# Chapter 88
I couldn’t fathom what I was thinking when I blurted out those words to Woosang. It’s true that I sometimes felt disappointed, regretful, and sorry when he hid things from me.
But I never thought that Woosang made me feel miserable or sorrowful.
All of this must be exaggerated emotions created by the current situation.
‘Otherwise, I wouldn’t have said hurtful things to Woosang’
While painful thoughts crossed my mind, I also felt that if I didn’t push him, we might never have a day when we would speak our true feelings to each other.
But was it right to say such sharp words at this particular time? I didn’t want a relationship that would slowly crumble and eventually disappear like dust. Woosang would feel the same.
Before meeting him, I believed that the tender emotions that only existed in novels weren’t real in the world. It had been a long time since I met Woosang and realized that wasn’t true.
But paradoxically, it also sounded like saying that the eternal love in novels doesn’t exist in reality either.
‘Don’t doubt. If I doubt this relationship now, everything will collapse. You know that. So…’
Suddenly, my fingertips began to tremble frantically. Like someone had trapped me in an airless, sealed space, I couldn’t breathe and my head spun.
I wanted to just collapse right there, but I couldn’t. I forcibly dragged my body and leaned against the wall.
But I still felt like my body might topple to the ground. As I shook my dizzy head, my body plunged toward the floor without warning.
There should have been a loud thud, but only a strong ringing echoed in my ears. I opened my closed eyes and looked ahead. Footsteps of passersby approached me as I lay fallen.
‘Breath, I need to breathe first…’
I tried hard to catch my interrupted breath. I reached out to raise myself, but couldn’t touch the floor. I wanted to close my eyes, but it felt like if I did, I might never get up again.
I couldn’t let that happen. No matter how desperate the situation, I couldn’t die.
There were too many things I wanted to see and feel by his side to die.
‘Yes, I want to learn the things I don’t know by his side. I want to know exactly why I said those words to Woosang, and why I felt that sense of loss, all of it.’
Contrary to these thoughts, my body still felt heavy. People around me seemed to be helping me up and saying something to me.
My ears were still muffled, but as I sat properly and didn’t let go of my thoughts, my senses seemed to return little by little.
Some people, thinking I couldn’t understand German, asked in English if I was okay. I barely managed to answer that I was fine, mimicking their words.
I took the outstretched hand and stood up. After confirming that I had come to my senses, people left my side as if returning to their own paths.
‘How long have I been here?’
It didn’t seem like I had been wandering around this area for too long after rushing out, but the already darkened sky told me that quite some time had passed.
I looked around to see if there was a clock nearby. Fortunately, there was a large clock hanging in a visible place.
The time was well past 10 PM. I had definitely left the hotel just after 9, so I had been wandering the streets for an hour.
‘Woosang must be worried.’
Suddenly, I remembered when we went to Switzerland. Then too, after a big fight, I had left alone to try and clear my troubled mind.
And in the end, I didn’t find the answer I wanted and only ended up hurting Woosang.
I thought I had matured a lot and learned about the world, but in the end, not much had changed from then.
I needed to return to where Woosang was right away. In my absence, he too might be trapped in anxious thoughts, unable to escape, just like back then.
The cool image of Woosang’s back that I had seen then flickered in my mind. Just thinking about it made my eyes sting.
I closed my eyes tightly and walked slowly, holding my dizzy head. My body was still trembling, but not to the point where I couldn’t move.
I wondered if I had hit something when I fell, but that didn’t seem to be the case. Relieved, I slowly traced familiar roads back to the hotel.
‘When I get back, I’ll apologize and say it wasn’t sincere, and that I’ll resolve it since it’s my problem. Then everything will be fine, it’s okay.’
I repeated this to myself several times, trying not to get unnecessarily anxious.
I entered the hotel and took the elevator. Even during the quick ascent, my breath still trembled slightly.
And when I arrived at the door, my chest fluttered as much as when I couldn’t breathe outside. My tense body moved on its own. Still, I had to do what needed to be done.
After hesitating in front of the door for a while, I rang the bell. Somehow, it felt like my heart was beating strongly to the rhythm of the ringing sound.
But no matter how many times I rang the bell, there was no response from inside.
It was strange. Wondering if Woosang might be asleep, I put my ear to the door and checked for any signs of movement inside, but I couldn’t hear anything.
