# Chapter 82
After a long time, I entered my room and changed into comfortable clothes. Whether it was intentional or not, after living here and there for a while, it felt strange that the space where I stayed still remained.
With only one lamp turned on, I lay on the bed and looked around the room. For no reason, memories of the past spent here came flooding back, overwhelming me with dizzying emotions.
At that moment, I suddenly worried if Woosang was sleeping comfortably. We had always lain down and fallen asleep together, then woken up together, but now being alone felt endlessly awkward.
‘The phone call… I’ll do it later.’
There was about a week left until Woosang’s performance ended. Before then, I needed to settle things with Hund by any means necessary.
As long as he was on stage, Hund wouldn’t be able to easily harm Woosang. Worried, I had asked Bel to stay with Woosang, and after keeping me in suspense, she asked:
‘Do you trust me?’
At those words, I swallowed briefly and answered that of course I trusted her. Somehow, I had come to trust Bel as if it were natural.
Of course, it wasn’t the same degree of affection I had for Woosang, but I recognized that she was becoming an important person in my life.
I had long ago realized, watching Woosang and Bel’s relationship, that love isn’t the only endpoint in relationships between people.
‘…a loving relationship.’
With this idle thought, feeling somehow embarrassed, I buried my nose in the pillow and counted numbers.
Thinking freely about something is really not an easy task.
***
Perhaps because my body was very tired, I had an unsettling dream throughout my sleep.
It must have been because I had previously seen the diary of ‘Hund’—that is, my uncle—who had already passed away.
The dream began with Hund visiting the house where my uncle and I lived.
Since Hund rarely came to the house, I was staring blankly at him when my uncle shouted at me to bring tea, and following his words, I went to the kitchen and boiled water.
Usually, when he went out for work, he would dress sloppily, but for some reason, he came wearing neat clothes, and my uncle seemed bothered by that somehow.
While bringing the tea and examining Hund’s face, I accidentally spilled hot tea on his hand.
‘You little bastard…!’
Enraged, he instantly grabbed my hair and slammed me down onto the table. I was startled, but since it was my mistake, I kept my mouth shut and endured the pain. Then Hund’s hand left the back of my head, and shortly after, I heard someone falling behind me.
Bang!
At the loud noise, I hesitantly got up and looked at the two people entangled.
Ear-piercing curses and unending physical struggle. This was something that didn’t happen often in this quiet house.
After a moment, my uncle took out a knife, and I just blankly watched the whole process.
I thought the screams filling the house were too noisy.
Then it occurred to me that if my uncle had done something with the knife at that time, it could have been my uncle, not me, who cut off Hund’s fingers.
‘Then why is he chasing after me?’
I had thought the origin of the emotions Hund harbored toward me was because of his severed fingers.
But if I didn’t cut off his fingers, why was he trying to tie me down and make me miserable? It wasn’t easy to draw conclusions from unclear memories.
Not wanting to have heavy thoughts even in my dream, I struggled and tried to escape from it.
Fortunately, my eyes trembled because of the sunlight cast before me, and they suddenly opened.
“Why such a nasty dream…?”
I muttered, suppressing my irritation. Even though I had regained consciousness, the images of the two people still lingered before my eyes.
Since my childhood memories returned, fragments of the past would occasionally come back to life in my mind. These memories that came rushing in, as if to make me regret the days I had lived without feeling or hearing them, were always just terrifying.
And the most unbearable thing was my uncle’s somehow empty expression.
It must have been because I had seen his diary before. Because I had seen it, a small sympathy for him had grown, clearly crying out within me, asking for forgiveness.
A stuffy thought entered from somewhere. With an empty heart, I got up from bed, organized myself, and prepared to go out.
There was no more time to delay.
***
“Where are you going?”
“I’m just going to the market in front.”
“Oh? Take care.”
Bel was fixing her hair in front of the bathroom mirror. While getting ready to go out, I asked her one last thing.
“Do you need anything?”
“No.”
Nodding at her simple answer, I walked out of the hotel. After Teo left, we moved to a new city, and I shared a room with Bel while preparing for the performance.
At first, we were going to use separate rooms, but Teo seemed worried about me going around alone, so he asked Bel to share a room with me.
‘Even if you trust me, asking me to share a room with a woman…’
Not knowing where to begin pointing out the problem, I hoped Bel would refuse, but she also said it was fine and readily agreed.
Sometimes it seemed like the two of them made common sense useless in strange ways.
I was about to say something to Teo about how he shouldn’t say such things, but realizing Bel was present, I kept my mouth shut.
