# Chapter 81
Despite the late hour, the bus heading to Paris was packed with passengers. However, perhaps tired from their travels, passengers began to doze off less than ten minutes into the journey.
Watching people lean awkwardly against their seats one by one, making soft breathing sounds, I felt drowsiness washing over me as well.
Fortunately, no one was sitting in the seat beside me, so I leaned peacefully against the window to watch the scenery outside.
Just moments ago, I had been filled with such intense anger, but somehow my heart had calmed, only slightly stirring within me now.
Suddenly, Jang’s desperate expression flashed through my mind. Watching someone break down never becomes something you can get used to, no matter how hard you try.
The emotions displayed by someone bound in my memories, rather than just some stranger unrelated to me, seemed impossible to erase easily.
‘Hund and Uncle never showed me such faces.’
As I carefully traced through my past, somehow I felt like I had seen their distorted expressions before.
In that small rural village house devoid of any warmth, or inside cars while moving for work. Though rare, I might have glimpsed their emotions. But I didn’t want to keep them inside me.
‘I’m tired….’
Perhaps because the tension had eased, drowsiness began to overcome my troubled thoughts. The bumpy ride of the bus felt like a rocking cradle.
There was still plenty of time before reaching Paris. Once there, I planned to return home, gather what I needed, and leave in the morning.
After organizing the plan in my head, I felt somewhat more at ease. Surrendering to my heavy eyelids, I hoped not to dream at all.
Right now, I didn’t want to be swayed by any thoughts.
***
When I opened my eyes, the bus was already running through downtown Paris.
Passengers seated in other seats seemed to have regained consciousness too, chatting quietly while looking out the windows.
Paris, which I hadn’t seen in a long time, looked more splendid than any other city. Nancy and Munich also had many shops open late during summer, but they lacked Paris’s brilliance.
Although I didn’t have much affection for the city itself, the relief of returning to a familiar place was strong.
I tried to remember when I had last left this city.
‘The last time was when I received that call from Oliver’s number.’
Thinking about it now, so much time had passed. Back then, I had received a call from Oliver’s number—Oliver whom I thought was dead—and suddenly everything became frightening, and thinking I needed to be by Woosang’s side, I headed straight to Berlin where he was.
The memory of that phone call suddenly flashed through my mind. What had I felt when that voice—which tried to sound calm but couldn’t—pierced my ears?
***
‘Hello?’
“…Hello?”
The person on the other end seemed confused by my French, but soon familiar Quebec French flowed through the speaker.
“Are you perhaps Oliver’s friend? I called because this number was in the recent calls list on his phone. But… did he have a French-speaking friend? Oh, are you a friend he met in France?”
The tired voice of a middle-aged woman. From her looking for Oliver, she seemed to be his mother. But unable to be certain, I hesitated before answering.
‘Yes. We met in Paris. Has something happened to Oliver?’
I already knew Oliver had passed away through Woosang, but unable to easily pretend to know, I spoke calmly.
“……”
After maintaining silence for a while, she cautiously asked me.
“By any chance, didn’t you used to live in Quebec?”
Startled by her words, I froze momentarily, unable to speak. Somehow it felt like I shouldn’t continue this conversation and should end the call. But then a loud voice burst through the speaker asking me to wait a moment.
“W-wait just a moment!”
‘……’
Swallowing my breath, I readjusted my grip on the phone. The stifling silence was hard to bear, but it felt like I shouldn’t avoid this.
“That’s right. Back then, when you were young and lived next door to us….”
Like Oliver, she seemed unable to remember my name, as she never mentioned it. While thinking this reaction was natural, somehow my heart felt hollow.
I had certainly been greatly dismayed to discover that my childhood, which I believed had left no trace on anyone, was imprinted on Oliver.
But now thinking about it, even those intense memories from back then seemed to have been forgotten by them as if they were nothing, which also filled me with a sense of sadness.
Even though they were people who had nothing to do with me and couldn’t influence me.
“Oliver recently told me on the phone that he met you. I thought he must be lying, but to think it was true…. Have you been well?”
It was difficult to choose words to respond to her awkward greeting. I could simply say I was fine out of courtesy, but I couldn’t bring myself to say it.
