“I’ve been thinking, but it’s too much of a losing deal for you.”
Appearing out of nowhere to clean up after a kid ten years younger wasn’t enough—he even personally removed troublesome things, settled an absurd contract with a large sum of money, dressed me in various things and even fed me.
He said all of that was free since it was just giving things as he pleased, but as the receiver, I couldn’t feel that way. There was no such thing as a free lunch in the world, and if you swallowed more than your share without fear, you’d surely get sick.
But I had nothing to pay with. Whatever I possessed would be trivial compared to Seo Nakil, and my fame and talent were also insignificant. Then all that remained was barely this one body.
“Technically speaking, men are a first for me too… but I don’t think I’d dislike it.”
Then Seo Nakil strode toward me.
“Liar.”
A stinging amount of force was transmitted from my gripped shoulder. His palm was hot but his fingertips were cold.
“Men are a first?”
They really are. Strangely, he looked a bit angry.
“You really take people for a complete fool, Han Ijae-ssi.”
“Why do you think I’m lying?”
“There are things you know just by looking.”
A firm thumb pressed firmly into the hollow part of my collarbone. It stroked along the slightly raised line to my shoulder then gripped my forearm.
“You like Kwon Seonho.”
“…”
“You’ve liked Kwon Seonho all along.”
My breath caught. How did he know that? Even the members didn’t know. How on earth does he know?
His hand retraced the path it had traveled. Returning to the nape of my neck, the hand that rose slightly gripped my cheek. His hand was so large that it wasn’t enough to cover my cheek entirely—it even enclosed my ear.
“How could I not know when you look at him with eyes dying of affection?”
“That can’t be…”
I don’t know which moment’s me he saw to think that. It was a sharp observation, but wrong for now at least.
I don’t like Kwon Seonho anymore. The time I spent with him can’t even become a memory to me now. I no longer want to please him, don’t dream of kissing him, don’t secretly imagine anything more than that.
“To be honest, yes. I did once. But that doesn’t mean what I said is a lie.”
I took a deep breath then slowly exhaled it in parts. It was a habit to relieve tension.
“I don’t like him anymore. Seonho hyung knows too. I called him to the rooftop garden last time and sorted it out. And we’re not lovers, I just liked him so I followed him around one-sidedly.”
“…”
“So men are a first…”
I couldn’t finish my words properly. Because my lips were blocked by something that suddenly drew close.
Something soft swallowed my lips whole. Soft and tender, yet the heat transmitted from inside was hot. As I unconsciously squeezed my eyes shut, fingertips gently traced my jaw then pressed firmly. At that movement, I opened my mouth as if bewitched.
“Mmh…”
A large mass of flesh invaded my insides. While I was flustered, it slipped in between my teeth and slowly stirred inside my mouth.
The wine scent I’d been drinking all along as if venting, as if steeling myself, was lightly layered on my palate. What had felt only sour, bitter, and astringent was a bit different now. It seemed tingly as if small sparks were popping, and somehow sweet like chewing sugar granules.
As my body slid down smoothly, he wrapped around my waist. Supporting me with one arm and pulling my body forward, I, who had been staggering, stepped up onto his foot.
“Breathe through your nose.”
Seo Nakil tilted his head the other way. His pointed nose tip poked my cheek. This time he sucked my lower lip hard enough to make it tingle.
Making his advice meaningless, my face turned bright red in less than a few minutes. Far from catching my breath, even following the stimulation he poured out was overwhelming.
“Hah, mmph…”
“Open your mouth more.”
Before I knew it, I was clinging to his shoulders, hanging on as much as I could. It seemed like not only my nape and cheeks but even my forehead had flushed red with heat.
As I panted like I’d run at full speed, he left a short kiss on my lower lip.
“Is kissing also a first?”
It wasn’t. But I lost confidence. Looking at his face filling my vision, I wondered if I could even call those few trivial contacts I’d had kissing.
Seo Nakil’s eyes curved softly. As if he’d read even that conflict. As if what he’d read pleased him quite a bit.
“Do you want me to sleep with you?”
Seo Nakil asked, bringing his forehead to mine.
“You’ll be hurt and cry, definitely.”
“But at least I’ll be free from the thought of having done nothing. Either way, I’m paying back a debt.”
“Wasn’t it because you hated becoming a prostitute that you fought with the CEO like that?”
He said in a somewhat angry voice.
“How much for one kiss, how much for one sex—would it put your mind at ease to count numbers and deduct them? Do you really want that?”
The heat that had filled the room gradually escaped. As I shivered at the chill that had arrived before I knew it, Seo Nakil lifted me up with one arm. Lifting me up as if holding a child, he carried me into the bedroom I’d never been able to cross.
“By any means necessary, if you pay back all of that damn 500 million won. What will you do after that?”
“After…”
“After you quit Starium, get rid of the evil agency president, and even remove me who suddenly thrust 500 million won and meddled in your life.”
“…”
“Where will you go then, Ijae?”
“I don’t know.”
I thought about it until my head was splitting. I scraped the bottom of the imagination left in my head. I tried so hard to recall even a single dreamlike scene.
But I still couldn’t think of anything. My future was still pitch black.
The only ending I could still imagine was the bottom of that cold river. Even though I’d tried to change something, even though I’d actually changed it a little.
“I don’t know…”
Moisture tinged my voice.
“Do you know, Actor-nim? What tomorrow’s me will do, what will be important to me a year from now. What wish I will have made ten years from now.”
“…”
“Do you live knowing it all? Are you so certain of everything? Does it go as you intend? Am I the only one this messed up? I don’t know anything—is that only my problem?”
Then Seo Nakil’s hands wrapped around my cheeks. His palms were hot enough to burn.
“I don’t know.”
“…”
“How could I know a future even God doesn’t know? I don’t know either. I’ve never known. I couldn’t be certain of anything. Things didn’t go as I intended, so I watched from afar and ruined everything. So I regretted it to death. So I’m also a mess like you.”
His hotly seeping words were each unfamiliar. The Seo Nakil I knew didn’t seem like someone who would say such things. But even this sentiment was absurd. Because in truth, I didn’t know Seo Nakil well.
It was strange. Only after hearing those unexpected words did I feel I’d gotten one step closer to Seo Nakil. For the sole reason that the vulnerable bare face he revealed seemed a bit like me.
Bewitched by that desperate sincerity he’d shown me, I ended up pretending not to know and forgetting one lie he’d told.
“I don’t want to burden you with debt, so why don’t you understand that?”
Please, he whispered. That voice that came out while lightly touching and lifting his lips away was too small—closer to a tremor than a sound. So I heard that fragile plea with my skin rather than my ears.
“I told you. That I’d be your best option. It’s fine if you don’t believe me. Because it’s not something I can obtain just by wanting it. But still…”
“…”
“If I’m good to you, just accept it.”
Those words delivered like a sigh were somehow too sad.
“Just accept it, Han Ijae.”
So how did you become a mess like me, what did you ruin and regret so much to have those eyes?
I just wanted to ask that.
