Seo Nakil said it didn’t matter that he loved me, but that was wrong.
It was surprisingly important. Even though, as he said, I had more urgent problems than that.
The emotion called love was like a very thin membrane. It resembled a warm curtain of light that easily stuck anywhere and wasn’t easily erased, transparent yet faintly sparkling.
Perhaps that’s why. Seo Nakil in my memory became a bit more vivid wearing the emotion called love. It meant that the actions he’d done to me, the words he’d whispered, the body heat he’d passed on, the choices he’d shown—each and every one began to sparkle anew.
Like that, Seo Nakil began to be perceived differently inside me bit by bit. Now I couldn’t pass by carelessly and pretending not to know like before.
For instance, there was something like the sensation of the hand he’d held before parting. He’d just silently held my hand without saying anything, yet I read the emotions he didn’t speak within it. In every action of grasping my hand whole, intertwining his fingers between mine to clasp hands, sliding his thumb along the soft flesh near my palm lines then pressing firmly—I ended up proving his quiet affection.
“Ijae-ya.”
“Yes, Seungwoo hyung.”
I quickly shook off my thoughts from a few days ago and raised my head. No matter how vivid Seo Nakil’s presence was, I had to put it aside for now.
“Has it been 10 minutes? Should we start practicing the next song?”
Checking the clock on the wall, it was just before 11:30 AM. It meant break time was almost over.
But Min Seungwoo shook his head. Even though the other members had all gotten up from their seats.
“No. I’m thinking of moving up the lunch schedule a bit.”
“…Now? Yes. Let’s go together.”
As I stood up puzzled, he gestured toward the door with his eyes.
“You should go with your guest.”
“Guest… oh.”
Confirming the figure hovering at the door, I opened my eyes wide.
“Lee Yuwon sunbae-nim?”
As I ran out of the practice room in one breath, flustered, Lee Yuwon quickly extended his arm and wrapped it around my shoulder.
“What brings you here, Won-i hyung? When everyone’s here…”
“What about everyone being here? Did I come somewhere I shouldn’t?”
Unlike his blunt voice, the hand ruffling my hair was endlessly affectionate.
“Make some time, kiddo.”
* * *
“Since you’re getting treated, pick somewhere expensive.”
“It’s beef in its own way. It’s much more expensive than the company cafeteria.”
“Really, you too, you don’t know how to use a hyung who makes good money.”
Lee Yuwon snatched the menu from my hand and ordered a Korean beef shabu-shabu set. Not satisfied with that, he added one plate of Korean beef, yukhoe, and braised short ribs.
“I can’t eat all that.”
“Who doesn’t know you have a small appetite? Just eat one bite of each. Even though management is life, why are you so thin?”
At the nagging while looking over my face with a displeased gaze, I eventually laughed out loud.
“You start nagging as soon as we sit down?”
“If you have eyes, look in a mirror. Do I look like I won’t nag? You’re someone I…”
Lee Yuwon let out a deep sigh.
“Even when I resolve not to scold you, not to scold you, why is it useless when I see you?”
“In hyung’s eyes, I must seem like a kid forever.”
It couldn’t be helped. I’d be 8 years behind Lee Yuwon forever. Knowing that all this nagging was his friendship and concern, I wasn’t bothered.
“But what brought you to the agency? It can’t be just to see me.”
Lee Yuwon respected my choice not to want to cause trouble for his fame. It was because he hoped not to burden me when Days’ popularity was in full swing.
So instead of openly acknowledging me in front of others, he always contacted me separately to meet.
“Two birds with one stone.”
He replied while pushing the prepared ingredients in front of me.
“Originally Dojin hyung was going to come, but something came up so I came instead. Because we had a favor to ask you.”
“A favor?”
“A guest spot on Dojin hyung’s radio opened up. It’s next week’s live corner, and I wanted to recommend you.”