Immediately, unpleasant thoughts filled my mind. I tried to deliberately erase them, but what was the use?
I stood in front of the door for a while, waiting for Woosang. He might have gone out to look for me, so if I waited here, he might return.
So one hour, two hours passed.
Time flowed mercilessly. Unable to wait anymore, I gathered courage and called him, but as expected, his phone was turned off.
“…No way.”
My heart felt like it was dropping to the ground.
‘If Woosang met Hund again and something happened, Hund would have called me. So…’
Just then, a neatly dressed staff member walked out of the elevator. His eyes met mine as I lingered in front of the door, and he was carefully observing me.
He approached me cautiously and asked gently in English.
[Do you need any help?]
At those words, I slowly stood up from the door and considered how to respond.
[My friend, who was sharing the room with me, left without saying anything, so I couldn’t get in. I don’t particularly need help.]
[If you don’t mind, shall I open the door for you? Rather than continuing to wait outside…]
Despite the staff’s polite tone, a trace of awkwardness was visible on his face.
Come to think of it, I remembered people passing by giving me glances. Apparently, I looked suspicious guarding the door, and someone had consulted the staff.
[Yes, could you open it for me then?]
The staff member opened the door to my room willingly, saying he had seen me at the lobby several times before.
After thanking him, I went inside.
But the interior was, unsurprisingly, completely empty. Contrary to my hope that he was simply ignoring me, the space felt indifferent with no trace of presence remaining.
Wondering if he might have gone out somewhere, I checked Woosang’s belongings to see if anything was missing, but only his wallet and phone seemed to be gone.
‘I shouldn’t think too sharply…’
But thoughts never flow according to one’s will. My heart, which I had just managed to calm, began to speed up again. Feeling like I might collapse to the ground again, I staggered and flopped down on the bed.
The bed rippled slightly from the impact of sitting. I reached inside the blanket, but as expected, not a trace of warmth remained.
I slowly lay my body down on the cold blanket.
Come to think of it, it was always Woosang’s role to wait for the other, never mine.
Because I was never certain whether I should stay by his side, I always thought only of leaving, and it was naturally Woosang who didn’t give up and held onto me.
I suddenly realized how brave his actions had been. The corner of my lips seemed to quiver. It was as if the lips that couldn’t say what they wanted were rebelling.
‘Let’s wait a bit longer. Woosang won’t leave me.’
It was beneficial for me to conserve energy now. I closed my eyes tightly and sought sleep that wouldn’t come.
The world was still spinning like a top, but as I relaxed my tension, my body grew heavy as if nothing had happened, and the surroundings began to quiet down.
***
The sunlight gently touched my eyes. I seemed to have fallen asleep waiting for Woosang late at night, but somehow it had become morning.
“What time is it?”
I hurriedly got up and checked the time. 8 AM. I blinked at the time that had passed as if it had disappeared.
‘Woosang…’
I quickly surveyed the room, but nothing had changed from last night.
I was still alone in this space. His neatly packed luggage still occupied the corner unchanged, and the various small items of Woosang’s on the table were still keeping their places.
Woosang hadn’t returned during the night.
I couldn’t believe the fact that he had spent the night somewhere else, leaving me behind. No, it was I who had left him. I had abandoned him and ran away.
A strong headache struck me from the morning.
The still silent phone and the unchanged space. All of this felt like a lie.
‘What if he didn’t return because he couldn’t return?’
What should I do if Woosang had been caught by Hund while he was out looking for me?
Now, it was neither sadness nor wandering, but anger that found me. Why had yesterday’s me just slept so complacently in the room? I felt suffocated by my own stupidity.
“I have to kill him…”
Just days ago, I had hesitated and avoided killing Hund, but now, looking at the empty spot beside me, everything seemed to be perfectly clear in my mind.
All my emotions and thoughts seemed to have finished preparing, calling for just one action.
I slowly picked up the bag placed on the chair. The bag that had felt so heavy now felt incredibly light.
Even if Woosang hadn’t been taken by Hund, it didn’t matter.
In the end, the source of all anxiety was Hund, and the unchanging fact was that if I killed him, our lives would be perfectly settled.
As I looked out the window, I also saw my faintly reflected image. The person in the reflection had the face of a stranger I had never seen before.
