# Chapter 76
After driving for 5 more hours, we arrived in Munich. Though it was still bright outside due to the long daylight hours, the time was already past 9 PM. Woosang seemed to be feeling carsick as he went to a nearby convenience store and bought two bottles of water, handing one to me.
“Thank you.”
As I swallowed the cold water, it felt like it was washing down my insides.
“Aren’t you tired? Even though you slept all day on the bus…”
I nodded at his exhausted expression. Woosang showed a faint smile and trudged ahead. Looking in the direction he was going, I could see a fairly large hotel.
It seemed to be a hotel he had reserved. As I followed him, looking around, I found it fascinating how the streets had a distinctly different feel from Berlin.
After entering the hotel, Woosang said something to the counter staff and received a key card.
“Let’s go.”
“…Did you make a reservation?”
“It was originally booked as a single room, but I asked them to change it to a double.”
Thinking about it, even though I had been at Jang’s house for two months, I had lived alone in the room, so it had been a really long time since I’d shared a room with someone. Before that, when we stayed in Berlin, and in Paris too, we always slept in the same room, but somehow that felt like it was from a very distant past.
Even though I had spent the day with Woosang, we hadn’t had a proper conversation, so walking down the hotel corridor at this moment, the fact that I was beside Woosang was sinking in deeply.
When he opened the hotel room door with the key card and we entered, the window with a full view of the outside caught my eye first.
“I just booked any place near the central station because of the performance, but it’s quite nice.”
He stuck to the window, looking outside. I stared blankly at him for a moment, then approached him as if entranced.
His slightly flattened hair at the back of his head, probably from sitting for too long, caught my eye first. Without thinking, I stroked the back of his head, and Woosang turned his head to look at me.
I liked meeting his eyes. It felt overwhelming, as if I had been waiting for this moment for a long time.
And just as I had constantly thought back at Jang’s house, I held him in my arms with all my might, as if he might break. Though Woosang seemed to tense up slightly and hunched his shoulders, even that movement felt like an intense signal to me.
“…Are you okay?”
“Yes.”
As I touched Woosang, I realized I hadn’t been okay. There was no way I could have been. If I had truly never escaped from that place, I would never have felt this warmth for the rest of my life.
I didn’t want that to happen. Never.
Woosang also seemed to be caught in some thought as he lightly gripped my arm. He couldn’t help it. How could we not fall into deep emotions when this warmth was telling us so many things?
“…I really thought you were dead.”
At his short statement, countless thoughts crossed my mind. I had thought so too. I really thought I was going to die.
But I didn’t want to die, and I wanted to struggle until the end. Only because of you. Because I had found something that gave me the will to live.
“You and I are strangers, yet I don’t know why I keep thinking of you and wanting you like this.”
His trembling voice plunged me into a whirlwind of emotions. I wanted to respond to his anxiety, but I simply couldn’t open my mouth.
I couldn’t know what he didn’t understand. Woosang had always known everything, while I was a person full of things I didn’t know. If he didn’t know, then nobody in the world would know.
But now I felt like I somewhat understood that feeling he didn’t know. That one sentence stuck in my throat felt painful. I bit my lip hard, then took a deep breath.
I whispered so that he could hear well near his ear.
“…We understand each other better than anyone. Because we know each other. So, what I was trying to say is…”
I couldn’t spit out the words that kept circling in my mind, and kept reciting other words as if making excuses. Then, as if he understood what I was trying to say, he smiled slightly. After a long hesitation, feeling Woosang’s slightly trembling body, I continued.
“Because we like each other…”
Sentences filled with affection were always burdensome to me. Even Woosang’s smooth words of love were too heavy for me. Even more so because I lacked confidence in my feelings. Although I had a clear thought now, I still couldn’t express it perfectly.
Despite having gone through so many things, I was still like this. But I wasn’t too anxious because I knew he would wait for me. I knew he would wait forever.
It was clear that Woosang would wait until I could express perfect affection.
“That’s right.”
At his short affirmation, the anxiety I had been avoiding suddenly overwhelmed me.
The anxiety that came in the midst of speaking affectionate words felt more painful than usual.
Only now did the days spent at Jang’s villa feel terrible. Why couldn’t I have left that place sooner? Why did I have to enter that house and forcibly swallow my anxiety?
I felt like dying from the belated misery and despair. If I hadn’t escaped, I wouldn’t have been able to convey even these small words of liking him.
‘I would have just continued a failed life again. Could I have endured that life?’
My suffocating chest felt like it would burst. Tears kept leaking from my eyes. The person standing in front of me didn’t say anything special.