Days’ leader and main vocal, Bae Dojin, was in charge of a radio program called ‘On a Night When the Moon Shines.’ I remembered occasionally tuning in because the song selection was to my taste.
“Why not do it yourself, hyung?”
“It’s not interesting when family members go on together, after all. I also have a schedule then.”
“…”
“You said before you wanted to be a guest on Moonlit Night. You happen to have a solo concert in June too. It’ll be a good opportunity to promote.”
Lee Yuwon’s words weren’t an exaggeration. Bae Dojin’s program boasted the highest ratings among programs running from 10 PM to 12 AM. The occasional visual radio live event was so popular it was called the ‘sure-win promotion course’ for idols these days.
“I did say that.”
That’s right. I really did. There was a time when I was anxiously burning inside because I regretted missing that opportunity.
Looking at the food starting to boil in the flat pot, I said.
“I’m really grateful you’re looking out for me, Won-i hyung. But it might be a bit difficult.”
“Because you’re busy?”
“More than being busy…”
How should I explain this? Fumbling to find the right words, I laughed as if lamenting.
“It’s a good opportunity, but I don’t have confidence I can make good use of it.”
It was true that I felt glad, but I couldn’t readily accept it. Since I wanted to retire quietly with as little attention as possible, I also felt burdened.
‘Seonho hyung went on before.’
I recalled that he’d readily accepted, perhaps with a solo comeback in mind after Starium activities, but made a small verbal mistake due to his characteristically reckless personality.
So if I could recommend another member, I wanted someone with a more cautious personality than him.
“What about Seungwoo hyung? He’s good at live performances.”
“Since I brought it up for your group’s benefit, it doesn’t matter.”
Lee Yuwon rested his elbow on the table and leaned his upper body forward slightly. I felt a quite serious gaze sweep over my face.
“Ijae-ya. Is something wrong?”
When I asked earlier what brought him to the agency and he said two birds with one stone, this must have been the main point.
“I got a call from auntie a while ago. She seemed to want me to look into things because it seemed like something was wrong with you but you wouldn’t tell her.”
“…”
“That bothered me so I came to see your face today, and the manager said you collapsed last month.”
My chopsticks, which had been moving listlessly, stopped abruptly.
“It’s nothing.”
“How is collapsing nothing?”
At the unspoken reproach asking why I didn’t tell him, I smiled slightly.
“It hasn’t been long since you were discharged, so you’re busy right now. How could I worry you when I know that?”
“Our kiddo seems determined to never know that hearing about malnutrition from someone else’s mouth is what really causes worry.”
“Won-i hyung, that story…”
“I didn’t tell auntie. Do I lack that much tact, kid?”
Watching me let out a sigh of relief, Lee Yuwon clicked his tongue.
“Your collapse and refusing this guest spot are related, right?”
“…A little.”
“Is it something you can’t tell even me?”
When I looked at him without answering right away, Lee Yuwon smiled bitterly.
“I got famous for nothing. Since that damn debut, the little one’s only grown secrets. Huh?”
“It’s a bit much to call me little now…”
“Look at this. You’ve grown to talk back too.”
His voice softened a bit.
“Talk to me about things. Huh?”
Lee Yuwon was truly a consistent person. Because he said exactly those words even before I went back in time.
‘Han Ijae. Talk to hyung about things.’
Would something have changed if I’d said anything then? What if I’d said just one word, that it was hard? Would he have run over in one breath like now, snatched the menu, lined up food I couldn’t even finish eating, and tried to dig out secrets telling me to say anything?
Before this fortune that might have been on my side, that I’d already missed once, I became a bit dazed.
After hesitating for a long while, I asked in a small voice.
“…Hyung. Should I quit being an idol?”
I was a bit anxious not knowing how he’d answer. Would he think me foolish, asking why I’d give up a dream I’d devoted years to? Or would he press me, asking what on earth happened that I’d bring up such words?
Lee Yuwon’s answer was neither.
“Yeah.”
He answered while serving meat onto my small plate.
“Quit.”