‘…Yes.’
After hesitating for a long time, I uttered that short word, and she didn’t probe further or say anything else. I wanted to hang up without saying anything more, but I also wanted confirmation about Oliver’s death from her lips.
I wasn’t certain whether I had killed him or not. So at the very least, I wanted to hear how he had died.
“Where are you living now? France? Your pronunciation has changed completely, so I didn’t think it was you.”
The conversation that kept circling made my head throb uncomfortably. After hesitating for a while, I opened my mouth and asked firmly.
‘…Why did you call? I’m a bit busy.’
“Oh, I see. I’m sorry. Actually, Oliver….”
She stopped mid-sentence and took a deep breath. Understanding why her words had shortened, I didn’t rush her.
After a while, she struggled to say that Oliver had died.
“They said it was a car accident. Right before he was supposed to board the return flight from Paris. I heard he was supposed to depart from another country, not Paris, so I had no way of knowing why he was there. That’s why I called this number, wondering if maybe… Do you know anything?”
I swallowed at her strangely sobbing voice.
A car accident. If it was a car accident, then I hadn’t killed him. I knew this because I didn’t drive around in this city, and my brain wasn’t so addled that I would lose consciousness and drive a car.
A feeling of relief suddenly burst within me. I wasn’t the one who killed him.
But listening to her crying voice while feeling relieved, I also thought that I wasn’t normal.
While knowing I shouldn’t hope for a normal life, looking at my thoughts that seemed somehow broken like this, I felt unbearably ugly.
I couldn’t precisely recall how I ended the call with her.
But afterward, I thought it would be impossible for me to become a whole person, and the fact that I had to continue carrying these broken thoughts was only frightening.
I knew it would be difficult to rebuild a life that had long strayed from normalcy from the beginning.
But knowing something can never be restored while living in denial—isn’t that too shameless?
That’s why I wanted to confess my misdeeds to Woosang then. I wanted to hear clearly whether he would abandon me or continue to embrace me as I was.
That was my mindset back then.
***
Snapping back to reality, I realized I had already arrived in front of the house.
“Already….”
After staring at the firmly closed gate for a long time, I took out the keys from my bag with my cold hands. Since I had lost my own keys long ago, I had brought the ones Woosang had.
Trying to open the door after so long, the key wouldn’t turn well. As I struggled for a while, I sensed someone’s presence behind me.
“Ah….”
“Having trouble with the door? Shall I try?”
I looked at the woman who spoke to me casually and nodded. She was definitely the person living in the floor below our apartment.
She opened the door with familiarity and returned the key to me.
“Thank you.”
“It’s nothing.”
We awkwardly smiled at each other for a moment. Though we had exchanged greetings frequently in passing, this was the first time we had actually conversed, so I couldn’t guess what to say. Noticing my awkwardness, she continued the conversation in a friendly manner.
“It’s been a while since I’ve seen you. You live on the floor above me, right? Looks like you went on a trip.”
“Yes. Berlin for a bit….”
“I see. Please go ahead.”
As I stood there holding the door, she gestured inside. Suddenly coming to my senses, I went in, and she followed.
As I climbed the stairs, she entered the lower floor first.
“Well, goodbye then.”
“Yes. Have a good night.”
Watching my neighbor entering her home first, I continued up to the upper floor. It felt strange that my image remained in their memories when all I had done was see their faces a few times while living in this building.
It was unfamiliar how easily people leave traces in others’ lives. I thought that if one lives normally, fleeting relationships that simply pass by and disappear seem rather rare.
I stared at the locked doorknob for a long time. As I carefully opened the door and went inside, stale air that hadn’t been ventilated for a long time escaped through the doorway.
Even this space where I had stayed was the same. There were clear signs that we hadn’t been here.
Taking off my shoes and entering the living room, I stared blankly. The interior was distinctly visible, dark except for the light filtering in from outside.
Blinking, I slowly scanned the spaces where I had stayed.
‘Now I’m a person who leaves traces….’
Hund and other colleagues lived without leaving any traces in anyone’s life. But I was different.
Now I was undeniably a whole person living in this space. Recalling this fact brought me relief. I had changed enough.
So I would never easily be consumed by them.
