# Chapter 90
It seems the past I thought I’d lived through without feeling anything unexpectedly remained unforgotten within me.
Just as my body, stiff and immobile until now, was gradually regaining strength, I occasionally recalled the old house in France and the rural village in Canada where I had lived with my uncle.
Even now, in this chaotic situation, I remembered the things my uncle had done in the past.
I didn’t realize it then, but if there’s anything I’ve clearly understood now, it’s that my uncle had wanted to die for quite some time.
What was I thinking as a child, looking at the room where crying sounds could be heard? But no matter how hard I tried to recall, those emotions still remained incomplete.
Yet I wasn’t sure if I could continue to ignore everything even in this situation. It seemed like the time had come to understand and know everything.
***
I saw myself opening my eyes, as if I had momentarily lost consciousness. The pain that had been imperceptible suddenly poured over me all at once, like tumbling down a slope.
Hund, extremely angry, was looking down at me. By all appearances, he should be the winner in this situation, yet Hund was always angry.
I tightly closed my mouth to hold back a groan, then slowly opened it.
“…Do you think I killed him?”
“…”
Hund just looked down at me with his hand raised, as if he was about to swing his fist again.
“…You know I didn’t.”
“No!”
His shout echoed through the narrow alley as if it would tear it apart. I felt his spittle splattering thickly on my face. I frowned and bit my lip.
“You killed him. From the beginning, it all went wrong when I brought you to France!”
That couldn’t be. My life started going astray after meeting Woosang. By then, my uncle was already dead.
He was just looking for someone to blame. I could feel Hund’s hands trembling. I got up and grabbed his hands instead.
I pushed Hund against the wall and barely held onto my faltering consciousness. I felt a small thrill seeing Hund being pushed back powerlessly.
“Stop saying nonsense! Since when did you ever care about who killed him or how he died…”
His bloodshot eyes followed me. If I just applied pressure and twisted his neck, it would all be over.
Then everything would end. It would truly be over. But I couldn’t easily apply that force.
‘Why do I always hesitate like this?’
I knew well why I hesitated. Just as Hund was unilaterally blaming me for my uncle’s death, if I killed Hund, the responsibility for his death would be entirely transferred to me.
It was the same principle by which my childhood mistakes had tormented me until now. This death, too, would surely keep pursuing me as long as I lived. I didn’t have the confidence to endure it.
Not just me, but Woosang would feel the same. Of course, nothing might happen. But I didn’t want to rely on speculation.
I couldn’t bear it anymore.
Sensing my hesitation, Hund pushed me away and quickly began to escape through the alleyways.
I tried to chase him, but catching him wouldn’t calm these wavering emotions.
‘What should I do in this situation?’
Taking hot breaths, I leaned against the wall and rubbed my eyes to relax my tension. A corner of my aching head continued to scream without stopping.
I thought for a long time about what to do next, but the answer was always the same.
‘I need to ask Woosang after all.’
Of course, I didn’t mean to leave everything to him. The correct meaning was that I needed to seek advice.
I regretted why I had never thought to ask him seriously and had always avoided it. There was no reason to be so embarrassed, and I hated this miserable situation I had created myself.
Looking back, I used to be ashamed of asking him something and hearing his answer. When we first met, I didn’t know such emotions, but as I learned new things from him and gradually came to know the world, I also came to know shame.
That’s why I had clearly reached this desperate situation. Because I had come to know such emotions.
But watching Hund escape, I realized how useless the days I had spent brooding and worrying alone had been.
It was clear that Hund too couldn’t bear the fact that he had revealed his emotions to someone and was trying to kill me.
So I needed to take a different path from him.
I left the alley and walked back into the noisy street. After looking around for a while, I listened to the noise around me as I crossed the road to head toward the hotel.
Unintelligible languages mixed together, becoming noise that tickled my head. Though my appearance was no different from theirs, I had a small fear that I wouldn’t be able to blend in here.
‘If it weren’t for Woosang, I wouldn’t have had any reason to come to this city.’
I would never have known the fact that languages one doesn’t understand can torment a person.
But even standing amidst languages I could understand, there was no way all those words would sound gentle.
However, it was different by his side.
I was curious about the unfamiliar words Woosang used, and I wanted to understand everything he did. I knew very well what this emotion was.
Pushed by the crowd, I crossed the street and walked to the hotel where he was. Though it was a short time, somehow it felt like climbing a mountain, and I was out of breath and growing tired.