While waiting for the light to change at the crosswalk, even though it was Germany, being near the French border, I occasionally heard French.
‘It’s not even Korean, yet it feels familiar… I wonder if I’ve become comfortable living like this now…’
I never thought I would become attached to anything in life, so I couldn’t believe I could think this way.
I nurtured a light sense of relief in my heart. But then I felt the man standing next to me scanning me up and down.
I was about to say something about his unpleasant gaze, but I didn’t want to ruin my newly calmed thoughts, so I stopped. I didn’t want to waste energy in a city where I wouldn’t be staying for more than a few days anyway.
Just as the signal changed, I quickly crossed the street. But as if to shatter my plans, I heard a camera shutter sound from beside me.
Thinking it couldn’t be, I turned around and saw the man who had been looking at me holding a phone and still staring at me. Come to think of it, my sense of security had always been shattered like this.
[Hey, you. What did you just take a picture of?]
I snapped at the man in German, which didn’t come easily as I rarely used it. Perhaps not expecting German to come out of my mouth, the man who hid his phone behind him hesitated and then waved his hand.
[I just took a picture of the sky!]
[Then show me your phone.]
While I was speaking forcefully, standing on the crosswalk, the signal changed to red, and cars started honking at us to get out of the way.
Suppressing my rising irritation, I nodded at the man to come quickly, but seizing the moment, the man ran in the opposite direction, disregarding the oncoming traffic.
“…Haa.”
I helplessly watched him go and let out a deep sigh. Although these things happened occasionally, the betrayal of my expectations made me want to chase after him right then and there.
After standing in place for a while, still not feeling better, I sighed and turned around.
But strangely, across the street, I seemed to see a familiar face.
Wondering if I was mistaken, I stared persistently at that familiar face, and as if noticing my gaze, he looked back at me.
It was definitely a face I knew.
“…!”
Though it was quite a while ago, I still vividly remembered what happened then. When a strange man came to see Teo, and I grabbed a knife with my hand to stop that man.
It was definitely the face of the man I encountered then. I desperately searched for the man who had disappeared among the suddenly emerging crowd, but not even a strand of his hair was visible.
“…It can’t be.”
I tried to understand the situation for a long time, but as the signal changed again and many people crossed toward me, I could only spend time in a daze.
But somehow, I didn’t feel particularly anxious or afraid. I also didn’t think I needed to contact Teo right away.
Seeing Teo become increasingly fragile and emotional through various recent events, I could guess that he was no longer capable of harming anyone.
Even before, Teo had shown a shrunken appearance in areas he didn’t understand, but now it seemed he had completely lost his edge toward others.
‘So it’s actually better this way.’
Teo had left for Paris to resolve the issue with that man, but I didn’t think he could harm the man.
So it was good that the man had come to me.
Since meeting Teo, I had come to feel that I didn’t need to protect anything other than what was precious to me. After thinking for a long time, I turned around and headed back the way I had come.
It seemed I needed to return to the hotel and wait for the right moment. If that man approached only me, it would be fine, but if he went toward Bel, it would definitely be troublesome.
My steps gradually quickened with inexplicable excitement. Returning to the hotel, I opened the door and looked for Bel.
“Bel.”
“Yes? What is it? You’re back already? Did you forget your wallet?”
“No.”
“…Did something good happen?”
I shook my head at her words. Curious about what expression I was making, I looked in the mirror and saw a strangely excited look.
The thoughts I had been holding began to fade a little with my unfamiliar face.
“It would be better not to go out except for performance rehearsals for a while.”
“Why?”
“Because Teo will be back next week, and I want to go around with him then.”
“…Alright.”
Thankful that she agreed, I gave Bel a small smile and turned my gaze out the window. From the 10th floor of the building, I couldn’t see anything specific looking down, but it felt like what I wanted would be in the scenery below.
My lover must be anxiously preparing for something he couldn’t do in Paris by now.
Thinking of Teo, who was probably filled with emotions without realizing he could no longer harm anyone, made me want to run to Paris and be by his side.
‘Somehow, it seems like I’m the one lacking in basic common sense.’
The idle thought made me chuckle. I wanted to leave this tiresome unfamiliar city and return to a familiar place with Teo as soon as possible.
I had worried about how to comfort Teo, who wanted to return to Paris and had a shallow homesickness, but now I too desperately wanted to go back to our nest.
If we returned there, I didn’t plan to leave for a while. The thought of staying in one place and living a peaceful life made my feelings even more dizzying.