At that moment, I could faintly see our reflection in the window—my anxious expression and another expression.
Somehow, seeing that expression made me feel reassured. I didn’t think everything would be okay, but it didn’t feel like everything would turn miserable either. His expression was telling me that.
Like this, I always gained stability and courage from him. Just then, his cheek touched my cheek. I liked the temperature of our touching skin and pressed closer to feel the gradually warming heat.
As the anxiety gradually subsided, I felt happy. I was happy now.
Our gazes meeting touched the corners of our eyes. With him so strongly filling my dampened eyes, it was unbearable.
“What are you thinking about?”
“…Probably the same thing.”
Woosang smiled softly. Liking that smile, I gently licked away my tears that had smeared his cheek.
“It’s the same thought, right?”
He didn’t answer. It probably meant yes.
***
Woosang stayed with me only on our first day in Munich, and from the next day on, he was out of the room constantly due to performance rehearsals.
It became somewhat stifling waiting for Woosang, who would leave early in the morning and return late at night, so on the fourth day, I stepped outside the hotel.
If Berlin had felt somewhat free-spirited, Munich was the complete opposite, including how people dressed.
Though it was summer and people were bustling about, walking alone on the streets without Woosang made me feel like I was floating in this space.
After walking for a while, I sat down on a park bench and noticed many people who had come out for walks or exercise.
Perhaps because I had been confined for so long, the mere fact that so many people were on the streets felt amazing to me.
After sitting blankly, losing track of time, I got hungry and headed toward the downtown area when I saw a familiar face in front.
“Teo?”
Woosang was there. Surprised, I couldn’t approach him closely and looked around. There was a church nearby with a large clock hanging, and checking the time, it was around 1 PM. It was certainly lunchtime at this hour.
Bel was also there beside him, as well as the man who had approached Woosang in Berlin before. It seemed they had come out for lunch with the performance staff.
“Out for lunch?”
“Yes.”
From behind, Bel waved her hand toward me. Feeling embarrassed, I just nodded slightly, but she didn’t approach.
“Since I’m out with colleagues, I probably can’t have lunch together… Eat something delicious and go back. Here, I’ll give you some money.”
He took out his wallet and handed me some bills. Although I still had some euros he had given me in the morning left in my pocket, I accepted the bills he handed me without saying anything.
“Okay. Have a good meal too, Woosang.”
After saying goodbye, Woosang left with his colleagues. I watched him as he moved away.
‘He might have thought it was strange…’
I looked at the money I received from Woosang. Somehow, I felt like a child who had received pocket money from their parents. Of course, it was right for me to receive money from him since I had lost all my belongings, but I regretted not having maintained a more proper appearance since it was a rare occasion for him to be with his colleagues.
I wanted to be a more dignified person. I wanted to be a person who wasn’t inadequate to be by his side.
Woosang would probably tell me that I didn’t need to do anything if he knew my thoughts, but I couldn’t completely ignore external gazes.
After carefully folding the money and putting it in my back pocket, I decided to trudge back to the hotel.
I wanted to seriously think about what to do going forward.
***
“The show starts at 7 PM, so you should come around 6:30 PM. All the staff speak English, so if you need anything, just speak in English, and after it ends, let’s meet in front of the lobby.”
“Yes. Don’t worry too much. I communicated well in English in Berlin too.”
At my words, Woosang gave me a dubious look, but soon nodded, saying he understood. I knew what his concern was, but I also wanted him to know that I was no longer the naïve person he thought I was before.
Today was the day of his performance. He said there had already been a premiere in Berlin, and this performance was just part of a tour.
It was a shame that I couldn’t see the performance in Berlin, but I was happy that I could at least see it like this.
After getting ready to go out, I left the hotel a bit early too. Although I knew the location of the performance hall, I was confused about the way there, so I thought it would be good to spend time nearby in advance.
I took a tram in front of the hotel and got off at the stop Woosang had told me about. Coincidentally, there was a poster for Woosang’s performance today posted at the stop.
As I approached and stared at it for a while, the fact that he had started dancing again struck me deeply. Would he be standing on stage freely yet anxiously like last summer?
I was curious. I wanted to know everything about Woosang, but this was a separate curiosity.
I hoped that he wouldn’t give up dancing as much as he loved it. I didn’t intend to force him, but I absolutely didn’t want him to give up due to external factors. I didn’t want to see him collapse because of his surroundings and the gazes of others.
I was desperately hoping that the person called Woosang would stand intact in this world.