Reaching the hotel lobby, I stared at the closed entrance. Then suddenly, my reflection in the window caught my eye.
“When did I get these wounds…”
It was only natural since I had rolled on the ground several times, but my reflected appearance was utterly unbearable to look at.
I brushed off the dust on my clothes and face with my hand, but that couldn’t erase the already reddened wounds.
The window reflecting this wretched and lonely human that was me felt cruel.
‘I wonder if I can go in like this. What should I do…’
I imagined what would happen if I entered like this and approached Woosang. The first image that came to mind was Woosang, erasing all expression and suppressing his emotions.
And the alternative he would offer with that cold demeanor would certainly be imperfect.
My insides suddenly felt stifled.
Although he was better than anyone at suppressing his emotions, Woosang always presented extreme choices when he saw me in a mess or when urgent situations arose.
Just recalling our reunion in Brussels was proof enough. Somehow, it felt like my heart was sinking.
If an emotional me and an increasingly extreme him were to face tomorrow together, the end was predictable without even seeing it.
Having no choice, I turned around and headed into the streets. It seemed better for both me and Woosang to cool our heads before meeting.
I looked around.
Still, only difficult-to-understand words were heard, and it was hard to find the way to go.
‘I should at least leave a message for Woosang that I’ll see him tomorrow.’
I took out my phone and turned it on, but the screen must have broken when I collapsed on the ground, as it wouldn’t power on.
Seeing that, an even greater anxiety than before hit me. If communication was cut off like this, it was obvious that something worse than seeing my injured appearance would happen.
Having no choice, I turned back toward the hotel again. What would Woosang think seeing me returning injured just hours after blurting out hurtful words and running out?
But if I showed him my emotions as much as possible and persuaded him, it seemed like it might work out somehow. I brushed off the dirty parts with my hands and entered the hotel lobby.
Just then, by chance, the elevator door opened and I saw Woosang coming out. With an expressionless face, Woosang was making his way through the people and seemed to be heading towards the back instead of the front door.
Seeing him, I knew I should rush over, but contrary to my thoughts, my body quickly moved behind a pillar next to the lobby.
‘Why did I hide?’
I should go back right now and apologize, saying all the words I said earlier were mistakes, but my feet just wouldn’t move.
While I was fidgeting, he disappeared through the back door.
‘Let’s talk when Woosang returns to the hotel. Not now, but in an hour. After returning to the room…’
A conclusion was arbitrarily reached in my mind.
The image of Woosang who had disappeared flickered before my eyes. His drooping shoulders looked pitiful and also lonely. Nevertheless, I felt relieved at having avoided a conversation with him right now.
Since Hund had run away like that, it didn’t seem like there would be a big problem if Woosang went outside. That fact was the only fortunate aspect.
As I stood by the door for a long time, glancing around, an employee approached and spoke to me.
[May I help you?]
[No, I’m fine.]
The employee asked me with a troubled expression, perhaps my hiding looked suspicious. It seemed unreasonable to just stand there blankly without going inside, so I had no choice but to turn around.
My body felt heavy, so it seemed too much to continue wandering around nearby. I thought about going somewhere, but all I had was one empty bag.
Just in case, I reached into the front pocket of the bag. Luckily, there were a few bills that Woosang had put there.
I entered a cafe that didn’t look too crowded and ordered a cup of coffee. Receiving the quickly served coffee, I went to the window and found a seat.
It was ironic to be drinking coffee like this in a situation where I couldn’t see one step ahead.
But in a way, all the days spent with Woosang were similar to now.
Small happiness and leisure in precarious situations allowed us to breathe. Even at the moment I thought I should let go at last, a reason always emerged why I couldn’t.
Even after dealing with the issue concerning Hund, dangerous things like this might still happen.
‘But I’m sure we can find a good answer. I have to believe that.’
Anxiety and small hope bloomed alternately. I turned my gaze to look at my trembling fingertips. My whole body was shouting to escape this situation, but my mind was screaming to endure a little longer.
My insides were so twisted that acid rose up. The small wounds from the scuffle with Hund were also emitting heat.
The remaining day felt like a year. Just when I believed I had gone through countless events and improved, another pain like this would come along, making it hard to breathe.
I thought I could overcome this time too, but that doesn’t mean the pain will disappear right away.
