? I added briefly. Confessing my feelings to him was such a heavy and frightening task, both in the past and present.
But now, I felt surprisingly calm and deeply satisfied.
Woosang didn’t respond to my words for a while, then got up from his seat and approached me from the front rather than the side, gently caressing my cheek.
“If I say those words, how will Teo answer me?”
I knew what words Woosang wanted to hear now. They were the words I always wanted to whisper to him, and still wanted to say. But they ultimately caught in my throat and wouldn’t come out.
“Shall I say it first now?”
Though the window was certainly open, my breath felt constricted as if the air wasn’t flowing. Probably because Woosang’s face was right up close to mine.
“Sometimes I really like it when you say things that pierce through me like that.”
“…”
“I love you.”
My heart pounded fiercely and my face heated up. My throat burned as if someone had tightly gripped my collar.
“…Well.”
I couldn’t ultimately answer his words. Somehow feeling like I was committing a sin because of that fact, I dropped my head to the ground.
Woosang still caressed me gently, as if handling something precious. His warmth always made me immerse deeply in emotions like this.
Just then, a loud doorbell rang throughout the house. It seemed that Bel had returned.
As the doorbell that had seemed to stop rang again, Woosang moved away from me and headed toward the door.
The repeatedly ringing doorbell suddenly felt like a bell signaling the end of our long wandering.
Now we must leave.
I wanted to leave a complete trace in that strange land where nothing remained except for very small footprints.
I will leave deep, indelible traces there with him.
